I am so sorry to hear about your m/c. It's such a horrible thing and sadly it's something that way too many people have to go through. (BTW, before I forget, you might like to take a look at the 'forum jargon' forum where it explains a lot of the abbreviations etc that you will see cropping up in here!)
Your story sounds a lot like my first m/c. My DH and I had gone to our first OB appt when I was 10.5w and sure enough, we saw our little baby on the screen with tiny little arms and legs etc, but it was like suspended animation - not moving, and no heartbeat. I was just crushed beyond belief. I had another confirming u/s the next day where I howled at how cruel life could be and that I was walking around carrying a baby that had passed away at apparently 8.5w. I had a D&C a couple of days after that. I really feel for you Pukeko.....nothing can prepare you for this kind of loss.
I too got a lot of the comments that you got i.e. it's natures way, or there must have been something wrong, or something about how common it is etc.....like somehow they were trying to justify something to me that couldn't possibly be justified.....I'd just lost a much-loved baby! If there WERE something wrong, it doesn't make the loss any less.....you love your little one immeasurably! A lot of people really don't know what to say in these kinds of situations, and sadly these are the kinds of comments that are made and it can be hard not to be offended by them. There were many occasions when I felt that I had to really bite my tongue or else I would have totally lost my cool. In hindsight, I know that they weren't trying to be cruel, although I did have some very hurtfl things said to me that to this day I find it hard to believe. I think that a simple 'I'm so sorry to hear about your loss' or to send you a card with this written on it really says it all - at least that way you know that people are thinking of you. I know it's hard Pukeko, but most people really just don't understand how you feel.
It's only natural to go back over everything to try and pinpoint a reason for why this happened - I did that too. In fact, I still often think about it and blame myself to some degree. I had 2 m/c in a row and couldn't believe what was happening and after having extensive tests done (including chromosomal tests) and nothing was found to be wrong, I just felt that it HAD to be my fault - I must have done something wrong, eaten the wrong thing, or not done the right thing. It's way too easy to point the finger at yourself as it's natural to look for a reason, but rest assured when I tell you (and I still try to tell myself this) that the chances are that it is absolutely nothing you have done! Sometimes these things happen and it can be hard to accept it as just 'bad luck' because you can't possibly accept that! Not really sure if that made sense, but I want to reassure you that I'm certain you've looked after yourself and that what happened was completely beyond your control. Someone once said to me that perhaps the two little ones that we lost were only with me for such a brief time because they learnt everything about life that they needed to know - i.e. they learnt everything from me and no longer needed to be here with me to have their life's journey complete. It actually gave me quite a lot of comfort to think about it that way. I like to try and think of my little ones as having come into my life for only a short time, but having learnt everything they needed to know so that they left this world totally fulfilled.
It really is natural to worry about suffering a m/c again. We all understand those feelings - if you read through the forums you'll see a lot of that coming out in people's posts.
Sometimes your cycles can be a little wonky following a m/c or D&C. It can take between 4 - 6w for AF to return, and for some women even longer. It can be pretty frustrating when you feel the need to start TTC again, but try and look at it as your body taking the time that it needs to heal itself.
I think it's fantastic that you've bought something to remember your little one by - I think this is a really important part of grieving. It's important to acknowledge the very important part this little life has in your family IYKWIM. I did a few things too, like wrote a couple of poems, a letter, bought a special plant etc, and I put together a special keepsake box. I also bought each of our little ones a special christmas decoration that will go on our christmas tree every year.
OK...I think I've probably prattled on enough for now, but rest assured Pukeko that the feelings you are having really are normal and understandable, as hard as they all are to cope with right now. Come in here and vent your feelings as often as you wish and we'll all understand and support you in the best way that we can.
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