Girls I totally understand everything you have said. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this sort of grief, we all do whatever we can to find the most comfort.

For a long time I could not accept that 'things happen for a reason' or 'it wasn't meant to be'. My story is that I had some medical issues going on when I fell prg with our angel. One dr had told me not to fall prg, but another told me it was fine. I chose the medical opinion that suited me because I wanted another baby so badly. The fact that I fell prg at all was a minor miracle considering what was happening. I could not accept that this baby had been given to me only to be taken away.

I remember when I found out I was prg (and by this time we knew the extent of my medical condition) calling my mum in tears, I was so scared for our angel right from the beginning. She said to me "Do you really think God would give you this baby just to take it away again?" and I said "Mum, what if he does?" and that's exactly what happened....

I don't understand what lesson/s I was supposed to learn from it - through this whole ordeal I've learnt that I am strong enough to withstand the worst that life can throw at me, although at times I nearly fell apart completely. Not only did we lose our angel but due to surgeries that followed we were unable to fall prg again and had to go through IVF to have this baby. All I ever wanted was to be a mum. It was the hardest 18 months of my life. But I still can't see the clear message here - maybe not to push for what I want when circumstances aren't right? To learn to let things take their natural course and to have patience? To appreciate and love my DD whole heartedly for the gift that she is? I don't know. It seems like too harsh a lesson to learn.

Sometimes I think that our angel was taken from us to save us from some worse heartbreak further along in my prg - maybe taken until my body was ready to carry another baby?? I just don't know.

Maybe once this baby arrives and all of my fears and anxieties are not so extreme I will be able to see it.

For now I just pray that this baby will be born safely into my arms and maybe that will go a fair way to mending my broken heart.

I will say to you all though - don't give up trying to have another baby. I had days when I thought I would never be blessed again and although it didn't happen the way I'd have liked it too, it did happen and I now have this beautiful baby growing inside me - a little miracle. I have been given another chance.

I will let you know how we go...keep your eye out for our birth announcement!!

**ETA: Flea, I missed your post. Wow, I can't blame you then, I'd feel the same way!! It's funny though, we didn't find out if our angel was a boy or a girl but I have this feeling that I just 'know' she was a girl. Thank you for sharing that with us.