Hey Sarah,

I really think that the feelings you are experiencing are totally normal considering your loss. It's natural to be excited, as well as apprehensive about TTC again, for a variety of reasons. I think that you have explained yourself very well in that you feel the need to be a Mum to Katelyn and like you haven't spent enough time with her. It can be really frightening to 'let go' of what has happened to you, even though it's a very important step as TTC again will be a very emotionally and physically draining experience. I guess 'letting go' to some extent means 'moving on' and it sounds like you feel like you're in a bit of a bind as you don't really feel quite 'ready' to move on yet, even though you really want to TTC again this month. You have done some wonderful things to remember Katelyn by, and I think that by always reminding yourself that you are a Mum to a beautiful daughter is very important for both you emotionally, and your future family. I guess the feelings that you are having are kind of similar to those that I had, and the feeling I had that I needed to ask 'permission' from our angels to move on IYKWIM. It made me feel better about TTC again, although it still frightened the pants off me and I felt the need to always remind myself of our little angels and how they should have been here with me. I'm not sure I'm really helping or explaining myself very well here.....but I guess I'm trying to say that it is understandable to be swaying between different emotions and it can be very frightening to feel that you're moving on and wanting to TTC again whilst you feel like you should be staying on the day of Katelyn's birth. Do you think that you feel the need to stay in that place stems from a feeling of guilt? It can be so very easy to point the finger at yourself....in fact I think it's something that we all do and no matter how much time passes, I think you always do to a certain extent. Quite often people feel the need to live in past times because they feel an element of guilt about something, or even regret. I don't know of course if this is the case with you, but if you do find yourself feeling guilty and therefore needing to kind of 'punish' yourself by remaining emotionally on the day of her birth, that's perhaps something that you need to think about a bit more, or talk about a bit more. I'm not a counsellor or anything like that, but having experienced these feelings and having discussed them with many others, guilt does seem to be a fairly common thing, and quite often one of the hardest emotions to deal with. Forgive me if I'm being presumptuous at all as I don't mean to be.... just trying to help you get to the bottom of things and work out a possible reason for you to look at that might help you work through your feelings in a way that will be more positive for you.