Not coping after losing Max

[prama]

sweatheart, i have tears streaming down my face.
my biggest hugs for you... i'm so sorry for your loss.
Little max knew what it was like be held by his loving mummy, and he had those precious moments with you.

your hubby, probably isnt tired of your tears, as jmmum said he's probably wants to make you hurt less but he can't.. and he's hurting too.

Rest in Peace, little Max
xoxoxoxxo

[kitten76]

Hi Batty
I am so sorry for your loss.I lost our precious baby girl Madison at 19+2 weeks and I totally understand the feelings of helplessness,hopelessness and guilt.Madison died in utero after my water broke and basically the DRs waited for her to pass away before I was induced.That was 3 years ago.There is NEVER a day that I dont look at her tiny footprints and imagine what if? I still have her ashes as Im not ready to let her go.Honestly I dont think I ever will be ready.The first year was very hard even though I got pregnant 7 months later .I still mourned for my lost little girl.The birth of our DD2 was very therapeutic and I found some of the faith I had lost . You need to do what ever makes you feel better.If that means crying,screaming,having a memorial then do it and NEVER EVER let anyone tell you that you should be "over it".It may not seem like it now but It will get easier as time goes by and there will always be the beautiful memories of the moments that only you and Max shared when he was with you.And there will be days when you will think what if? those days are when you will need a strong support system around you and people who understand without questioning.Finding out what you need to help you with your grief is a personal journey and I pray that you will find peace soon.

[Lisa]

This is a poem that I printed out and sent to the people that couldn't understand that I couldn't just pick up the pieces and get on with things after losing Noah. I hope in some way it helps you too.

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

__________________________________________________ ___
DS1-14 DD-11 DS2-1
Noah Thomas, born an angel (20w5d) 21 Feb 2006
Little Wing (8w4d) Oct 2007

[batty]

Hi ladies,
Thank you for the quick replies. You are all so wonderful and brave, I really don't know how you've done it. I find myself crying now not only for my baby but all of the little lost babies. Life is so fragile.

I have a pretty good support network but all of my friends and family members have small children or new babies and I'm not ready to be around them yet. As much as I love my 8 month old niece, I haven't seen my brother or his wife since before we lost Max because I don't think I can see their baby. It seems that no matter where I look, there's always another baby or pregnant woman and it hurts so much that I'm not one of them. I went back to work on Thursday which was a good diversion (not that I did much besides shuffle paper) but unfortunately I have to work closely with a lady who is due two weeks before my EDD. And now this morning, my husband is making some noise about visiting his brother and his wife, who is 35wks. I can't get a break.

I think you're right about my husband, he does just want to make me feel better and I know that he is hurting too. We talked a little last night and he said as much. Unfortunately no amount of hugs can fill the void. While my husband has lost his son, I feel I've lost him twice -- I too lost the dream of having a baby as well as losing him from my belly.

I'm wondering if some of the grief I've felt this weekend is due to the baby blues. The pregnancy books have been pretty useless to me as they just don't properly cover this type of outcome. I don't know what I can do to counter it, I certainly don't want sedatives or antidepressants and I'm not willing to go on the pill.

[prama]

batty - could you talk to your gp? maybe they could help suggest some professional support group for you and your husband?

[Macca79]

. Im so sorry for what you are going through. Don't be afraid to take time for yourself particularly when it comes to being around other pregnant women and babies. You alone will know when you are ready to do that, not anyone else. At the moment you are grieving and that takes time, love and patience. And even though Max is not with you, you will always be his mother, nothing can ever change that.

[~StarBright~]

Batty.. Im very sorry for your loss- I am sure that your little Angel Max knows how very much he was and is still loved and missed xoxo

I lost a little boy to kidney abnormalities too - we discovered at our morphology scan that he only had one kidney and it was a build up of cysts and would never function properly- we had tests done and were told the same as you- just bad luck. I was induced a few days later- and My son Darren was born still in his sac- but had passed away between the scan and his delivery- his due date is actually coming up next week- he would have been 4 years old- and i still think about him every day.

It is very understandable that right now you feel lost and incredibly empty and robbed of your precious baby. To loose a baby at any stage is horrible- but half way through a pregnancy really messes with your head your body and your heart. Take as much time as you need to recover emotionally and physically. I was a mess for the remainder of what would have been the rest of the pregnancy- right up till his due date- i just couldnt move forward and kept thinking "I should still be pregnant- i should be feeling this now etc" and then when his due date came and went was when the reality of loosing him really sunk in- he was really gone

The suggestions of how to remember your angel are all helpful- releasing balloons, planting a special plant in your garden to care for- lighting candles having a special place for his ashes and keeping all mementoes are very important, Max is a very special part of your life and always will be- and even though right now remembering him only brings tears to your eyes, one day you will be able to think of him without crying and remember the special happy times of your pregnancy and you will always hold that precious hour of cuddles you shared with him in your heart forever.
Every year on Darren and Zahras birth/death dates and due dates i light candles- and i ask all of my friends and family where ever they are to light one as well as a show of rememberance to my angels- if you are part of a church or group- perhaps that is something you can do for Max- or hold a Ceromony of Goodbye on his EDD.

My coucilor made it very clear to my hubby and I that mums and dads greive very differently- and i am sure that your DH is not sick of your tears- if anything it just makes him all the sadder to see you sad- but thats no reason to hurry your grief- let him know that you need to feel sad and get it all out- and the best thing he can do is hold you while you cry and cry with you when you need him to. Also i found my DH was a little more detatched from our loss of Darren- as being only 18 weeks- i felt his precense in our lives much more than DH did- when i lost our daughter Zahra at 35 weeks(more "bad luck" a placental abrubtion)- DH was much more emotionally attatched as he had actually felt her kicking and moving- which he hadnt felt with Darren. If that makes sense??!!

As for seeing other people and their babies- DO NOT rush yourself to do this- you will know if and when you can handle it- and trust me- the torture of trying to see them when your not ready is not worth it- take care of YOU right now- Let your DH go and see these people if he is ready for it- but tell him to go on his own. I had a horrible experience with my sister when i tried to ignore the fact that seeing her baby broke my heart- and it ended really badly (me crying in the middle of a dinner party and making a quick exit only to be called rude for missing her birthday cake) when i should have just given my apologies and not attended in the first place- still might have been called rude- but at least i didnt have a baby thrust in my face as well- just my personal experience)

BB is fantastic place to have support during the coming months and years for you- with the help of BB i found myself confident enough to try for another baby (after two late lossed and a few early m/c) and i am now the very proud mummy to a marvelous little boy Shane- who is 9 weeks old today. Bad luck does eventually run out!

Take care of yourself and be true to your feelings xoxox

SB