I'm going to be a single mum....

[Chocaholic]

Jess, he is no longer the man you fell in love with so the best thing IMO is to get out and focus on being a mummy to that gorgeous little girl. It will be hard but you have Gudism's offer and there are always alternatives, you just have to look around. The more you stress and get upset, the harder being a mum to Lyla will be.

As for your charming sister, karma is a b!tch.

It will take a while for you to feel OK again but it is his loss. He also loses the most precious thing in his life (both you and Lyla), even if he is too stupid to realise it. One day he will, and it will be the biggest regret for his life.

[Blixie]

Why cant life ever just go smoothly? Grrrr ok so last night i had my mind made up, i'd move out (i had no idea where to but i was going to go) now i dont know...
Geoff (Lyla's Daddy) spends hardly any time with her as it is and i dont want her to miss out on having a dad because i leave...
He told me to stay here so he could help with her and he is never here when i need him and when he is here he's on the computer or has friends over... Last night i tried to get him to see from my point of view, that i feel that i'm doing this all by myself and his excuse was its cos i breastfeed doesn't mean he cant burp her, change her bum, spend time with her when she's awake etc. but he cant cos he's always out or on the computer...
i think he just doesnt really want the responsibility... but i cant do EVERYTHING ALL the time... If you know what i mean... ok rant over

[Blixie]

Gudism thanks for the offer but if i'm a burden to my family and friends i'll just be an even bigger burden on you and your family...
You are obviously a very kind person with a big heart

[fionas]

Hi Jessey - if he's not helping then there doesn't seem much point in staying. BUT if he is willing to help and if you think that might be the best solution in the short-term then you need to ASK for help when you need it.

I took me AGES to do this because I kind of wanted to do everything. And I thought that DP should be psychic or at least see that I was changing a nappy and offer to step in.

Men don't do this. What you need to do is to take DD to him and ask him to burp/change her. Yes, even if he's on the computer or with his friends. If he refuses, well he's obviously not going to be much help.

If you need to sleep, you take the baby to him. Even if he's asleep.

As I said, it took me months and months to feel comfortable doing this but if you want his help you have to be more assertive.

I'm not saying that you SHOULD stay, by the way, just ideas on how you can get him to help more if you do decide to stay in the short-term before you decide what you're going to do in the long-term.

Your sister's a shocker by the way.

[The[cookie]Doctor]

Oh Jessey I'm so sorry hun
Why is it that men think the ONLY way they can help is if they can give the bub a bottle?
If you were closer you'd be more than welcome here.

Why doesn't your sister want to hear from you? That sounds very harsh

Don't be afraid to accept help hun. It is one thing to feel guilty over accepting help or feeling bad because you couldn't do it on your own BUT that is much better than putting yourself in a position where you are worse off. DYKWIM?

The other thing I wonder is if you are staying living with Lyla's father you may find it VERY hard to claim the Centrelink you'd be entitled to as a single parent.

Add me to MSN if you need someone to chat to. I'm not too much older than you after all and I don't have many friends either so I'm happy to chat.



PS. You don't need his help darl. You CAN do it ALL BY YOURSELF. Just believe in yourself. It might be harder to think about, but what you're putting yourself through while you're still there is not healthy for you either.
We're here with you. Be Strong.

[~Raven~]

Why is it that men think the ONLY way they can help is if they can give the bub a bottle?

After you finish her feed, pass her onto him to burp, change, bath and cuddle! No excuses from him are acceptable and tell him that!

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Stay strong for Lyla!

Is there a reason why he can't move out? Does he own the house or is it rented? Seems a bit rough for you and HIS BABY to be out of a roof over your heads. He can go crash on someones couch a whole lot easier than for a mum and newborn!

[Amie]

Ok so I checked BB before bed and I have literally been in bed for over an hour but cannot sleep as I keep thinking about your situation and have been writing posts in my head. So figured I'd just get up and write one properly!

Jessey I know that right now you are hurting beyond anything you have felt before. I can only imagine how sad, hurt and probably scared you are. But please think about this...

Hurt does not make good decisions. Frustration does not make good decisions. And fear most definitely does not make good decisions. Unconditional love makes the strongest decisions. Let the love you have for your precious girl be the deciding factor. What is best for her and you? If your ex really does want to help, then ask him to. Ask him to "help with Lyla's bath/burping/nappy/etc" so that it is clear you are asking him about parent-related things, not relationship-related things. If you need to, set a time-frame in your mind. For example, "I'll give it 3 weeks. I will make lots of opportunities for him to help because he has said he wants to. I will share the parenting responsibilities. If he doesn't hold up his side, then I'm leaving".

You are strong beyond your wildest imagination. Never forget that you yourself conceived, housed, and birthed Lyla. Never forget that all of those things take incredible physical and emotional strength to do. You have it in you to do what's best. You can't control anything your ex says, does or doesn't do. You can only control how you respond and how you allow yourself to be treated.

I'm not pretending that I know how it feels to be in your shoes, I don't have the magic answer and I won't tell you what to do. Only you can make the decision. But think of this.... Imagine that in 20 years time Lyla is in the same position that you are in now. With all of the love you have for her, would you say to her "I know he is confusing you and isn't treating you well. I know he's not helping with the baby. I know he doesn't respect you enough to be honest with you. But just stay anyway." ??

If help is offered - take it! You need to put yourself and Lyla's needs first.

Sorry for the epic post, and I hope this doesn't feel like a lecture. Am sending love and hugs your way xox