I am doing my best to get on with things, and look forward with hope and positivity. Naturally I still have bad days, and I do still feel quite a bit of grief, anger, bitterness at all thats happened, which I am working on letting go and moving through.
I think my ability to cope with other life stresses is quite reduced at the moment though.
Yesterday I backed into a car. It was my fault. We have a very large excess on our insurance (recently changed the policy to pay a low premium) and this is a cost we cant really afford right now on top of IVF, which simply brings us more stress. I just had a meltdown yesterday afternoon, it all felt like too much. I know it wasn't the end of the world. Noone was hurt etc...but sometimes it doesnt take much to push me to that point of extreme stress and upset.
My psychologist says I am still in the grieving process about everything and to just be gentle with myself. Sometimes I feel like I should be doing better, and be stronger...and I know so many have had it worse than me. I guess in time I'll get there.
Do you sometimes have those meltdown type days...where the buildup of things just gets on top of you?
Oh Emma you know you have gone through a hell of a lot in the last few months, you have to be kind to yourself, some things are bound to fall by the wayside, they definitely do in my world.
I have days where I just can't get out of bed. Not many and they are very sporadic but disabling just the same. I stay at home and see no-one. Call in sick to work (who are very supportive).
I hate feeling like this though. It sucks.
I guess we do just need to be kind to ourselves. I'd never be this hard on a friend, so why do I do it to myself?
hun, sometimes you live on the edge emotionally, and all it takes is one unexpected thing to tip you over the edge. throughout this whole journey, i've had those "moments" where something completely random has tipped me over the edge into a three day depressive meltdown. just recently (start of this week) i went to the bank to deposit money, checked netbank next day and they hadn't credited to my account. now, it was fixed within a couple of minutes on the phone, but it was the tip of the iceberg and i had a complete meltdown - i just couldn't function without tears for the next day or so. it was horrible. and when i thought back on it, things like that have been what have torn me apart every time for the past four years or so! it's damn hard - you can build up a protective wall about the IVF stuff to a degree - you kinda know what to expect so you can harden your heart - but when something out of left field comes along, not only does THAT get you, but it starts a domino effect and ALL your walls fall down and everything becomes fresh and raw again until you can build your defences back up
don't be hard on yourself - yes, you made a mistake, yes, you have to sort it out - and yes, you fell apart - but it happens to everyone that has something they are trying to protect themselves from!
take care of yourself - things will work themselves out eventually.
Sue- you are right, being more gentle and less hard on ourselves is something to strive for!
BG- they way you explain it is so spot on...that's just it...the car thing happened, and the prospect of a big cost and suddenly all the other things (IVF, no baby etc) seemed just too much to bear as well...I guess you are right, my careful walls crashed.
Today, like you described, I am close to tears ALL the time and feel so fragile. Hopefully over the weekend I can start rebuilding those walls so things are more manageable again
Maybe over the weekend do something nice for yourself, like a massage or pedicure or something. I know it doesn't make it all better but just something to make you feel nice for a time.
Thanks Sue, DH and I are planning on going for a drive and a picnic one day, so that'll be nice
p.s. on the subject of me hitting a car....I have found that lately I have had a number of near misses in the car...all my fault, where I do silly things, like pull out in front of someone, and seem to have somehow NOT SEEN the other car. Things like that. I mentioned it to the psych and he said that when under such grief/stress etc, even though I THINK I am functioning well, I really am constantly a bit distracted, and not focussed well, and not really performing at my best. Can you ladies relate to that at all too?
I can relate to what your saying. Somedays you just shouldn't get out of bed.
I agree with the counsellor be kind to yourself. You are working through a lot at this time. You will be stronger in time. What one person can handle and what another can handle is a very different thing. It has nothing to do with if someone has it harder than you. Take it easy, take time to reflect on your feelings. They are real, and true for you. Don't be tough on yourself now, think what would I say to my best friend if they were going through this. And then put it into practice for yourself.
Im sorry also about the accident. I have done that too on a bad day. I can also share with you the expense of IVF and having an accident just puts more stress on you.
I hope things get better for you, just give yourself time and be kind to yourself.
You have been through such a tough time and yet still send encouragement to others on their journeys. You are an amazing women.
Everyone deals with stresses in their life differently and I think we have ALL had a meltdown in one way or another.
The IVF journey is very different than anything I have ever experienced. The emotions we experience are so varied, so many highs and lows. And then we have to cope with everything else going on around us in our lives. It is very hard to function "normally" when your concentration levels just arent there.
Glad you and DH are going out on the weekend. You need some time out away from the stresses.
Possums - I am so sorry you are struggling right now - it's really hard isn't it? I can relate to what you are saying. I've been crying at everything - tv shows, commercials, etc. I've also been doing dumb things - picked up a sandwich for lunch, paid for it, left it on the counter, walked away - had to come back for it. I've done things like this for 3 weeks now. I also know that I am truly exhausted - both physically & emotionally. I had to work really late yesterday as I've fallen quite behind given all the time I've spent at doctors of late and as I was walking out at 8pm, I called DH and started crying - for NO reason at all. I think things like your picnic that remind you to relax, enjoy life, and that yes - there is more to life than TTC. I know how important TTC is - but I tell myself everyday that I have to remember that I can't continue to allow it to control my life 100% (not that I've figured out how to do this yet - I'm very obsessive).
The accident must have been hard - I'm so sorry that this happened but very happy everyone is OK. If you are aware of being spacey and not all there, try to give yourself a break and treat yourself well.
All of this is easier said than done - but we all understand and have been there (or are there right now).
Thanks all of you for the support and encouragement- you are all great and supportive even though all of you have things going on too- it does help me along
Sweetie the answer is yes I find it hard to cope. More so when I was using my own eggs than now though, as I decided back then I had done enough grieving about my own fertility and I had to move on in order to keep going with IVF and have a happier life. You and I have talked before about grieving and that it can be long and hard. I am glad you can share your pain and fears here and I hope it helps so you can build your resilience to cope with such a tough journey.
Have I ever mentioned to you the book by Stephanie Dowrick "Choosing Happiness"? A sort of bible/reference book for me
Thanks Dusty- you haven't mentioned that book, however I have read other books of hers and found them to be great, so I'll seek that one out ..and thanks for the support
I am feeling more together again today after a nice weekend with DH and some time with my mum (always a great support). We took time to relax and also time to assess our budget and our short term plans for things, which helped us (especially me) regain some sense of control, even if it's only an illusion on control!
I so feel for you hun. I completely understand the grief, anger and bitterness and those 'bad' days. You really are doing so well considering everything you've been through, you seem to be able to identify what you're feeling and why very well - and that's half the battle to getting through the days. I know this journey has changed me as person and i worry it's not in a good way - but from your posts supporting others I can tell you are a wonderful, strong, compassionate person. You have had a horrible time - more than many people go through in a lifetime - you are allowed to feel the way you do. But you keep on going and that means you are stronger than you think.
You are doing the best you can. Give yourself plenty of time and dont beat yourself up about the feelings you have.
I'm so glad you had a lovely weekend, hopefully there are many more to come. Wishing you the very best with your journey. You will get there. Lots of
Right now I am finding it extremely difficult to cope. I learned yesterday that my HCG levels have stopped falling (they need to get back to 0) and that this may mean that despite a clear Ultrasound done by the specialized ultra sound place I amy still be retaining "product" and thus still need a D&C. I am fine with having another D&C at this point - I need this behind me mentally and physically. BUT they won't do it unless they see something on an ultrasound.
My FS said what is going on with me is very unusual - to have a clean U/S and to have stopped bleeding (finally) but to have somewhat high hcg evels that have stopped dropping. She mentioned investigating whether this is an ectopic! But I know the U/S dr looked for this - could they miss a 5 week miscarried ectopic?
I am not sleeping - am always on the verge of tears - and am picking fights with DH (only some of which are justified IMO - he needs to stop telling me to just relax and wait and see). I can't take this wait any more and am so afraid that there will be damage that will further interfere with out ttc. Makes me want to give up and say a baby just isn't meant to be for us. Which makes me so sad I'm crying while I type.
Reply With Quoteyou know you have gone through a hell of a lot in the last few months, you have to be kind to yourself, some things are bound to fall by the wayside, they definitely do in my world.
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do you sometimes find it hard to cope?
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