Should Your Mother Be At The Birth? 7 Things You Need To Consider

Should Your Mother Be At The Birth? 7 Things You Need To Consider

If you’re reading this article, it’s likely that you’re unsure if your mother should be present at the birth of your baby. You’ve probably come up with some positives of having her there, but you’ve probably come up with some negatives too. Especially when feelings and emotions are involved, it can be a really tough decision. But never fear – BellyBelly is here to help!

Firstly, it’s important to remember that birth is an intimate, private occasion that you only get one chance at – you can’t go back and do it over again.

Who you have at your birth is a decision that is entirely up to you – and you only. Some women cannot imagine going through such a major life event without their mother by their side, whereas other woman can’t think of anything worse than having their mother in the birth room. Some birth professionals point out the huge similarities to making love and birth: the same hormones come into play (especially oxytocin), the noises are similar, and both events take place in privacy and often darker lighting, which is how birth hormones work best. Its been said that the two individuals who conceived the baby should be the only ones present when birthing the baby (aside from birth professionals). Sex is an intimate, vulnerable act, as is birth, which is why some women feel strongly about who is observing the act of giving birth.

For those who are going to be a single mother, or have a partner who is unable to attend the birth for whatever reason, then your mother may be the person you think of as an alternative birth partner.

Whether you decide to include your mother in your birth plan is entirely up to you, but here are some things to consider as you decide whether to add your mother to the guest list:

#1: What’s The Relationship Like With Your Mother?

You probably have a gut instinct about whether you would want your mother present at the birth, and this is likely to be based on your relationship. If you’re a ‘Gilmore Girls’ sort of set up, then you probably can’t wait to hold her hand as you push your way into motherhood. If you have a more complicated relationship, however, she may not be able to support you as you need. You may feel too anxious or self-concious to have her there, worrying about how the support will all unfold.

If there are unresolved issues with your mother, it’s best to give it a miss. As much as you may be tempted to try and heal your relationship by having your mother present at the birth, unfortunately it can backfire. Anxiety and stress during labour can hinder the labour process, which once served our outdoor living ancestors. If they were faced with danger during labour (triggering anxiety or fear), stress hormones could halt the labour hormones so the mother could move to a safe place and have her baby.

These days, if you’re in hospital and your labour isn’t progressing to a doctor’s liking, you’ll end up being pressured for intervention to speed things up. An augmentation (same drugs as an induction) increases your chances of needing pain relief, other interventions and even a caesarean section (especially for first time mothers).

So while some people may think it’s not a big deal letting anyone into a birthing space who wants to be there… it is.

#2: Can She Provide The Support You Need?

Every birthing woman is different, and it can be hard to predict the type of support you will need during labour. The best birth outcomes arise from carers who can provide a trifecta of care – someone who is:

  • Able to provide continuous care (present for the duration of labour)
  • Is known to the woman
  • Is experienced in birth

A review of doula studies has concluded that a doula’s support is more effective than hospital staff (who have shifts, multiple women to look after and hospital rules to follow) as well as the mothers family and friends. This does not mean that your mother or your friends can’t do a great job of encouraging you and supporting you, but they may not have the skills required to help you achieve the kind of birth you are hoping for.

As a general rule, when choosing a non-trained birth support person, you will need someone with a cool head, someone who can help to keep you calm while offering words of encouragement (not sympathy, which can actually make you feel worse and like you definitely need medicated help to get out of the tough spots!). If this sounds like your mother, then she might be the perfect birth partner.

If, however, she tends to panic, worry a great deal, puts her own needs first, or makes you feel worried or anxious, then she may not be the right person to have at a birth. Mothers can be very loving and caring, but some mothers can buckle under the emotional strain of seeing their daughters in pain, feeling hopeless and even suggesting she have ‘a bit of pain relief’ to feel better. This may be fine for you, but if you’re hoping to avoid medication at all costs, this can be a big problem.

#3: What Is Her Relationship With Your Partner Like?

Some women choose to have both their partner and mother present with them during the birth, which allows each birth partner to take a break every so often, without leaving you unsupported during labour. It also means you’ll have two people who care about you with you in the birth room.

It’s important to consider how your mother will work your birth partner. Ideally, you want a team who will work together and be supportive of each other, in order to provide the best support possible. If there is tension between your mother and partner, and the two don’t get on all that well, this could lead to an awkward atmosphere in the birth room which can stress you out and make you feel like you’re holding it all together – and that’s the last thing you need during childbirth.

#4: Is There Enough Room For Her?

If you’re giving birth at home, you’ll be free to decide who will be present at the birth – although you will need to consider how much space you have. In a hospital environment, however, you may find that there are restrictions on how many people you can have with you at the birth. For many hospitals, that limit is set at two, so including your mother would exclude any existing children, your best friend, a doula and photographers. It’s totally up to you who you want at the birth, but you need to consider who won’t be able to attend if your mother is with you.

#5: What Will Your Mother Do?

To avoid the room feeling busy, and to stop your partner and mother from tripping over each other as they battle it out for birth partner of the year, it’s a good idea to assign specific roles. You may want your partner to be your main support during the birth, but like the idea of having your mum in the room too. If that’s the case, ask her to sit on the sidelines, and volunteer her services when necessary, but make it clear beforehand that she has more of a spectator role at the birth. Some women assign their mother as the children’s birth support person, meaning she’s responsible for making sure the children and happy, settled and taken out the room for a break if need be.

#6: Be Selfish

You have been growing a human for months, and you’re about to give birth to that human all by yourself – yours are the only feelings that matter. Yes, you want your partner to be happy too, and no, you don’t want to upset your mother. But, you know what, all of that pales into insignificance when you consider the amazingness of what you are about to do. So, ignore what everyone else thinks, and make this decision based entirely on how you feel, and what you think will help you to feel the most relaxed during labour.

#6: If You Can’t Decide

This isn’t a decision you need to make on a whim, remember you have nine long months to weigh up your options. If you are still to-ing and fro-ing as the big day approaches, it might be time to cast your mum as the back up plan. Explain that you can’t predict how you’ll feel on the day, so don’t want to invite her along in case you change your mind. Put her on standby, make sure she is contactable and knows how to get to the hospital if the need arises. That way, whether you feel you need her on your first contraction or at the start of the second stage, she can be prepared for the possibility that you might need her. At the end of the day, if you’re unsure, its best to say no.

#7: Find Ways To Keep Her Busy

If your mum was hoping to be at the birth, and seems hurt that you have decided she should stay away, give her some jobs to keep her busy. You could have her look after your older children, or prepare the house for when you return. You could even put her in charge of letting friends and family know that the baby has arrived. Or think of a last minute item she simply needs to go and buy, like a changing table or winter coat, for your new baby. This will help her to feel involved, and may resolve any hurt feelings as she realises she is still helping you on this important day.

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  1. since I am a mom and a now a new grandma this article tends to push everyone at beside such as the father (as it should be) but a doula and photography over a mother absolutely not.. Of course it the new mothers choice yet this article is most definately steered one way

  2. Was Mom there when you made it? It could be an opportunity for the father and mother to truly bond over the beautiful life created. Each situation is different and Mom may need to be present for those who are alone or do not have a partner, but in general the focus needs to be on starting an amicable relationship with the father and see if this child can not be used as a pawn, but have the baby be the center of attention for the day, and hopefully for a lifetime.
    Get back to the basics and stop the craziness

  3. Thanks for the article. I’ve been considering who I want in the room as my support persons and this article has a few questions that are important for me to really think about. The emphasis on intimacy and on the mother-to-be are very important and often overlooked. Many people, like myself, are worried about hurting others feelings.

    The fact that some mothers / mother-in-laws believe they deserve to be in the delivery room instead of the father is amazing.

    1. I only had my husband in the room for this exact reason. If I had my mum, then I would have needed everyone because of family politics. I’m glad that I decided on only having my husband as when our son was born no one was around to hover over while we had our first time bonding as a new little family.

  4. I am planning on having my mum in the birthing room with my partner as my partner passes out at the sight of blood and i wouldnt be much support so i ssked my because we are very close

  5. I absolutely wish me and my mom were closer. Maybe by the time I give birth in august we will have a better understanding. I would love for her to share this moment with me.

  6. with my first, I wanted my mom there. She has said how she always wanted to witness a birth and being her only daughter, I’m most likely the only chance she will get. But for some reason, my mother in law thought it was unfair that my mom could be there and she couldn’t. It made me so mad, but my mom understood. I’m pregnant with my 4th and planning on being even more strict when it comes to visitors even after baby is born. My husband has a huge family, and they all seem to invite friends, bring their misbehaved children, and are just loud. There’s nothing worse than lying in a hospital bed bleeding out of your croch trying to be happy that your room is filled with loud, pushy people. And all you want to do is nurse and cuddle your new baby! Anyway. Good morning!

  7. Only in extreme special circumstances. 2 is company- 3’s a crowd! The most unique couple bonding experience. Especialy the first baby! The new family must have privacy after their intence experience. No mothers… Wait in the waiting room!

    1. Being a mother and a doula I have been with two of my daughters when they gave birth and it was a wonderful experience for us all. I have the wisdom, as do others, to know when the right time is to leave the room.

  8. I am very close with my daughter but she isn’t sure if I should be present at the birth. This is their first baby so I understand they want it to be special for them. I told her I will not interfere with that and will leave the room after the birth so they can bond with the baby together. I am not pushy or controlling. I just want to help and provide support. She will let me know when the time arrives. My son in law and I are also close. We are a very close knit family.

  9. I think it is the women’s choice if she wants her Mum to be at the birth and that people need to respect her dicision. Lots of expectant mum want to have their mums in the room . I don’t know how people can relate giving birth to being intimate with their partners. Birth is a beautiful thing in its entirety and does not have to be associated to anything else. Just spare a thought for those women whom have been sexuly abuse as children.

  10. My mother’s presence infantilized me during my first birth. This taught me that I wanted a doula instead for my next birth because birthing women need to feel powerful during birth. And while my mother had her own personal birth experiences influencing my birthing story, my doula was able to help me write my own birthing story my way. Grandmas can wait. They had their turn at birth and they’ll have plenty of other opportunities to bond with the new baby and to witness their own baby growing into motherhood. Grandmas, please remember it’s just not about you.

    1. Wow its like you were speaking to me. Im soon to deliver and had a bad experience with my mom with my first child. She was upset because I was telling her and my husband not to touch me during a contraction and after a while she got upset and left the room with expressing herself loud – I could deff hear her. I think that grandmas make it all about themselves and not us. When I told her I just wanted my husband, she felt ofended and just made me feel like Im a terrible daughter. At the end, your right. Its my story and not hers. She needs to understand.

  11. I am a first time grandma. My daughter just gave birth a week ago. She’s 41 and I have prayed and waited for this baby as much as she. Her father was gone before she was born and there was just she and I for the first 12 years of her life, then I remarried. We had a very close relationship, or so I thought. When she gave birth the nurse said “only 2 could stay” and of course her husband stayed and I thought that I was staying. Then she said for me to go. I asked her if she wanted me to stay or go, thinking that I heard her incorrectly. She said “go ahead and go mom and I’ll call you if I need you”. I found our while sitting in the waiting room, from her mother-in-law that “they had decided they didn’t want anyone else in the room” . REALLY? news to me! Then I found out that since there could only be 2 and they didn’t want to show favortism to me instead over his mother, they decided that I should leave too. I feel that his mother has robbed me of a special moment between my daughter and I. I love my granddaughter more than my own life, but I feel that my relationship with my daughter is bruised. She can not have any more children, so this is it. and yes, I cry every night.

    1. My daughter is expecting my first grandchild and I’m thinking she doesn’t want me in there. Im trying not to be selfish but I’m crushed.

  12. My MIL was present at the birth of my son while my own mother was on a plane to the hospital asap. I would have chosen to not even have my MIL there but it was my first birth and I felt pressured. They lost my son’s heartbeat and my MIL kept a cool head and kept me calm. My mom would have flipped out. This pregnancy I feel like my mom is gonna feel she’s “owed” a presence at the birth, and although we haven’t discussed it I do not want anyone there but my fiance and the birth staff.

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