bjrose, i think that letting this out will help, truly i do. You two (yourself and DD) are having some tough times, but you CAN come through it.

I think you might be misinterpreting the whole behaviour thing. DD asked you "why are you being nice to me?" because nice isn't the normal thing. You told her you love her and want to be nice. She doesn't know if it's true. She wants to know if you REALLY love her, if you REALLY want to be nice to her, so she's testing you. She's finding out what will happen if... Will mummy still love me? Will she still want to be nice to me? I really feel for you, it's SO hard to come through this sort of testing, but i KNOW you can do it!

Time together- do the other 2 nap? Do they nap when she's around? Honestly if i were you i'd start getting the younger 2 into bed by say 7 or half 7 so you can have a bit of one-on-one with her. I know, chaotic, especially without help (your DH's hours sound awful for you all ) but desperate times (your thoughts re: DOCS and her thoughts on wanting to die) call for desperate measures.

Can you head her off at the pass so to speak with her stubborness? Ask her at bedtime what she wants for breakfast and give her that? Or give her 2 choices in the morning and let her pick? Or sit down and ask her to help brainstorm a week of breakfasts and put them on the calendar so she has warning about what's coming? It might be simpler to have her fight HER than you. You give her 2 choices of breakfast and when she chucks a fit because she doesn't want whatshe picked you say "oh, that's a shame, maybe you need to think harder next time you have to pick" and leave it at that. She can eat it or not. She chose it. If she throws it on the floor she can pick it up or go to time out. IF she tanrtums during whichever she chose, well, that's a pity, maybe she should have made a different choice. The same with all the other things really - she DID eventually choose to do her homework so she copuld use the computer - she's smart, she's going to figure it all out sooner or later, kwim? Try not to put yourself in opposition to her, it only leads to more and more conflicts. Being calm and loving and "nice" REALLY DOES work - eventually. But a kid whose trust is broken needs to regain trust. A kid whose boundaries have moved needs to test new boundaries. A kid like Jaz, who is more needy and demanding and willful by nature needs to have the consistency PROVEN to herbefore she will rely on it. Gentle discipline doesn't always get you well-behaved kids, but it does get you well-adjusted adults.

It must feel like i'm sitting here churning out responses without having to LIVE it, and i KNOW how vast the gulf between saying and doing is hun, really i do. Have you thought of Triple P or other parenting classes for more hands-on advices?

Bx