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Thread: TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after the first trimester

  1. #55

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    Don't get me wrong, I am completely shattered and upset and all of those other feelings. I really did think that this was going to be my month. I was on the meds and I thought it would work. We all have dreams, and one of mine was to hold my next bubba on Christmas Day. Last Christmas was the worst and I thought I would make this Christmas better but that isn't going to be now I just feel like I don't have any energy left to feel anything. I don't know if that is because I have that numb feeling again - so many emotions that you just don't know what to feel. It is so devastating that my body won't do what it is supposed to do.


  2. #56

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    Lynn: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

    I hope you manage to get some sleep.

    Lv Spring

  3. #57

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    Hey Mel, I was getting worried because I hadn't heard from you in a while.

    Not a stupid question about Clomid. I did ask him if that is what we would do but he said that there are too many side effects with increasing Clomid so we would probably go to FSH injections. I never ever thought I would have to inject myself to fall preg but hey I will do anything right about now.

  4. #58

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    Hi to everyone else,

    Deb - Im sorry it isnt your month this month I hope you are doing ok and know that we are all here for you.

    Bailey - I havent resisted the urge, I have tested every day for the last couple of days (see below). I still have my fingers crossed for you this month. You must be getting so excited about your holiday

    Spring - Wow you sound like you have had a busy day, you must be buggered! Glad you got to see DH even if only for a short time, I can imagine how hard it is to leave without him.

    Nat - Hope you are well.

    tommysmum - Welcome to the thread. Sorry you have to be here, but I hope you can find some support with us.

    OK well as for me, I have been testing and I have gotten all BFNs! Considering I am due for AF on Sunday I think we can now safely say that I am not pregnant AGAIN! What is wrong with me? It is making me so angry and I am so frustrated. Everyone else seems to fall without even trying but I so desperately want to be pregnant and it has been almost 7 months since we lost Nicholas. 7 months of being a childless mother, 7 months of living my life hoping and waiting to be pregnant, every decision I make in life now is based around I will be pregnant "soon".... well "soon" has been and gone a thousand times now and quite frankly it is not fair. We have been trying so hard and I would give up anything I have in life just to get a BFP and I cant get it. What the hell do I have to do? How many other positions can we try? How much longer do we have to wait? To be perfectly honest, I dont know if I can keep doing this I feel like I keep getting nowhere in life and it has been so long and my life just wont move forward, and the stress is too much. People say relax and it will happen... how can I relax when we have been trying for all this time and nothing is happening? I stress that something is wrong! I stress that it is never going to happen! I stress that I will not be having a live baby in 2007 like I had planned! I stress about whether there is something wrong with me! I stress about what if Nicholas was and always will be my only child! I stress about whether we are doing it enough! I stress about whether we are doing it too much! I stress about whether we are doing it in the right position! I stress about whether I have elevated my a*** for long enough after! I stress about stressing cause I know it is probably the reason I am not getting pregnant

    DH is having his sperm test tomorrow and I have my Levovist next Thursday - where do we go if they are all normal? I have an appointment with an infertility specialist on 15 May but I dont think I cant wait that long mentally - I know I sound like a spoilt child but I WANT IT NOW!!!!! I think I have waited long enough!!!!!!

    I so wish that stupid girl who posted a reply to one of my threads all those months ago and told me "I should just think myself lucky I can get pregnant" could read this now cause I would really like to tell her to F*** OFF!!!!

    Anyway sorry but I really needed to vent all of that.

    Mel
    Last edited by Mel1977; March 30th, 2007 at 10:42 PM. Reason: sorry wrote bfp instead of bfn

  5. #59

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    Hey Lynn,

    Yeah I am here and I am ok, wasnt on last night cause we had some dramas with our bird and had to take him to the vet but anyway... long story!

    Daily injections sound awful But you do what you have to do right? I remember when I thought I was going to need daily injections until they got the new antibody levels back which said they werent as high as they originally thought, I was thinking it would be awful but I would have done anything.

    I kind of know what you mean about your body not doing what it should, I know we are in different situations and I know it must be harder for you because you cant make the plans cause of things not working properly, but as stupid as it sounds I sort of feel that way about my own body. Yes, I am ovulating and everything - but where is that getting me?

    Anyway, I really do hope your FS can give you some answers and some hope... where are we without hope? Its what gets us through the days

    Well I am going to go off and feel sorry for myself and you now
    Last edited by Mel1977; March 30th, 2007 at 10:56 PM.

  6. #60

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    Good morning ladies,

    Lynn - I never even thought of talking to Dr Nat, I am sure she was able to give you lots of info. I hope today is a better day for you

    Just wanted to let you sydney gals know that in todays Daily Telegraph there is an article on stillbirth on page 86. Mel, if you like, I can post you a copy, email me your address and I can copy it at work today and send it down.
    Off to get ready for work, so will come in later, have a good day everyone.

  7. #61

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    Hi again, was just about to go when I saw Lynn and Mel's post's.

    Mel - You have every right to be stressed and upset about this. Is there anyway you can get into the FS earlier than that, or try another one? Even if you try going down to their office and have a tantrum in the waiting room till they squeeze you in there somewhere?
    I still have my fingers crossed for you and am hoping with everything that you get that BFP tomorrow.

    Lynn - I just wanted to say that I have that same thing as you with the baby-by-christmas. I am really sad that I won't have a baby by then too. I just always imagined that I would fall first go (bit too optimistic) and that this christmas will so much better than the first and I have been struggling with that the last few days since I really started to realise I won't get that BFP this month. It is hard letting that go. I hope you are feeling a little better today, and hopefully the specialist can give you some proper answers next week. just a thought though, is it possible that the original u/s was right and there was follie's and that the second sonographer is wrong? Were both u/s's at the same place?

  8. #62

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    I just feel so useless when I try to support you guys and encourage you to get that magical BFP because I haven't had that struggle. Sorry if I just can't be what I need to be for you but I am trying my hardest.

    Mel: I agree with Bailey, you shouldn't have to wait until May. Is there any way you can get in earlier? If not, can you get a referral to a different specialist just so that you can get things moving? I can't even imagine how much stress this is causing you. It would be impossible to relax and that isn't really useful advice, this isn't about relaxing, it is about having an earth baby. I hope that DH's test today goes well. How long do you have to wait for the results? What is the Levovist test that you are having? I know you are searching for reasons and I totally understand why you are exploring every option. I just can't tell you how badly I want for you not to have to be going through this.

    Lynn: I don't know what to say about this Christmas. There is nothing I can say to make it better. I remember last Christmas DH and I didn't see a soul, we had toast for lunch and spent the day curled up in bed sobbing. I wouldn't wish that pain on my worst enemy. I can understand why you are looking in the future towards Christmas, it is a major milestone and a day that will never really be the same without our babies. But try not to torment yourself. Just try to look at to each day as an acomplishment in itself. Otherwise if we look to far ahead, this journey just seems to long and too painful. I don't know if what I am trying to say is coming out right. I just mean that you are showing so much courage getting through each day so that in itself is massive. I hope that you have a gourgeous little bub growing in your belly or better still, in your arms by Christmas.

    Bailey: I am so sorry hun that you are not hopeful for a BFP this month. I had a look at your ticker though and if the days in pink are the days you O'd, then is it still to early for a bfp? As I said to Lynn above, I wish I had the words to make it all better but every time I try to say what is in my heart, I feel like my words fail me. I am so sorry that you feel you won't have a bub in your arms this Christmas, but I am not going to give up hope for you until the witch arrives.

    I am just so sad for each of you, you don't deserve to be suffering more pain then you already have. I am sending a huge cloud of to each of you.

    Luv Spring

  9. #63

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    HI everyone,
    Sorry I have been out of action but I am back now!
    LYnn: I am so so very sorry - follicles can look much like cysts - however it is unlikely that such a mistake was made. I am wondering if perhaps what is happening is that your follies are not maturing. This happens with low hormone levels - there sometimes isn't enough lutinising hormone produced and the little loves just shrivel up. It sounds like this to me. One of the treatments is clomid and the injectibles you have spoken of. A hcg trigger shot is given so that the follies release their eggs and then hopefully within a few cycles pregnancy occurs. This is just my take on what I feel may be happening but of course I can't know for sure. Big big hugs my love - it is so disheartening I know. I know what you mean about a baby for Christmas. I have had two Christmas's now without that baby to add to our family. Last Christmas was to be the last but it's not looking like that is going to be the case for me either... I picked up your stone yesterday and I will post it on Monday - I am hoping you will get it for Easter.

    Mel: I am sorry this isn't your month again. That poster was very insensitive and I know how much those words hurt. Mel, have you had your hormone levels checked? It isn't unusual to take some time for fertility to resume after birth. It's great that your DH is having a SA. I just wish I could give you a big hug. I know how disappointing it is to see another month pass. :hugs:

    Bailey: Yay at the internet connection on holidays - we won't miss out on you while you are gone and we can all have a little "cyber holiday" with you! Are you testing soon?

    Spring: You deserve this pregnancy and Lil Spring. Don't you waste any time feeling guilt at being pregnant. We will all get our chance - our journey's are all different. The timing is different for us all and the lessons we have to learn are unique to us all. We will all get there - you are the first cab off the rank - but there are lots more cabs to go. You just enjoy the miracle of your Lil Spring. We so much appreciate your love and support.

    Tommysmum and Klee: Welcome to this thread and I am so sorry for the deaths of your babies. I look forward to getting to know you. May your stay in here be short and sweet!

    Well I got my period yesterday I knew it was coming as I had tested and got bfn. My progesterone on 9dpo was 42 this month on 100mgs of clomid. Not so great. However, the peak is on 7po so, it is likely that the level was higher. I saw my gorgeous obs yesterday and left feeling good. Her take on it is that my fertility is working just fine - but with the lower prog. it is showing that I am probably only producing one follicle. As we all know (big sigh!) as you get older (I am 39 for those who don't know) egg quality is decreased. So, if you only produce 1 egg a cycle you have to wing it that that eggy is gorgeous. It would seem my eggs haven't been so gorgeous of late - possibly why we lost the pregnancy last month.:sad: .

    So, the plan is that we need to stimulate a few follies a cycle to give me the best chance. We are upping the clomid to 150mgs for the next 2 months with follie scans. If my follies are looking ripe we will do a trigger shot so that sex can be perfectly and religiously timed! So, this month I will have a follie scan the day after Easter Monday (cd12) and go from there. I don't have too many side effects on clomid (cranky but nothing much else) so let's hope I go okay.
    I always feel better with a plan so I am feeling good now. She is very positive and optimistic that it's a matter of time. So, I am going with that. Of course nothing is certain but I truly believe I will get there and I am not going to stop that belief. It is a bloody hard road though TTC after so many losses. So many babies that have been said goodbye to - it is really hard to be patient sometimes.
    My friend pregnant with twins and due around the same time as my last Angel was due had a show yesterday - it's very exciting. I will keep you posted. These little boys are very special - they are a reminder that life goes on. It is a hard time though knowing that I would be due too and instead I am trying to get pregnant!
    Anyway I am off now to do some jobs around the place. It's a lovely cool day here - looking like rain. I hope you all have a great Saturday - I will be back over the weekend.

  10. #64

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    Deb - thank you for the info. I hope you are right. Not that it makes any of this any easier but it would be good to know that there wasn't a mistake. Thank you so much for the stone. You should see my bedside table!! I have so many things that I hope will help I am sorry that the stupid witch arrived, I hope she is being kind to you. How good is a plan! I hope I get another plan on Tuesday when I see FS. This plan didn't work so hopefully the next one does.

    Mel - I am so sorry that you are going through this as well. I just wish that our bodies would work This month wasn't our month so lets make April our month - we need to stay positive together. I know it is hard but we have to remember what our dream is and do everything possible to get that dream. I think you should try and see a FS as soon as possible just to rule out that there is nothing wrong.

    Bailey - I have already had that thought - what if yesterday's u/s was wrong and I am about to O! But my levels are so low that that isn't possible. I really don't know what is going on but I am going to find out on Tuesday and demand that my FS does an u/s and explains exactly what he is seeing and what happened with the other two u/s. I saw the Stillbirth article in the paper this morning. A very interesting article. The comments of the family that the interviewed sound like some of the things I have said. The last comment in particular is exactly how I feel - "Even if one family is prevented from going through this, that would be enough for us". That is my aim, to stop other familes going through this painful and heartbreaking journey.

    Spring - you are right, we don't deserve to suffer any more. We are still grieving for our angels and we are now struggling to fall pg and it isn't fair. But you shouldn't feel useless. Just being here and supporting us is being useful. Everyone's journey is different and that is what makes us who we are.

    Hi to everyone else.

  11. #65

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    Hey Girls

    Flowerchid: Sorry that your AF turned up. I hope she is short and kind to you so that you can get started on the next cycle. You sound like you have a wonderful ob, I'm glad that you felt better after seeing her and that you have a plan of attack. I hope your friend who is expecting twins is well, it amazes me that despite all your struggles, you are such a wonderful friend to so many women. Thanks for your kind words about lil' spring. I feel really blessed that I am one of the first cab's off the rank, I just wished I could have shared the cab with you all.

    Lynn: I'm getting very excited about our date, I told DH and he said that he was very jealous (lol). Hope that you are feeling better.

    Well I'll be in later.

    Big love
    Spring

  12. #66

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    Hi girls,

    Mel - I sent a copy of that article for you today. on the BFN. How are you feeling today? Sorry to sound dumb, but what is a Levovist? I hope DH's swimmers are all good too. I cannot believe that someone posted that to you in a thread, what a b!tch.

    Lynn - I am hoping the FS can answer all of your questions and look at some other options for you. I thought that you would have seen that article. Are you going to go to that ball? The lady at Sids and Kinds was telling me that they are doing alot more contributions to stillbirth and neo-natal death these days as well as SIDS as they have managed to successfully reduce the number of babies lost to SIDS, and that there are more lost to stillbirth every year than SIDS. That surprised me, but today's article backed that up.

    Spring - You are so not useless in your support here. You are our rolemodel, we all wanna be just like you - I sound like a stalker hey? No seriously, you are so supportive to everyone here, and I know I for one love, appreciate and value your kind words, advice and support. I think that you are just what we need, we need to see that this CAN be done, that we can get pregnant, that we can get through this long hard journey and bring our babies home in the end. Like Deb said, we will all get there, you are just the first cab off the rank.

    Flowerchild - Sorry to hear you got AF, but at least now you can start another cycle fresh and put your new plan into action. I hope it is the very last AF you see for a long time. I am sure your next carton of eggs will be gorgeous

    Hello to Nat - where you at??

    hi to everyone else too!!

    I am so confused at the moment. I have had weird sharpish pains in my belly today, not quite period pains, but I am not sure. If they are period pains, that would mean I will get them in a couple of days, but I am not due to get them til next monday the 9th!(That would suck, that's my birthday) Arrghhhh! I just with this stupid body of mine would either get UTD or pg! I hate this limbo! Oooh, I just had a vent.

  13. #67

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    Well, it looks like you lot all have lives.......where are you all? Here I am, the lonely newly-wed, all abandoned. First by hubby, then the monster went to sleep, and you girls all have something better to do!! Lol...I might go to bed then. Good Night.

  14. #68

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    Hey Bailey: Sorry to stand you up but I am back now.

    Thought I would swing by before bed but I assume you have already hit the sack.. I just wanted to say I hope you have a great belated hen's day tomorrow. You deserve to be spoilt rotten. Can't wait to hear all about it.

    Luv Spring

  15. #69

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    Bailey - LOL! Don't feel abandoned, we are here. Spring and I just had a massive night out on the town!!! LOL.......not! We are so old sitting there drinking our cups of tea
    Hope you have a great day tomorrow and I hope those pains are BFP pains
    Yes I am going to the ball. I asked friends and family and was quite surprised at the response. I have 2 tables!! Are you going? Let's just hope that they can reduce the Stillbirth numbers like they have for SIDS.
    You have probably already gone to bed. Where I am about to head.

    Spring - thanks for the night out. It was what I needed. Otherwise I would have just sat at home on my own feeling sorry for myself.

    Everyone else must be having busy nights. Hope you are all well.

    Sweet dreams
    luv & hugs
    Lynn
    xxxxxxxxxxx

  16. #70

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    Hey Lynn: I had a great night also. Called DH and he said boy that is a late night for you. I then explained that I spent it talking and drinking tea and he thought that was cute.

    Bailey: I meant to say that those pains could be implantation. I had cramps, lower belly discomfort this time. It also was in my lower back, felt like AF cramps but a bit different. Ooooh I hope that is what it is. When are you going to test?

    Sweet dreams

    Spring

  17. #71

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    Hi Girls,

    Deb - Why is your picture of Kelly? Something has gone wrong there I think LOL. Thats great you have a plan now, its funny how it can bring some comfort just to have an idea of whats going on.

    Spring - Dont ever feel like you are useless to us!!!! Yes you are pregnant and you are extremely lucky for that... but you also know how lucky you are. You are also still going through a journey and you have still lost Harry and are still hurting over that. We would never take lil Spring away from you, we all want to be in your position but that doesnt mean we resent you. You have been there for me from the beginning and I will never forget that Actually I will have to give you a buzz soon, havent spoken in a while. Re getting into FS sooner, I dont think I can. He has people who have been trying to get pregnant for years so if I ring and say I have been TTC for 7 months they are gonna say it is not urgent. Unfortunately I just have to wait! And apparently we will get DHs results early next week. He said he has a feeling his results will be bad but I said he has already produced 4 kids (incl Nicholas) so I doubt it very much and I think I am the problem.

    Bailey - that they are pg pains and not AF pains. Have you done a test yet? Have you heard from the other half of the newlywed couple? I bet he is having a ball. A Levovist is an ultrasound procedure to check for blockages in the fallopian tubes. Apparently they put saline up into the fallopian tubes to check if it spills out, obviously if it doesnt there is a problem. I so hope it is ok, I have no idea how they would unblock blockages there. Have a nice Sunday, from Springs post I assume you are doing a hens day so I hope you have a ball.

    Lynn - You are right April WILL be our month. I had a chat to DH yesterday and said I dont think I can keep doing this, mentally it is killing me. I feel tense all the time and I am constantly getting headaches because of all the pressure. I said that if April doesnt bring us a BFP I am going to consider going back on the pill and not trying for a while. He didnt seem to keen on that idea and said he knows it is hard but we cant give up and that it hasnt been that long. To me it feels like forever though, 7 months without Nicholas and 7 months of TTC with a slap in the face each month AF arrives

    Hi to everyone else, Nat hope you are well.

    I meant to tell you girls that DH and I had a little argument on Friday night about this sperm test he had to have. It doesnt take an einstein to figure out how they get that sample, so DH was going on about how it was embarrasing cause I had told my sister that he was having that test and that now he wouldnt be able to look her in the eye and I said noone thinks he is stupid and its not like its some brothel where you go to pay to "relieve yourself" and that everyone going there is having medical problems and noone is going to laugh at him. Well he basically said I didnt understand how hard it was and I got so upset with him and said OMG after everything I have had to do you think I dont know how hard it is! And he said that it was ok for me because I didnt have to "do it to myself" WTF!!!! So I kind of lost it a bit and said yeah cause I love going into a place like I have had to quite a few times and some stranger looks at my bits and shoves things up me which is really uncomfortable to check that everything is working. I said that if only it was as easy as me going in an doing it to myself I wouldnt mind. He ended up apologising and said he hadnt thought of it that way and I got over it. I do feel sorry for him cause I am sure it was a little embarrassing but I just got upset. Anyway, its all over now and he did it and said it wasnt as embarrassing as he thought cause it was quite discrete but still... MEN

    We went to DHs best mate and his wifes house last night for his Bday. His parents and his sister were there and I was right... noone acknowledged that I was even pregnant let alone had buried (or cremated) our son. His father even went to the point of greeting me with a kiss and a cuddle and said "how are the kids?" (meaning DHs kids). Now why would he ask me that? They are not my kids, they are DHs why not ask him that. I just yeah they are fine. And later in the night he said to me "so where are the kids tonight, with a babysitter?" I said "no they are with their mother" and thought to myself what a fruit loop! I said to DH what does he think they are my kids or something and he said no he knows they are not because he knew his ex wife and that he is probably just making conversation. I said well he could try making conversation by saying I am sorry you lost your son. So anyway they sat around talking about babies and so and so is pregnant and the guys mum was saying to the wife how she was gonna take all this food into the hospital with her. I just deliberately sat there looking uncomfortable and I could tell that the wife knew and tried not to talk about it too much. But they left earlyish and then it was just us, the mate and the wife and they were actually quite open to me talking about Nicholas. She talked about her pregnancy and asked me questions about mine which I answered. She commented on how she cant imagine how hard it was for me to give birth. They seemed quite different to what they usually are and I dont know why. Maybe it was DH saying to his mate on the phone that it upsets me when people dont talk about it. But anyway, we told them we would go to her 30th (with the intention of me not showing up on the night and DH going alone) and they said "oh good, we booked it at Mexicali Mama (a mex restaurant in Geelong) especially for you cause we knew you would go if we did". So, now I feel like I have to go, what a cow would I be to not show up now! Although I know it will be the same uncomfortable night, DH said we will just go to eat and then leave if it is uncomfortable. Does anyone think this is a bad present to buy her? I am going to buy her a really nice trendy baby book, the reason being because I got a baby book for my baby shower a month before I was due to have Nicholas and it said to fill in all of the info about when I first found out I was pregnant and in what order I told people and what the first gift I got was etc etc etc and I remember I struggled to remember alot of the stuff because a fair bit of time had gone by. So I thought I will buy her a little keepsake for herself and a baby book. What do you guys think?

    And to end my post... we are going looking at display homes today, I love looking at display homes it is so much fun. The company that DH works for is designing a new part of our suburb that has opened up with land for sale and his boss said he can get us a discount on a block of land so we have chosen our block and are going to apply for a loan to buy it. Then in about 6-12 months time we will look at taking out a mortgage to get a house built on it, and in that time try to get our debt reduced as much as possible so all we have to pay out is our mortgage repayment. Anyway we want to look at houses to get an idea of what we want because the block of land we buy has to be big enough to fit the house. And lets face it with 3 kids here part time and hopefully a couple of our own the house will need to be a reasonable size.

    I am sorry I know this is an extremely long post today, I just had alot to say and I am bored cause DH is playing footy on PS2 before we go to display village. Anyway hope you all enjoy your Sunday.

    Love Mel

  18. #72

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    IKWUM about Flowerchilds pic (lol) but hello Kelly nevertheless

    Mel: Wow, how emotionally stunted is DH's mate's dad. I guess some people don't know what to say or how to react so rather than actually thinking what is coming our of their mouths, they just go along with the usual chit chat. I am sorry that it was difficult for you but it is good that after they left you actually got to talk openly with the couple about Nicholas.

    About the pressent, I think that is a wonderful and very thoughtful idea, I am sure she will love it. About the sperm test well the only thing I can say to that is MEN I am glad that DH finally realised the true extent of what you have been through but I also know that anything that involves the trouser snake brings out a weird side in men (lol). I am sure he will be fine DIY and I hope more than anything that the results are great so that it can be excluded.

    I am having a lazy day and am about to get myself organised and go to the shops. Have to buy yet another 1st birthday pressent which means facing the horrid kids section. I was going to be a chicken and get a voucher from a book store, but I thought I would try to go to the kids section first, and if it is to hard I can get a voucher.

    Hope you have a ball at the display village, I love going to them to, but until we win the lotto, I don't think I won't torment myself by going to the ones in Sydney.

    Big love.
    Spring

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