Wow i am so sorry for your loss, i want to say this is not your fault and dont you ever think it was .i have had 5 little angles and i want them all so much. Men cope different to us and can find it hard to. I hope in time things settle down . If you are sad an want to cry do so, dont bottle it up let it out. I hope you find some support . Sending you a big hug and take care.