partner blames me

[lilium]

Hi, I'm new to this group. Anxiously googling the subject because I'm so dismayed and hurt that I am searching for some support. I have told very few people about the pregnancy and hence miscarraige so I feel like I have no where to go to talk.

I took the Plan B pill and a pregnancy resulted. I miscarried at 9 wks. As a result I am grieving as anyone would however my partner feels that I didn't want this child because of this and led to me "killing" the baby. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he feels that I preferred that pregnancy and didn't kill that man's child so why have I killed his.

I am shocked. I am horrified. I feel like I need support and someone telling me it isn't my fault and understanding I lost a child not blame me so viciously. I don't know if I can ever move past these comments to work on this relationship. Has anyone else ever had such a strong intense reaction to having a miscarriage from their partner? I don't know if this is a normal reaction that men frequently feel when their partners miscarry.

Some insight would be much appreciated.

[aussienic]

[tears_of_joy]

Huge hugs hun :hugs: I am so sorry for your loss.
You have come to the right place for support and understanding.
Maybe your partner is grieving and is looking for someone or something to blame, iykwim. Im not sure, but either way I really think the way he is/has reacted is wrong and i would be devastated too.

My Dh didn't care about my m/c really, of course he didnt like to see me hurting but to him they weren't 'really' babies and as he wasn't around (away working) he said he isn't affected at all. It hurt to hear him say this. Our 6 little angel babies are just as real as DS, they just grew their wings early, this is what i tell DH.


Please rember this is definately NOT your fault, you are not too blame and never let yourself think that you are ok. Take care and i pray you find the strength to get through this terrible time. We are all here to support you when you need it.

[bettyboop]

Wow i am so sorry for your loss, i want to say this is not your fault and dont you ever think it was .i have had 5 little angles and i want them all so much. Men cope different to us and can find it hard to. I hope in time things settle down . If you are sad an want to cry do so, dont bottle it up let it out. I hope you find some support . Sending you a big hug and take care.

[Jesswith6]

It is definately NOT your fault. Sometimes our bodies tell us that there might have been something wrong with the baby and it chose to miscarry it. Men don't understand the workings of the female body through pregnancy and therefore don't understand that you can not "will" a baby to disappear.

Sort through your feelings, if it helps see a counsellor, but pls don't let your partner make you feel bad about the loss of your little one. HTH. RIP little one

[paradise lost]

It is NOT your fault. Plan B is a progesterone-based pill which delays ovulation and inhibits fertilisation and implantation. If ovulation has happened already and implantation occurs anyway the extra progesterone actually protects the pregnancy (many women take it in early pregnancy to help PREVENT loss). Plan B is NOT an abortificant. It can only PREVENT pregnancy, NOT end it. Your pregnancy did not end through your actions. Plan B CAN NOT harm an existing pregnancy - if your partner wishes he can simply google "Plan B" for further information on this. I'm so sorry for your loss

How pregnancy (especially unexpected pregnancy) makes us feel can be quite disturbing. I was TERRIFIED when i fell pregnant - it was too late for plan b and i knew i'd go on and have the baby but still, yes, there were times when i wondered if what was happening was the "right" thing. If fear or confusion or ambivalence in the mother ended pregnancies the world population would be MUCH smaller. You did nothing wrong, you are blameless. No-one knows why terrible things happen to good people, please don't beat yourself up over this.

It is often a difficult time follwing a loss, as many of us have found, as it is hard for our partners to know how we feel and vice versa. Hopefully soon he will realise your devastation at this loss matches his. Keep talking, hang in there.

Bx

[krisp]

I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe your partner doesn't know how to feel and often for men they express sorrow as anger. Some men have real difficulty letting out feelings of hurt so they lash out at the people closest to them - hence you.

Please don't think you did anything wrong and that your angel baby was in any way your fault - it wasn't.

I hope your partner comes around and can let you into his private world of grief soon, it may take a while though until his feelings of anger and disspointment fade.

Try to take care of yourself, I know it's hard....

[lilium]

Thanks everyone for your comments and support. I am just trying to keep some composure and trying hard to understand his behaviour and not act irrationally. Lord knows I feel irrational. I did some research today on Plan B, miscarriage, how men feel, how women feel and will take all this home to share with him. Perhaps some education and sensitivity will help this situation rather than just walking away (which is what I feel like doing right now). I feel like I've missed too much sleep and am too emotional to fight now.
Once again thanks to you all.

[Rowie]

Hi Lilium
After having 3 m/c education is the best way to be armed. Your partner doesn't understand what has happened and calmly sitting down with him and learning about it all together will be a great help. Please do not blame yourself, it is really hard not to but there is nothing you could have or should have done that would have made any difference with your angel staying here. God knows I have gone over it a thousand times in my head. You have come to a great place for support, there are many of us here that have been through it too.
Make sure you take care of you.

[chris]

Lilium
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
I hope your partner comes around soon and sees the error of his ways.
It was not your fault at all, You did nothing wrong.
I hope he reads the info you give him and learns that he is a very bad boy.

Take care
Chris

[munchy]

Oh honey i just came across your post i am so sorry to hear of your loss and your DP is being out of order there is no way this was your fault not one bit these things to all of us and there is nothing we can do. Men def grieve and respnd differently to us girls my DH grieved totally different to me when we lost our little girl and i thought at time he was a pig i have had councelling which helped a lot but i think like you said take him home the info you have and try and make him understand and say thats its ok to my angry about loosing the baby but dont be angry towards you as you are feeling the loss just as much and that you love him hopefully he will come round i feel for you honey let me know how it all goes.

Munchy xxx

[mummacassdy]

Dear Lilium, I really feel for you and the pain you must be going through and to feel like you have no support from your partner must be an ordeal. The reason I am responding is that I have 3 children from a previous marriage and my new husband and I have been trying to conceive. We actually were pregnant for 17 1/2 weeks but had to termninate due to Trisomy 21. But I wanted to tell you that men are very jealous creatures and there is something about children with another man that goes back to primitive times that it is hard for women to quite grasp. My husband, although we have been together for over 5 years cannot bear seeing me in my previous pregnancy photos or talking about the birth or anything like that, so this pressure you feel from your partner may just be that he cannot express the sadness and jealousy he feels. his heart is probably broken as I am sure yours is but the only way he may be able to express it comes out sounding like he is blaming you, even if he has said those words to you. I am sure in his heart of hearts he would not truly blame you, would he? If the answer is yes, then I would seriously reconsider your relationship. But surely it isn't at that point. I am sure you have experienced it for yourself but men are wonderful but they can really be little boys sometimes, more than you might think. I put his thoughts down to extreme jealousy. My husband has basically said something like 'how can that (insert many swear words) ex-husband father such beautiful kids when we can't have one of our own?' It is an ego thing and he is just lashing out at you. But please dont for one minute take it on board though. It just wasn't meant to be. Until you feel he can support you or you can support each other, continue to seek help from other women like me and the people in the messages above mine. I hope everything turns out wonderfully for you and remember - just imagine his negative feelings, thoughts and words are like a basketball and you are dodging it or hitting it back to him, but dont catch the ball. Much Love Mummacassdy

[suse]

Lilium, your strength at being able to remain rational throughout this is amazing. That you have not thrown your hurt back at your partner, but are instead trying to understand what could make him react in such a way shows incredible strength.

I hope that your partner realises how lucky he is to have such a person in his life. I hope that he has realised that his pain is justified, but his way of dealing with it is not. Most of all, I hope that he is giving you love and support instead of adding to your grief.

[lilium]

I am amazed at the circle of support this website offers. I have been blessed to have felt the comradery of women helping women many times and I want to thank you all for your support and kind words. Every word written has influenced my viewpoint. It is women like you all who make me proud of my gender. What an outpouring of compassion and strength!

I think relationships as a rule take alot of work and communication to be successful. We are all feeling beings in need of support. Sometimes I think its our men who need it the most. I needed to understand that my DP's reaction was an avenue of expressing his emotions. It was entirely immature and unfair but it is how he chose to express them. I must admit I feel very defensive and sad as a result but your guidance showed me to educate and not judge. It has been effective. It has cleared a path to understanding and communication. Now we can focus on grieving together and supporting eachother rather than making enemies out of one another. Perhaps demonstrating tolerance, acceptence and compassion will teach my DP how to show them too. Partners are meant to stick up for one another not fight eachother afterall, aren't they?

The grief I feel with this miscarriage has surprised me greatly. The timing was terrible. I am just completing my Msc. degree and have raised my first child alone through my Bsc. I was looking forward to financial and well....life stability. I wanted to establish independent stability before having more children, but things happen. I wanted the baby more than anything and am truly in love with my DP. He is a wonderful man (although at times childish but who isn't). I love the daughter I have more than anything and this loss has made me look hard at life and has me reevaluating what is most important. As women we are continually juggling careers and family, inflicted with some crazy superwoman syndrome. Losing this baby has me feeling like I am lost in a fog.

I read your stories and my heart breaks for each of you. Mummacassdy, I can't imagine the pain you are going through...I am so sorry. I don't mean to carry on randomly, I just want to say thank you so much. The advice and kindness you have all shown me made a true difference in how I handled and viewed the situation. With no where else to turn I found a wonderful community of women with kind hearts with a common pain. I can only hope I can return and contribute to you. Thank you.

[mummacassdy]

Thank you for your kind words. You do sound a lot stronger and I am so happy to hear a positive report from you. You are right about the sisterhood support group. Who would have thought that the humble computer would be an enormous tool in connecting women around the world and supporting each other through our toughest times. BIg hugs and healing for us all. Let us know how you get on. Until then - love from Mummacassdy. xx

[Gigi]

i cannot believe how insensitive and mean your partner is being

i am not sure i could stay with a person who treated me like that.

words cut deep when they are so mean

not sure i could forgive such nastiness

is there anyone in your life who IS saying nice comforting things to you right now? You need to be around positive people, not ones who will tear you down.

big hugs to you darling

[Auntie M]

Lilium, i am so sorry for your loss of your baby. i wish i had wise words like the ones above about your partner's response. my heart goes out to you, and i just wanted to assure you that it is not your fault that you lost your baby. i hope you can work things out with him, because that support and shared grief can be a saving grace in a dark time. at the same time, don't accept blame for something you did not cause or even desire. as someone said above, we all have such strong and contrary emotions about pregnancy -- it is such a huge step, especially for women's lives. be good to yourself, allow yourself to grieve for this baby. big hugs, xxoom