Emotional Strain from DH Perspective

[VelociRaptor]

Please let me know if I have posted in the wrong forum and also excuse me for my lack of terminology.

Here is a brief history of where we are at:

As the title states I am the husband and my wife and we have been TTC for over 2 years now. My wife fell pregnant back in Aug 2007 but lost the baby after about 8 weeks. The issue with struggling to fall pregnant was due to PCOS and her estrogen levels not getting high enough. Since then we have seen a fertillity specialist and my wife has had to go through (not sure of the name here) taking a pen injector and also getting plenty of blood tests to track her levels. Finally she had to inject herself with a trigger of pregnyl and has to continue with pregnyl 1500 every 4 days.

This is where all the emotions and feelings have hit rock bottom. My wife is now talking about how she is not sure is she wants children anymore and also questioning our relationship (Been together 11 years, married 2 and a half). She says that the drugs aren't helping but still thinks there must have been issues deep down that have been dragged up with all that is going on. I know the excitement level in our relationship had dropped rather low, we both seemed to much rather sit at home and watch movies than getting out and about. I am now thinking the worst and worried that this wonderful relationship we have had over the last decade is going to be destroyed by trying toi have children. There was nothing more in the world that either of wanted other than to have kids. I have been trying my hardest to do whatever is required to make things more enjoyable for us, but it seems like this is only coming from one side. I don't know what I should do, as it seems to be affecting me more than her. She has one more pregnyl shot in 3 days followed by a final blood test 5 days later to find out if we were successful or not.

I am hoping everything comes right once she gets the result of the final BT but just really struggling as to what to do between now and then.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Sare]

Hello

It sounds like you are both having a hard time.

This business of trying to have a baby and meeting obstacle after obstacle is so painful and wearing.

I haven't been through the IVF business yet (we are just about to embark on it) - so I can't comment on that aspect of it. But my partner and I have been trying to conceive for a long time - and we have been on a painful and at times despairing journey and it's really brought up all the dormant and tricky aspects of our relationship. We had some counselling from a great therapist and it really helped. We were just too mired in it all to see clearly. She really helped us see things more clearly. And now that each of our issues are in the open and we are really facing our own feelings and reactions and taking responsibilty for our own feelings, our relationship is stronger than ever.

I hope that this is true for you in time too.

In the short term - your FS might be attached to a clinic with in-house counsellors? Perhaps the best short term step is a sympathetic ear for you - someone who understands the process and how it is to be the partner of a woman in a couple trying to conceive.

Good luck with the forthcoming BT.

[belle333]

Hi VelociRaptor

It certainly is a roller coaster ride of emotions ... that is undeniable. And filling your body up with hormones can be difficult at best. I found my own stimulated cycle very tiring and I did have times when I had very dark thoughts - which I have to admit scared me.

While what she is saying may be true, its only natural to have doubts.

As suggested counselling may be a good idea and available through your clinic. While I am no expert I suggest that you continue to support her through this difficult time as best you can. Also a holiday away could be a nice distraction for the two of you.

Good luck and best wishes

[VelociRaptor]

Yeah I suggested a counciller but my wife wants to wait until the final blood test next week and see how her feelings and emotions are going then. I think I need to try and be stronger through this time and just be there for her instead of thinking the worst.

Give her her space when needed and be there for a sholder to cry on when needed.

Also suggested the getting away for a while but she thinks she is not up to it.

I will just get on with this week and try and be as strong as I can and see how things pan out.

Thanks for the replies.

[numa]

Hi VelociRaptor

I hope things are improving for you and your wife. I felt very touched by your story and your courage to ask for help in a forum with few male voices. I have been through one IVF cycle so far but my husband and I have been TTC for over 18 months (including going through a miscarriage). While we haven't faced relationship issues, I know what a deeply sad and bewildering experience it is for both.

It seems you are doing what you can to support you wife in a difficult time, and I encourage you to make sure you have people who support you as well. I think its important to have someone other than ones partner to talk and download fears and frustrations to - I know from experience it's sometimes too much for the husband/wife to handle, particularly if they are on the edge as well.

Wishing you all the best

[VelociRaptor]

Unfortunately I am close to all her family then any of mine, so I have been spending most of my time talking to her sister and brother. This has been good though as it has opened my eyes quite a lot.

Things have started to look up a bit lately, after talking to her brother (he told me how he had suffered from depression 2 years ago and it sounds similar to what my wife is going through) I have taken the attitude that I am her is you need me here, and I will give you your space when you need it. I decided to do a few things for myself over the weekend and it was quite good. I think I ended up smothering her too much as I was just so scared that I was going to loose her and I had no idea what I needed to do. So I have taken on a more positive attitude and hopefully things can keep heading in the right direction.

Thanks for all the advice.

[briggsy's girl]

i read your OP and thought to myself "OMG - this is exactly what i do to my DH!" - i know the further we go on this journey, the more isolated i feel through it - not that my DH isn't there for me 100%, cos he's there more than any of my friends husbands could ever be! - it's more that, every time something goes wrong, i feel guilty, like i'm letting HIM down, as well as missing an another opportunity to fall pg. in my rational moments, i KNOW that's not what happens, but it's how i feel - and i lash out and try to make him feel as bad as i'm feeling - when i've been at my worst, i've wanted out - not that i don't want to be with him, but at that very moment, i can't see how we can survive the pain of what we're going through. i've told DH in those moments that i don't want children, i don't want to continue going through this, i don't think we're ready to be parents - a lot of stuff that, when i'm between cycles - hell, even when i've calmed down - i know it's not true - but at THAT moment, i truly feel that way. thankfully, like you, my DH is always there for me - he listens, he lets me vent - he puts up with me yelling, crying, hanging up on him (he works away) - he offers me space, a shoulder to cry on... i know it hurts him - and i don't know how he puts up with me! but he does - and ultimately, i think we're getting stronger as a couple - even as we're going through this hell!!! hope you and your DW can get through this - it seems like you're as supportive as my DH has been through all of this, so you're on the right track

take care

BG

oh yeah, for what it's worth, i too suffer depression - i've refused medication as i don't want to add extra drugs to my system if i can avoid it - and what your DW is doing sounds very similar. i have spent a lot of hours with a psychologist working out coping mechanisms. i wouldn't have appreciated it being suggested when i was at my worst, but when i was feeling ok-ish, i realised on my own that i needed some help....

[tiggerlinda]

First of all well done on posting and asking the question.

I know that the pressure of IVF is always hard and that I think DH is distant when we go through IVF. Rationally I know he loves me but from time to time I think that he is not feeling/empathising with all I am going through.

His reply to me is he hates it when he can't help me. He loves being involevd in the excitment now but had hung back from it all beacause he couldn't cope with the tough my injections and pain. He is great and loving this is our 5 th stim cycle so we sort of have a routine by now but I remeber for all of the 1st one we were at each others throats.

Scary but real is how I put the IVF process and more involved and volitle than normal TCC.

We try and work on being closer with each other and do simple things like a weekend coffee date to have some us not at home or grocery shopping time.

I do hope this cycle is it for you and your wife and things get better for you

[Acacia]

Hi there

The replies that you've received have offered heaps of great things that can help you, I just thought I'd offer something from a slightly different perspective.

I can hear really clearly that you really want to be able to help your DW to deal with what she is going through. Do you think she may be in interested in joining BellyBelly as well? There is so much support here for everyone in lots of different ways that can make all the difference for an individual. There may be something/support here that is useful for her also.

The main reason I suggest it is that sometimes it can relieve huge amounts of pressure - pressure in a relationship and personal pressure and expectations, and how these two co-relate - just to know that there are people out there that understand what you are going through because they are experiencing similar, in similar circumstances. It helped relieve a great deal of pressure for me when I joined in the BellyBelly forums.

To share with you my own point of view with my relationship with my husband, DH has tried many things to help at times when I have been feeling really very low, but the best thing from my perspective that he has done to help me is to simply accept that it's happening, there isn't a lot that can be done to fix it when the drugs and the TTC rollercoaster make you feel like you're at rock bottom, and just to ride through it with me, so we are riding it together.

I hope that knowing that there are people here (many!) that get where you're coming from and understand some of the pressures you are going through is helping you and please try not to put too much pressure on yourself. You are experiencing TTC also, and it's important that you look after yourself just as much as your wife needs tender care during the journey.

Best wishes,

Miss C

[Hollybolly]

Hi There,

I'm not sure if I can add anything more than whats already been posted by the others, but if you could suggest even a read through BB she might see that she's not on her own.

I have never suffered depression (that I'm aware of)... but I do know that what I have been through at certain points on my IVF cycles have been nothing short of horrific - and no other emotion even comes close to it.

If it helps, I can tell you that my DH and I have a brilliant relationship - I coudn't be more content ....however, EVERY time we cycle, I have gone through a point where I feel like its not working, and have felt like we have issues.
We don't, but its the drugs, honestly.

It makes you think crazy thoughts, and it makes you do silly things - Its horrible, and at the time, you honestly believe the emotions you're feeling.
(I can't imagine depression on top of that, and how hard that must be..)

I went through stages the first 2 cycles where I thought along the lines of your wife - maybe it was bringing up underlying problems in our relationship that were there but I didn't know it - It has taken me a further 2 cycles to realise thats not the case - its just the way I am when I'm cycling (Yay for my hubby, hey? )

The best advice I can give you is to just push through it - As soon as the drugs are out of her system, I can tell you things will improve!

As for her not feeling like going anywhere or wanting to do anything, I can identify with that too - I always just feel so feral and fat and cranky when I'm cycling (I spend the whole cycle in track pants because my tummy is too swollen to fit into normal clothes) - add being tired - plus I try to avoid seeing anyone that I know when I'm waiting for a result, because its hard to know what to say to them when you have no clue yourself... and you feel like you have to make an effort to 'be positive' when you just don't feel that way at all!
Its easier to steer clear of anyone and just deal with yourself...

By now, that last pregnyl shot should be almost out of her system, and you should be noticing a change for the better!!!

Hoping for a positive result for you both on this cycle - stay strong, and know there is loads of support from all of us here on BB

Holly

[VelociRaptor]

Hi there

The replies that you've received have offered heaps of great things that can help you, I just thought I'd offer something from a slightly different perspective.

I can hear really clearly that you really want to be able to help your DW to deal with what she is going through. Do you think she may be in interested in joining BellyBelly as well?

My DW already posts on a forum called Essential Baby and I didn't want to look like I was prying to her personal space I guess.


I guess the comments that she thinks there where issues deep downbefore she started the injections is what worries me most. She said one guys at dancing says for a relationship to be strong, you both need to be working together for a very strong goal, thinks like dancing, going to the movies are the supportive acts, the one deep and meaningful goal that keeps it strong. He suggested things such as going to Africa and helping out with the children and things like that.

It is amazing the roller coaster ride the DH experiences in this, I have never had to go through such an emotional time to the point where I have gone and seen a councillor.

Well here is hoping all improves, I am definitely in there for the long haul though.

Thanks for all the advice

[Acacia]

I can understand where you're coming from in terms of not wanting to pry into your wife's personal space. Glad to hear that she has a online community that she is involved with - as I've stated I think it is a really valuable thing.

She said one guys at dancing says for a relationship to be strong, you both need to be working together for a very strong goal, thinks like dancing, going to the movies are the supportive acts, the one deep and meaningful goal that keeps it strong. He suggested things such as going to Africa and helping out with the children and things like that.

I totally agree with you on this - in fact, that totally strong goal for DH and I is getting pregnant and starting a family through the really difficult process of IVF, despite the odds against it occuring naturally. Does your DW view your TTC through AC something you are going through together and that there is a goal to reach together?

I could be interpreting this completely incorrectly - and I apologise if I am - but her saying the above sounds a little to me like doesn't view the process of going through IVF as something significant you are going through together. I've found the actual physical process of IVF a very isolating thing - especially isolating me from my DH in this way. Perhaps your wife is feeling really isolated from you because of the whole process and difficulty of the things she is going through physically and mentally. DH and I have to remind ourselves - in particular I have to keep reminding myself - that despite that isolating mental and physical experience, this is something we are going through together and will reach the goal together. That is the single most significant thing that gives me hope when I'm feeling despondent, and keeps my feet on the ground when my head is way up the air in the fog of hormones and stress during a cycle.

If this is the case, is there a way that you can tell you wife that despite the isolating things (the physical process) that you will reach this goal of successfully conceiving via AC together and that this important, shared goal can bring you closer together? An important fulfilling life goal doesn't necessarily involve trekking around the world (although it most definitely can!), but just something that is vitally important to you together in your relationship, and something that you decide together (not at someone elses suggestion) and would be a big acheivement for you.

I don't mean to be over-stepping my bounds here by offering unsolicited advice, but you have mentioned more than once about your DW bringing up concerns about deep down issues before she started treatment and I wanted to address that. Is there a way that you are able to remind her of what your relationship was based on, and the wonderful things you see in it and the wonderful things you may have done together before the stresses of AC? DH and I like to remind ourselves of all positive and sustaining memories before we started AC - it also draws us closer together during the isolating moments, and at the times where it feels like a struggle to continue with the treatment and that it may be affecting our relationship. Perhaps it would be helpful to remind your DW of the positives in your relationship, and that the stress, let alone the intense hormone treatment, can skew perspective and that focussing on this really important goal and the things you do share together can help balance out the disquiet that seems to occur from the upheaval of treatment (to so many of us!). I'm sure drawing the focus to the positives would be a really good thing for you to deal with your own emotional battle and stress also.

You sound very determined to cope with the stresses and the difficulties your DW is going through, and I applaud you for determination and strength - you're so right - it's a huge emotional journey to go through as a DH/partner, and I can tell you that all in here that are going through AC - we all are so thankful to have partners that also show determination and support that you are showing your wife. All the more so because we often ask for unique and exceptional support and understanding.

Sincerely hope I haven't overstepped my bounds with the advice, hope it's been helpful and I really hope to hear that things are improving for you, as you say - you're in for the long haul, and that counts for everything when going through such a difficult life journey as AC.

Miss C

[VelociRaptor]

Definitely not overstepping any bounds, I am just after all the information that I can get that may help me through these tough times. There seems to be a common occurrence of how emotional and hard things get when going through AC. This gives me a glimmer of hope that this is all that my wife and I are going through at the moment. I am really missing our cuddles at night while we lay down and watch TV, even getting a kiss goodbye or hello when I leave and get home from work. I don't know if I should continue to do these little things, or just give her space. I have told that I am hear whenever she needs me.

Sometimes things seem too hard and I feel like giving up, there is only 3 days before her final blood test and I hope whatever the result she can get some clarity in how she is feeling.

I am trying my hardest to be supportive and not let her see how worried/depressed and scared I am that what we are going through is more than just the AC. I even went and say a councillor the other day as I know I need to look after myself during these troubling times. I am lucky I have supportive family (even if it is my DW family)

Once again thanks for all the advice and helpful comments, I will keep you all updated on how things progress.

[Pookiegirlba]

I have been reading these posts with interest, and I just wanted to pop in and say that I think your wife is lucky to have such a lovely and caring DH

Speaking personally, the physical closeness of sharing affection is a very important part of my relationship with my DH and it has been very important to continue to be affectionate with each other through the AC process. I'm not talking about sex, although that is part of it, but more the little everyday spontaneous gestures like holding hands, cuddling, kissing and talking. My DH has been fabulous when I've been stressed out about the cycle, even those times when I've been a complete raving lunatic from the hormones, just a small touch or a cuddle calms and soothes me and helps in ways that he'll never know.

I don't know how your wife responds to affection, but my advice is to continue to show your affection in those small ways, ie. a kiss hello and goodbye, a cuddle before going to sleep. I think it's important to continue those rituals as a way of reassuring each other and keeping a sense of normalcy through such an incredibly stressful time.

That's my two cents worth anyway I hope you are able to weather this difficult time together and come out the other end stronger and closer.

Vicki

[slyder]

VR, first up I'll mention that I'm a bloke also.

The best advice I can offer is to try and make sure making babies isn't the focus of your life. By "your", I mean both of you. When things don't go well, the bad stuff can be crushing and so many people lose perspective on the wider joys and good points of life. It becomes all consuming, and as procreation seems to be at the forefront of so many minds, it makes life very difficult.

Also, as your wife is experiencing the fertility issues, she may well be experiencing a range of emotions from guilt, anger, loss of self esteem, emotional detachment etc. Without knowing either of you personally it's hard to give educated advice, but I would strongly suggest you try and revisit things which have made you both happy over the years prior to trying to conceive. I know from our experience (DW and I) we still do all the stuff we have always done, and still talk the same copious levels of crap () and still make each other laugh almost everyday. It probably sounds unrealistic, but if you can both make trying to conceive just one segment of your life, I think things will be somewhat easier.

[VelociRaptor]

Hey Guys,

Thanks for all the responses, things have turned around here quite a bit. Things are close to back to normal with just a few things in our own lives we may need to sort out. We also definitely need to do more stuff together as a couple as well, things that we wouldn't normally do and just see what we like.

We had a talk last night were we both discussed how we were feeling and this seemed to make a big difference.

We were able to cuddle and sit back and watch TV before bed last night and that just made me feel so much better.

Once again for all the great advice, and I will keep you updated with how we pan out with the AC.

[fionas]

Good on you Velociraptor. I haven't been through the TTC/IVF journey that you have but I have had relationship difficulties so here's what helped us. Often when one person wants to talk, it's the last thing the other person wants to do especially if you've had a day/night when you're feeling a bit narky with each other. So we ask each other - when would be a good time? That way, we're not discussing things on the hop and we both have time to chew through our thoughts before discussing them face-to-face. When things have been really bad between us, we sometimes use email too! I know it sounds dumb but having the option to write down your thoughts sometimes gives each person a chance to say everything they want to say too which is not always possible when you're talking face-to-face.

Also, it's easy for women to misconstrue their partner's desire to cuddle. Often we see it as a ploy as a precursor to sex - and if we think it's automatically going to lead there, then we'll turn down the cuddle. I don't know if this is your situation but sometimes we need reassurance that a cuddle can just be a cuddle for the closeness and a demonstration of affection etc.

Finally, have fun doing stuff together - it always helps just to have a change of physical environment - going out for the day or the evening. We can start to associate our home environment with tension/arguments so it helps to get away from that, even for an hour.

My DP and I do much better at working stuff out when we're in the pub rather than sitting in our own living room!

Good luck - sounds like things are on the up and up. Be gentle with yourselves. It's very easy to lose heart but if you get through a difficult situation, you will both feel unbeatable! And that's the best feeling.

[Acacia]

Really glad to hear that things are looking more positive, VR. Finding that spot and that place at which you can communicate with your partner at the same level of understanding and emotion can make all the difference when things are difficult. So glad you got to that point.

I agree with slyder (ETA and Fiona!) as well about the having the overall perspective of where TCC fits into your life and finding the right balance with all the other joyful things that can come from putting your energy into other areas of life (it's something I'm trying to work at, both for myself and with DH, at the moment, too). It's great to hear you've made plans to try some new things that will give something other than TTC for you and DW to focus on, and will bring you those shared and enjoyable experiences - best things to bring joy into life

Good luck with your continuing AC treatment - hope to hear good news on that front in the future for you too

Miss C