I don't know what to do

[Katiegirl]

Hi - I just wanted to add that my nephew whilst not quite the handful that Evan is, can also be very difficult to control at home but all reports from school is that he is the perfect student. He is now 10 and I admit that I struggle with him at times. My sister sees a lot of herself in him - in that she was probably what people these days would call 'hyperactive', so I think sometimes she washes over his behaviour. I once told him to pick up a towel he had thrown on the floor to have my sister say in front of him 'You do not need to tell my children what to do' - so of course he repeats that whenever I ask (or tell) to stop something. It is infuriating!!! The fact that he can control his behaviour at school shows he knows how to control himself and chooses not to when at home.

My sister and her DH use a point system (and this goes for his brother as well) - he has been told that for each time he is naughty etc he receives a point - if he gets to 20 or so points he won't be allowed something. This can even be something huge like a birthday party. It is probably more encouraging if he got a point for 'good' behaviour but that doesn't really seem to register with him - so knowing he has 15 points and only another 5 to go before he loses something he wants (like the party or going to a movie etc) it does seem to make him stop and think. He is the loveliest child and so affectionate but my goodness he knows exactly how to wind me up!!!

I think stopping the pocket money and making him earn his treats is a great idea. It has started to drive me insane with my nephew 'expecting' me to buy him things - he now has a habit of saying 'you can buy me this or that'. It stems from me spoiling him and his siblings rotten when they were younger and I was single (and had more money than sense obviously). I think you are doing a great job and should not be too hard on yourself.

[*Efjay*]

Yesterday afternoon was good. Came home, had some afternoon tea with out too much fuss, Ate his dinner with little fuss etc. But then gave DH a bit of a hard time in bed, not to sure what was going on as I was dealing with Isla.

This morning was hard again. Dh had an early start so was gone by 7. I pretty much dragged Evan out of bed only to be kicked & hit then he took himself back to bed. I did my best to ignore it, carried on with what needed to be done to get everyone else ready & let Evan know his school clothes are ready or when I am ready to leave he will be put int he car & his clothes in a bag.
He kept saying he was thinking (about what he wanted to take for news) to which I went in again pulled him up & out of bed & said he can think about that while he gets dressed. Offered him toast to take in the car on the way etc.

I don't know if this was the right or wrong thing to have done but I couldn't help it. He hit me again & | just cried. I told him that I really don't like when he behaves this way & it makes me very sad. I love him but I don't like him when he is naughty. He got a little teary & said that I was being nasty not him. Eventually he got dressed (with help) and then while I regained myself in the bathroom while brushing my teeth etc, he got the toast out & ready in thte toaster & was a different kid.
When we got to school I gave him a hug told him I loved him & to please try & be be better behaved when he comes home this afternoon.

Jennifer - Bed time is hard. No matter how early we go in so say I do bring it forward to 7.30, he will then lay there till 9.30. Its not a matter of it taking an hour to wind down (so in at 8.30 asleep by 9.30) He just doesn't seem able to switch off till after 9.30. Believe me we have tried earlier time slots. It just makes no difference.

Usually teh bed time routine isn't too bad, we have our nights were getting him to put his PJs on etc is a much around but overall I would say its no worse thenthe next person. He tries alot of stalling (im hungry, thirsty etc etc) but usually its pretty stock standard.

Also making bed time earlier would be hard, I would need to be with him till he was asleep, but if I start this before DH is home, I then also have Isla to deal with who also doesn't go down till 8.30.

I know our bed time is alot later then alot of kids but I don't know how I could make it work doing it earlier.

We need to get him going to sleep on his own but in order to do that I need 2 parents here, I can't put the time needed to help evan become a good sleeper while I have 2 (soon 3) other children to care for at the same time.

Im going to do some ring around & see what help I can find locally.

eta - well I am at dead end... local parent line is for up to 3yrs, gave me the number for Karitane which is for kids up to 5.
I will try the triple p consultant that is closest to me but its a number for a Dr surgery so I bet I will just be asked to make an appointment for a time I wont be able to get too....

[Jennifer13]

I know our bed time is alot later then alot of kids but I don't know how I could make it work doing it earlier.

We need to get him going to sleep on his own but in order to do that I need 2 parents here, I can't put the time needed to help evan become a good sleeper while I have 2 (soon 3) other children to care for at the same time.

Im going to do some ring around & see what help I can find locally.

I don't think anybody could do it on their own. Is there any chance DH could take a few days off work to sort this out with you? If you had a weekend and a few extra days there's a chance you might be able to get Evan in the habit of a new routine. It sounds like you really need DH to help you out...

You are doing a good job to manage three kids while you are pg and I hope this is just a small bump in the road!

[*Efjay*]

Ok just off the phone with a triple p lady. reassured me that this is somewhat normal.
Said that this behaviour is usually linked to insecurity = lack of a solid schedule.
So I am going to work on bed time, bring it forward & stager out who goes down first etc.
Pocket money will stop & be replaced with 20c each night for good behaviour that he can collect to then spend if he likes.
a chart (as planned)
limited tv/pc time.
possibly separating the boys ( Glenn will sleep better then Evan so evan may need his own room, so not to disturb glenn while we get this happening)
telling evan what makes me sad, not his "behaviour" but what exactly ie: hitting me, name calling etc
Be his mum not his friend

She also agreed that DH's approach is not helping at all. Which I will have to convince Simon to be a part of the new rules & stick with me on it. I think it will be hard but as she said if I don't fix this now, its going to get worse.

I need to retrain not only Evan but myself also.. There is a loose schedule to which things are done but I don't stick to it day after day. I need to promise myself to be more strict with myself for this to work.

[*Efjay*]

Well fat lot of good building up the strength to call someone for help did.
I started telling DH about the suggested things to try & pretty mcuh straight off the bat he think its wont work its not worth it. When will he get time for him. He doesn't get home till7/7.30 some nights, and as soon as walks in we are putting kids to bed, when will he eat blah blah blah.

off to go secretly cry a bit more

[christy]

Without the help from your DH it will be hard. I know a few friends whose partners come home at 7pm and put the kids to bed with a cuddle and a book and bed straight away. They make sure they have one on one activities on the weekends with the children. Its not easy, but it was the only way for the kids.

its all I can say/do atm.

[Junglemum]

Oh FJ, you poor thing. It's so hard without support. Sometimes when men (and women i guess) think that they may be a little to blame, they get very defensive of ideas on how to fix things.

Maybe he needs some time to think about it. And perhaps ask him, if he is not willing to try what the experts recommend, then what is his solution? You are ready to try anything, but you NEED to do SOMETHING and you need his help.