Christmas - how do you deal with it?

[Miss.B]

Nae, that's just the thing. I don't feel Joshua and I can't recall any subtle signs that he's around, maybe I'm missing them ?? Sometimes I have these clear dreams that my grandma gives me a huge hug and asks me how I am and that's her way of coming through in my dreams. That's why I thought Josh would do as well.

On another note.....Wanted to ask you hun, do you think you will really consider a stich next time you're pregnant ? I read your post somewhere else and I got to know your story a bit more. I think you said the doc didn't think it was IC it was the contractions that started the whole process. The thought also occured to me, but my OB said that my cervix was tight shut at my 20 w scan. My mum spoke to her doc and she mentioned the IC but I don't know why my doc won't even consider it as sometimes things progress from nothing to something in a short space of time....???

Lisa, I'm sorry for your loss and that's how I feel too about xmas too. Our boys were both from October, and at almost the same gestation ( 20 d 6 d ). I wonder if next xmas will feel differently....mum again tried to tell me today I should move on and shouldn't dwell in the past. I hardly think I can forget about Josh, I just don't get her.

I also bought Josh a hand painted xmas ball to hang on the tree, and I'll buy him a xmas gift too. i think that's such a lovely idea. I also have a sleeping baby in angel wings with 'Baby's first Christmas' I'll hang this up too.

Love and hugs to you both

[NaeNae]

Gosh Lisa I didn't even think about future Christmas'

I really like your angel bauble for the tree I have thought about finding a Christmas fairy (not an angel) as I have fairies in her garden bu haven't come across the "one" yet.
If you don't mind me asking - what do you do with Noah's angels? do you have a shelf where they are displayed?
I have thought about getting Niki a gift but when I have suggested it to others they thought it was a dumb idea/.waste of money seeing she will never see or use it.

Beata - yeah thats right. I had contractions 4 days before I went into hospital so I s'pose its like spontaneous labour once the process started there was no stopping it. As for a stitch, at this stage I am prepared to wait and see how things go - I may ask for one once I am pregnant again but the thing is once its in it weakens the cervix so if there is no problem with the cervix to begin why put it in YKWIM?? I will be monitored weekly and have ultrasounds with a specialist in these types of areas so ultimately unless I feel otherwise I will go with their recommendations - unless I feel otherwise

There are risks associated with the stitch so its got to be worth the risk.

NN x

[Miss.B]

Thanks Nae. I will also look into it and discuss with my OB at my next appointment, even though I'm not pregnant yet, I want to look into everything before I try again. I know that he'll monitor me a lot closer next time around, as a male midwife told me at the hospital I had Joshua at, that in his opinion I had a high risk pregnancy to start with because of my big fibroid.
I kept thinking afterwards that if I had a stiched up cervix maybe I would not have had the late miscarriage. But maybe now my OB will look at the whole thing differently...if I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again.

Love & Hugs

Beata xxxxx

[Lisa]

Naenae,

I have a shelf in our cabinet in which I have all of Noah's things. I put everything in there, his ashes are also in there. I can see it every single day and I love it. I also have an angel candle holder which I light candles in for Noah on special dates & occasions.
This is a link to some pics of what we've got for him - Noah's Stuff

Beata - Noah was born in Feb 2006 at 20w5d (but by my dates, and the dating scan he was 22w1d)... I had a miscarriage last October... that might be where you got the dates confused. I need to fix my signature up because it doesn't show up too well that the emoticon I have for Noah is actually an angel.
I think the baby with angels wings & the hand painted ball sound so beautiful. I am sorry that your Mum doesn't understand your need to grieve... some people find it really hard to grasp the enormity behind a loss... especially one where they figure that we "didn't really know them" or something equally as upsetting. I haven't spoken to my BIL for 3 years because we lost Noah in Feb, and in April he was telling DH & I to get over Noah... apparently people in his family were tired of us using him as an excuse (we were grieving and didn't want to go to a wedding before we'd collected Noah's ashes... we were too upset)
I thought of all people this BIL would understand a little better seeing that he had 2 children of his own... It hurt like hell. My DH will never forgive his brother for the things he said and because of that, their relationship as brothers will never be the same again.

Maybe you should let you Mum know how you're feeling and that you'll never get over losing your son, and that you'd like her to at least acknowlege where you are in your grief.

[Lisa]

Naenae,

I have a shelf in our cabinet in which I have all of Noah's things. I put everything in there, his ashes are also in there. I can see it every single day and I love it. I also have an angel candle holder which I light candles in for Noah on special dates & occasions.
This is a link to some pics of what we've got for him - Noah's Stuff

Beata - Noah was born in Feb 2006 at 20w5d (but by my dates, and the dating scan he was 22w1d)... I also had a miscarriage last October... that might be where you got the dates confused. I need to fix my signature up because it doesn't show up too well that the emoticon I have for Noah is actually an angel.
I think the baby with angels wings & the hand painted ball sound so beautiful. I am sorry that your Mum doesn't understand your need to grieve... some people find it really hard to grasp the enormity behind a loss... especially one where they figure that we "didn't really know them" or something equally as upsetting. I haven't spoken to my BIL for 3 years because we lost Noah in Feb, and in April he was telling DH & I to get over Noah... apparently people in his family were tired of us using him as an excuse (we were grieving and didn't want to go to a wedding before we'd collected Noah's ashes... we were too upset)
I thought of all people this BIL would understand a little better seeing that he had 2 children of his own... It hurt like hell. My DH will never forgive his brother for the things he said and because of that, their relationship as brothers will never be the same again.

Maybe you should let you Mum know how you're feeling and that you'll never get over losing your son, and that you'd like her to at least acknowlege where you are in your grief.

[Janie]

Nae, I'm sorry if I'm intruding in your thread............but I just wanted to say that if you want to buy Nikita a present, then do so. Don't worry about what others think, she's your daughter, you do what feels right to you.

[Miss.B]

Hi Lisa,

I'm so sorry I got my dates wrong in my post . I'm sorry that you and your DH fell out with your BIL, when it's your family it really hurts. My mum means well most of the time, but she really surprised me this time. I've always been honest about my loss to my mum, but she just thinks I should get over it and move on. I had a conversation with her today and she said that losing a baby half way through a pregnancy and losing an older baby is different. I beg to differ. She was basically telling me that my loss shouldn't be that big, because he wasn't even full term. I told her, how would you know mum, have YOU ever lost a baby ? It makes me so mad sometimes.
I've already told her I'll never get over my loss, and why should I, and now she thinks I'm heading for depression

Anyway, lets hope she begins to understand soon, as my patience is running out with her.

Love and hugs

Beata xxxx

[Lisa]

Oh gee Beata... It's only been 2 months for you hun... I doubt you're heading for depression but you are most definitely still grieving.

2 months after losing Noah I would still cry every other day at least. Something would happen, or I would remember something or smell the perfume I wore when I was pregnant and I would cry. 3 months after losing Noah I found out that I was pregnant with Harrison... I still had many, many sad days. Everyone grieves differently and for different times.
I printed out a poem I found and sent it to many people who were worried about me after I lost Noah... this is the poem;

Please Be Gentle
By Jill B. Englar

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

[Miss.B]

Hi Lisa,

Thanks so much for the poem, it's one of the nicest ones I've seen so far. The words are so beautiful and true.

Just wanted to tell you that I had a look at Noah's little treasures on the link you've sent, and I just love what you've got for him. I just love his 'It's a Boy' baloon, I didn't think to get one for Joshua, I think I was just so in shock. Later I started getting little things like angels and candles etc, and recently I bought a silver birth certificate holder for him so when it arrives, I'll put it in there. I didn't have a 'live take home baby' but I want to have many little momentos of his birth as he is still my little son, just an angel in heaven.

Take care hun, thanks again for the poem.

Love & Hugs

Beata.

[mummy of many]

Hi Nae, Beata & Lisa,
Thankyou all for sharing your heart warming stories.
My DH & I built a memorial garden after we lost our Son Brendan & put lots of Roses in it,a lovely garden seat to sit on made of sandstone,Japanese sandstone lantern,which you can put a large candle in it,looks beatiful.Has a Gazebo for when it rains,with white pebbles through out,and at the very entrance we put a white arch with climbing flowers,with two white iceburg Roses to represent "Purity",all the family uses Brendan`s Garden for time out and we sit & have tea or coffee when the weather is nice,but i sit there & talk to my son,the neighbours sometimes here me in there,but they know what happened & always ask how are all the family. Some people do care,but it`s a shame when your family keeps telling you to move on,and to look after your other children. We do look after the others but,Brendan was just so dam special,as he was born with a genectic disorder called Wiskott- Aldrich- Syndrome,and Doctor`s kept telling us he wouldn`t see his 2nd Birthday.We know he was lucky to make it to eight,but he suffered so much pain,he had over 75 operations in his short life,so how can we just foreget,ay!!!! Sorry to rant,I think Chrissy is just starting to hit a nerve now.

Hope you lovely ladies are all ok. love to you all. It`s a shame we all didn`t live closer to each other,we could have had a special catch up,lol. or a cry, ykwim! Take Care.

oh,one more thing.I got a lovely photo put onto a large ceramic plate which is on a stand on the mantle piece in our lounge room for everyone to see,whether they like it or not. Also I?m ordering a large size Canvass of Brendan to hang up ,well i wonder what my family will think of that one!! Cheers to all. Susan.xxx.

[Miss.B]

Hi Nae and Lisa, hope you guys are going OK.

Hey Susan, good on you hun!! I am so proud of you for doing what you want to do and not worrying about what others think. Who cares about how they feel ???!!!! Brendan was your beautiful and very precious son, and you should vever feel embarrassed or ashamed in doing something like putting up a big picture of him on YOUR wall !!!! It makes me so angry that others make us feel like this. We just shouldn't even feel like this to begin with, we've already been through enough.

Look, Christmas will be hard for us all, but you just celebrate it in your own way and I know your precious boy will be celebrating with you also.

Take care hun, wish we all lived closer too !

All my love and big hugs

Beata xxxxx

[NaeNae]

Lisa,

wow that poem is really beautiful, would you mind if I post it on my facebook page of course I will leave your name on it, its your work afterall but I think it really hits home everything I wish I could say to a lot of people.

Let me know if it is ok or not I am happy either way

Susan :hugs: isn't it funny how a bunch of strangers can understand how special Brendan is and yet your family cannot. It's sad really. Our garden for Niki has about 250 plants in it talk about over compensating, but the roses we have there are two Heaven Scent as you walk into her garden, then there is one Mothers Love, one Paradise and the one that is behind her plaque is Peace. Your garden sounds like a wonderful peaceful place for reflection .

Beata - You will find there will be a lot of well meaning people tell you that its time to "move on and get over it" I always say to them that I will never get over it but I plan to move around it and I always ask them " think about it, if you lost one of your kids (or in the people who don't have kids their partner or dog/cat basically anything they treasure more than life) how would you feel if someone told you to move on?"

I do try to do it diplomatically and try a little humour but I usually get my point across.

x x

[Miss.B]

Hi Nae,

I had another one of those conversations with mum yesterday and of coure she told me again to move forward and not to look back ( oh how easy it is for her to say ) so you'd be proud of me when I told her she doesn't get me and asked her if she's ever lost a baby so then she would understand what I'm going through, and then she basically backed down. I've just resigned myself to the fact that no matter how hard she tries to understand my loss, she never will.

It's just frasturating as we are so similar in personalities and character, and she doesn't understand. I know she means well and doesn't want me to fall into some deep dark hole, but I can't believe she denies me my grieving.

I think I'm just going to have to accept that she doesn't understand my grief, and leave it at that. It is a shame though...I have other friends who have not lost any children or had any miscarriages, and they understand me. Go figure ! And they're not my blood relatives !!!!!

Anyway, sorry for blabbing on too much. How are you coping with xmas getting nearer ?

Hi Susan & Lisa

Beata xxxx

[NaeNae]

Beata - Yes and No, I just try to deal with one day at a time and accept some will be more trying than others.

Sometimes its just easier to just nod then to get "into it" with some people and just leave it. I think its sad that she doesn't acknowledge her grandson but that could very well be a coping mechanism for her. Unfortunately she will never understand - she cannot possibly therefore maybe your the one who just needs to accept she will never change nor can she understand IYKWIM My MIL lost a baby at 23 weeks and bascially back then they were told to get over it and move on and the babies were just thrown away. She has said to be a couple of times to just "move on" and one day I asked her how she did and despite what she said verbally her eyes told me she never really has.

Some people just don't get it either and its a waste of your time and energy trying to get them too so mostly I just let it go

[mummy of many]

Ladies,How are we all today,just having some time out before going out later.

Lisa, I had some time to sit and read the Poem properly today,it`s just beautiful,has lot`s of meaning.

Nae Nae & beata,
I have lots of Angel books,and it says if you speak softly to your loved ones they will come to you in your dreams when you are most peacful and at ease with the world.A little hard sometimes considering I feel down fairly often,but I did have a special dream,when Brendan came to me about a year later and it was a beautiful garden with a water fall,and he was dresses in a long white "night gown"so it apeared to me,but he was so happy and healthy,and had a beautiful glow about him. He told me Mummy please stop crying I?m with you everyday.Then i saw a well known Phychic lady,and i didn`t mention what had happen to me with the dream but she told me about it.You could have knocked me over with a feather. I thought i would share this with you all,some people look at me funny when i tell them i see my Son in my dreams,but i know I?m not NUTS,LOL. Have a great afternoon girls.

Hope you ladies are doing ok. Love & Peace to you all. Susan.xxx.

[Lisa]

Susan - Your garden for Brendan sounds so beautiful When DH & I buy our own home we're planning to put a garden in for Noah. We have all the plans for it, we've just gotta buy a house first! We have a potted gardenia for him, and the day that we got our "Noah/Angel" tattoos done was the first day it bloomed. I dreamed about Noah a lot when I was pregnant with Harrison... I still have a lot of times that I dream about him... I am always hugging him in my dreams and he is always smiling at me.

Naenae - Of course you can use the poem hun... it's not mine, but I found it to be very helpful for me... it has a way of just saying the things I was unable to or just couldn't say myself. Feel free to pass it on... I passed it on to a friend on facebook who found it really useful & helpful also.

Beata - I am sorry your Mum doesn't understand. I'm sure she will get there in time. My Mum miscarried twins when I was younger... and although it was an early pregnancy, she still had an idea of what I was going through. It was difficult for a lot of my extended family to understand as I am the first to suffer a later loss... they didn't understand how I was feeling... and I don't think anyone could. It really is different for each of us isn't it. I am thankful that my family are understanding... I talk about Noah all the time... and most of the time I am asked questions about him. I knew my son... no one else did... I find it such an honour when people ask about him.
Thank you for your lovely comments on my photos... I have a few more to add on there (his new bauble, mine & DH's tattoos), but my camera is playing up a bit. I can add the tattoo ones, but the bauble one might take some time as their still on the camera.

[Miss.B]

Hi girls,

Nae, thanks hun, I think I am gonna have to let go trying to make her understand. It takes too much out of me and that's the last thing I need right now. I know what you mean about xmas, one day is OK and the next not so OK. When I feel like this, I have little talks with Joshua and it makes me feel better

Susan, I just got the biggest goose bumps when I read your message. I think your dream of Brendan a year or so after he passed, is so beautiful and angelic and peaceful. I hope my little one cames into my dreams as I just want to see him so much and give him the biggest cuddle I can give him. I also have an angel book, so I'm looking forward to reading it soon.

Lisa, I'm so glad that you can talk about Noah to your family and friends and they ask you questions. It's so good to have support and caring like this, isn't it ? Like I said before, I don't talk to mum about Josh much at all as she infuriates me and my dad gets too upset whan I bring him up in conversation. He took it really hard, I've never seen him cry before.
My friends fortunatelly have no probs talking about Joshua and I feel so comfortable talking about him it's great.

Big hugs and kisses to you girls,

Beata xxxx

[AngelPunks]

I don't know how I'm going to handle this xmas, I would have had a 7 month old, I've also separated from my husband - so double blow.