My God! You ladies are amazing!!

I just got home from work, made the dinner, spent our chat time with DH and now he has gone off to do 'his thing' (he's a classical musician so goes off to play for a few hours...which I love as it's what I fell in love with him for!!), so I just logged on to see if anyone had noticed my post. I just have to say how AMAZING AMAZING you all are and reading through your heartfelt replies which you all took so much time and effort into...I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks. I'm so moved that I got noticed! I've had to keep up with the brave face thing and forgot for a while there how much people care. YOu've all been through hell and still can hear that pain in someone else. Even that 'hugs' emoticon made me cry feeling the support...

It's those same tears that you can go along day to day feeling 'ok-ish' then all it takes is someone to say 'So how are you really' and you lose it. I'm sure you all know that feeling....

I thought of my due date (would have been Jan 6th) and it hit me today how hard that date will be. I only hope I can help support you guys through stuff like that while I go through all this 'soul searching' too. I keep thinking of thing like that. Another one I thought of was one night while pg I was soooooo sick and went to bed literally 20 mins after coming home from work. DH came in to see if I was ok..and said in my ear "thanks for going through this to grow our bubs". :-(

Bec - thank you for jumping straight in and making me feel so 'normal' in one steady swoop. To hear people have seen themselves in a similar situation is the most comforting thing. It brought me more relief in a moment than in the nights and nights I've spent looking for answers...

Tatty Teddy - I will take what you've said on board...even though I want to be pregnant again RIGHT NOW...I'll learn from what you've said and give the next pg it's best ever chance

Tootie - you're incredible. Thanks for taking so much time to make me feel so much like I'm not alone. Looks like we both lost our babies at exactly the same stage (8.5 weeks). Even that makes me feel there was nothing I could have done. Maybe that stage is a crucial one for the development genes..and when 'something' was mucked up in the genetic information/blueprint and it wasnt there..then it all just stopped there and then.

Kirsty - my god you've been through so much. Losing your little boy that much later much have hurt so much. The 'no heartbeat' part is the most tragic and I reckon I'll be wanting a scan EVERYDAY for the next pg..and not looking at the screen until I hear it's OK. I think I have been expecting to much of myself and hearing people like you makes me realise I should let myself 'be a basketcase' for a little while.

Zola - than you for making me feel ok about being positive. I've had aweful pangs of guilt at this weird desperation to get pg again as quick as possible. Your wishing me luck and hope to eventually hold a baby in my arms gave me a pang of positive and I smiled while reading it.

KAB - I read your story about little Katelyn and I too am so sorry. 18 weeks you're so near yet so far - it's bloody cruel! We girls are brainwashed to think we're home and hosed after 12 weeks. Next time I'm pg I wont relax the whole time until the bub is out and crying! I guess we'll always have to envy those people who just cruise through a pregnancy and everything turns out ok. That innocent worry-free thing has gone for us all.

Angel - yes that's the hardest part to believe..the one day there you are smirking to yourself as you walk along cos you know about the little person inside you..then the next you wake up from the anaethestic crying cos you know that's been taken from you. I wasnt even pg as long as some of you ladies and I miss it so much.

Thank you girls again - cant tell you how pleased I am I found you! Chat soon (sorry - this has gone on a bit like an Academy Award acceptance speech!!)...

Pukeko