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Thread: It is to much to ask ? Re: Child Access

  1. #1

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    Post Is it to much to ask ? Re: Child Access

    Ok bit of back ground Info
    Dp and i have been together for 3 years in sept.. He has a almost 4 yr old son to his Ex Wife when they seperated he has been nothing but evil as she blames DP for the marriage break up (she had 2 affairs so we think she is in denial) and we have been to court to get court orders to see DSS as she refused to allow DP to see him till she got 70% of everything anyway we went to court but only got a small amount of time with DSS that we asked for so atm we have DSS for 2 hrs every 2nd Thursday 530 to 730
    Every 2nd w/e 10 am sat to 6pm sunday Fathers day 9am to 7pm DP B/day 9 to 7pm
    Xmas and Easter 24 hours DSS B/day 2 hours 5pm to 7pm and that is it

    Everytime we ask Ex Wife for extra time she refuses even if its for an hour to have family photos done... Her excuse is that its her TIME WITH him (if we could get photos done in our time we would but they never seem to be at the shopping centres on our weekends )
    She has also said to a number of people that she wants DP to have nothing to do with DSS and wishes that he would stop asking for more time with him Oh and she said that becoz we got a court order stopping her from leaving the district that she will make it harder for DP to see more of DSS....

    Now that DSS is that lil bit older he has been asking us to have more sleep overs and gets very upset when we have to take him back to his mum as he just gets settled in and then its time to go back So we went to mediaition to seek a parenting plan but Ex Wife refused everythignn she agreed on 2 days after we had finished mediaition coz she didnt feel comfortable and says that DSS is having serperation issues with her and she is worried bout him...( she has been using this excuse for nearly 2 yrs now) but he has never shown this seperation issues when we are around him EG he is very happy to say goodbye to mum and runs to dad's car but gets very very upset when its time for us to return him......
    so we have now been to see our solicitior and have put forward these times
    Every 2nd w/e Friday 330pm to either sunday 7pm or monday 9am
    following thursday 330pm to 9am friday
    following Tuesday 330pm to 9am Wednesday
    Every 2nd Public hol 9am to 7pm
    One week of all mid year hol friday 330 to friday 330pm
    2 weeks during xmas hols with Ex wife to have the middle weekend friday 330 pm to sunday 7pm
    DP birthday 9am to 7pm
    DD and DS birthday 330pm to 830pm
    DSS b/day non school days odd yr 9am to 230pm
    even yr 230pm to 7pm
    School days Odd yr 6pm to 830pm
    even yr 330pm to 6pm
    and xmas and easter to stay the same 24 hours each
    Also Ex wife needs t inform on us on all visits to the doc, spec etc and for us to have 50/50 on the schooling and medicial decisions



    What do other people think? if this was ur Ex partner asking for these times wouldyou think it was to much????
    We know that what we are gettin now is NOT enough We just want DSS to be a big part of our family as my DD and our DS just love DSS to bits and visa versa

    Ex wife has a new man and a new baby

    She also refuses to tell us bout ANYTHING.. DSS started 3 yr old kinder thsi yr and we werent informed till we were talking to Ex wife sister and she told us, so we asked ex wife and she sadi yes he was at kinder but she didnt have to tell us anything bout it as it didnt happen in OUR TIME WITH DSS. she also refuses to tell us his doctor and refuses to tell us about anything to do with medicial things.. we heard he was to see a doc in Adelaide about asthma and so we asked Ex wife bout it and she just said i will let you know if i feel you need to know
    ARGH its so frastrating
    anyway i just wanted to get other peoples opinons on it
    Last edited by XRMummy; June 4th, 2008 at 07:27 PM. Reason: fixed a mistake

  2. #2

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    if my ex approached me with such a timetable i would be ropeable - simply because in our situation (not just being biased) DD is better off with us. She doesnt WANT to sleep at his house.

    So your circumstances are so very, very different to mine.

    How close do you all live to each other, would shared care (ie one week with her, one week with you guys) work regarding school etc?

    I work with a lady who has been doing this with her son for over 10 years and they have managed to make it work wonderfully.

    i just hope you can find a happy medium, nd that the little man is happy with the situation!!

  3. #3

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    We live in a small town and live within 10 mins of each other so we are pretty close... we organially wanted one wek with us and one week with her but everyone we have spoken to has told us they court wouldnt allow it as he is still young maybe try it later on down the track.... The mediaitor we saw back in march said frequent visits was the best for DSS so that is why we have gone the w/e with a over night stay each week.... as for the hols we dont get to take DSS away on holidays as we dont have enough time with him (we live 4 hours from Adelaide and 6 hours from melb ) so it would be nice to be able to go away on a family holiday and be bale to have DSS to join us so it can be a proper family hol IYKWIM?

  4. #4

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    It sounds to me like she is trying to tire you out........

    what a biatch

  5. #5

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    Yeah i can think of alot nicer words for her LOL IYKWIM????
    she can try and tire us out but aint gunna work we are trying to do the right thing by DSS as he is asking us for more sleepovers and so on and she is just trying to make it very very hard
    But we have told our solicitor that we wont stop till we get what we feel DSS needs...
    Our solicitor has told us it could be very costly around 10 grand but we dont care coz it means DSS will get what he needs/wants... We actually got a letter today from our solcitior saying we start court proceedings on the 11th of this month WAAHOOOOO
    we know and so does the solicitor that nothing will be done on that day and taht we will no doubt end up in front of the magistrate and have councilors and so on for both partys
    She doesnt have a good record with the court here she was found guilty of insurence fraud last year and den tried to pull a AVO out on DP over an lil disagreement they had (family fotos) and got caught lying under oath and was fined and it was her father that got her found out as he told the truth on the subject and she lied fair so to say she didnt get the AVO she wanted
    So hopefully court will be on our side but you never know

  6. #6

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    Well Dp Ex wife has said now that DSS is struggling with the current arrangements (36hr p/fortnight) and also with kinder and this is why she is refusing any extra time with US.... this is the first we have heard of any struggles and the week before we went to court she sent us a letter stating that DSS wasnt making any friends at kinder but he was goin great but now she's saying he is streuggling with things in hsi life and has been for the last 12 months... (see this is the sort of crap we have to contend with SHe tells us nothing) we think she is just tryin to get us to stop asking for more time but our solicitor has adjourned the hearing and has transfered it to the FMC so we can get a family report done and see how DSS is going with things (coz we dont believe a word Ex wife is saying) and due to the Ex not allowing us to have any info from kinder We have arranged a meeting with DSS teacher thro our solivcitor so we will get some answers there too

    Anyway just wanted to up date some of you and see wat everyone has has to say on the times we have put forward

  7. #7

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    Look lots his happening in the little fellas life - all these new brothers and sisters (!), but it doesn't mean reducing visitation with his dad would help!

    I think its great its gone to mediation, she will get less of a say and prove herself to be a bitach....they dont like that very much!

    Good Luck with it all xoxoxoxoxox

  8. #8
    paradise lost Guest

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    What was visitation like before you and your kids came along?

    A lot of how she is behaving is going to be about how they broke up and how it was after, kwim?

    A good bit of it might also be about parenting styles and differences.

    From my POV, up until recently XP treated caring for DD as a favour for me, rather than time with his kid. Recently a job change has actually made him more excited to have her, even though he actually sees her less. I'm going cautious with it all right now. His style is far more relaxed than mine and to be frank she comes back from him a brat half the time. I know he loves her and cares for her and i'd never stop him seeing her or having overnight visits (he has her overnight once a week, he doesn't want more, i think he's opt out of that some of the time if he could as he finds her hard work) but when it comes to care *I* am her main carer, as far as she's concerned the buck stops with me. Up until now *I* am the one who researches and implements parenting techniques, *I* am the one who takes her to the doctor when she's ill, *I* am the one who arranges her day to day like. He doesn't even go to the supermarket if he has her in his care. From my POV, if he got a new partner and they suddenly wanted her over all the time and wanted more and more time with her, it wouldn't fly. I'd feel like he couldn't be bothered when it was just him, but now he has a partner he wants to play happy families with MY kid. And i'd be concerned that that was a finite situation and ultimately once he'd had his fill/got bored/broke up with her he'd drop DD again. I'm not suggesting this is your situation, it's just how i'd feel. (XP is not like that so i know this would never happen)

    How much access does your oldest have with her dad? Would you have been willing for your DD to be off with your ex and his new wife for that much time when she was 3.5? I know it's tough and it feels like she's trying to hurt you two but try to remember that she's a mother, and he's her son, and she's not going to feel all that differently to how you would when it comes to visitation and time away from her child. No matter what happened it cannot have been more than 50% her fault that the marriage broke up - it takes 2, no ifs or buts. People generally don't have affairs outside of their perfect, fulfilling, happy marriage, there will have been other problems leading to that.

    So, that's my POV. I ABSOLUTELY think you should continue to try to have as much access as possible, and even (if you can all be pleasant) have "Big" family time, with ALL of you, 4 adults and 4 kids, but maybe just try super hard to understand her. It's only with understanding you can all reach a peaceful place for DSD to grow up.

    Bx

  9. #9

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    Hi hoobly
    Thanks for your reply... DP and i got together not long after they split (we had been together back in 99 and lost contact when he got with his EX Wife) We got back in contact with each ther thro a friend 8 months before they had split and she assumed we were having a FLING even tho i lived 600km away at the time and hadnt seen him for 4 years.. So she decided she would go and sleep with her cousins husband / DP best mate....... anyway wayyyy off topic..

    SO access before i came along was when ever DP wanted which he had him a 3 nights a week and when we got together it was still like that for a couple of months till she wanted DP to pay for her $2000 mobile fone bill and said dat if he didnt pay for it she would make sure he didnt see DSS... so we went to court and asked for basically wat we are asking for now of course she refused all of it and said every 2nd w/e 1pm sat to 1pm sunday was enuff. and dat was it den we went back to court and got wat we have now......

    Regarding My DD her Father is not in the picture and has never been in the picture (totaly different topic)
    So DP isnt asking for extra time to play big happy familys he was seeing him more before we got together.... He wants to be a active part of his DS life and she just wont let him(but yet if he was wanting to have nuffing to do wif him she would be B*tching that he wasnt in his life GRRRRR)
    We wouldnt be asking for more time with DSS if he wasnt asking us every visit if he can have more sleepovers... As we said we would wait till he was at school before asking for more time but when he started to ask for more sleep overs we tried mediation (the mother agreed to pretty much all the times we r asking more now apart from the tuesday night overstay and only wanted one week of the xmas hols but then 2 days later we got a call from the mediaitor saying she didnt want to do any of it ) so now we have to take it back to court...
    its soooooooo frustrating...

    If he is really struggling could it be coz he wants to see us more and isnt allowed too ??????????

    Regarding Dr appointments and things we have requested that we be there for his SPecialist Appointments and so on (he had a iron deficincy and is being assessed for asthma) and she just refuses to tell us anything she wont even tell us who is GP is...... We have been asking for all this info since dec 05 its just so frustrating

    Anyway Hoobley thanks for ur input i can see where you are coming from... it just p*sses me off that she thinks she is DSS only parent and is not including DP in THEIR sons life...

    Lulu2 thanks for your comments too we admit alot has happened inhis life in the last 12 months specially seen both his mother and i have had babies and Me july 07 and her Oct 07 so he has 2 half siblings 14 weeks apart btu he has handled it pretty well.. He loves both babies always taking about his half sister when he is with us and his aunty tells us he is always taking bout DS when he is at his mums place.....Even his aunty (DP EX wife sister) didnt knwo that he is apparently struggling so that is another reason we think its just a plight to get us to stop asking....

    Anyway thanks girls

    Sarah

  10. #10
    paradise lost Guest

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    It sounds like their relationship was basically falling apart, no trust etc. before the split. Did they have money issues before he left? Wondering why she thought he would pay the mobile bill at all? My ex pays my child support but never my bills etc.

    If he is really struggling could it be coz he wants to see us more and isnt allowed too ??????????
    Maybe, but it's probably more the general feeling that something he likes to do (i.e. see you guys) is somehow an uncomfortable thing for mama and he doesn't get why. Kids are more affected by the emotions around such things than the things themselves, if that makes sense. Like if everyone was really really happy with him seeing you once a month or once a day it would be the happy he picked up on more than the time. The family court will probably appoint someone to assess him in that regard.

    FWIW i really try to avoid DD having "sleepovers" at dada's house. I totally avoid that sort of language re: her time with him. But then much of her time with him is here, with me (his choice). It's not a holiday, sleepover, or any other exciting thing, it's just her other house and the rules etc. are (supposed to be) the same. There is a definite danger of kids seeing the parent they live with less as a hero because it's like a holiday from reality going there - i don't want DD to come down with a big crash when she realises Dada is not going to serve as an escape from reality/life.

    Did her new partner coincide with the unwillingness to let you have longer with him? I am wondering if either she felt threatened by you (as a couple with her XH) or felt with her new DP she could cope without XH better? Maybe SHE wants to have her "happy families" family with your DP out of the picture? Also, how was your DP at being a dad when theywere still together? Is she maybe lashing out her pain at having no help at the start (i could still sit and sob and write pages and pages of THAT sort of thing, XP was so useless)?

    I am not living with DP just yet, but when i do i won't NEED XP for childcare/a break, because DP will be here too. Obviously i won't stop XP seeing DD, but then we already do things as a group for her, as she loves both her daddies so much, but the NEED will be gone, if that makes sense. Ditto (even more so) when i have another kid - once i already have a baby i'm not getting a break from, not getting a break from the toddler either won't make that much difference, whereas at the moment i'm 100% on my own with it and i get desperate for a break.

    I see what you mean if your DD's dad was never around, but can you IMAGINE letting him have the time you're asking for when she was 3? That's how i'd measure it if i were you. Don't ask for what you wouldn't be comfortable with and you'll be right.

    Best of luck hun, this is really frustrating for you all. Keep trying at mediation as well as court, it's not been very long (XP and i split just over 2 years ago and are DEFINITELY still working out where we stand with one another), i'm sure her attitude will improve as he grows, and the older he gets the more say he will get in who he sees and when.

    Bx

  11. #11

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    She walked away from the marriage not DP he went to work one day and returned to a empty house.. After she told DP that she had 2 affairs they tried couciling DP was invited to one session and the next day she moved out.. We think she had it planned for awhile becoz she let her car run out of rego 6 weeks before she moved out She hid the rego papers in a pile of magazines We found it while cleaning out the house when DP moved in with us and we found papers regarding Child support and single parents pension and a list of things she was taking all shoved at the back of a cupboard.... and she took DP Ute and told him that if he wanted the ute back he had to give her $8000 or she would sell the ute..... (she really is apiece of work) So of course He sold all his shares and gave her the $8000 cash and she refused to give him a reciept for it and still to this day she wont...
    The phone bill was just another way for her to be in controll DP never paid the bill coz he didnt see why he should have to pay for a bill where all the calls were to the guys she had the affairs with so DP mother went around to her parents (she was stayin there till she her flat was ready)house and told them that chris would not be paying the bill and Exwife screamed at MIL and said dat her side of the family would never see DSS again if she could get her way...

    DP pays his child support and dat has been whole other headache LOL he was earning juswt over $300 a week and they told him he had to pay $200 a week in CS. later found out they had stuffed up somewhere after us ringing them for 6 mths telling them something was wrong but of course they wouldnt give us back the money
    Ex wife has asked us to pay for DSS Xrays and we told her give us the reciepts and work out how much u get back from medicare and we would pay it but of course she never gave us the reciepts and we still havent seen the xrays(dont even know wat they were for)

    We are gettin a family report done in November so they will assess us with DSS and then DSS with his mother and her partner... and they will speak to DSS.... and my DD about how she feels about DSS....
    DSS calls our house home when he is with us and calls his mothers house MUMS house he says His room at mums house and my room at dads house... We try not to go over the top with things dat we do on weekends dat DSS comes to stay.. Most of the time DSS is happy to come home and play with his cars and trucks and ride his bike with DD and the kids in the court he has befriended......

    She was refusing extra time before her new partner came on the scene they have only been together Maybe 2 years.. its not very long coz she fell pregnant to him pretty much straight away ..

    DP was a ok first time dad.. EXWife used to work weekends so DP would take DSS round to see his parents (she wouldnt take DSS round there) and spend time with him as he worked thro the week and didnt get to see him much ( He was running a business)..... He said he is the same with our DS he did the same things with DSS as he does now with DS and he is pretty good he helps bath and feed and so on....

    I hear ya bout being desperate for breaks... I was a single mum for 5 years from the age of 19... and in those 5 years my mum looked after DD for me for 3 days so i could attend a family memeber birthday in Melb Only reason why mum looked after was coz It was to big of a trip on the bus(had no licence) for a 5 months old... So nice to be able to leave the kids home wif DP while i run to the shops for 5 mins peace LOL
    AS for the Putting myself in the same situtation..Re DD spending time with her father... I think i would agree to it coz i hated my own mum from stoppign me seeing my dad till i was 11 and i have always said i would never do that to my kids.... If DD was asking to see her father 3 nights a week and her father was requesting it i would say yes.. he does have as much "right" to her as wat i do We made her together she wouldnt be here without him or me for that matter but you get the idea of wat im saying... But i dont know wat i would do if it was really to happen as i have never had to think about it.. But i would not stop DD seeing him like i said i still to this day dont forgive my mum from stopping me seeing my dad
    and i dont want any of my kids hating me over a silly lil revenge thing at the father.....

    If that makes sense...

    Hope it does LOL
    God reading back over this it like reading a script for days of our lives LOL
    How sad ???

  12. #12
    paradise lost Guest

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    It is sad hun but sometimes when people (i.e. the ex) want drama, you just have to ride it out you know? You're doing great, you're staying above board and you're loving DSS - sure it's frustrating as hell, but from here that seems to be annoying you, rather than stopping you, you know?

    After November everything will be clearer, the courts aren't so hard on dads nowadays, she can't muck you about forever, and even if she tries to, DSS will quickly realise that as he grows.

    You're fightin the good fight. I knew that your own kid visitation would be a good rule of thumb. SOmetimes it is REALLY inconvenient for me to have DD in the house (when we could be off doing other things) so XP can see her, but i always think of the pain i'd be in if i couldn't see her, and that cures me of irritation.

    I truly believe it is possible to be broken up but raising the kids lovingly and well, without fighting or nastiness, but it can take a while to get people on board. I was really lucky, XP was hell for about 10 months and then he calmed down a bit.

    How old is the ex? She sounds like she's about 14...

    Bx

  13. #13

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    Every 2nd w/e Friday 330pm to either sunday 7pm or monday 9am
    following thursday 330pm to 9am friday
    following Tuesday 330pm to 9am Wednesday
    Every 2nd Public hol 9am to 7pm
    One week of all mid year hol friday 330 to friday 330pm
    2 weeks during xmas hols with Ex wife to have the middle weekend friday 330 pm to sunday 7pm
    DP birthday 9am to 7pm
    DD and DS birthday 330pm to 830pm
    DSS b/day non school days odd yr 9am to 230pm
    even yr 230pm to 7pm
    School days Odd yr 6pm to 830pm
    even yr 330pm to 6pm
    and xmas and easter to stay the same 24 hours each


    To me, it seems like a lot of [email protected] around - little bits here and there. I would think that would be more unsettling for your step son - a couple of hours here and there during the week. Personally, I would not agree to anything that planned for more than 12 months in advance and I would not allow half days or after school pick ups, unless I could not be there.

    My children stay with their father five nights a month - every second weekend, and one extra Saturday night. Caitlin goes to after school care two nights a week, as a mother and for continuity I much prefer that, than having to pick her up from her dads place.

    Hoobley - your EX sounds a bit like mine - the love them, but finally realise they are hard work and they think they're doing you a favour caring for them !

  14. #14

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    t is annoying us more then anything. Making us more determend to keep going with it as she wants us to give up if its to hard but how can you when kids are involved.....
    It was good when me and DP got together as we were all civial to each other and so on but then she pulled an AVO out becoz she and DP had a huge argument...(we asked if we could have DSS for an hour on "her" Weekend to have family photos done.She agreed when we picked DSS up for His 2hr contact and wen we took him back to her she said no she didnt want to do it so DP got abit upset becoz she said it was an incovient for her. We said we would pik him up and drop him bak to whereever she was but not it was an incoviece for her) anyway there was yelling on both sides actually it was her and her parents all up against DP and 2 days later DP was served with an AVO
    We fought the AVO and took it to court and we won The magistrate found EXwife Lying under oath and told her that he found her to be Multipitive(sp) person and untrustworthy and that she had smartin her act up ...... so that could be why shes gone the way she has Ihave never thougth of that before hmmmmmm

    anyway it would be nice if we could all get along for DSS sake but we dont see that happening anytime soon

    Barbie up - there isnt any hours here and there Most visits thro the week are over night stays at the moment we have 2 hours every 2nd thursday and every 2nd w/end sat10am till sun 6pm and the thursday night visit is a pain aas he just doesnt get enough time and becomes really upset when we take him back to his mother...
    Exwife Doesnt do any pik up or drop offs its all us as we didnt want to inconvient her having to drive anywhere
    Only half days we are asking for are DSS,DD,DS birthday so 3 days a year as we think its DSS "right" to be able to spend his brother and sisters birthday with them just like he gets to spend all day with his sister (Mothers daughter). and regarding DSS birthday I dont think 2 hours (wat we see him for now) is enough to spend with him...
    We worked with mediators on the hours we have put forward as we didnt want to ask for to much for DSS age group (recomended 3 nights a week) We are asking 5 nights a fortnight As we were goin to ask for 50% but everyone has told us they are not ready for 50% visits till about the age 8.
    And we have also done school pick up and drop off times as we want this to go thro for a few years till he is at the age where he wants more so that way we dont have to go back to court in 2 years time when he starts school and change it all on him again

    Hoobley yeah she does act like a 14 yr old She is only 12mths younger then you and i... you would think that at 26 she would be more mutture(sp)

    Anyway hopefully things will be sorted in november and DSS will get wat he has been asking for...

    Sarah

  15. #15

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    IMHO i wouldnt agree to that either.

    The weekends visits are fine ect and the school holidays yep and the birthdays

    But i think that mid week stuff is alot of farting around and it is a massive inconvience. He is young and its alot of movement for a young child.

    As well as he is at the age where he is going to start playing parents off against each other, which could factor into wanting to see you guys more cause you would more then likely have something planned for time with him, whereas his mother doesnt. You are a novelty to him. Mum is the big bad meanie who does most of the displining etc.

    My eldest daughter already tries to play us off, when i tell her off or she isnt allowed to do something she wants to its automatically I want my daddy.


    BUT i do want to say i think it fabulous that you want to spend this amount of time with him!!! I really hope you can get a good agreement for your DSS

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