HI Katiegirl,

It's good to hear you're still hanging in there, though i'm still sad and kind of angry (why do bad things happen to good people?) that you have to go through all this.

I'm in the UK so it may be a little different but i saw my Ob once, at 11 weeks and then never again. I saw midwives ever after that and though i did speak to my Ob's registrar at 41+1 (so she could give me lecture on homebirths and book me for an induction which thankfully i didn't need) apart from that i saw no doctors. I gave birth at home with 2 midwives. I saw the heartbeat the same day i saw the Ob (on a scan) but didn't hear it until 20 weeks (in my clinic they won't try to listen until 20wks because one frequently can't pick it up before then with a doppler until then, but if they TRY and can't get one, however far on you are (even if you're 16 weeks and it's probably just that the doppler isn't sensitive enough) they have to send you for an emergency scan, so they just won't try before 20 weeks).

I did once read that when a baby stops growing in the womb and dies it tends to shrink by a week for every week it's still there. Like this woman had had a scan at 8 weeks which showed a little bean but at a scan at 10 weeks (she was high risk and having fortnightly scans) it was just a 6-week fetal pole again (no hb). The baby had gone to sleep the day or so after the 8 wk scan and had kind of regressed in size etc. if that makes sense. It's obvious your baby didn't go to sleep at 12 weeks since you heard the heartbeat at 14 weeks, though he may have ceased growing then.

You can talk to your Ob next time about your concerns - they very often treat women who've had a loss like yours more carefully anyway, because even though the chance of this happening again are small, they understand that you're worried.

In general hun, except in very rare cases when a blood clotting factor is causing losses (which would usually be much earlier than this) if something is going to go wrong they usually cannot tell you until it has anyway. Seeing your Ob sooner you might have found out sooner, but it's unlikely the outcome could have been changed. I know it's awful and having had 2 losses i understand the need for reassurance (i often wished with DD that i had a zip so i could check she was ok!) but looking can't change anything, only keep you informed. This angel, Nathaniel, was so special - there's a poem someone might have handy, about feet too perfect to touch the ground - sometimes they just can't stay as long as we want them to. i'm so sorry.

Being a mummy to an angel is so hard, harder than all the sleepless nights and dirty nappies and tantrums. My heart goes out to you hun.

Bx