Why am I not happy?

[Lenny]

After trying for so long to have a baby, I would have thought that I would be spending these 9 months in a state of total happiness...so why am I not coping?

It seems that i still have all of the same sadness and frustration and anger that i had when i was TTC for all those years. I still feel the same way when i hear of other's who fell pg easily - and when i see pregnant women in town. It's crazy.

No-one knows i have lost a twin except DH, and he refuses to discuss it - he says it's all for the best. He is right, but it doesn't mean i can stop feeling so sad at the loss. And not ever 'miscarrying' is like it never happened at all. I can't claim to feel anything like those who actually lost a baby - i know my physical and emotional pain is nothing compared to theirs - that's why i hate myself everytime i feel this way.

I am more than half way through this pregnancy, and i have bought nothing at all for the baby. Nothing. No cot, or buggy or anything. Not even any cute clothes. I haven't even bought any maternity clothes - I still struggle everyday to fit my normal clothes (I have some bigger sizes from years ago). I tried on some maternity jeans and nearly cried and had to leave the store.

I know am so lucky to be pg...why can't i see it and feel it myself??

Thanks for reading and please don't judge me for writing this - I know that this isn't right...but i'm not sure what to do to get over it.
Jo

[rufalina]

Jo
I am there with you and those feeling sometimes. Someone asked me their other day if I wanted to borrow their baby books, and I said "huh baby books, do I need baby books"? and had to stop and think for a minute that I was actually going to have a baby, and would have to deal with it. I seem to be living in some form of denial.
My TTC was not as long and hard as yours, but it had it ups and downs.
I cant really offer any suggestions to our issues, but I wanted you to know that you are not totally alone in feeling like this.
xo

[New Dawn]

Well sometime I think after all that time TTC we forget what its like to be normal iykwim its like we are so used to the dissapointment of another AF that when we do get PG we dont know how to be happy you keep say this isnt happening to me. I cant really be having a baby. so we almost block it out just incase we get dissapointed again. But its ok to be happy you will get that long awaited baby soon but you are also aloud to grive for the one you lost. dont be so hard on yourself:hugs:

[sushee]

God hun I don't judge you for a second. Firstly infertility changes you and stays with you. It doesn't go away because you're pg. I will be the first to say that I still find it hard to see pg women, or hear about how someone fell pg easily, or even let go of the fact that it took me so many years and so many cycles to fall pg. What we felt before falling pg doesn't just evaporate into nothingness.

And losing one of your twins is devastating, even if you feel like you're not allowed to grieve because you have to feel grateful for the survival of the other twin. But our minds don't work like that. Not grieving is like pretending your angel never existed, and how do you, as a mother, do that? Don't worry about how hard others have had it, focus on you and your feelings. You deal with your needs and your grief. You will have to in order to get closure and be there for your other baby.

As for not buying stuff for you or your baby, this too is normal for LTTTCers. I got big very fast, so eventually had to move into maternity clothes, but I was constantly fearful of being 'too optimistic', like that was a crime that would make the whole house of cards come tumbling down. I still feel like that now sometimes, even though Charlie is 20 months old. Like I've gotten so used to things being difficult and painful that I expect that that's what I deserve, and cannot allow myself to relax and enjoy it.

I don't know if I'm even hitting the mark with anything I've said, or I'm way off, Jo, but wanted you to know that we LTers always thinkg that the light at the end of the tunnel is falling pg, when in truth it is just another world where everything is distorted and scary. We're too scared to admit it that we're not completely grateful and utterly ecstatic 100% of the time. But the journey on this side of the fence is hard too! And it's okay to say you're having a hard time with it.

Hugest of to you, you beautiful woman.

[Enchanted]

Huge hugs hun.

Don't think for one second that anyone will judge you. I can't say that I have been in the same situation as you but I am sure that after many years of TTC and having all the feelings that you described (anger, frustration and sadness) that they will not go away instantly. With you also losing a twin I am sure that those feelings are hanging around even more due to your loss. Don't hate yourself for feeling sad about your loss. It hurts all the same for everyone and you need to be able to let it all out. It sounds like your DH maybe struggling with it too which is maybe why he is not wanting to discuss it. Do you think that if you were to speak to someone, not necessarily family but someone maybe like a counsellor or a close friend who you trust. I think that getting all of your feelings out in the open will be a big release for you. I'm sure it won't take away the pain but I think it would lift a big weight off your shoulders.

Do you think that maybe you are not wanting to buy maternity clothes or baby things because you are scared of losing your precious bub? I think you really need to talk to someone hun and even your Dr would be a great start to sorting out your feelings and seeing if there is anything they can do to help you get through this.

You will get there hun and in a few short months you will have this amazing bundle in your arms that you have been wanting for so long. Not sure if any of this will help but just know that we are all here for you, you don't have to feel alone

[Lenny]

Thank you all.
You are right sushee, i do really feel very grateful for having one little one survive, very grateful. But i would tell someone else that they were allowed to grieve a little...I guess I need to do that myself - regardless of how DH feels.

Thanks to you I can now see that there are reasons for my behaviour i.e. I have become so used to things being painful and hard, that I'm scared I'll ruin it all if i just relax and be happy.

Writing this down and sharing it with people who care has made me acknowledge that my feelings are real..and they are affecting me everyday.

It is a scary new world...and i don't want to look back and wish I done it differently. I'll take it slowly though. 1stly talking to DH, 2ndly buying some maternity clothes (much needed), and then maybe we'll buy some baby things together.

Thanks to you all for helping me. You really did.

[sushee]

Jo, I'm so happy to hear I made some sense to you. I remember being pg and wondering why no one else was talking about what I was feeling. The way this changes us should be talked about and shared and 'normalised' so we don't feel so badly about ourselves. I think you are incredibly brave to have spoken up about how you're feeling. I know I didn't when I was pg, and maybe I should have in hindsight.

[lismith25]

Oh Jo big big to you, you are so not alone.

I completely agree with everyone here, when trying to get pregnant is so so hard, when it finally happens, I think we look for the trap doors. Im still waiting for the ecstatic gushing feelings to come but Im not sure they will......dh and I are both kind of flat about it.

This is how my brain is understanding this process, its like queying for a ride at dreamworld, you eventually get to the gates thinking you are about to get on this amazing ride and you sit in the car and then you get told you have to wait 8 months, to go down.

All that build up (and ltttc is a build up) just to then sit and wait.....its crazy you have a 12 week hurdle, then a 20week abnormality scan to get through and then still the anxiety of not knowing if it is all going to be alright in the end....I think I may become violent towards the next person who tells me this is the most wonderful time of my life.

Sorry Im not sure this helps (it has turned into more of a cathatric release for me), please just know your not alone and you should give yourself time to grieve for your angel. I grieved after every failed month of conceiving (which dh didnt understand) so I am damn sure, you deserve to give yourself some time.

Big love Lis xx

[dusty]

jo, i just want to send you loads of xx

[fionas]

Hi Jo

My path was not the same as yours but I just want to say that feeling less than ecstatic is in no way a reflection of what mother you will turn out to be. I had a minor freak-out before my little one was born (even though she was planned) and I am sooooo glad that I read somewhere that not everyone falls in love with their baby the moment he or she arrives. I was fascinated with my newborn but didn't feel that overwhelming love that you often read about and I didn't stress about it. She's now four months old and I love her more each day. Which is lots!

I think given what you've been through, what you're feeling is completely understandable AND what you're planning in terms of talking to DH and buying a few maternity clothes is sensible.

Just take things slowly, don't be too hard on yourself and don't worry if by the end of your pregnancy that you haven't got a fully stocked nursery. I wasn't able to do that for my daughter because I had my step-daughter living in her room until 4 days before she was born. Makes no difference - they don't care where they sleep and to be honest, I'm kind of glad that I'll be doing it now. Feels like I'm doing it for her and her personality rather than some unknown baby.

So just do things at your own pace and don't worry if you never get mega-excited. Things will happen in their own time.

[Lenny]

Oh dusty, I'm grateful for your support - it speaks volumes about the kind of person you are - even if you do wanna kick me up the @rse!

Thanks Fiona - that's really nice what you said and very honest, and it makes good sense. I know my little one will have a good mum and dad - we'll just be doing it our own way, in our own time.

[tiggerlinda]

Jo,

Sweet

Don't be so hard on yourself you need time to grieve for the twin. It does not mean you are not grateful for what you have. I am sure you will be a great Mum belive me there is a friend of mine who has not lost a twin and she still gets frustrated at those who fall so easily and take thier kids for granted. I would say it shows more about how much you love cherise and want your little bundle.

Hang in there I am thinking of you

[Lionfish]

Hi Jo
I was in tears for you reading the pain that you have been going thru. It is all normal as the others have said, dont beat yourself up. It is SO hard to be optimistic for LTTTCers, then actually being PG must be surreal and going thru the trauma that you have makes it bittersweet. Take your time, hun. And thanks for sharing with us as I'm sure when me and others TTC get PG we will go thru similar feelings too and now we can be aware of it. HUGS

[satya]

I have suffered m/c (3) and been TTCing since I was 28 (now I'm 41) and do understand where you are coming from. I did however go out and buy a little yellow outfit for the baby after my first scan at 6wks 5 days. It somehow helped. I hadn't got that far before. It somehow made it feel more real. If you can, make yourself go out there and get something, anything, just a little something for the bub, it may make it seem a little more real, like it did for me.

I haven't managed to buy anything else and will not be able to do so until I have the nuchal scan done and see all is OK. I ended up in tears at a market on Sunday as I wanted to buy a bunny rug but I just couldn't do it. My lovely MIL went back and bought it for me. My DF tells me to just buy stuff but I'm finding it incredibly difficult to do.

Losing a twin is the same loss you feel for having a miscarriage so please do not discount your feelings. Make sure you both deal with that loss. Men don't always handle a loss well. My DF & I ended up splitting after our second loss this year as he did not handle it well and didn't discuss it with me. Try and get him to talk about it, because I'm sure he is hurting deep down.

[paradise lost]

Jo,

For more than 3 years you have hoped every cycle for AF to stay away, for this month to be the month. And for more than 3 years AF came, and smashed your hopes and dreams on the rocks until eventually you were too scared to even hope. Now you're PG, but those smashed dreams don't just wash away. Sushee is right, infertility doesn't go away just because you're PG, the repeated disappointment and sadness month after month doesn't just fade away. You would have to have 4 babies without conception problems to balance out the 3.5 years of waiting for this pregnancy! Of COURSE you feel scared and apprehensive! Of COURSE you fear to hope, after having your hopes smashed so many times.

It seems sometimes LTTTC is like holding your breath. Every month you try and try and hold your breath in hope and every month your hopes are smashed and then, with another cycle beginning with the last one ending, with a shuddering gasp you squash your disappointment and fears down and grab another breath to hold. After 3.5 years of that of COURSE it's hard to realise you're PG, you can breathe now.

Added to that for you there is the crushing blow of losing your baby at 8 weeks. I don't have fertility problems but i have had 2 m/cs and nothing takes away hope like loss. You'd have to be super-human to be able to brush that off during the same PREGNANCY as the loss, especially when you're scared even to grieve. But you should grieve. Have a good cry, for all those cycles of pain where you held your breath for nothing, for all the treatments that didn't work, for all the times you were forced to celebrate other women's pregnancies and births when you were still waiting, seemingly endlessly, for your own turn. Cry it out hun, let yourself feel the pain of that. Infertility can be so bloody cruel - THIS is your chance to breathe. Mourn for your little lost twin. A miscarriage is the death of a child early in pregnancy - for many women the scan reveals this, not the physical loss. It was always the loss i saw, to see a baby without a heartbeat or just a womb with only one where there had been two would have been just as, if not more, devastating to me. Your loss is as real and valid as anyone else's and after all you went through to fall pregnant probably even MORE painful.

It sounds like DH might be having similar denial problems with the pregnancy. He's been waiting for 3.5 years too, and not grieving your little one might seem like the less painful option. The two of you are SO used to having to put your hopes away and try again try again try again, it must be terrifying to even hope that this is it, your hopes are coming true. Even harder still to admit they were coming true and have been dashed again by the loss of one of your little twins. And from that almost impossible to enjoy the pregnancy when you already know how cruel life can be so concretely.

So have your sadness Jo, it is YOUR sadness. THen go and look in the mirror, pull your top up. Your baby is coming. Look. Your baby is coming, you can breathe again. Now go buy some clothes that fit!

Love and

Bx

[onthefly]

Hi Lenny - big hugs to you
I think everyone else has pretty much said all there is - just hope you're feeling a bit better. It takes a long time to settle into the pregnancy, and losing a baby is a whole other kettle of fish.
Take care

[Willow]

Jo, I really feel for you hun. I did a post almost identical to yours when I was prg too. I couldn't understand why finding out that people around me were pregnant still hurt so much - I was already prg!!

But now that our beautiful boy is here, I can tell you nothing much changes unfortunately. Well it hasn't for me. It still bothers me when I hear that someone has fallen prg 'accidentally' for example, because no matter that I now have my beautiful boy here with me and my DD too (and I am truly so grateful for that so please don't misunderstand me) I still will never have that experience.

Sushee is right (as usual!) it does change you forever and you'll never see pregnancy or babies or motherhood the same way again.

I've actually found that a lot of issues I'd buried during my prg, particularly in relation to the baby we lost and the circumstances causing my infertility have resurfaced since I've had DS and I've actually been to see a counsellor this week, just to talk it out and maybe deal with it once and for all. I don't know if I ever truly can, the grief is still definitely there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say in a very roundabout way (sorry, sleep deprived, you know...) is that your feelings are pretty normal I think.

I'm glad I stumbled across this thread because it's also made me see that my feelings are normal and I shouldn't be feeling so guilty that I'm not 100% ecstatic 100% of the time now that DS has arrived safely, which is how I keep telling myself I should feel after everything we've been through. So thank you for being brave enough to post.

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

A good friend of mine has been TTC for about the last 18 months, she never had trouble getting pregnant, it was keeping the baby that was the problem. Now she's 31 weeks, and it was only a couple of weeks ago that she started doing anything, ie buying clothes. She refused to let herself get attached to her baby becaus eshe was convinced she was gonna lose it.

We encouraged her and her DH to spend a few minutes talking to bubs before they went to bed and as soon as they woke up every day. She said it was hard at first - she didn't know what to say, but now she talks to him all the time.

Maybe thats something you could try?? I hope it works for you Hugs!