Today I had my big scan. Everything was perfect, bubby's growing beautifully and the lady kept saying it was so well behaved as it kept getting in the perfect positions for her to measure everything. I know I should be over the moon right now, but I'm furious!!
DH was dead against finding out the sex of our bub. We had a surprise with DD and I just wanted something different this time. This maybe my last pregnancy so I wanted to know what it felt like knowing whats on the way. DH would not budge or give me any leeway what so ever! When the lady asked me I was fighting back tears as I desperately did want to know. I am the one that went through 4 months of m/s, I am carrying it for 9 months, I will be giving birth to it, breast feeding it, changing it... Why don't I get a say?! I just feel in the end it should be my decision, it that wrong of me??
With DD I really didn't mind either way if we found out so having a surprise was great, but when it came to the decision about pain killers during labour, once again DH was dead against it and even during the labour he told the MW not to give me an Epi even though I was screaming for one. I had a terrible delivery and sustained a 3rd deg tear from it all and went through 8 months of pain everyday... If I had an Epi I probably wouldn't have had to feel every litlte bit of that tear during the delivery and may have helped not feel every stitch I recieved. Once again I am not allowed the Epi.
Please don't get me wrong I really love DH but I can't help but feel pure anger towards him right now. Has anyone else felt like this??? I really hate feeling like this and treating him the way I am right now, I just can't help it. I can't stop crying and I am snapping at poor DD way too much atm and all I can think is he brought this upon all of us.
Thanks for the vent. Would love to hear from anyone who have had a similar thing with DH making decisions without so much as a thought for you.
my dp didnt want to find out i went tpo my ultrasound my self and just asked i was lucky he wasnt there and bub showed i ended up telling him as u can see her girly bits ont he scan pic
i sujest if u can and if its avalible go to a scan place that does private scans and get one done that way u can find out and bond with bub
with the labour issue i told dp if he starts dictating ill be asking him to leave till he comes back to his sences its us giving birth we need as much encouragment and love not a dictatorship
Sorry but your DH would not ALLOW you to have a epi???? Who is the woman in labour here? No it isn't nomal. As for the not allowing you to know the sex. WHy can't you know and he not?
At one stage he did say that I could find out, then as I got talking to people about it he changed his mind. We talked about it again on the weekend (well we fought about it) he said again that I could find out but he'd be really upset and I couldn't tell anyone, to which I said I'd tell my besty and my mum then he lost it with me. That night he got crazy drunk and had D&M with his besty telling him how much I hurt him blah blah blah and they both made me feel like absolute rubbish! Then he kept going on about how much I hurt him after that... Why do I have to feel guilty?! Grrrr
my DH is adament about not knowing, as he was with DD1. This time I decided I wanted to know, even if he didn't, so I just got him to go out of the room for the ultrasound technician to tell me. It's your right to know just as much as it is his right not to. As for the labour- oh my! He needs to back OFF!
Aww Tiff , I'm so sorry your DH wouldn't let you find out the gender of your bub and I'm so sorry he wouldn't support your request for an epi during your labour .
I would be feeling upset if I were in the same situation too. I think your DH needs a good talking to by someone, it is completely unfair to take away your rights and wishes like that. I think it's a fair compromise that you find out this bub's gender seeing as you didn't find out last time. Maybe you need to sit down for a really big chat about how his actions make you feel. Tell him what it would mean to you if you could find out the gender and tell him how it affected you that you didn't feel supported during labour. Say things like "When you said xyz, it made me feel like this...", rather than "You made me feel...", etc.
Big hugs lovely . There is one thing I know for sure about your bub, he or she will be GORGEOUS!
Pish honey, you are the one going through the pain of labour. You get the choice of painkillers and I believe (someone correct me if I'm wrong) the doctors and midwives are required to listen to you.
Your anger is completely justified - your body and your decision. He can have a say in painkillers when he is the one pushing the baby out.
Has he at least given a reason why he's not 'allowing' you to have them?
The gender decision was something me and DH warred a little over, whether we would or not. In the end - its still a surprise whether you find out now or at the birth. But relationships are about compromise and he needs to meet you in the middle and not expect it his way. This is something me and my DH have been learning. We decided that I would know and he wouldn't. But then he changed his mind quickly and decided it would be fun to know as DD was not known til birth anyway.
However the drugs in childbirth - that isn't need to be compromised on. It's definitely a tough situation to be in. I hope something can be worked out.
Tiff I am really sorry you are going through this at the moment. I am angry at your DH too!!! I was washing the dishes earlier and just thinking if I was you, I would kick him out of the room, and find out the sex. You are right, you are going through this, and your choice to find out is as valid to you as his is to not find out. So why can't you find out and then keep it from him if it's that important! Maybe you can ring back the place where you had the scan and ask the Sonographer if she did actually see what it was and to tell you over the phone!!?
As far as the epi goes, I would be stating VERY clearly that you will chose however you see fit on the day, and tough luck to him. YOu are the one going through it and you have every right to make your own decision. If he wants you to go through it naturally (but not what you want), then you tell him that you will personally give him vasectomy AT HOME with a blunt kitchen knife!!!
I told my DH that in a day and age where I CAN have something to help me, then I will take it if I need it THANK YOU!!
with the gender, i think he's being a childish prat going and sooking to his friend and then playing guilt games. next time you see your care provider, ask if it is written on the scan results (DD's was!) and find out anyway. he shouldn't stop you knowing something
with the pain killers - sorry, i'd be telling him he wasn't welcome in the labour ward if he can't respoct your wishes with regards to how your labour progresses. he has never, and will never, go through labour - and as much as he can encourage you to do what you initially want with respect to your birth plan, he cannot deny you pain meds - and ANY medico that took his word for it isn't worth their salt. they should be sending him out and talking to you between contractions to confirm YOUR wishes. YOUR body, YOU birth - to hell with his opinion. talk to your middy or doc NOW about this - they need to have it noted on your file that he is to make NO decisions regarding your care - and if you're asking for meds and he is trying to talk you out of it, he should be asked to leave the room to allow you to decide
I'm not even pregnant and have already discussed with DH whether we'd be finding out the sex, and if he said no then i'd find out without him there. You can't stop one person from not wanting something, so if he doesn't want to find out that's fine but he shouldn't stop you from finding out. I'd be making another u/s appt and going by myself. But that's just me you have to be happy with what you choose.
it's a tough position to be in and hopefully you can get what you want. Maybe compare it to something he values. I find that works with my DH, because if you compare it to something they understand they are more likely to agree to things.
I wouldve found out what I am having if DH wasn't so set on not finding out...and i can live with that.... we will both keep it a surprise for the day as something we can enjoy together rather than finding out seperately.
I don't think it's right for him to dictate to you that that is what you should be doing, instead he should be giving you a pretty good reason for not wanting to find out. then one of you changing your decision (not always necessarily him)....
As for the epi, yes ultimately it is your choice and your experience sounds horrible and i'm so sorry that happened... does he have a reason for not wanting you to have it other than a natural labour??? I would be getting someone to sit down with him and explain everything about it to him - pros and cons... maybe he has just heard cons about it and is worried about you and the baby?
as all the other posters have said, you need to be able to make the decisions that affect your body, during your labour. i think your dh needs to grow up and get his head out of his backside.
he had no right putting the guilties on you, and i think maybe you need to set some boundaries in place.
sorry you're going through this chickie, i have an extremely supportive dp, so i have no experience in what you are going through, i just know that you don't have to.
Oh hun I am so sorry your going through this the girls have given you great advice so I wont repeat it!
But I would be asking the sex at a routine checkup..do they have a scan thing in the room? And then dont tell DH what it is..make sure you tell him you are finding out though cause it may cause more trouble if you dont xxx
I'd just like to say that at our 20 week scan we chose not to find out our baby's gender (although I did tell the u/sound lady, if it showed up it was ok), DH was not there at the time, I took a girlfriend with me. This decision was made because DH did not want to know. I went along with it, because I didn't know if I could keep it from him. It was recorded on to the DVD and when I came home I sat and went thru it, over and over til I found it, then rang back to confirm what I thought I had seen. I'm now 38 weeks, DH still doesn't know what we're having, my eldest son does, my youngest does not. I have also told a few close friends that I know would not tell. I also had my Ob confirm it for me at a later date, however when DH came with me to a later appointment, he told the Ob he did not want to know and that area was avoided during that scan.
Is it possible for you to find out by yourself. It's not too hard a secret to keep, I just keep changing from him/her, she/he whenever I talk about bub, we've discussed both "types" of names. When I have bought clothes I've been alone (or with my eldest son - which is how he found out).
I'd be talking with the midwifes/doctors and letting them know that you will be making the decisions as to what pain relief you will be using. This is not your DH's decision, you are the one going through this, does he say why he doesn't want you using pain relief.
I am so sorry that your DH is being so disrepectful to you and your wishes.... i think it's fair enough for you to find out the sex of your baby, fine if he doesnt want to know but why should you not be allowed to find out just because he doesnt want to know.
As for the not being ALLOWED to have a Epi , i dont think he has any right in telling you what you can and cant have during labour ...... they have no idea what our bodies go through to birth our gorgeous bubba's.
I feel so bitter and angry!
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks