It is to much to ask ? Re: Child Access

[XRMummy]

Well Dp Ex wife has said now that DSS is struggling with the current arrangements (36hr p/fortnight) and also with kinder and this is why she is refusing any extra time with US.... this is the first we have heard of any struggles and the week before we went to court she sent us a letter stating that DSS wasnt making any friends at kinder but he was goin great but now she's saying he is streuggling with things in hsi life and has been for the last 12 months... (see this is the sort of crap we have to contend with SHe tells us nothing) we think she is just tryin to get us to stop asking for more time but our solicitor has adjourned the hearing and has transfered it to the FMC so we can get a family report done and see how DSS is going with things (coz we dont believe a word Ex wife is saying) and due to the Ex not allowing us to have any info from kinder We have arranged a meeting with DSS teacher thro our solivcitor so we will get some answers there too

Anyway just wanted to up date some of you and see wat everyone has has to say on the times we have put forward

[Lulu]

Look lots his happening in the little fellas life - all these new brothers and sisters (!), but it doesn't mean reducing visitation with his dad would help!

I think its great its gone to mediation, she will get less of a say and prove herself to be a bitach....they dont like that very much!

Good Luck with it all xoxoxoxoxox

[paradise lost]

What was visitation like before you and your kids came along?

A lot of how she is behaving is going to be about how they broke up and how it was after, kwim?

A good bit of it might also be about parenting styles and differences.

From my POV, up until recently XP treated caring for DD as a favour for me, rather than time with his kid. Recently a job change has actually made him more excited to have her, even though he actually sees her less. I'm going cautious with it all right now. His style is far more relaxed than mine and to be frank she comes back from him a brat half the time. I know he loves her and cares for her and i'd never stop him seeing her or having overnight visits (he has her overnight once a week, he doesn't want more, i think he's opt out of that some of the time if he could as he finds her hard work) but when it comes to care *I* am her main carer, as far as she's concerned the buck stops with me. Up until now *I* am the one who researches and implements parenting techniques, *I* am the one who takes her to the doctor when she's ill, *I* am the one who arranges her day to day like. He doesn't even go to the supermarket if he has her in his care. From my POV, if he got a new partner and they suddenly wanted her over all the time and wanted more and more time with her, it wouldn't fly. I'd feel like he couldn't be bothered when it was just him, but now he has a partner he wants to play happy families with MY kid. And i'd be concerned that that was a finite situation and ultimately once he'd had his fill/got bored/broke up with her he'd drop DD again. I'm not suggesting this is your situation, it's just how i'd feel. (XP is not like that so i know this would never happen)

How much access does your oldest have with her dad? Would you have been willing for your DD to be off with your ex and his new wife for that much time when she was 3.5? I know it's tough and it feels like she's trying to hurt you two but try to remember that she's a mother, and he's her son, and she's not going to feel all that differently to how you would when it comes to visitation and time away from her child. No matter what happened it cannot have been more than 50% her fault that the marriage broke up - it takes 2, no ifs or buts. People generally don't have affairs outside of their perfect, fulfilling, happy marriage, there will have been other problems leading to that.

So, that's my POV. I ABSOLUTELY think you should continue to try to have as much access as possible, and even (if you can all be pleasant) have "Big" family time, with ALL of you, 4 adults and 4 kids, but maybe just try super hard to understand her. It's only with understanding you can all reach a peaceful place for DSD to grow up.

Bx

[XRMummy]

Hi hoobly
Thanks for your reply... DP and i got together not long after they split (we had been together back in 99 and lost contact when he got with his EX Wife) We got back in contact with each ther thro a friend 8 months before they had split and she assumed we were having a FLING even tho i lived 600km away at the time and hadnt seen him for 4 years.. So she decided she would go and sleep with her cousins husband / DP best mate....... anyway wayyyy off topic..

SO access before i came along was when ever DP wanted which he had him a 3 nights a week and when we got together it was still like that for a couple of months till she wanted DP to pay for her $2000 mobile fone bill and said dat if he didnt pay for it she would make sure he didnt see DSS... so we went to court and asked for basically wat we are asking for now of course she refused all of it and said every 2nd w/e 1pm sat to 1pm sunday was enuff. and dat was it den we went back to court and got wat we have now......

Regarding My DD her Father is not in the picture and has never been in the picture (totaly different topic)
So DP isnt asking for extra time to play big happy familys he was seeing him more before we got together.... He wants to be a active part of his DS life and she just wont let him(but yet if he was wanting to have nuffing to do wif him she would be B*tching that he wasnt in his life GRRRRR)
We wouldnt be asking for more time with DSS if he wasnt asking us every visit if he can have more sleepovers... As we said we would wait till he was at school before asking for more time but when he started to ask for more sleep overs we tried mediation (the mother agreed to pretty much all the times we r asking more now apart from the tuesday night overstay and only wanted one week of the xmas hols but then 2 days later we got a call from the mediaitor saying she didnt want to do any of it ) so now we have to take it back to court...
its soooooooo frustrating...

If he is really struggling could it be coz he wants to see us more and isnt allowed too ??????????

Regarding Dr appointments and things we have requested that we be there for his SPecialist Appointments and so on (he had a iron deficincy and is being assessed for asthma) and she just refuses to tell us anything she wont even tell us who is GP is...... We have been asking for all this info since dec 05 its just so frustrating

Anyway Hoobley thanks for ur input i can see where you are coming from... it just p*sses me off that she thinks she is DSS only parent and is not including DP in THEIR sons life...

Lulu2 thanks for your comments too we admit alot has happened inhis life in the last 12 months specially seen both his mother and i have had babies and Me july 07 and her Oct 07 so he has 2 half siblings 14 weeks apart btu he has handled it pretty well.. He loves both babies always taking about his half sister when he is with us and his aunty tells us he is always taking bout DS when he is at his mums place.....Even his aunty (DP EX wife sister) didnt knwo that he is apparently struggling so that is another reason we think its just a plight to get us to stop asking....

Anyway thanks girls

Sarah

[paradise lost]

It sounds like their relationship was basically falling apart, no trust etc. before the split. Did they have money issues before he left? Wondering why she thought he would pay the mobile bill at all? My ex pays my child support but never my bills etc.

If he is really struggling could it be coz he wants to see us more and isnt allowed too ??????????

Maybe, but it's probably more the general feeling that something he likes to do (i.e. see you guys) is somehow an uncomfortable thing for mama and he doesn't get why. Kids are more affected by the emotions around such things than the things themselves, if that makes sense. Like if everyone was really really happy with him seeing you once a month or once a day it would be the happy he picked up on more than the time. The family court will probably appoint someone to assess him in that regard.

FWIW i really try to avoid DD having "sleepovers" at dada's house. I totally avoid that sort of language re: her time with him. But then much of her time with him is here, with me (his choice). It's not a holiday, sleepover, or any other exciting thing, it's just her other house and the rules etc. are (supposed to be) the same. There is a definite danger of kids seeing the parent they live with less as a hero because it's like a holiday from reality going there - i don't want DD to come down with a big crash when she realises Dada is not going to serve as an escape from reality/life.

Did her new partner coincide with the unwillingness to let you have longer with him? I am wondering if either she felt threatened by you (as a couple with her XH) or felt with her new DP she could cope without XH better? Maybe SHE wants to have her "happy families" family with your DP out of the picture? Also, how was your DP at being a dad when theywere still together? Is she maybe lashing out her pain at having no help at the start (i could still sit and sob and write pages and pages of THAT sort of thing, XP was so useless)?

I am not living with DP just yet, but when i do i won't NEED XP for childcare/a break, because DP will be here too. Obviously i won't stop XP seeing DD, but then we already do things as a group for her, as she loves both her daddies so much, but the NEED will be gone, if that makes sense. Ditto (even more so) when i have another kid - once i already have a baby i'm not getting a break from, not getting a break from the toddler either won't make that much difference, whereas at the moment i'm 100% on my own with it and i get desperate for a break.

I see what you mean if your DD's dad was never around, but can you IMAGINE letting him have the time you're asking for when she was 3? That's how i'd measure it if i were you. Don't ask for what you wouldn't be comfortable with and you'll be right.

Best of luck hun, this is really frustrating for you all. Keep trying at mediation as well as court, it's not been very long (XP and i split just over 2 years ago and are DEFINITELY still working out where we stand with one another), i'm sure her attitude will improve as he grows, and the older he gets the more say he will get in who he sees and when.

Bx

[XRMummy]

She walked away from the marriage not DP he went to work one day and returned to a empty house.. After she told DP that she had 2 affairs they tried couciling DP was invited to one session and the next day she moved out.. We think she had it planned for awhile becoz she let her car run out of rego 6 weeks before she moved out She hid the rego papers in a pile of magazines We found it while cleaning out the house when DP moved in with us and we found papers regarding Child support and single parents pension and a list of things she was taking all shoved at the back of a cupboard.... and she took DP Ute and told him that if he wanted the ute back he had to give her $8000 or she would sell the ute..... (she really is apiece of work) So of course He sold all his shares and gave her the $8000 cash and she refused to give him a reciept for it and still to this day she wont...
The phone bill was just another way for her to be in controll DP never paid the bill coz he didnt see why he should have to pay for a bill where all the calls were to the guys she had the affairs with so DP mother went around to her parents (she was stayin there till she her flat was ready)house and told them that chris would not be paying the bill and Exwife screamed at MIL and said dat her side of the family would never see DSS again if she could get her way...

DP pays his child support and dat has been whole other headache LOL he was earning juswt over $300 a week and they told him he had to pay $200 a week in CS. later found out they had stuffed up somewhere after us ringing them for 6 mths telling them something was wrong but of course they wouldnt give us back the money
Ex wife has asked us to pay for DSS Xrays and we told her give us the reciepts and work out how much u get back from medicare and we would pay it but of course she never gave us the reciepts and we still havent seen the xrays(dont even know wat they were for)

We are gettin a family report done in November so they will assess us with DSS and then DSS with his mother and her partner... and they will speak to DSS.... and my DD about how she feels about DSS....
DSS calls our house home when he is with us and calls his mothers house MUMS house he says His room at mums house and my room at dads house... We try not to go over the top with things dat we do on weekends dat DSS comes to stay.. Most of the time DSS is happy to come home and play with his cars and trucks and ride his bike with DD and the kids in the court he has befriended......

She was refusing extra time before her new partner came on the scene they have only been together Maybe 2 years.. its not very long coz she fell pregnant to him pretty much straight away ..

DP was a ok first time dad.. EXWife used to work weekends so DP would take DSS round to see his parents (she wouldnt take DSS round there) and spend time with him as he worked thro the week and didnt get to see him much ( He was running a business)..... He said he is the same with our DS he did the same things with DSS as he does now with DS and he is pretty good he helps bath and feed and so on....

I hear ya bout being desperate for breaks... I was a single mum for 5 years from the age of 19... and in those 5 years my mum looked after DD for me for 3 days so i could attend a family memeber birthday in Melb Only reason why mum looked after was coz It was to big of a trip on the bus(had no licence) for a 5 months old... So nice to be able to leave the kids home wif DP while i run to the shops for 5 mins peace LOL
AS for the Putting myself in the same situtation..Re DD spending time with her father... I think i would agree to it coz i hated my own mum from stoppign me seeing my dad till i was 11 and i have always said i would never do that to my kids.... If DD was asking to see her father 3 nights a week and her father was requesting it i would say yes.. he does have as much "right" to her as wat i do We made her together she wouldnt be here without him or me for that matter but you get the idea of wat im saying... But i dont know wat i would do if it was really to happen as i have never had to think about it.. But i would not stop DD seeing him like i said i still to this day dont forgive my mum from stopping me seeing my dad
and i dont want any of my kids hating me over a silly lil revenge thing at the father.....

If that makes sense...

Hope it does LOL
God reading back over this it like reading a script for days of our lives LOL
How sad ???

[paradise lost]

It is sad hun but sometimes when people (i.e. the ex) want drama, you just have to ride it out you know? You're doing great, you're staying above board and you're loving DSS - sure it's frustrating as hell, but from here that seems to be annoying you, rather than stopping you, you know?

After November everything will be clearer, the courts aren't so hard on dads nowadays, she can't muck you about forever, and even if she tries to, DSS will quickly realise that as he grows.

You're fightin the good fight. I knew that your own kid visitation would be a good rule of thumb. SOmetimes it is REALLY inconvenient for me to have DD in the house (when we could be off doing other things) so XP can see her, but i always think of the pain i'd be in if i couldn't see her, and that cures me of irritation.

I truly believe it is possible to be broken up but raising the kids lovingly and well, without fighting or nastiness, but it can take a while to get people on board. I was really lucky, XP was hell for about 10 months and then he calmed down a bit.

How old is the ex? She sounds like she's about 14...

Bx