i cannot bear to look at my C-section scar, makes me feel too upset.
i cannot bear to touch it either.

i know it's there, i try not to think about it, nearly five years after it happened, the scar represents
= being deserted by my support system (at 20 hours into my labour, my midwife left me, so when i was in medical trouble at 29 hours, i did not have the support of my midwife to ring the ambulance, advocate for me with the medical staff at the hospital, so i got the complete "cascade of intervention" as i was too tired, too ignorant about medical procedures, to know what to say yes or no, to. i needed my midwife to advocate for me, but i was alone.

= let down by hospital system, they lost my notes two days before i went into labour, so there was no notes for the emergency team, about my previous medical issues, that were very relevant to me having a c-section, especially the anaesethic. I had a very traumatic experience with the anestethic part, that would have been avoided if my midwife was there, and my medical notes were available to the obst.

= having a rare labour complication happen (Bandl's Ring), i coudln't believe that this happened, on top of all the other things that went wrong. it just felt like a nightmare that wouldn't end.

= going home in a bad physical state, but still having to care fulltime for my newborn. Not being able to bathe her myself for the first year (until i got well again). No grandmas to visit, to admire my baby, watch her while i shower.

i dread my DD asking about how she arrived. I can't say "her b.....", only "her arrival".

all the planning for the waterbirth at home, all the people who thought i was nuts to try for a homebirth, i REALLY wanted to birth at home, in water, and then i end up Back of an ambulance with nothing on but my dressing gown. with two epidurals and all the interventions possible, with a bunch of people i had never seen before (angry specialists who yell at the nurses, where are her notes? over and over), bright lights. And a baby who comes out not breathing, so no skin to skin, delayed cord clamping or any of the other things on my birthing plan, got to come true.

all the "doesn't matter, you have a beautiful baby now" comments afterwards. everyone, not just the professionals. You've just been thru a huge trauma and can hardly walk (that went on for months) let alone hold your baby? doesn't matter, you have a beautiful baby.

and the comments i'm not meant to hear "well what does she expect, having a baby at her age".

i realise now, without the emerg C, both her and i would have died. (in the old days, women who experienced Bandl's Ring, would labour for five days, mother and child would both die).

we survive all that, and still, the father doesn't think it's worth bringing me flowers to celebrate.