Just a vent...

[bec83]

Hi all,

I just feel at the moment like i need to get what Im feeling out there. Basically Jan 07 i had an unsuccessful pregnancy - it was a blighted ovum. DH is in the army and was overseas when we found out we were pg, he was flown home to be with me for the D&C.
The pregnancy was unexpected but so welcome. We were both so happy and excited, then it was all gone. We started trying again in March 07, and concieved Oct 07. We were very excited again, but also more cautious. We did everything by the book and were fairly confident this time things would be OK. In Dec DH left for another overseas deployment. 3 weeks later, 2 days before Christmas, I started bleeding. I ended up having the D&C that day. We were 10wks pg, with the baby measuring 7wks.
Now DH is due home from his deployment in a fortnight and he is really desperate to try again. I know i want to try again too, but I cant help being apprehensive. Since we lost our second baby 2 of my SILs have had babies, and one of them is pg again. One of my best friends is also pg, and so many ladies at my work are at various stages of pg.
I hate that i cant hear abotu someone being pregnant, in the early stages, without wondering, and alsmost wishing, they would go thru what I did so they'd understand. And i feel so guilty for that, because i know that i wouldnt wish m/c on anyone. I think its more about being less alone. We have 6 nieces and nephews so far and are the only ones in DHs family without kids.
one of my SILs in particular THINKS she's being supportive by telling me not to think about it as having had 2 miscarriages, because really we just had one m/c and one horrible experience. That doesnt help. For us, both pregnancies represented our family. Just because one was a blighted ovum doesnt make it any easier.

So, basically, when DH gets home we've decided to 'not' not try, if that makes sense. If it happens, it happens. We're not going to tell his family because they make it so much harder.

Sorry for the ling winded stuff, i just really had to get it all out, helps sort it out in my head anyway! If anyone has any advice for anything, feel free

Bec

[water_lily80]

Sorry to hear about your losses. *hugs*

I know exactly how you feel! Especially the "kind of wishing it would happen to someone else so they knew what it felt like"....and feeling guilty for feeling that!! It's normal I reckon and you are probably right, it's about being less lonely. M/C can be a very lonely place. It is sooo hard being around other pg women as well.

I have also had 1 blighted ovum at 8 wks, an early m/c at 5 wks and a late m/c at 19 wks.But I have also gone on to have to beautiful boys so please know there is light at the end of the tunnel

Amout the in-laws: we didn't tell ours until 7 mths pg!!! Definately made coping easier for me that way anyway.

Best of luck with your not 'not' trying...hope it all goes smoother for you from now on.

[bec83]

Thanks WaterLilly... That whole light at the end fo the tunnel is so important! As absolutely ridiculous as it is, sometimes you just feel like you're the only person to go thru it, just because nobody else in your family or friends have been thru it.
I know DH is forever optimistic about our next pregnancy, and I just go thru phases really. Some days i really can see us with our baby, other days i cant imagine it happening at all. I can imagine finding out we're pregnant, and can imagine the next D&C - not very hopeful I know!
3rd time's the charm, right?! Hahaha!

[MistyFying]

Bec it's so hard, isn't it. for you.

[~Kim~]

Hey Bec, you let it out girlfriend!
We do sadly understand your frustration. On my 30th birthday in March I discovered we were preg after nearly 2 years of trying. Sadly at 11 weeks I felt like something was wrong and u/s showed that my bub had passed away only a few days before. My DH was away too and so I faced it on my own. The bub was too big to m/c and I didn't want to deliver it at home so opted for D/C instead. A good friend of mine is due 2 weeks bofre I would have been and even though I'm happy for her when i noticed her belly had popped it was all I could do to stand and carry on the conversation rather than walk away and cry. My mum in her non-experience of mc told me I couldn't be sad for ever (this is a normally fantastic mother too). I was so angry at her for being more concerned with everyone else around me and how I was affecting them...it was probably good I'm 600km away.
I'm exactly the same as you. Just can't any longer get past the expected sad bit and it's definitley taken the fun out of TTC. We have told everyone we aren't going to try again, and in my heart that's how I feel, even though I know we will...DH like your's is keen and optimistic.

God sorry that was a ramble, just to say 'I understand'. Sorry. I have no advise except to stick around here. The women here are supportive and understanding. Vent away too.



PS thanks for letting me have my little vent. I've not typed it before.

[bec83]

Hey Kim,
Glad you got ur chance to vent too! Its surprisingly helpful I think! One of my SILs (DH has 3 sisters!) actually suggested i get onto a forum. She's wonderful, and openly admits she has no understanding about what we've been thru, but is so supportive whatever way she can be.

As it gets closer to DH getting home from Iraq I'm getting more excited about the idea of trying again, and trying not to think about the worrying side of it all! Last night, i was babysitting my 3 nephews - 4, 18mths, 2mths. It was actually the first time i've ever had to look after a baby under 1 on my own! It was really good for me I think. It was almost like a 'practice' to see how I went feeding and getting a baby to sleep and all that stuff. It really helped me accept the fact that, yes, i DO want to try again, even if it means more heartache - it would be worth it for the chance at having a baby. I think for a little while I've been too scared to admit to myself I do want to try again. And when DHs older sister asks when we're trying, I am trying not to get so defensive! I just dont like them knowing we're going to be trying, because its so much pressure!

My family have been supportive in their own way - Im in QLD and they're in Tas, and they dont pretend to have any magic cures, which i apperciate. DHs family, who all live very close by, are generally OK, but sometimes a bit insensitive, if not dismissive of how we feel. I think its harder with DH's family, because they all have kids - we have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, aged from 4yo to 2mths! And DHs youngest sister is pg now, and only had her first baby in Jan...

Aaaah...families...!!!

[Footsteps]

bec,
sorry to hear of your losses but i wanted to tell you there is light at the end of the tunnel my sister had 10 m/c and she gave birth to a healthy boy in aug 07 im not saying it was a easy pregnancy for her she was on bedrest for the whole time and was in and out of hospital with bleeding etc. are you seeing a fertility specialist? she found out she had a weak cervix and i think problems with and antibodies attacking the baby. im not sure what to say but i do know it can happen and it does for you.
take care and best wishes rach xxxxx

[Uncle Amy]

Bec,
I'm sorry you are going through this, i understand. I went to my nephews first birthday party directly after leaving hospital from the d&c. Words cant describe.
Also, before getting pregnant i had bumped into an old work aquaintence and we had an impromtu chat about us both wanting to have kids - it was an unusual conversation for us to be having, and later I was told she had fallen pregnant I was so happy because so had I. The next time I saw her, I wasn't pregnant anymore, and she had this tiny little belly and everyone was talking about it - it was so hard to hold back the tears and pretend to be happy - i mean I was, but so regretful at the same time, so sad, angry. I managed to congratulate her genuinely and also managed to leave unnoticed, but not before the tears, I heaved into sobs as I pushed the door to leave, ran to the car.

A year later i was at another worksite, co-incidently working closely alongside her husband. She brought her DS in after work. Even though i could play with him and chat with them, something inside broke. I had told none of my work aquaintences about the pregnancy, and I didn't even tell my housemate who I occasionally worked with - we fought soon after the MC when my dog escaped from the backyard and I diddn't find out until she had got home - I lost my mind then - first the baby, then the dog . . .!!!!

So this year later, and I'm working with the husband and my old housemate, and this thing inside me broke as I held him. I had no idea what it was, but at the end of a long long night, I sat with my old housemate and finally cried, I let the tide rip and I told her about how I'd concieved at the same time as "_", and how I had a MC and how that all tied in with me leaving our house and the dog getting lost, and now I meet her DS coz I'm working with her DH and . . . OH my GAD!!!!

It sounds all really crazy, but it all makes sense in the end. you might not see it now but life has this incredible tendancy to be poetic. I wish you all best, and heart-felt love and to your two angel babies too

[Uncle Amy]

Oops, I just read it back, and I missed the bit about how incredible it felt after my housemate and I had talked. We cried and held eachother and I didn't feel BETTER per se, but I felt differently. The world changed - not for the better - but for the clearer IYKWIM. Time is a great healer, and THATS what had happened, I had healed from the experience - yeah sure I wish I never HAD the experience! It never goes away, but neither does the understanding that life/time gives you. I have 2 angel babies also, I see them as siblings of my DS, they will never leave us. They are incredible gifts for my DS!