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Thread: TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after the First Trimester

  1. #73

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    Thanks Deb - What I am feeling at the moment is nothing compared to what you must be feeling :hugs:



    My OB has already organised some things, I had a prog test (with a few other things) on Mon (which was CD22) and he rang Tues and said everything was "perfect" and I had O'd. I am booked in for a Levovist scan (I guess you will know what that is) in April and DH has to have his swimmers tested this month. He also referred to an infertility specialist but I cant get in until May. As well as I recently had the hystergram and my uterus is "perfect" also. I dont think there is all that much he can do. I guess I do realise it can take a while to get pregnant after giving birth but it has been six months and my cycle has been back to normal for about 4 months or more. I just dont think I can do this much longer, I know other people have been through alot worse stuff than I have but I dont think I am strong enough to keep going

    Anyway I am just being a whinger I think - I should think myself lucky in some ways!

    From Me

  2. #74

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    Hi
    Just thought I should pop back in and say hello to you all. I have only read this last page of conversation so apologies for missing people out.

    Flowerchild - I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know what to say to help. Big

    Spring - sorry you are alone this weekend, but it will be well worth it next week when DH gets to see the bub.

    Lynn - I was so sorry to read your post about how you lost Cooper - it was such a tragic accident. I know that it is no consolation but your results coming back negative is a very good thing and I am sure during your next pregnancy they will be scanning you all the time. I hope AF returns soon for you so that you have your baby.

    Mel - congrats on being a lady-of-leisure. Hope you are enjoying your lie-ins. Hope you get that BFP real soon.

    Hello to dream, Bailey99 and all of you that I have missed.

    Things are plodding along with me at the moment - I have been going over what my doctor said last week and I think he was suggesting I have an incompetent cervix. Or at least he could not think of another reason why I went into labour at 24wks. Anyway he has suggested we do not TTC for 6mths (I think I have already told you all this - sorry) so I have my 4mth prescription of the mini-pill starting today (AF arrived last night). The thing is I have got myself a new job for 12mths so I think it is the break I need and hopefully the start of a new life for DH and myself. So our plan is to TTC again in July '07 with the hope that we are successful by the end of the year.

    Well enough chatter from me - I have stacks of filing to do before I go home.
    Take care everyone, hope you have a relaxing weekend.

  3. #75

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    Mel: I am just so sorry that you keep getting BFN. I sort of feel since I fell pregnant that everyone in the TTC thread might get sick of me, and that I might not be the best person to support you, but I really want you to know that my heart pounds and I get so nervous reading your posts because I just want the best for you and that means a BFP.

    I can't believe that Monday will be 6 months since you gave birth to Nicholas. It feels like that time has rushed by but at the same time that every day feels like a lifetime. Harry will be 5 months on Tuesday and that just astonishes me. Where has the time gone? About feeling like something is wrong, trust that instinct, I have told you about my instinct has warned me of in the past and the best advice I can give you is to follow it. If your body and your heart tells you to, keep searching for answers. You sound like you have a busy weekend planned so I hope it is nice for you. Also, it sounds like you had a wonderful night out with your work. I am glad they made it special for you and that you now have some serious shopping money. Retail therapy works wonders.

    Anway, take care babe, and no matter if you don't hold out much home for a BFP, I haven't given up yet. I have everything possible

    Lynn: big to you babe, I know that the waiting for AF to arrive must be frustrating. I also totally understand the continual fretting about the cord. As you know I had problems with Harry's cord which may or may not have contributed to his death, but I have no one else but me to blame for that. I am the one who grew his cord, why didn't it do what it was supposed to? I think that it would slowly drive me insane if I let those thoughts consume me. That is part of what I am working with the psychiatrist about. Stopping those thoughts and letting logic overcome the emotion. Almost impossible but with time I can see that it would work. I hope that AF arrives soon and you can start afresh with a new cycle.

    Flowerchild: Sorry for being a little bit selfish and getting so upset last night. It just really affected me that you were showing such courage despite the terrible circumstances. If it makes you feel any better I just wanted to let you know that you inspire me.

    Bailey: Hey honey, how are you, I hope you are well.

    Kerry: I know you said you wouldn't be around for a few days but I just wanted to say I hope your little girl is on the mend.

    Clare: I am so excited about your great NT results. I am trying to look forward to mine rather than get nervous as all hell. I will have my awesome friend Lynn with me which I am so grateful for. Only 11 sleeps to go.

    Pop in later
    Luv Spring

  4. #76

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    Hi Tess, I must have just missed your post.

    I don't know much about incompetent cervix but are there any tests that they can do to help you get a clearer picture about it and chances of it happening again. Did you deliver your eldest son pre-term? It might be worth seeing a specialist just so that you can get some answers.

    Whatever you decide to do, stick around, even if you are not going to TTC for a while, we will miss you if you go.

    Luv Spring

  5. #77
    kerry Guest

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    Tess - I know you Edest DS was born preterm and your angelDS was also, Do you think for a future pg they could give you a cervical stitch. With my DD I had one put in at 19w, while mine was due to a hypermobility condition it remained in place until I went into labour at 39w. I will need it done for all subsequent pg and after the loss of my boys my OB wants to do all future pg at 12w.

    Hi everyone else, hope you have lovely weekends.

    Oh my little one is slowly on the mend. The swelling and redness has deminished a lot but we still have tears when she knocks her finger. The Authopod said to expect this for a few weeks yet... but definately on the mend.

  6. #78

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    Sorry Mel, we must have posted at the same time. It seems that you and I are having the same sort of days lately. I think it is because we are both frustrated and want one thing......................to be pg. You know your body and you know what is going on, but I just hope that you are wrong and that your BFP is just around the corner. If not, then at least you have a plan. You and DH are having tests done and hopefully it will either show something that can be fixed or everything is ok and you just need more time. Here I am saying you just need more time and I know what you are probably thinking - you don't have time! Because I feel the same. I know that you want your BFP more than anything and I want this for you to. You deserve it so much and I know that it is just around the corner. I am thinking of you always. Big :hugs:
    I will be thinking of you and Nicholas on Monday. I'm sorry that DH can't be with you, but just know that we are all there for you and if you need a chat, a cry or to scream, I am here to listen. You are so not a whinger. You are just letting out your emotions and there is nothing wrong with that. Look at me go today!!!!!

    Deb - I'm on 50mg of Clomid. FS was actually reluctant to put me back on Clomid next month. He wanted to see how I went just on metformin. I said no. He said that there is a chance of multi-births and I said that I know the risks and the risks were the same when I fell pg with Cooper. I just think that I need to be on both to give me the best chance. I haven't told FS that I am a twin as well - probably a bit of info that he needs! oh well, there are always risks when you take meds but I am prepared to take them if I can fall pg from them.

    Tess - I hope that in July you get your BFP and that the dr can help you with not going into labour early. All the best and if you want to stick around here, you are welcome.

    Spring - isn't it cruel how the cord is supposed to give our babies life yet for us it tragically took it away. i know deep down that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't have done anything wrong, but I just feel like I need to blame someone and there is no-one else to blame but me.

    Jo - I'm glad that your DD is on the mend.

  7. #79

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    Oh Lynn Something I dont think I have ever said in here before but, I really hope AF shows up soon

    As you know, I hear you when you say it is getting harder. I have my days now where I just sit there and think why do I even bother living if my life is destined to be [email protected]@@. Please dont think even for a second that you "should have know", as much as well all feel that it is our job as mums to protect our children in this instance you couldnt have done anything to protect Cooper and I know that is hard to deal with but it is the truth. How could you have known? Even if you did know, what could you have done? Nothing. My first OB (as dodgy as he was) told me just after I lost Nicholas that there is a very short amount of time between the oxygen being cut off and when it is too late. I only know this cause I was saying that I should have known and got to the hospital in time, he said by the time I got there, they prepped the theatre for a caeser and did the op it probably would have been too late anyway. He said even if I was hooked up to a foetal monitor the whole time there would have still been no guarantees. I dont know if that helps at all, but it helped me a little when he said it. This OB didnt know much but I believe he was right about that.

    I am thinking of you today Lynn and I really do hope you are feeling ok :hugs:

    Love Mel

  8. #80

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    Oh Spring stop! YOu were not being selfish at all. I think it is incredibly wonderful that you can be so caring. I know exactly how you feel. I have felt the same way over time in BB. You are special Another thing. Noone feels anything but JOY for you. You deserve this little baby growing inside you and we all want to share in that joy. You are our inspiration. You and Clare and Michelle and Sarah and the other women who come in to share their pregnancies. We need bfp stories to keep us going...

    Kerry good to hear Brigid's finger is on the mend...

    Tess - congratulations on the new job . JUly will be here before we know it I hope that the time flys for you...

    Everyone else

  9. #81

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    Hey everyone, Sorry it took me ages to post that last one cause I got a phone call from work asking for help (I tell ya this better not continue) and in the meantimes everyone had posted and I missed it all.

    Lynn - It does seem we have our bad days together at the moment, maybe one of us goes out in sympathy with the other unknowingly! I really wish I was in Sydney and could catch up with you and Spring, you girls are amazing to me ... If only I could talk DH into moving

    Spring - Please dont feel like you cant support me because you have lil Spring, you have no idea how happy I am for you and while I want a lil Mel for myself I would never take that away from you. I would be devastated if you disappeared from here, you have given me so much support over the last 4 or 5 months since I joined BB, both on the phone and here, and I honestly wish you nothing but the best. I still want to hear all about you and lil Spring and I might give you a call over the weekend, but I will choose a night when I am not so upset cause I dont wanna bring you down.

    Tess - Glad you popped in, Spring might be right - knowledge is power, tests are a good idea.

    Deb -

    Well I have decided I am doing sweet FA today, I cant be bothered and the kids can have fish n chips for dinner and I will pay the rego next week. Cant even be bothered going to Subway.

    I have decided I will sit here and listen to music and cry my little heart out and hope that I get it all out of my system before I have to go pick up the kids tonight. I have listened to the song The Rose which was played at Nicholas' funeral (and also my auntys funeral 20 years ago) and I think it is the most beautiful song I have ever heard, I dont listen to it all the time cause it makes me cry but I have listened to it over and over today and I think it is starting to help me get it all out. Not many people I know have heard the song (they all look at me blankly when I talk about it) so I have written the words, Lynn I dont know if you know the song but I hope it can bring you some warmth like it does me. I know I may sound like a freak sitting here torturing myself with a song played at my sons funeral but it really does help me. Now I think I will play around of my guitar and cheer myself up even more.

    Some say love it is a river
    that drowns the tender reed
    Some say love it is a razor
    that leaves your soul to bleed

    Some say love it is a hunger
    an endless aching need
    I say love it is a flower
    and you its only seed

    It's the heart afraid of breaking
    that never learns to dance
    It's the dream afraid of waking
    that never takes the chance
    It's the one who won't be taken
    who cannot seem to give
    and the soul afraid of dying
    that never learns to live

    When the night has been too lonely
    and the road has been too long
    and you think that love is only
    for the lucky and the strong
    Just remember in the winter
    far beneath the bitter snows
    lies the seed
    that with the sun's love
    in the spring
    becomes the rose

    Love Mel

  10. #82

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    Sorry all, I just realised how absolutely corny and pathetic I sound! I need to get a life and stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself! So I am going to try really hard and I think a smile is called for to start me off

  11. #83

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    Sending you :biggrin: vibes!!!!!!!!!!! It's okay to be down Mel and strumming away sounds like a nice way to spend the afternoon.

  12. #84

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    Mel - I used to play "The Rose" on the guitar when I was learning too (shows my age really )

    I just wanted to let you know that some of the worst times for me after Caitlyn was born was the wait to be pregnant again. It took 10 months (6 of those on clomid) and we fell pregnant last cycle before taking a break and seeking IVF. I felt like my body had failed to be a safe haven for my baby to grow and then to top it off, failed to get pregnant again to give me another chance to be a good mummy. I felt repeatedly like I had failed (Caitlyn, myself, DH, our families) and while I KNOW this isn't true, it didn't make me feel any better during out TTC again journey.

    I guess I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and what you are feeling is completely normal. I spent the weekend (Caitlyn's 2nd EDD anniversary and the day before our progress scan) in tears on and off with her ashes on my lap. I even took her to bed with us that night (bedside table - not IN the bed. Co-sleeping is not safe with ceramic ) You are still in the early grieving process so make the most of every opportunity to allow yourself memories, tears and reflection. It's good for the soul

    A big hug and lots of baby dust for everyone.

  13. #85

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    Hi - just wanted to sort out some confusion (sorry my posts have been quite garbled lately - no wonder everyone is confused). I do not have any children Thomas was our first baby and he was born preterm without any warning. One minute I was fine (eating lunch) and the next I was having 3min contractions.

    I am not sure what tests can be done except monitoring during the next pregnancy - I am hoping they will put in a stitch if I request one so that we do not have to risk losing our second baby.

    Sorry just thought I should get my story straight - thank you all so much for your support. And i am very sorry about my selfish post.
    T.

  14. #86

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    Mel, you are living this life because you will be a great and wonderful mother to an earth baby very soon. You are such a special person who deserves all the happiness in the world and I wish you could have that soon. Thank you for sharing Nicholas' song with us. I don't think you are a freak at all for listening to the song. I listen to the songs that were played at Cooper's funeral all the time. I used to listen to them every day and only stopped a few weeks ago. Now I listen to them when I am feeling down (which seems like all the time at the moment!).
    I envy anyone that can play an instrument. I am hopeless! I couldn't even play the recorder at school!!!!!! I hope that playing the guitar has brought a smile to you face to today
    I wish you were in Sydney too, then when we are having our bad days we could be together and cry. Next best thing is to be here together and on the phone together. It is always good to chat to you. I feel the same way that you do - and I will also try to smile today.

  15. #87

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    Thank you Michelle for sharing your thoughts with us. I'm glad that what I am feeling now is normal because I too feel like my body has failed, not only me but my DH. I say to him aren't you angry that I can't give you a child. And he says what is anger going to do. I know he is right but I think sometimes if he is angry at me, then I know he is hurting too.

  16. #88

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    Hey ladies, just a quickie from me because I just got home and I am starving.

    After a 2 hour wait, my scan was awesome. The ob was delivering a bub and I never complain about waiting when I know a beautiful little child is coming into the world. It is so nice to see that lil Spring is taking shape and was moving around like a champ. It is amazing how much they grow in a week and a half. Dates are still spot on which means a lot to me because with Harry I was out by 10 days and was always falling behind in dates. I know Harry is looking out for me this time, I have my own guardian angel.

    The Ob asked me about my plans for the birth today. A bit taken aback because it seems so soon but I guess I need to get my mind ready. I blurted out that I wanted to have an elective C-section at 36 weeks and by the end of the converstation he had convinced me to go natural and be induced at 38 weeks. I started to freak out but he made a deal with me and said that if I wanted, he would admit me to hospital from 36 weeks (or earlier if I need it) so that I can have continual monitoring. I don't think I will do it, but it seems like a fair compromise to me and at least, I will be at the hospital daily for monitoring and then go home at night. He is just very anti early intervention because what happened with Harry was due to problems with him and that this is a totally different experience. I don't totally believe that yet, and I think I will have some more confidence after my 19 week scan. I do understand that he just wants to do what is best for little spring. He said that a c-section is a very involved operation and he wants me to have a positive birth experience as he thinks it will be part of my healing. Especially because I want 3 children so this is not just about this birth, it is about building confidence forever. Well, I do see what he means but I can't help but freak out and started crying straight away. He said not to worry about it and discuss it with DH and my psychiatrist. He is such a kind OB and I know that he is trying to do what is best but the thought of going into labour again is so frightening.

    Oh well, I'll be back later to do personals.

    Well after I stuff my face.

    Big Love

    Spring

  17. #89

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    Hi all,

    The "unstable" one is back - feeling a little bit better. I feel totally exhausted tonight though, the kids didnt come tonight. DH thought it was best for me and them if they stay with their Mum tonight and he will get them in the morning. Surprisingly she was pretty cool about it. So I am going to have a quiet night and make myself feel better for tomorrow. DH was going to cancel the whole weekend but I said that is unfair. He rang and spoke to them and told them I wasnt well, so the 6 year old got really worried cause he thought that meant I was in hospital and when it was explained I wasnt his next question was "is it anything I can catch" LOL... KIDS!

    Michelle - Thank you so much for responding to me, I feel just the way you said you did. And it is sometimes just comforting to know that I am "normal". When you said about feeling like a failure, it really does echo my own feelings. I feel like a failure when I have to explain to people that my baby died, I feel like a failure everyone my MIL gets teary and says she is having a sad day, I feel like a failure everytime DH's kids say they have a brother but he died, and overall I feel like a failure every time AF shows up. Did they find any reason as to why it was taking so long for you to conceive? I only ask cause everyone keeps saying to me to relax and it will happen but I feel like it is impossible to relax as I just feel tense all the time, especially during the Oing time. I am sorry to hear that you had such a hard day on Caitlyn's 2nd anniversary, I think those days will always come... even when we are old and grey I think it will still hurt. Knowing you have that healthy beautiful bub growing steadily in your tummy does give me some hope, thanks again.

    Spring - I am so happy your scan was good and that lil Spring is kicking and punching away, wont be long and you will be able to feel all that activity and it will be the best feeling in the world As soon as you can pick some pics you will have to try and scan them and email them to me so I can see him/her.

    Lynn - Thanks again for your support, or should I say as usual You and I are feeling such similar emotions at the moment and as you said you can also relate to Michelle's post. I am glad to hear I am not a weirdo sitting down listening to these songs, but as far as the guitar I am not the best guitarist but I know how to play around a little and it does give me some enjoyment, although because I dont play often enough can be tough on little fingertips. I hope you are feeling ok today and that trying to smile has helped you a little :hugs:

    Hope everyone else is well, and Deb I am still thinking of you and hope you are ok.

    Mel

  18. #90

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    Nighty night everyone. I am feeling really crampy again... I am going to bed with a wheat pack...

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