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Thread: My sad news

  1. #19
    paradise lost Guest

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    :hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss.

    When you call to talk to the Obs ask if you can have hand and/or footprints taken if at all possible. That way even if it is too distressing for you to see your baby or if the medical staff do not think you should, you will have a physical memory to keep. I have a friend who had a baby born sleeping at 18 weeks who had been sleeping for some time (several weeks) and while the damage of time and the D&C meant the baby couldn't be held, the staff did manage to get hand and foot prints (they are so teeny and sweet) for the parents. Though they are all a bit smudgy it was a great comfort to the mum that she could SEE her baby had been, had existed, even after her little bump was gone and her bleeding was over.

    This is a heartbreaking time for you and i'm so sorry you're having to endure it.



    Bx


  2. #20

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    i am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you will continue to bear. i hope you find the answers that will work best for you. i wish i could offer words that would help heal you, but i will send my virtual hugs instead. xxoom

  3. #21

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    Thank you all for your kind words. It has helped so much to be able to hear from people who understand our pain and grief.

    Today we had the D&C. All the nurses etc were lovely. I was in a bit of pain afterwards but emotionally felt surprisingly good. They allow DH to come and sit with me whilst I recovered - probably about 2 or so hours. I have been feeling quite calm for most of the day - I felt like the procedure was helping me move on to the next stage of our grief. This afternoon has been harder - DH has started to feel very upset and angry and I also have been upset. I went to the bathroom before and realised how flat my stomach is - and this got my going. I alreayd feel like my body is reverting to pre-baby shape - all in a matter of hours.

    We have asked my mother to come and stay tomorrow (we are in Melb and she in Brisbane). And DH's mother is dropping by today (she lives in country VIC). Up until now we have just wanted to be together but I think the time has come to allow others to help us.

    We have decided to have the baby cremated - and will speak with the pathology lab tomorrow to work out what arrangements need to be made. It might not be possible to find out the sex - but we have pretty much decided it is a boy and that he will be called Nathaniel - that name has a lot of meaning for me and it seems perfect. I also plan to buy and star or angel ornament for our Christmas tree. I think we will also make a donation to charity at Christmas in his name - and make this an annual event.

    The pain is still raw, and I know there are going to be a lot of good and bad days. Thankfully everyone has been lovely so far and we know we have support if we need it.

    Thanks

  4. #22

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    You have chosen a beautiful name for your little angel boy, and something for your tree is a lovely idea. Its so cruel that it takes so much to start feeling like you have a baby and in no time at all that is stolen from you. Its just a shame your pain and anger can't be taken as quickly too. I'm glad your Mum is coming to stay for a while. Your DH sounds like he's being wonderful support but there's nothing like a cuddle from your mum. It will be great for him to have the extra support of both his mum and yours. Take care of yourself, get lots of rest and lean on your loved ones as much as you can.

  5. #23

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    oh honey sending big hugs to you its great you have your family around you at such a sad time my thoughts are with you look after one another as loosing a baby is such a emotional rolocoaster. the name you have choosen is beautiful and that is great what you are doing in memory of him.

    take care

    Munchy xxx

  6. #24

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    Your little boy's name is beautiful and I think the ways in which you are choosing to remember him by is wonderful. It is good to hear you have a supportive DH and family around. Take care

  7. #25

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    Nathanial is a lovely name for your precious baby. be good to yourself. xxoom

  8. #26

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    I think today is going to be a rollercoaster. DHs mum stayed with us last night and it was good to have a distraction. She has lost 4 babies - 2 MCs and 2 SIDS, so she truly understands the grief of a lost baby. DH has just gone to do a grocery shop with her and I realised it is the first time I have been alone since we found out on Monday about Nathaniel. I have been calm this morning but started feeling myself getting quiet and wanting to just be silent. I wanted to be alone. And now since being alone I have started to cry on and off. I so badly want to be feeling like I am coping, but I have to accept that this is going to be a long road to recovery.

    Mum arrives this afternoon, and whilst seeing her will be very emotional it will give me another person to talk to about my feelings. My sister has also been wonderful, she has suffered 2 late MCs and her words of wisdom have been beacons of light for me.

  9. #27

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    Hi Katie

    It's terrible to hear your news. So very very sorry.

    I had a D&C back in August - my baby was 13 weeks. I asked for all remains to be kept - as I wanted to put them under a tree I planted. My OB was happy to do this, however, stressed to me not to look at them - as in his words "it is just tissue".

    They gave me the remains of my baby in a sealed container. I confess I did look, however, there was not much to see at 13 weeks and a D&C, and it was still traumatic to see what I saw, but I don't regret it. Sorry if this is TMI, but I needed to know and see everything. We planted our baby's remains under a flowering crab apple tree - which brings me great comfort, when I look at at, and touch it.

    Sending you strength and love during this awfully painful time. You will conceive again, and your chances are that all will be fine next time. Best of luck Katie.

    Lee xo

  10. #28

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    I am truly sorry for you loss. I am glad that you have supportive family to help you. I think you are going to do a wonderful thing to donate to a charity in his name. This means your little angel will be helping others.

  11. #29
    BevansMum Guest

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    im so sorry that this has happened to you and your family.

    Big hugs and deepest condolences


    lana

  12. #30

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    Katie, I am so sorry that your family has lost so many babies. I'm glad that you have wonderful support around you to help you through this painful time. There are so many emotions that you will go through and they will keep changing. There were times when I just wanted to be alone but then when I was alone I was scared. Yes this is going to be a very long and painful journey and there is no timeline of grieving. You will eventually start to cope with the loss in your own time but in the meantime, be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve for your precious bub. I hope you find some comfort in talking with your mum. Take care

  13. #31

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    katie -
    you sound just like me i have to admit. And hearing your thoughts and feelings at a time where i have been through just what you have, but a week ago is a help to me, in the worst possible way for you also. Olast weekend we were set to have a big social weekend before we lost our baby and my husband took the kids so we would'nt disrupt them too much with our grief. this left me on my own both sat and sun and was a good and a bad thing. Suddenly you are left with your own thoughts and nothing else. It is quite overwhelming and i did just as you have, i cried on and off and the tears catching me when i least expected them to start. And with your belly, i remember looking at mine and thinking there was nothing at all and that it seemed flatter also and i had'nt really began to show yet (as i show really late in my last 2 pregs) But now i have in the last 2 days almost got this weird jelly belly and i'm not sure where that has come from. Lean on your mum, i pushed mine away for a couple of days as having her grief also was too much for me but that has turned around for me now.I'm glad you have support around you - take care and know i am thinking of you! xo jo

  14. #32

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    Hi Jo - I understand what you mean by finding it helpful to read how other people are going through the grief cycle. It gives me comfort to know that I can come here and see that other people understand. Though to be honest, we have received so much love from family and friends - flowers have been sent, cards etc. The only issue for me is that my work is still to get back to me - I am not sure if they are trying to give me space, but still an email or voicemail would have been appreciated.

    I just wanted to ask you all if you can help me with a question. My mother was worried when I told her that I had not seen my Obs at all between my 12 week and 20 week appointment. She has asked the other women in the family and they are all sure that they had Obs appointments between the 12 and 20 week scans. Do you think this is normal to not have had an Obs appointments for 8 weeks? I know that there is nothing that could have been done to prevent the misscarriage - but it might have been picked up a little earlier if I had been to the Obs. Also - he never checked for a heartbeat at the 8 or 12 week appointment. I only heard the heartbeat at the 12 week scan (and the 14 week scan that I had insisted on due to a bleed - but i did not follow this up with an Obs visit and he never recommended one). I am certain he gave me good care - and he is very kind and compassionate - but do you think that next time i will need an Obs who will check my HCG levels (this was also never mentioned - I never knew what it was) and the babys' heartbeat (which was also not done and I was never informed of the BPM).

    I realised these are all questions that won't make a difference - but it has got me thinking and I want an answer that I can give my mother! Thanks
    Last edited by Katiegirl; December 6th, 2007 at 08:36 PM.

  15. #33

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    Katie
    I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Buying a star or angel is a great idea. I have done a few things to remember my angel.
    About your question about the Ob visit between 12 and 20 weeks. I think it is 4 week visits until the last2 months and then its weekly. I am not sure as I had various complications during both pregnancies.
    The question about heart beat. You can't hear the H/B until about 16 weeks or even later with the moniter they use at the clinics, but you can hear and see it early on a U/S. I seen and heard my angels H/B at 9 weeks on an U/S.
    It is great that you have lots of support around you at this time.
    Take care
    chris

  16. #34

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    Thanks Chris. I am making the plans for what to get - like the angel for the tree. I am going to also put together a box of momentos that we can look back on - like the u/s photos and a baby jumpsuit etc. It will be something to look back on if I ever miss him too much.

    So is it unusual to have not seen the obstetrician for 2 whole months between 12 and 20 weeks? If I am going to be able to get through our next pregnancy (whenever we are blessed with another chance) then I will need to have complete trust in the Ob.

    I know that 2nd time around it won't be enough for me to lie on the bed and have him feel my stomach and take my BP and ask if i feel okay - I will need real reassurance and facts.

  17. #35
    paradise lost Guest

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    HI Katiegirl,

    It's good to hear you're still hanging in there, though i'm still sad and kind of angry (why do bad things happen to good people?) that you have to go through all this.

    I'm in the UK so it may be a little different but i saw my Ob once, at 11 weeks and then never again. I saw midwives ever after that and though i did speak to my Ob's registrar at 41+1 (so she could give me lecture on homebirths and book me for an induction which thankfully i didn't need) apart from that i saw no doctors. I gave birth at home with 2 midwives. I saw the heartbeat the same day i saw the Ob (on a scan) but didn't hear it until 20 weeks (in my clinic they won't try to listen until 20wks because one frequently can't pick it up before then with a doppler until then, but if they TRY and can't get one, however far on you are (even if you're 16 weeks and it's probably just that the doppler isn't sensitive enough) they have to send you for an emergency scan, so they just won't try before 20 weeks).

    I did once read that when a baby stops growing in the womb and dies it tends to shrink by a week for every week it's still there. Like this woman had had a scan at 8 weeks which showed a little bean but at a scan at 10 weeks (she was high risk and having fortnightly scans) it was just a 6-week fetal pole again (no hb). The baby had gone to sleep the day or so after the 8 wk scan and had kind of regressed in size etc. if that makes sense. It's obvious your baby didn't go to sleep at 12 weeks since you heard the heartbeat at 14 weeks, though he may have ceased growing then.

    You can talk to your Ob next time about your concerns - they very often treat women who've had a loss like yours more carefully anyway, because even though the chance of this happening again are small, they understand that you're worried.

    In general hun, except in very rare cases when a blood clotting factor is causing losses (which would usually be much earlier than this) if something is going to go wrong they usually cannot tell you until it has anyway. Seeing your Ob sooner you might have found out sooner, but it's unlikely the outcome could have been changed. I know it's awful and having had 2 losses i understand the need for reassurance (i often wished with DD that i had a zip so i could check she was ok!) but looking can't change anything, only keep you informed. This angel, Nathaniel, was so special - there's a poem someone might have handy, about feet too perfect to touch the ground - sometimes they just can't stay as long as we want them to. i'm so sorry.

    Being a mummy to an angel is so hard, harder than all the sleepless nights and dirty nappies and tantrums. My heart goes out to you hun.

    Bx

  18. #36

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    katie -
    i had 4 weekly visits with my o/b and then fortnightly then weekly. with previous pregnancies and the other poster is correct in saying that you can't hear the babys heartbeat with your o/b or doc until a little later in the pregnancy. I heard mine at 12 weeks wach time but it does depend on equipment as my doc has different things that don't work this early compared to my o/b. that is where the ultrasound comes in and i have had one at 7 weeks and they have been able to measure it previously.
    Please focus on you right now and watch looking too deeply into things like your visits as i have had friends whose o/bs have done scattered visits and all have been fine.
    in my post motem results i could'nt find out what happened to our baby so naturally i started to look at what i ate, did at work with my other kids etc. We can't do this to ourselves, the grief is already too much and we enough to deal with.
    if your concerned about your ob and the visits when you are ready to try again ask them why they were not as regular as what you have heard they should be. if you do not feel comfortable with the response find a new o/b. good luck! x

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