Hello all,
Thank you, thank you, for all of your comments and suggestions. I don't take offense to any of them and appreciate all of your advice. Last night was horrible. I spent most of it crying. My son has had more rage and said more threatening things to me in the past six months (since the engagement) than ever in his life. So he called to tell me that he had mailed the packages for the Christmas exchange and they would arrive on Christmas Eve. I said great and then asked how he was doing. He had a hard and angry tone and throughout the remainder of our conversation, he escalated into yelling. I kept talking quietly and calmly, trying to get him to come down. He kept ramping and went into this diatribe about the ex, how she ruined his life, threatened to take his daughter out of state which caused the current court case (establishing his parenthood and visitation and keeping her from moving out of state, since they weren't married) yada yada yada. I asked him why he was even talking about her if it made him so upset and he said that if I ever spoke to her again, for any reason, even to arrange pick up of his daughter, our relationship was over. Wow, I felt socked in the gut. I reminded him of the many conversations we had before when I told him I have no relationship with her, she isn't my buddy and that I was the one who said he needed to get a lawyer and fast to keep his daughter from leaving the state. That suggestion came with a $1500 check (gift from my husband and I) to help with the attorney fees. He then said...rather screamed (another gut punch) that the $1500 was gone in the blink of an eye. I told him that sounded really ungrateful and possibly like he expected something from me.
When he split from his ex, my husband and I helped him get into an apartment by paying the deposit and first months rent, bought a crib and car seat and$500 of household supplies at Wal Mart. We have done a ton and it is obviously not appreciated. My husband and I work very hard and are not rich by any stretch. After his prior requests for money, I finally told him he needs to stop asking people for money and be a man who takes care of his own life. That was several months ago. I have not been tempted to offer money again.
So the phone call ended with me saying that I couldn't calm him down and I was getting very hurt and I needed to hang up for me. I told him I loved him and I told him goodbye, Then I cried for half an hour. After much reflection and realization that this is indeed his fiances insecurity I did write her a letter via email. Remember, they live in New Mexico and we live in Seattle. I have only spent time with her twice because of the distance. If the letter doesn't help and the situation continues, I think I will just let them live their live without our family in it. I can't go on getting abused and they need to figure out this mess they are in. If the letter helps, great. Life goes on. But I will do whatever I need to do to see my granddaughter, so if I am not in my son's life I will contact the ex and arrange time with her daughter. The hardest part about being a parent of grown children is watching them destroy their lives. Love and cherish those babies of yours. I adored mine and still do. Below is the letter I wrote. Have a wonderful day!
Dear F,
I so wish we lived closer and we could go have lunch and a nice conversation. For now, this will have to do.
We are all looking forward to having you as part of our family! We so appreciate the role you play in J and H's life and know that it has been difficult at times. As a step-mother myself, I can relate to many of the things you are experiencing and will experience in your future. As you are very aware by now, J comes encumbered. Encumbered with a past, with a child, his money problems, with his family, and with Haedin's Mom. None of that will ever change. You are signing up for a lot! J needs and appreciates your support with all of these. Your role in Haedin's life is more important than you know. I love talking to her and having her telling me about "Shesha". It is so cute coming from a little girl's lips.
Some of the most difficult times in my life have been being a step-mom and all that it entails, but also the most rewarding, other than being a mother to my boys. Having only had boys, the whole girl thing was a bit beyond me. But we persevered and now many people have no idea that the girls are not mine. That is a wonderful feeling and one you will enjoy as well. It is often difficult, especially in the early years, when feelings are raw and memories are full. If everyone puts the needs of the children first and endures sometimes uncomfortable situations, then life goes on and children grow up and love you, respect you and consider you an important part of their lives. I think you shared with me that you were grown when your Dad remarried and since he doesn't live near you, you may not have the relationship with your own step-mom that I know you will have with H. Always put her needs first, never allow her to be used as reward or punishment, and you will be the best a parent can be. Just know you are very important to her, to J and to us. You have accomplished a lot in your life. You should be very proud of yourself for all the difficult obstacles you have overcome. You are about to embark on the most difficult and rewarding journey of all. We look forward to getting to know you better as the years go on and to welcoming you into this crazy, wonderful, loving, funny, family we call our own.
Much love,
Cheri
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