The Top 10 things you don't want to hear ...

[David_R]

Have you ever been talking to someone about pregnancy, babies or conceiving and they’ve said just one small thing that has made you want to leap over the table and rip their head off?

Then you'll enjoy reading the new article to BellyBelly called 'The last thing you want to hear.'

Find out why people sometimes say the thing they do and why you're perfectly normal to react the way you do.

So if you're interested, have a look and I'd love to hear what you think!

And while you're at it, why not post what you think will be in the Top 10 Most Challenging Comments to deal with? What is the one comment that just pushes your buttons every time?

Cheers,

David Rawlings
Author of Swimming Upstream: The struggle to conceive

PS: Due to popular demand, we've extended the special BellyBelly discount on Swimming Upstream. So after you've read the article, check out the special 20% discount for subscribers of the BellyBelly forum.
http://www.swimmingupstream.com.au/bellybelly.aspx

[{sarah}]

Just relax & it will happen Stop thinking about it, go on holidays etc, that's what someone I know did.

* FIL to DH - Are you sure you're doing it when she's ripe :eek:
* You should ask X & Y how to do it properly, they already have three kids.
* You're drinking wine, so you're obviously not pregnant then?
* So when are you going to have another one? or Why haven't you had a second yet?
* 2 years isn't that long I know someone that took 6 years to fall pregnant.

[sazzafrazz]

AAArrrrrggggggg! I reckon I have heard just about every line in the world to tick someone off when they are TTC...
My number one P***-me-off question was..."When are you going to let [DH] be a Dad? We all know he wants that." As if I was trying to stop it happening!!It is obviously all my fault that I am a heartless b*** who is stopping his dream coming true. And this coming from someone who had trouble TTC themselves.
Also on my list is "so, how long have you guys been married now?" [when ppl talking about others being pg and obviously meaning are we trying yet, with thoughtful expression on their face. calculating if we should be trying by now.]
Another one.. this from my mum who didnt realise we were trying and having a hard time " you shouldnt leave it too long dear, because you know your grandmother and I went through early menapause so you probably will too." Talk about put panic into me!!
And I cant even enjoy a cuddle with someone elses bub without ppl saying "isn't this making you clucky?? When do you think you will be ready?"
I guess I could avoid some of these comments if it was public knowledge that we are having trouble but I dont want to advertise it! Why oh why cant people think before they open their mouths?

[{sarah}]

And I cant even enjoy a cuddle with someone elses bub without ppl saying "isn't this making you clucky?? When do you think you will be ready?"

Oh yes absolutely!

[AngelPunks]

Or when people find out you are going to be using IVF to fall pregnant and you get "oh so there is something wrong with you then" or they turn to my DH and say "oh is she infertile then", to which he usually tersely replies "no we're doing IVF because I had a vasectomy thinking I'd never meet anybody I wanted to have children with and I don't see my own, but I did so now we have to have children this way." which usually shuts them up.

I've even had the comment about the only reason we're doing IVF is so we can have designer babies.

[Bron81]

One I particularly hate is "your young, so it doesn't matter if it takes a few years"
ummmm ok!

I also get the just relax and it will happen, I usually just ask that person what i should do to "just relax". they never seem to know!

[Violet Star]

Yes taking the holiday- overseas and here in Oz didnt work
Not working decreased the stress levels a whole lot for both of us- yet didnt help either.

Ive had the perfect one this morning, reading an email from a very close friend who I know doesnt always have the right approach on things. Shes loves goss so i emailed her about 2 people I had seen at the shops including an ex who had a baby too! (AHH) anyway she writes back about it and then comments about how one of them swimmers are working perfectly! I know nothing was meant of it, but just getting kicked in the gutz again.

[Hollybolly]

AAAhhh, there are just so many!!!

I love the ' How old are you? Oh god, you're only a baby, you've got plenty of time to worry about this.... just relax........' Uh, yes.
Or, "well, at least you have Luke, so thats something....' - LOVE this one, it makes us feel like we're not grateful to have him

And love this one from someone close - She has an 8 month old baby, and has just spent 2 weeks in a 'special home away from home' where she gets massages, facials, etc all day, and the nurses put baby into a sleeping & feeding pattern and hand baby back after she's 'rejouvenated' herself (going in there she was sufferring from Post natal depression) - She calls last night to say she's 3 months pregnant with baby no 2...... my reaction was OMG!!!, her comment back was "Well, you know, it only takes one time".......... WELL, OBVIOUSLY!!!!!!
LOVE LOVE LOVE that one!!!!!!!

[Caramello]

Hi,

I've put them into catergories: general, and those specific to donor conception

General:

- You need to relax (because infertility is such a relaxing thing)
- Have you tried something relaxing like meditation? (yes I have, but I AM still allowed to have bad days)
- Have you tried herbal remedies and acupunture (yes I have, but I found the practitioner was being fast and loose with the truth, so I stopped)
- You need to cope with seeing other people with children - particularly around Christmas (actually, no I don't, and neither does my DH)
- When a child is in the room "Oh, aren't you clucky" - this was said to my DH on Friday.
- You know that having a child is a big change in your lifestyle (really? don't you think I've noticed sleep deprived friends?)
- you know having children is not all it's cracked up to be (especially from people that have more than one. I generally point out this irony.)
- concentrate on your career (or other things) and it will all just happen (well, not in our case)
- have you thought about giving up work (and what, go completely insane with worry at home?? how am I going to PAY for IVF).
- be grateful for your family, friends and animals (because I'm an ungrateful person if I don't??)


Donor Conception:

- Have you thought about adoption? (why, because it's easier - not!)
- Are you sure your DH is going to cope with having someone else's child? (no, he will be the father to his own child)
- Won't the SD want the child once it is born? (well actually he has assured us that he will never interfere)
- Isn't infertility herititary (from a science teacher!!)
- How will your family cope (isn't that their problem??)
- You have a great marriage, be happy with that (what, because we get on well we have no right to have a child??)
- DH has so many problems, won't you be adding to it? (this really goes down well with my DH)
- it's morally wrong to use DI.

And the best one...
- wouldn't it be better for the child to not know that they were conceived through DI (not from the research I've read, no)

Grr...

[butterfly_warrior]

What I hate hearing are all the stories about people who adopted... and then found themselves pregnant 6 months later. As though adoption is a magic cure for infertility.

Well... I've got friends who adopted, and nearly three years later still aren't pregnant - obviously they are doing something wrong!

And then when people start on about how IVF is playing God, is morally wrong, etc, etc... So is it wrong for us to want our own child? Is it wrong for us to freeze embryos so we (hopefully) don't have to do further stim cycles - which cost a heck of a lot more than a FET?

But I have to agree with everyone else - the "just relax, it will happen" line is the single worst thing for making my blood boil!

As though simply relaxing is going to correct the fact that I have 5 times the amount of insulin running around my body as a normal person. Relaxing is going to do what all the drugs, herbs and acupuncture couldn't do and magically make me ovulate. And relaxing is going to fix the fact that DH has a thumping great varicocele cooking his testicles and somehow manage to make him produce sperm that can actually swim as far as the egg... then correct the fact that I have a 7 day luteal phase if by some miracle I can ovulate... yeah, right!

BW

[expat]

I'm sensitive to you ladies who are trying and not seeing much luck. 4 of our closest friends (2 couples) have been trying for a long time. One pair had a very early miscarriage in December and the other pair as far as we know haven't even gotten as far as a BFP. I love them to bits and I know it sounds stupid, but I actually feel guilty for having a 33 week pregnant tummy sticking out in front of me.

It feels so unnatural to spend an evening with them and not talk about babies and pregnancy and I have to be careful to not fondly rub my tummy for fear of how they might feel.

DF has the same issue with a work collegue who after 8 years of TTC is going into adoption.

Perhaps it's not really helpfu to you ladies who are trying so hard but just so you know, there are a lot of us out there who don't take our good fortune for granted and really do try to be quietly supportive.


Sending you ample sprinklings of baby-dust.........

[Smoke Jaguar]

As there are equally ignorant and annoying things people say when you ARE pregnant ("what cravings have you had?" "a craving to be rid of your company"), or even when the child arrives ("is he good?" "No, he's awful, where's the receipt?"), I am rolling my eyes with you, and clenching my fists on your behalves!
However, I would like to know what you would like to hear, that does not involve denying the existence of my own child and pretending he's not there. I'm not really the type of person to patronise someone, especially to the extent of just pretending there isn't an issue, so what is a tactful acknowledgment of your situations, without saying something dumb?
Also, next time someone asks something dumb of Oscar and I feel myself bristling...I'll take a chill pill and think of you guys who put up with far more ignorance!

[butterfly_warrior]

You simply need to acknowledge that it is hard for us. Offer sympathy when it seems to be needed and understand that there are some times when going out where there are going to be pregnant women and babies is sometimes just too much for us. Don't take it personally when that happens.

And most importantly - NEVER try the line "I understand how you feel because it took us 6 months to conceive". Yes, it is difficult any time you are TTC and a cycle is unsuccessful, but there's no way in the world 3 months, 6 months, etc can correspond to a year or more, and add the knowledge that there are issues, which make natural conception utterly impossible for some of us. There's no understanding what it is like unless you have lived through it yourself. I know friends who say things like that are very well-meaning... but there's just no comparison. I look back to the first few months when we were TTC, and it was disappointing to see a cycle fail (and hear of other successes) at the time, but it's nothing like the complete heart-rending agony that I experience now.

BW

[Keen]

Well, you ladies sure have summed up SO many of the things that are said that just cut you to the core - yes I acknowledge that they are often meant with good intentions, but that doesnt make them any easier to hearm unfortunately...

Just last night I had a friend say "I just know it will happen for you guys - it just wont happen until you stop trying so hard".....ok, so the medical intervention that I need is the problem?? Yes, its ignorance and their not understanding, but how many times do you have to tell someone before they actually listen to you...??

I also hear the ones about being so young, blah blah - do they not consider the flip side of that being that you have a lot more years of pain and misery of you arent successful if you started trying younger (not intended to reduce the effect on those starting later of course - just putting a flip side to this comment that people might not consider)..

I also hate the "well, at least you know you can get pregnant" because I have miscarried... Yep, that makes it so much easier when I think about the babies I have lost over the years... thanks.

The adoption suggestion is also harsh. Like well then you can just adopt - because its such an easy decision to make ....

[Caramello]

Hi everyone,

I forgot another one I was asked very early when DH was not coping with his diagnosis and didn't want to have children:

- so will you be leaving him/ getting a divorce? That really hurt, as it was as if I had to make a choice between the man I love and wanting to have a child.

The other one is also about age ie I am 37. I get it two ways - I am older and should be thinking that it's not going to happen OR there are women older than me that have fallen. Not terribly helpful either way...

Expat - I don't think it's fair though that you are sitting in a room and can't even rub your tummy if you wish to or talk about your own experiences of pregnancy. BW is right, all we need is some understanding and empathy at times. But we can still feel joy when close friends of ours are pregnant - maybe you need to have a girls night and talk about how you are feeling, particularly the guilt - I'm sure not one of them would want you to feel that way.

IK I LOVE your sense of humour and I'm going to steal that 'craving' line and 'reciept' line should I ever fall!! Brilliant! As for your question I think BW covered it. I like people being straight with me, but not hurtful.

[Shannon22]

HI Ladies

Argh my blood is just boiling reading these... So i will give my own... my SIL due in 10 weeks everytime i see her and say "hey your looking great" guaranteed her response is ..."Well i feel horrible.. Maybe youa nd DH should think a bit more before you have kids i wouldn't wish this on anyone... " Oh and my MIL telling me her psychic says ill have children... whoopdee dooo da for her psychic!

Cheers

[Caramello]

Hi again

I go away and another one pops in my brain....

How about this one:

- "If you just lose some weight you'll be fine" - to the point that I actually had someone monitoring what I was eating for lunch - thank goodness I moved staffrooms

Yes I do know that being in the optimum weight range increases your chances of falling pregnant, but I don't need a committee telling me what I should and shouldn't eat, particularly as some have some rather questionable diets themselves...

If I think of any more I'll let you know...

[Keen]

Oh just thought of this one I had someone a few months ago tell me I should not be drinking Coca Cola if I want to conceive (i rarely drink it anyway, but I dont drink alcohol at all or anything else bad for that matter) ... and this is from someone who is LT TTC, so it comes from all sorts! And that person smokes! LOL! I just about fell off my chair when they said it... I could have come back with some remark, but why? I just feel sorry that she is so uneducated.