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Thread: TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after the first trimester

  1. #19

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    I'm going to keep up with this thread
    Mel: Ooh hope you have a wonderful day and reading your post was so touching that you realised how much you loved your partner..I felt the same.
    I rang the IVF clinic tonight...a big step for me and have till March to use up our embies so intense training on DD part.
    I lost 2 girls one at 17 weeks and another at 20 due to undiagnosed incomp cervix. I carried Eliza till 37 weeks and she is a bustling 20 month old.
    A bit of a sad night my waters broke a few years ago whilst watching the last episode of All Saints...funny the things you remember
    Bec


  2. #20

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    Bec :hugs: It is funny the things you remember...
    Please do come back. I answered your post in the Pregnancy After Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth/Late Loss forum... Blonde moment!

  3. #21

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    Thanks Bec - I am just hoping for nice weather. I think if our angel babies can make us all realise what is truly important in life then it is a gift they have given us which we should take with gratitude. I hope all goes well with IVF... and training, hehe

  4. #22

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    Well, I feel like I am about to get my period.
    I feel AWFUL...
    Bloated, cranky and twingy. You all know the drill...
    BLAH

  5. #23

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    That's no good Deb - a woman is entitled to be cranky over periods, they are crap!

  6. #24

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    Yes, but they also herald a new beginning as well!

  7. #25
    kirsty Guest

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    I am going to go out on a limb here & maybe some of you girls can help.

    Do you ever consider that enough is enough?

    Just lately I am starting to wonder if I am asking for trouble by trying for another baby. A huge part of my rational heart says maybe I should sit back & be happy that we have our gorgeous son & to work on the things that have gone wrong since we lost our boys ~ my marriage has suffered big time due to the losses, mainly coz DH can move on so much easier than I can about what I have physically been through. Then of course there is the other part of me that so desperately wants to have another baby, I have never ever seen myself as only having one earth child in my life. But of course then there are all the doubts that I am sure will be twice as stressful as they were when I was pg with Thomas. I am starting to seriously doubt my mental & emotional capability of being pregnant again, as well as all the physical stuff that goes with it.

    Then to top it off I tried to have another D&M with DH the other nite when James was on a sleepover & he didn't want to talk about it then. So then he raises it Tuesday in the car on the way to Warrnambool ~ let's just say the ensuing conversation pretty much ruined a good day out, even though I told him I didn't want to discuss it right at that time. Then he goes on to say well I thought we had already discussed it, like we can only ever talk about it once & then not think about things or reconsider things, WTF???

    And I guess that none of this is helped by the fact that circumstances beyond our control have meant that our next appt with the OB in regards to test results etc has had to be rescheduled from next Monday to January 4th!!! So just another time barrier for me to think even more things & put more doubt into my mind.

    Sorry girls, just really needed to get that out & see if I'm the only weird one or if others think like me (even if it is only occasionally)

  8. #26

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    Kirsty,
    I am about to go out for dinner with some girlies but I couldn't not answer your post when I saw it.

    I have fleetingly wondered if enough is enough. For me though I just "Know" that there is another baby for me. It is something that I *know*. It may seem irrational and it certainly can't be explained but I know it like I know tomorrow is Thursday!

    I think we all have a *number* that is right for us. I know that your journey has been so very difficult and I know that your relationship has been knocked about by the losses of your sons... This does make things different for you.

    I think you need to do what feels right. I think if you do decide to havae another pregnancy that you are going to need lots of support and acceptance that the road is very different for you than your partner. In my situation my husband has felt verry sad at our losses but has appeared to get over it. However, his pain is different and he is a separate person who is okay being just as he is. Just as I am my way and you are yours. What you are experiencing is so very very common with grief. Partners being very confused and angry at the others reactions and choices around dealing with the loss.

    The hard thing is Kirsty that there are no guarantees that it won't happen again and we have to go ahead fully knowing that yet believing it won't. N ow if that's not a contradiciton I don't know what is!

    So, yes I think we have all wondered if enough is enough but at the end of the day only each individual can make that decision.

    YOu know though that if you decide to conceive again you will be given so much love and support from so many of us. I think it's important to have some type of support through the next pregnancy also. It could be counselling, reiki, meditation, hypnobirthing - you will find what is right. But even if you think that there is a possibility of conceiving again start seeking out that support now so you have it all in place. This I believe is important because you will need it - we all will...

    You know you have all my love and support and you know you can contact me via email if you need to... :hugs: nice long hard ones...

  9. #27
    kirsty Guest

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    Thank you so much Deb.

    I guess in my heart I know I can't not have at least one more go! But so much of me is scared of how I am going to cope with the whole pregnancy & its effects. And we have already discussed with our counsellor that should we follow the path of another pregnancy I will be seeing him the whole way through. So that is one thing, I really don't think that DH will be able to offer me the unconditional support that I need. As a typical male I am sure he will try to *fix* things when I am having an emotional rant instead of just letting me get it off my chest.

    Deb sweetie I am sure that we will both be blessed one day with another earth bound baby ~ I only hope it is sooner rather than later.

    Big hugs to you.

  10. #28

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    Kirsty - DH and I were going to take a break if the clomid didn't work (we got pregnant on the 6th and last effort). We were debating the effects of the IVF path we were facing and what we would do if that didn't work. We had made the decision that adoption was not for us and had considered how many cycles I would subject my body to IVF.

    I immediately wanted another baby after Caitlyn. Not because I wanted to replace her but because I wanted a baby so very much. On the other hand, the stress of trying to get pregnant again was taking its toll on me and DH was worried he would never see the smiling and happy wife he once knew.

    The fear of not having a baby overcame the fear of having a baby for me. You have to choose the path that is right for you and your family. If you do decide to proceed (and if you have recognised DH will not be the type of support you will need) then source the right supports pre-conception so you can be assured of a crutch every time you falter or need reassurance. We will be here in cyber space but you will also need the physical support too.

    Whatever you choose will be the right decision at the time it is made

  11. #29

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    I don't know if I really fit on this thread but after reading it I just wanted to say how much I feel for everyone. It breaks my heart that such wonderful women are experiencing such heartache. I am having a really tough time of late, who am I kidding, it has all been really tough and just when I think I have the courage and strenght to go on, something else seems to go wrong. I found a lump in my breast today and my DH took me straight to the GP who is almost certain that it is a blocked milk duct. But almost certain means nothing to me anymore. They were almost certain that my little boy would be ok... Once you become a statistic, statistics mean nothing!!! As a precaution she has sent me for an ultrasound tomorrow. I just feel like this world is a cruel cruel place, it has just been one thing after another since losing Harrison but I am going to survive this and hell, throw what you like at me world... I am just going to throw it back ten times harder I just feel so overwhelmed.... When is some good luck going to come my way... I am sorry to be a downer and I don't mean to sound so negative but I just want to get it all out...

    Kirsty, I think that the decision to have another child must be the most terrifying choice to make. I know what you mean when you talk about our DH's seeming to get over it. I had some really good advice from a social worker who sad that women tend to grieve really intensly and are communicators where as men only deal with small bits of grief at a time and tend to hold it in. They get their relief through seeing us happier. I know that is a generalisation but I think there is some truth to it. My DH always says that my smile is the best medicine he could ever get. No matter what your choice is, just take your time, you have been through so much and you deserve everything you desire. I truly hope that you have a H&H gurgling gooing bubba in your arms soon.

    Mel... You have been my lifeline in the last few weeks . I hope that you will have a wonderful wedding and more importantly a life filled with the happiness and love that you deserve. I know that the pitter patter of little feet is not far away.

    I'll pop in tomorrow to let you know how the breast scan goes. Apparently they can confirm on the spot if it is just a blocked duct.

    Sweet dreams to all of you
    Spring Angel

  12. #30

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    Hey, if I fit in here you most certainly do!

    OMG!!! I am so sorry to hear that, you must be worried sick Just what you need at the moment huh? I know it is hard to be positive but just trust in the drs (easier said than done), they know the difference between the different types of lumps and bumps you can get and I am sure you will be ok

    Please let me know how you go with the ultrasound tomorrow, I will be thinking of you. And, if you need anyone to talk to you know how to catch me - you have been my lifeline too, believe me

    Fingers & toes crossed, hope you get some sleep :hugs:

    Mel

  13. #31

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    Thanks Mel

    I think I will sleep tonight becuase I am so physically (I did a big workout at the gym before I found the lump) and emotionally exhausted it is a struggle even trying to keep my eyes open.

    About all the tests you are discussing in the Pregnancy After Recurrent m/c, late loss and stillbirth thread, I know that you want to search for answers, you know that I am going through exactly the same thought process at the moment, but don't forget the very wise advice you gave me, no matter what you did or what you do in your future pregnancys, this is not your fault. I know that is easy to say and to be honest I blame myself every day for losing Harrison but deep down I know that we both did everything that we could to bring our little boys safely to this earth. The couldn't have asked for better mums. I just don't want you to drive yourself mad searching for answers that may not be there. Do everything that you need to but also trust your instincts.

    I'll let you all know how tomorrow goes, the ultrasound is at 12.45pm. I am actually getting DH to drive me to the North Coast because the earliest appointment I could get in Brisbane was next Monday!!! The condecending lady at the xray place told me not to worry so much and just wait the 5 days, and it wasn't until I starting balling my eyes out and told her that I am going through so much other stuff at the moment that she shut up! She was on the phone to another place and said "I have a girl here who needs an ultrasound'. I know that it is irrational but I wanted to yell at her, I am not a girl!! I am a married women who has just lost a son and I am not a little girl so don't trivialise my concerns!!!!!! Boy, I was so mad DH said he was about to have a go at her also but I am glad that we held it together and it doesn't matter now because we don't have to go back there because the appointment is at another place. Even if it is in another city, I don't care, waiting until Monday would have made me go nuts:eek:... I am just trying to stay positive

    Nighty Ni all you wonderful women

    Spring Angel

  14. #32

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    Spring, If you are comfortable in here my love then you fit... I wish no body fitted any criteria for being in here... This isn't an exclusive place, just a place where women like you and me and Kirsty and Mel and all the other wonderful women can feel we can just let it all hang out...
    I am so sorry to hear about your lump and so relieved you will have an u/s today. It is most likely that it will be clear but you are absolutely right - you have enough on your plate without this... I will be thinking of you and please come back and let us know...

    Kirsty - I agree wholeheartedly with what Spring said about men and their grief. I think part of the key is allowing yourself to feel and go through whatever it is you are and allow him to do the same. He can never be you and you he and sometimes we just have to accept the differences and leave it at that. I am so sorry that things are like this for now. But you know that there is ALWAYS a rainbow ALWAYS.
    I know we will have our babies Kirsty... I am sorry your appointment has been moved - that makes it so very hard. The waiting... Michelle has given some wonderful advice (as always) you do need to seek out those supports now. It's great that you have a counsellor but another friend or someone you can turn to when it gets tough. It WILL get tough. I did it a day at a time. I went through my last pregnancy week to week. The next one will be the same. It is never going to be that breezy easy pregnancy that others have. :hugs: Kirsty.

    Michelle, I understand what you are saying. For me I feel the same. The fear of NOT having another child outweighs the fear of going through pregnancy again...

  15. #33
    kirsty Guest

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    Thanx so much for your honest & open opinions ladies. I know in my heart that I will never forgive myself if we don't try at least once more & as we already know the likely management of the pregnancy I know that that side of things will be very closely looked after. I guess it is just more of the emotional side of things that I am struggling with.

    I know how much fear I carried into my pg with Thomas after losing Alex, I lived day to day for months & just when I thought I was able to breath out a little it all went wrong again. I also fear that that means whatever was doubled before will almost be twice as bad again, I fear being able to enjoy the pregnancy (when & if) it happens. I am scared that I will again become an emotional mine field & that again my family will suffer.

    But I have the counsellor & he is always contactable by phone & has already said that for him it would be an honour to be able to support us through another pregnancy & that he is always available by phone should we ever need him outside of the weekly appointments we have already discussed. It is just so daunting.

    I wish I had the naiviety (sp?) back of just falling pregnant & having a baby, no dramas & no idea of all the terrible things that can happen, but that of course is just wishful thinking.

    Again ladies thanx heaps.

    Spring I am thinking of you today & hope all goes well with your ultrasound.

  16. #34

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    Its BENIGN Nothing to worry about apparently. I didn't realised just how terrified I was until I was lying there in that stupid blue gown with that dreaded ultrasound probe on my breasts. It just really hit me all of a sudden that I might be about to find out that I had cancer, I might die!!!! I just couldn't hold myself together. We were both so releived to hear that it is nothing to worry about. It is a benign cyst which is most likely caused by a blocked milk duct. It may get bigger, smaller, stay the same or disappear completely. Some women have them all throughout their breasts.

    Both my DH and I are totally exhausted that we are going to go to sleep for an hour or two. I'll drop by later to see how everyone is going after I have gathered my thoughts.

    Thanks to everyone for your well wishes.

    Spring Angel

  17. #35

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    YIPPEE Spring - at last you have something to celebrate! I am so glad - any lump is scary and now you can cross that off your worry list.

    Kirsty - I hear you wouldn't it be nice to be so carefree in pregnancy as we were before we knew...

    However, we can only be positive because there is no point dwelling on what we have learnt can go wrong. We need to put all of our belief in what we know can go well also...

    I am so glad you are in here and I am so glad we all have each other on this next journey...

  18. #36
    kirsty Guest

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    Woohoo Spring I am so happy for you that it is nothing serious.

    Thanx for having me in here Deb, I am sure when the time comes we will all provide invaluable support to each other. Even just this little bit of talk in the last day or so has helped me to clear my mind & understand how I am really feeling about things.

    And by that I mean that given all our tests come back clear & the hysteroscopy (sp?) is ok I am good to go & give another little bubba a chance to come into our lives. So a bug thanx from me to all of you who have helped me see the moon amid the stars!!

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