Possums, my DH won't allow me to see him in pain very often - i can see it in his eyes, but he won't openly grieve unless i have fallen apart and have pretty much walked away from him cos i think he's not there for me. i know he feels the pain, but he won't express it at all as he feels he needs to be strong for me. i don't agree, but hey, i can't change who he is! the only time he allows me to see him vulnerable is about his parents, and his dogs - because that is HIS pain and i can be the strong one then - when it's OUR pain, he tries to be my rock - sometimes i need him to be soft and squishy and not so rock-like though...
BG- thanks for sharing that. I think DH tries to be strong too. I think sometimes it's also a case of 'men are from mars...' and very different ways of expressing emotions. He also can't understand/sometimes gets frustrated when I start talking about the same emotions over and over again..it's like I need to keep venting, and he's like "yes, but I already know all this stuff"...and i think feels frustrated because he can't 'fix it' for me and just doesn't know what else to say. Fortunately we are able to talk about these differences more now, after our years together and that openess helps. I am also fortunate I have a wonderful mum and a few close girlfriends who can be more emotional with me. And I also have BB to help.
Possums, miscarriages always effect women much more than men. After our third, I got into a huge fight with DH (BG may remember me summoning her from bed at around 1am in absolute hysterics afterwards!) because I had a huge go at him about not caring. I'd just lost another baby, and he was happily continuing on as though life wasn't different... When all was said and done and we were calmer, he explained that in the early stages it's just not "real" to him. Our first was a bit more real as he'd seen a flickering speck on an ultrasound screen, but the next two we lost before we even got to a scan. Even this baby had very little sense of reality to him until I began to show and he could feel movement from the outside.
Perhaps it may be worth letting him know that you realise that he can't fix this for you, but sometimes you just need him to listen and give you a hug and let you cry... Being clear on what you need from him will help you work through this together.
Oh Possums, I am so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious baby . That is heartbreaking news, I was so hoping that those hcg results didn't indicate something wrong. Miscarriage is just an awful experience, and people often can't understand how deep the hurt goes.
My DH also reacted differently to me, and I thought he didn't care sometimes. But in later discussions we've had he told me that his heart was broken by it, and he had become very depressed. I think they just express things differently, and when their wives are devastated, sometimes they tend to go inside themselves and not show much on the outside.
I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to make this better for you. Life can be so unfair. I'm thinking of you hun.
Scooby and BW, thanks, you guys are great, like everyone here, and your advice is spot on...
thanks all of you for holding my hold through this even if it is over the internet!
We just did a little candle ceremony for our angel...I cried a bit more, but it also felt right and a bit more of a release, step in the process...
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