I was on the phone this morning and the person at the other end heard my baby crying. When I told her I was cuddling him, she said, “well you’ve created a rod for your own back now,” says Jody, mother of an eight week old.
When your competence as a mother comes under scrutiny, it’s easy for doubts to creep in that you just might be ‘giving in’ to your baby or that she really is a little rascal plotting to wrap you around her proverbial little finger.
It then becomes difficult to resist advice to ignore your baby’s cries in order to teach her to cry less or sleep more – or whatever your critic’s definition of a ‘good baby’ happens to be.
Really, there is no sense at all in entering a power struggle with your baby. Your baby’s cry has been designed for her survival and you are programmed to react.
A mother’s body chemistry changes when her baby cries: the blood flow to her breasts doubles and she has a hormone-induced urge to respond. When you attend to your baby promptly, you not only get better at ‘reading’ her crying language but come to learn her pre-cry signals and as you respond accordingly, you will be able to avert full-blown crying.
In the early months, your baby’s cry is automatic. If you leave her to cry, she is likely to become even more upset as her crying picks up momentum. And after a little while she won’t even know why she was crying in the first place – she will just be crying because she can’t stop, and so she will be much harder to settle.
If you are breastfeeding, it is particularly important to respond quickly to hunger cues: a baby who is left to work up to a full-blown cry will have a more disorganised suck and may have trouble latching on correctly, or she may only suck for a short time before she falls asleep with exhaustion.
Leaving your baby to cry it out may have longer term consequences for mental health: there is emerging evidence that distress at being left to cry changes the physiology of the brain and may predispose children to stress disorders such as panic, anxiety and depression later in life.
Paediatrician William Sears has commented that “babies who appear to be ‘trained’ not to express their needs may appear to be docile, compliant or ‘good’ babies. Yet these babies could be depressed babies who are shutting down their needs. They become children who don’t speak up to get their needs met and eventually become the highest need adults.”
By not responding to your baby’s signals, the only things being ‘spoilt’ are your relationship with your baby and your own self-confidence. As your baby fails to comply, you feel more and more inadequate (and possibly angry).
And, as you struggle to teach your baby that you are in control, she may also learn perhaps the saddest lesson of all: that she is helpless, that she has no power to communicate – so what is the use of trying?
Do Cuddles Make Babies Smarter?
There are two huge benefits to cuddling your baby:
#1: Cuddles Make Your Baby Smarter
Neuroscientists and clinicians have documented that loving interactions that are sensitive to a child’s needs influence the way the brain grows and can increase the number of connections between nerve cells.
#2: Cuddles Stop The Crying
Research shows that babies who are attended to promptly during the first six months cry and whinge less in the next six months and even later – responding now could be cheap insurance against a demanding toddler!
I have spent many years , 28 to be exact teaching kindergartners. Now that I am retired I take care of my 8 month old grandson and cannot say enough about following our natural instincts as care givers. I decided early in my newfound job that days filled with a baby who does not need to cry a lot is much better for every one. Crying produces stress for both of us. Anticipating and watching for babies ques cannot be stated enough! Following our instincts as caregivers ensures a content, calm baby which leaves lots of time for positive human development. Baby gets time by himself to explore and interact with his surroundings as well as adult directed time for reading books, singing songs and playful baby games. Intentional gross motor and fine motor time, allow baby to practice those ever important developmental milestones as well as giving opportunities to problem solve and encourage brain development. Finally, a baby that demonstrates physically leaning in for more cuddles and trying to hug and kiss in response to his many adult lead hugs and kisses, are beautiful ways these babies are already showing love is reciprocated in many, many ways, already! What a world we would have if we met each others needs, through loving, intentional ,interactions throughout our lives.:)
Spot on!! I wholeheartedly agree with everything you have said 🙂
Can you please add some references or links to studies in the text? “Neuroscientists and clinicians have documented ” – where? “Research shows…” – which one, by whem, where published, when?
Thanks.
Thanku so much for this positive article, there’s a lot of peer pressure in the western world to do ‘sleep training’ and interesting to see how western world also has high rates of depression etc in comparison to other cultures who traditionally co sleep. I understand that for some it’s impossible to co-sleep but for many mothers like me who wanted to co sleep because it felt natural and nearly gave in to the peer pressure to leave her to cry, I think there needs to be a lot more support available and scientific studies published to show the amazing benefits of cuddling to sleep & co sleeping. We have a delightful, secure, confident little girl who is comfortable going to strangers even tho she’s 10 mths , in the peak of clinging stage. We believe it’s all because of cuddling to sleep and co sleeping closeness she gets. I feel so sad for the thousands of babies out there who’s parents are told they are doing the right thing by letting their precious defenceless baby cry into the darkness of a lonely room with a lifeless teddy for some kind of false comfort… That teddy is supposed to be it’s mummy. I’m happy to forgo the convenience of a baby that never cries for me and the heart ache as she grows up feeling detached from me,. I’ll do the hard yards now and forever enjoy the close bond we’ve begun and the natural confidence she will grow up with because she could trust the most important people in her early life. I’m looking forward to whatever tomorrow brings because we followed our instincts and did what comes naturally to all of us. It’s that simple;)
Brilliant! My thoughts exactly! Well said 😀