Hi cjneil

Just another DIL perspective......
I often get my back up when i hear things that concern me through my
husband from his mum. I would much prefer she discuss things directly with me, rather than make comments to my hubby.
My husband and i discuss everything, including things said to him or i that our parents perhaps thought were not for the others ears, so don't be surprised if your son is telling his fiance everything you say to him. Unfortunately for us mums i think this is a natural progression in relationships.

Just my opinion because you were after some different perspectives,
I want to gently remind her that my son comes with a past and that past includes a child and her mother.
i am not sure i would take this very well. I would feel that my MIL was interferring a little. I am also pretty sure i would be offended if my MIL implied or said that it was more difficult for me to cope with the situation because i had not had children of my own. I am not meaning to offend you at all but just saying how that would make me feel.

On the other hand a letter saying that you understand how hard it is to be a step parent and that you are there for help and support anytime she needs it, would be welcomed by me!

Hope i am making sense, my daughter is crying out for me and i find it hard to concentrate!

Good luck, hope you get to chat about it over a cuppa sometime soon.