Libido and Breastfeeding – Where Did My Sex Drive Go?

Libido and Breastfeeding - Where Did My Sex Drive Go?

It would be a fair assumption to make, that as a new mother, you’d likely experience some sort of decline in your libido.

If it’s not from the fact that you’re exhausted from all the day-to-day demands of motherhood and sleep deprivation, you may be feeling all ‘touched out’ as a result of having a little bub on you all day.

The last thing you may want is your partner on you at night too!

Perhaps you’re feeling a little insecure about your new mama figure, or you’re a little edgy about sex if you’ve had a difficult or traumatic birth.

There are also some perfectly normal, biological reasons why your libido may be heading into in negative territory.

Low Libido and Breastfeeding

Before you start panicking about your feelings for your partner or lack of motivation to have sex, here’s what you need to know about your libido or sex drive while breastfeeding.

Low Libido Doesn’t Mean You Aren’t Attracted To Your Partner

Some new mothers feel concerned when they discover they have absolutely no sex drive. They may even wonder if it’s because they’re no longer attracted to their partner.

There is no need to worry, as it’s usually not the case.

If the usual demands and exhaustion of early motherhood haven’t stopped you from getting in the mood, there are other factors to consider.

A big reason for low or no libido while breastfeeding is the result of some important hormones doing their dance in order for you to be able to breastfeed.

Here are some different ways hormones can be impacted.

Medications and Low Libido

If you’re on anti-depressants, you may already know they can mess with your libido and orgasm.

Some forms of contraceptives are also well known to result in low libido.

Check with your doctor if you’re taking any of these – you may like to ask for an alternative medication.

Prolactin and Libido

Mother nature is truly clever – after you give birth, your body makes wonderful, nutritious breastmilk, which will be laying foundations for your baby’s health for the rest of his or her life.

This is courtesy of the hormone prolactin, which is responsible for telling your sex drive to take a hike.

As the name suggests, prolactin is important for lactation.

When your baby feeds, you produce more milk and your body also suppresses ovulation – everything is perfectly geared towards the survival of your gorgeous little baby, including preventing a pregnancy too soon.

Estrogen and Libido

Just when you thought you had enough hurdles, here’s another. While there is no ovulation going on, levels of estrogen are lowered as well, which is why breastfeeding mothers have little or no cervical mucus.

Vaginal dryness may be an issue – even if you feel like having sex or want to connect with your partner, it can make sex less enjoyable.

Lubrication with water-based lubricant can be of great help. Make sure you tell your partner to go slow and take more time getting you aroused – which is a well justified excuse for a nice long massage first!

Without lubrication, sex may become uncomfortable or painful, which will likely result in even less desire to have sex again any time soon.

BellyBelly recommends Lariese Evolve Personal Organic Lubricant organic lubricant, which has no nasties.

When Will I Notice An Increase In Libido / Sex Drive?

As time goes on, the hormones needed for your regular menstrual cycle will start to build back up, and will overcome the cycle suppressing hormones.

The length of time this takes is highly unique from woman to woman, and depends on several factors, including frequency of breastfeeding, dummy/pacifier use, formula use and the amount of solids consumed.

See also Menstruation, Your Period and Ovulation After Baby.

As soon as you start ovulating again, you will likely notice an increase in libido at around ovulation time. It should fully return when baby has weaned.

In the case that your libido has not returned after a lengthy period of time, you may like to visit your doctor and get your hormone levels checked (as well as other checks that impact energy, for example iron and thyroid function), or see a naturopath if you’d prefer to balance out hormones naturally.

Some women try to wean their baby prematurely to get their cycle and/or libido back sooner, but it’s important to remember the gift you are giving your baby by providing him with breastmilk – and as a bonus, breastfeeding helps with weight loss and reduces your risk of breast cancer, amongst other things.

Should I Have Sex With My Partner Even Though I Have Low Libido / Sex Drive?

Low libido in any relationship can be such a sensitive topic to deal with. Some new mothers may feel guilty saying no to sex with their partner, who then feel rejected or unloved.

Some new mothers share that their partners try to pressure them into sex, or they get tired of their partner asking for sex.

However, it’s important to communicate openly with your partner – it may be helpful to remind your partner (and yourself!) that you’re doing a great job, giving your baby the best nutritional food available and this is a small pay off for now.

Before you know it, breastfeeding will be nothing but a fond memory. Low libido is not worth ending your breastfeeding journey over, because just like baby’s crying spells, your lack of libido is temporary, not permanent and will pass.

Remind your partner that the loss of sex drive is perfectly normal for a breastfeeding mother, and is nothing to do with your feelings for them, but more to do with a ‘tap’ being turned down (or off!) to make way for something else.

If you don’t want to have sex, don’t, but in this case try to make sure you find other ways to create intimacy in your relationship to keep it strong. Of course, a baby will take up a great deal of your time, so you both need to find little ways to take care of each other too, because before the baby, there was the two of you – and one day when he or she leaves home, it’ll be back to just the two of you again. Its important to keep nurturing your relationship through all the ups and downs.

Some ideas you might like to suggest is to give each other a candlelight massage (with permission to fall asleep!), go out to dinner, hold hands, snuggle up and watch a movie together, take a bubble bath or shower together – the sky is the limit. Get creative and be patient – your sex drive will return again.

If you or your partner are struggling with a lack of sex in your relationship, please see a sex therapist or counsellor. The last thing you want is for this to create resent or other problems when you’ve just had a baby.

On the other hand, if you’re keen or open to connecting with your partner on a sexual level, even though you can’t feel that usual excitement, then it’s always worth a go. You never know, you just might end up enjoying yourself!

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Kelly Winder is the creator of, a writer, doula (trained in 2005), and a mother of three awesome children. She's passionate about informing and educating fellow thinking parents and parents-to-be, especially about all the things she wishes she knew before she had her firstborn. Kelly is also passionate about travel, tea, travel, and animal rights and welfare. And travel.


  1. I just want to say thank you for this article. It’s been 7 weeks since my period and 13 since birth. I’ve really wanted to be with my husband but have no desire. I feel so bad especially since I used to love sex. This article made me feel a lot better and has helped me emotionally. Thank you.

  2. Thank you for this article. My daughter is six months old and starting to have solid foods after months of exclusive breastfeeding. My husband has stopped sleeping in our bed because he’s tired of being turned down. I don’t know how else to explain to him why I have no desire for sex. I tell him I love him every day, and do all that I can to show him that I do. He expresses frustration every day and it makes me feel terrible, but definitely doesn’t turn me on. Any intimacy between us since our daughter was born has been forced on my part. I tolerate it to make him happy, but I can’t even be bothered to do that any more. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I feel like I have to choose between continuing to breastfeed and my relationship with him.

    1. It is SO hard Khalei! Here are a couple of articles for men you can show him:

      It’s a difficult time, but when the roles are reversed, then they finally understand. We’re travelling the world this year, I am working, he is looking after our toddler. He’s finally seen how exhausting and emotionally draining it is. I wish all partners could experience this. It would change relationships forever!

      1. I looked after my daughter 1 1/2 day per week when she was a toddler. I no longer believe I could be a ‘stay at home dad’ as it’s such a relentless, knackering, stressful nightmare (nice to have father-daughter time mind)! However, I am not able to use this experience to turn off my sex drive while my wife cares for babies/kids! Knowing that being a mum is very hard/tiring does not make us able to ‘be OK’ with not getting laid unfortunately. Our hormones/instincts will drive us bonkers regardless of any facts, experience or knowledge, the only way to stop this is sex!

    2. This is exactly me right now. I have a 6 month old son and a 3 year old daughter. And my husband constantly makes me feel bad that our sex life isn’t how it used to be when we first met. I feel like he has such unfair expectations of me. I won’t give up breastfeeding my son just to bring back my libido, I’ve commited to breastfeeding him for the first year of his life and I’m not going to give that up. I guess I’ll just have to fake it till I make it!

    3. ” I tell him I love him every day, and do all that I can to show him that I do. He expresses frustration every day and it makes me feel terrible, but definitely doesn’t turn me on. Any intimacy between us since our daughter was born has been forced on my part”
      This is exactly what happened to me, and my husband sum it up to total 2 years it was all my fault since my daughter was born. I am very stress right now.

    4. I know I shouldn’t ask my wife for anything sexual but find it hard not to. I have flat out told her I’m not worried about having sex but just a cuddle or kiss would be nice (a handjob would just be amazing). However, she gets annoyed when I try to hug her or offer her a massage or go in for a peck on the lips. I fully understand i will have to wait until she is ready for sex but dont fully understand why she wont even touch me. I know it’s not her fault but I do feel like I need just the smallest bit of attention/affection.

      1. Awww, yes. I just snapped at my partner yesterday for this. He was holding the baby so I could have some precious ‘me’ time (to eat dinner, run laundry, and whatever else I can squeeze in in about 40 minutes). He started following me around with the baby trying to get close and cuddle up. I lost it… I think I said omething along the lines of “NOBODY TOUCH ME!!”

        I know it’s not fair to him, and I did apologize. But really, imagine having someone literally attached to your body the whole day! You really do need your space, and the last thing you want is more human contact.

        That said, explain nicely how you feel and maybe start with holding hands during a movie once the baby falls asleep. It’s not personal and it’s not forever.

  3. Thanks so much for this article, I have experience of low libido as a result of breastfeeding, even though my husband kept on explaining to me that I should exercise patience I got soo worried at a point.The more he tries to have sex the more I refuse and sometimes it feels terrible. I feel better after reading this article loud and clear together with him. Hope partners will understand mothers and marriage will still be enjoyable

  4. Thanks so much for this article, I have experience of low libido as a result of breastfeeding, even though my husband kept on explaining to me that I should exercise patience I got soo worried at a point.The more he tries to have sex the more I refuse and sometimes it feels terrible. I feel better after reading this article loud and clear together with him. Hope partners will understand mothers and marriage will still be enjoyable. We both wait patiently to see the improvement in my sex drive after I wean the baby, before then I will practice the one’s you suggested to make us happy. Good luck to all breastfeeding mother’s and stay blessed Kelly Winder

  5. I’m so glad that I’m not alone. I have 2 kids the first one is 7 years old & i had no problem at all of having sex after birth cos because i think with the hormones & everything i was even more horny than before & my orgasm was amazing we had sex 10 days after birth. But now unfortunately with my second baby he’s 6 months old I’m so dry, not interested in having sex with my husband & i was also worried that I’m no longer find him attractive. I love breastfeeding my baby & I’m glad that at least he’s a bit understanding that i keep turning him down all the time. Thank you for explaining all of this i will definitely make him read this article so he can have a better understanding too

  6. i have a 1 and a half year old daughter, i am still breast feeding her, she is the love of my life but i think its time to get her off the “boob”. i have no sex drive, whatsoever and i was starting to think that maybe i am not attracted to my husband anymore. reading this article made me realize that i might be totally wrong, and it might be because im still breastfeeding. my husband constantly wants us to have sex but i just am not turned on…..and when i don’t let him he gets mad at me. And i do feel guilty for leaving him like that but i just can’t have sex when i don’t want too.. i feel like he’s just sexually frustrated, but i dont want him to go look for someone else. its very difficult for me to get in the mood and well he doesn’t understand me. i honestly don’t know what to do anymore and i need some advice….

    1. Stopping breastfeeding may not fix it. Breastfeeding is just one piece of the puzzle and some mothers find they still have zero sex drive even well after they stop feeding. There are so many factors, for me it’s not having enough me time, let alone being so tired. I’m always feeling in need or demand. There are a list of reasons why mothers don’t feel like having sex after a baby, so you might like to consider what else might be contributing. We’re living in a society unlike ever before – so much stress, so much to do, so many screens, so many forms of addiction (from technology to food to smoking). Finding the root cause will set you free xx

      1. Im sorry but as a man what youve just said in reply to that women’s comment made no sense.
        Give the man sex and stop breastfeeding would be a better response!

        1. Wow, that certainly seems like it would be a selfish answer. “Give the man sex and stop breastfeeding”. The solution isn’t as easy as stopping breastfeeding and there are additional factors that contribute to no/low sex drive.

  7. This one is really educative…. I have 3. kids now.. my urge for sex returned very early when I had my first one but not with a the other two… infact the last one is totally no feelings at all and I thought I was medically not well…
    This is really good news for me cos have felt guilty of depriving my husband of sex for the past 7months

  8. It’s been 13 months since my son was born and I STILL have no sex drive. Thanks for the education!! Now I don’t feel so clueless!

  9. This is a well written article. However, as a husband, I feel that a little suggestion can help the situation. I stumbled on this because of the need for help in my relationship with my wife after child birth. To reduce the stress level on the husbands, nursing mothers should have time to hug their husbands, make them feel welcomed even without Sex. Moreover, during lactation, the breasts are fuller and thus they attract the husbands more. If this is done, we can improve our intimacy with our spouses.

  10. This makes me feel better… I’m gonna go show my boyfriend right now lol I had no idea that breastfeeding could make my libido so low. But to top it off I’m nursing twins! Plus I have a 4 year old daughter. My boyfriend doesn’t help me much and he doesn’t understand how exhausting it is. He works Alot so it’s just me and the kids most of the time. Then I FINALLY get all the kids down and he always wants to snuggle and have sex and I’m so exhausted and I feel like I’m finally able to have some “me time” where someone isn’t always pressed against me. All I want is my own space and we are starting to fight about it Alot because he feels I’m no longer attracted to him. But this article has really opened my eyes as to why I feel this way ! My twins are almost 6 months old and I’m trying to breastfeed for at least another 6 months so he’s going to have to be patient a little longer.

  11. Ok, as apparently the only man on here, I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by the untold male perspective. First let me say these are generalisations, definitely not true of everyone.
    Everything is correct here and proper communication and mutual understanding is the obvious key to success in any relationship. But a whole half of the story has not been acknowledged. Perhaps because men don’t vocalise their feelings, or even really understand them l, we seem to imagine they don’t exist.
    What hasn’t been said what is happening this whole time to the man. Sex fulfills needs a little differently for women and men. In a mature relationship in men, this is how men get their emotional fulfilment. It’s how they feel loved. This seems to be a very poorly understood issue. It doesn’t matter how many romantic dinners ect you have, he will still feel unloved and a desperately lonely. This is amplified by the physical needs, which turns loneliness into resentment and frustration/anger and this is where you get your typical “resentful child” from. Don’t get me wrong, he needs to understand your situation and why you don’t want it. Communication is essential and he should be trying to help you in every respect (as linked), but know this is a serious problem for him. In a way you can’t imagine l, he can’t just turn off the tap. Even if you tell him you love him every day, and he knows it on an intellectual level, he won’t be able to truly feel loved and this is key, and the reason a lot of strong relationships can fail here. He can literally fall out of love, because he has no emotional fulfillment, no love.
    That is the male perspective. It is quite simple, primal and doesn’t really make a lot of sense – but that is men in a nutshell, right?
    The solution is always communication, education and actively working on your relationship. If he’s working his butt off doing all of the stuff mentioned and things aren’t working out seek counselling. The truth is, sex is important, and never”just sex”. For men and women it acts on many levels, and is different for everyone. Eventually in every relationship it will die if you expect it to just come naturally when you get turned on like it did at the beginning of your relationship. Unfortunately it can’t be always spontaneous and romantic. Any happy old couple will tell you it has to be manually worked on.
    Relationships are about mutual support and understanding. A trade of time and effort for mutual happiness. It means that you both have to make sacrifices.

    For your own sake don’t overlook the importance of this, work at it. Tell him how you feel and what you need him to do. Try to genuinely remind and convince of yourself how good it is, that you want it. It’s fair to wait a while, your body needs to recover, but past a point you will be pushing him away. Remember he probably feels just as disingenuous giving a loving long massage after a candle light dinner after not having sex for 5 months as you will be having sex with a resentful husband, but before either of you can be back to normal you have to work at it. And trust me, very soon the resentful child will be gone and the man you actually want to love will be back!

    1. Hmm guess I can’t edit that. Was a bit unfair… The truth is most of the time guys simply aren’t helping out enough and don’t understand how intense young children are. If you’ve never had them more than a day or two full time alone guys, you have no excuse. Before you complain about sex, try this – let her have the whole weekend or longer, take them 100% of the time. Meals, bedtime ect. You will know what I mean and you’ll probably find her libido there too. My point was just that girl – sex works different in men and it cuts deeper and harsher than you will ever likely experience. He will eventually need fulfilment, so make sure it comes from you. So sorry for the crazy rant, apologies honestly.

  12. I want to offer another perspective. I’m a husband and father that works incredibly hard at my job and with my family. When I’m not at my job, I’m definitely a 110% parent and husband. Diapers, bottles, dishes, cleaning, or just refilling my wife’s ice water at 3am. I do these things, in part, as a way of expressing my love and affection by filling the needs she has. I don’t hang out with friends, or go out in any way, because that would mean her pulling a double shift. With our first child, I took over all duties on Wednesday nights and most of Sunday so that she could have a life outside of being a mommy. This, of course, means I don’t. What I need in return is love and affection in the form of sexual contact. I can be very flexible with that definition. In short, I do a lot of things that I don’t want to, that I don’t feel like doing, and I do it without making her feel guilty about it. But ask for sex and somehow; in part because of this article, I am being totally unreasonable. At this point it’s been over 3 years since we had anything that resembled a healthy sex life. That’s 9 months of pregnancy, 2 years of breastfeeding, 8 months of pregnancy, and now three months of breast feeding. Sex doesn’t have to be any one specific act, but at some point, denying your partner sexual affection will destroy your marriage. And somehow, I don’t think that breastfeeding is better for kids than a healthy 2 parent family unit. The bottom line is that men and women have different needs, and while it’s fine to take a break from sex while you get your bearings straight on your new life with kids, eventually, you need to get back on that horse, breast feeding or not.

    1. Heya dad, I hear that you’re frustrated with your situation and are craving connection with your partner. I highly recommend getting involved with the Becoming Dad Facebook page (the closed men’s only group) where you can get support and advice from other dads in the same situation. You might find some solutions, tools or even just an understanding ear (or a few!) of men in your situation.

    2. It’s so great to read your post. You remind me of my husband who also likes to be involved to make our family life better overall. I can therefore imagine how you’re feeling…. you’re doing a great job of being genuinely supportive & giving your wife some “me time” to recharge her batteries, which is wonderful considering you’re also working too…. I am confident that your sex life will return, especially because of how much you do to help out. Our sex life actually became BETTER after kids would you believe.. We build chemistry between sex sessions by having lots of affection & compliments (both ways). Sometimes it helps to also have an open conversation about sex & your likes without any pressure to have sex after it, & also no criticism from either side; your wife might be surprised to learn of what intimacy truly means to you. . & similarly you might learn more about your wife’s needs at this time (in relation to sex & intimacy) It can be a conscious effort to build intimacy (after kids) but once you get back into a good place it’ll be worth it. You’re doing a great job making a contribution as a father & husband.. I wish you lots of positivity moving forward

    3. Yet another dad here feeling unloved and unappreciated. I can completely identify with Sexless dad and also understand the ladies side of the story too.
      It’s been more than three years since the birth of our wonderful girl and I love my wife and daughter so much. I work full time so my wife could give up her job and look after our baby. I get up at 5 and she gets up at 10 but she is still tired. I have hired full time live in help to do the housework and cooking and help care for our daughter. I don’t go out with the boys, I don’t drink or even play sports – all my spare time goes into time with my daughter and /or wife. I have now no other life.

      I understand the artical and points of view but us dads need some emotional care as well to make this family work.
      Yes my wife is still breastfeeding, but only two-three times a day, more for comfort and bonding and this surely will stop soon as my daughter starts preschool. My wife’s period is back +two years and we had such a great sex life before pregnancy and now it is just turned off.
      Reading this information on here is all well, and understanding there is physical reasons for this helps, but .. Personally I am very frustrated and feeling quite unloved by my wife. – meanwhile my daughter makes me feel so loved I would just like to give up work and take care of her, but I have dug my own grave here with my wife not willing to go back as our daughter needs her. I have tried to provide everything for them and feel I am taken for granted , love being rejected, and my efforts unnoticed now as just the way it is.
      I have talked though my sexual desire but she just does not feel in the mood for sex. She can’t even sleep next to me at night as I am too hot. I believe she still loves me but my feelings are ebbing.
      I am sticking with it till school stars and hoping it will change. In the end I will have to suckitup to keep the time with my daughter but for us guys it is hard.

      Ladies please understand and help.
      Even as Satisfied Dad writes below would be heaven for me.
      Kala – good comments and supportive advice below. Thanks.

      1. I know this article was written some time ago, but after reading your comment I had to write a reply. You sound like an amazing husband. If you have hired help to clean and cook, I think you should suggest to your wife to go to therapy because there is no reason for her to be so tired. Plus your daughter is 3years old!! It’s time to stop breastfeeding. I have 4 children ages 9,8,5, and a 2 month old, whom I nurse. I also homeschool them and do most of the cleaning and cooking. I am tired. Your wife shouldn’t be. She needs to appreciate what she has or someone else will. I’m just keeping it real.

  13. I have come across your article today and I can’t express how much it has helped me. I have a double struggle – I am still breastfeeding our baby who is 13 months and our 4th child, and struggling with Graves Disease, both known inhibitors of libido. My husband has actually been fantastic and my libido has finally returned along with my first menstrual cycle, but understanding why it has been absent has helped me enormously to understand and accept the months in between. Thank you so much.

  14. I have read every article I can find and nothing seems to fit how I feel. I love my husband so much. There is not another person in this world that I would want to be on this life journey with. I had our first and only daughter 18 months ago. Having her filled me with joy and filled a empty whole in my heart. My husband is a wonderful father and works so hard to provide for us. We both work full time jobs, I work day shift and he works nights. Anyways the problem is I have no sex drive! Nothing, not even a little. He tells me I’m beautiful, my extra weight makes me look better, he loves me, blah blah blah. The thought of having sex makes me want to puke at times. I feel like a horrible person for saying that but its true. After the baby goes to sleep he always tries to turn me on but I feel nothing and it annoys me. I usually give in once a week or so to please him but it does nothing for me. I know it hurts his feelings and ego when I turn him down. In my head and heart I want to have sex all the time with him but the touching and feeling of it I want nothing to with it. Before I got pregnant even while I was pregnant we had sex all the time at least once a day sometimes more. I just dont understand what is wrong with me?

  15. From a guys perspective, I completely identify with “Sexless Dad”. One thing that I can say has helped me scheduling sexual affection. I know that may sound completely unromantic but lets face it, its not going to be romantic no matter how we set the scene under these circumstances. You can negotiate on frequency but for me once a week has been ok.

    I know that my wife is not in the mood so penetrative sex could actually be painful even with lubricant which we have accepted. So I get some kind of oral sex which is great. To make it even better she sometimes blind folds me so that I don’t know what I’m getting and then she mixes it up a bit. Get creative, use ice, a new lubricant like tingle, etc…

    My wife is a champ in this regard and I really appreciate her effort. As a result I end up actually wanting to help more as I want to make her happy too. Maybe this will help someone out there.

  16. My son is now 5 months and as hard as I try, as much as I WANT to be turned on, nothing happens. It’s like a fuse has blow and you’re trying to get the lights to go on, they won’t no matter how many times you flip the switch. HOWEVER! I have gone through no-libido issues before and I know how to keep our lives intimate. My husband LOVES oral sex and it’s really easy to get into that. The more he enjoys it, the more fun I have, which leads to him enjoying it even more and so on. I’m making him happy and I don’t have to pretend or spend a bunch of effort getting turned on when I just don’t want to anyway. I think it’s a great solution to my problem of just having no desire for sex at all. Anyway, this article helped ease my mind (It’s been bumming me out cuz man, who doesn’t love getting off right?!) so I feel a bit better about it. My baby is worth it, and it’s a small price to pay to give him the best 🙂

  17. If you really want to bring back sex into your marriage, you have to try for it. Don’t just lay in bed breastfeeding a sleeping baby feeling bad for yourself because you don’t feel a sex drive. Laying down and sitting to much is the problem not breastfeeding.

  18. So the dads posting feel like they deserve sex even if we don’t want it for taking care of their own chchildn. They NEED it to feel loved? So basically we should allow ourselves to be raped so you will help out ( with YOUR CHILD, BY THE WAY) and dont feel rejected?! wow, I see the reason for so much Divorce lately!

    1. Did you read the comments by these men at all? Or for that matter the women? Most if the moms on here are saying how much they want to want it, but can’t. I hardly think “rape” is the appropriate word to use here.

      This article has excellent information, but, as others have said, doesn’t take into account the male perspective at all. In fact, it seems to be actively encouraging women to continue denying their husbands.

      The fact is, whether you like it or not, men are hard-wired this way. Just like my wife needs me to compliment her and shower her with gifts to feel loved, I NEED her to show me love and affection through physical contact, including sex. Even the most patient of us get frustrated. My daughter just turned one and I can count on my fingers the amount of times we have had sex in that time period. As a person who craves physical contact that has led to some major frustration.

      Your mindset is wrong. Maybe you are in a situation where the dad doesn’t help out unless they feel sexually gratified, but don’t project that onto all men. Many of us do nothing but work for our families, and rejection gets hard to take after a while. There has to be mutual effort. I may not want to do something my wife asks me to do, but I do it because I love her and she asked me. It shouldn’t be so much to expect her to reciprocate a bit.

  19. What if you’re the other way inclined? My libido is way higher since having my girl 4 weeks ago. All I’ve wanted is sex with my husband;I lost my lochia for the first 3 weeks, we did have sex once it stopped but haven’t again since as I’m waiting for my contraceptive pills to take effect and we have no other form of contraception. I am breastfeeding our girl, using a dummy to help her sleep as she overfeeds and spills (this was recommended by my midwife). I’m worried that my milk will dry up early or that my body isn’t producing the correct hormones?

  20. I’ve been in this situation now..i feel so guilty every time i refused to have sex with my daughter is already 1 year & 1 month. but nothing has changed.. i still don’t feel the excitement of having sexual intercourse with him.

  21. Good article/info; my wife helpfully e-mailed me this, however, unlike most men (I assume) I was well aware of the hormonal/evolutionary reasons libido lowers after having a baby/when breastfeeding. Unfortunately evolution did not ‘be nice’ and do the same for us (dads), perhaps as in cavemen times we would simply ‘go find another mate’ if our partner was not taking of our biological needs (better for species success?). This means post baby, especially if out partner is breastfeeding (which I encourage, as what’s good for baby is most important!) we have a choice. We can either cheat (follow hard wired-programming, break ethics/morals) or remain faithful, and accept we will suffer very real mental torture for months/years (break our programming-I go for this option). The thing is, it doesn’t matter how many logical/moral reasons we give ourselves that you don’t want sex, its natural, we should leave you alone, our sex drive doesn’t go ‘oh I see’ and turn off. Our deep primal instincts couldn’t care less that prolactin lowers libido, your very tired, your doing an amazing job at raising our child etc. All it cares about is ‘are we getting laid? If partner wont do it find someone who will!’.

    I find I can be reasonable/considerate week 1, its doable week 2. week 3-4 starting to go bonkers; I cant help this in the same way you cant help having no libido, its natural for us to still have a sex drive. The sexual frustration twists and distorts your thinking after a few weeks, and you start to deeply resent your partner cant give you 20 minutes relief every fortnight, when they spend hours every day attending to your kids EVERY need! It is especially hard to swallow if, like me, you do loads of housework, childcare, considerate things for wife, yet you cant get this one NEED addressed. If you don’t want sex, how about a blow job once a fortnight, is that too much to ask (yes, I KNOW ‘it is’)? Some of the suggestions in this article (giving a massage, taking a bath together) would serve to further dads mental anguish at not getting laid. Intimacy, does not have to be sexual though sure, I have the added upset that my wife does not show affection (unless she gave birth to you) which is alien to my family/instincts. Before I had kids I had also assumed that my wife would give about 80% of her time/love/consideration to the kids, 20% to me; I had not realised its more of a 99/1% split, which can make sexual/affection rejection all the more hurtful!

    Anyway, good to have a rant, this is very bloke-sided I know, but the article is more woman’s perspective. I can probably cope for a few months of torture, I don’t know how men are coping with years though (their partners risk loosing them)! The kids care is most important however, and I don’t think women should have sex if they are not ‘into it’ (they should try to OCCASIONALLY ‘get into it’ though!). I do think they need to appreciate their man is going through hell though (I know you are too, in different ways), and might say/do stuff he shouldn’t because of this!

  22. I am reading this as research to determine whether I am going to breastfeed our baby. I do understand the benefits of breastfeeding for the baby and even the mother , but I do feel that my partner will feel left out . Not only deprived of the special bond forming between mother and baby , but also because mom just is not into sexual bonding with the partner anymore.

    Months , is hard enough to imagine without sexual contact . Years ?? ( Yikes !!) . Probably a huge misconception here is that only men feel “loved” by having sex , we women NEED it to . As I always say : Actions speak louder than words. Saying “I love you ” a million times , could never replace physical contact.

    So I am conflicted : Who actually comes first here ? My partner or the baby ? I am still deciding on which course will be best for our situation, but I do feel as in all things RELATIONSHIP , compromise on both , my partner’s and the baby’s side will be called for …

    I also want to feel loved and wanted , not only NEEDED!

  23. Am I the only one whose sex drive dramatically increased after having a baby? Its been 9 months now but I can’t remember a single day I didn’t want to do the deed

  24. I can understand women not wanting to have sex the first 6 weeks after having a baby. And I think a doctor will tell you to wait that long. As far as a wife or partner not ” being in the mood” to have sex as a reason to not have sex is insane and selfish. Some of the poor guys on here doing everything they can to help and still not getting any sexual release. Come on ladies spread your legs for 10 minutes 3 times a week. You also have mouths and a hand. Get creative. Guys need sexual release. It makes us want to do nice things for you. Makes us feel loved. To the guys that havent gotten sex for months at a time. Grow a pair of balls , if my wife didnt give me some form of sexual release atleast twice a week, forget her. That is sooo incredibly selfish i can’t even believe it. If your wife can’t give you 30 minutes a week for sexy time , time to say bye

      1. Reading an article about why she doesn’t want sex is fine if, after waiting 6 weeks, she’s asking her husband to be patient for 3 more weeks…maybe a month. But some of these people in the comments are dealing with 6 months, a year or longer. At that point, it’s not about the reasons why, it’s about everything she’s doing to fix it. At that point, she needs to be acknowledging that it’s a huge problem and showing him everything she’s doing to make it better.

        The conversation needs to go like this:
        “Honey, I appreciate all the patience you’ve shown so far, I acknowledge that this is a huge problem and that I need to be more proactive about finding a solution. Here are the things I’m doing to get back on track.” Then present a list of at least 5 items.

        “Also, until I’m back to normal, here are the things we CAN be doing until I get there.” Again, a list of at least 5 items, 3 of which have to involve physical release for her husband. After 6 months without sex, oral is a great place to start, a massage that doesn’t involve a happy ending isn’t – after 6 months, it’s an insult.

  25. Well this article is news to me. I’m surprised by the fact that Introducing solids can resume menstruate cycle and thus libido. But this is exactly what happened. Started solids about 3 weeks ago and bam my period started. I’m still breastfeeding but I’m also giving a little fruit here and there and my LO is 5 months now. My libido has come back with a vengeance. Husband working full time and he is to tired for sex. Doesnt sleep well… helping with baby after work etc… The worst part about breastfeeding when your libido had returned is that it is sexually stimulating… with no release. Frustrating to say the least every time you breastfeed. Had I known this I would not have started my girl on solids especially since I am going to continue breastfeeding her for at least 1 year. I don’t know how I’m going to last the next few days.

  26. My wife is amazing and what she does for our children is amazing. But just sometimes I wish that she can understand how I am feeling. It is very hard when you give your all and get nothing in return. It’s getting to a point when she says I love you it doesn’t mean anything as she never shows it. I now sleep in a separate room because if we are in bed together she doesn’t like me touching her even if I try to cuddle. I have suggested seeing someone but she refuses to do it. There are always excuses and I’ve tried everything to get her interested bought her toys tried talking about it but nothing. Issue is it’s been like this before we’ve had children but I love my family and do t know what to do. It’s so gut wrenching being rejected all the time I mean we are young we should be adventurous and experiment but this doesn’t happen. I sometimes think that I’m only wanted to help out and I don’t kind as they are my children too. But I am also human and also need attention from my wife. Even when I suggest we go away for a weekend when the children can be at their grandparents she doesn’t want too.

  27. I know I shouldn’t ask my wife for anything sexual but find it hard not to. I have flat out told her I’m not worried about having sex but just a cuddle or kiss would be nice (a handjob would just be amazing). However, she gets annoyed when I try to hug her or offer her a massage or go in for a peck on the lips. I fully understand i will have to wait until she is ready for sex but dont fully understand why she wont even touch me. I know it’s not her fault but I do feel like I need just the smallest bit attention affection

    1. Forgot to say I have a baby of 5 months and a 4 year old. No sex of any kind at all not even hand stuff since month 2 of pregnancy. I love my wife with all my heart and would never look else where. So I feel as if I am going to explode!!

  28. What happens when breastfeeding goes on for years? I’m approaching the point in which I can’t take it anymore, it’s been 2 years and the number of times I had sex with my wife is depressing, I tried talking, I tried not talking…
    It’s just too stressing to see my beautiful wife everyday in underwear and not being able to do anything, masturbating doesn’t help anymore, 10 mins after and back to stressing, to being nervous.
    This also affects my relationship with our beautiful daughter since I can’t take my mind off of it.

    It’s so sad but I can only feel closer to good when I’m alone 🙁

    1. After two years, it may not be breastfeeding any longer… the less frequently a baby feeds, the more hormones start to adjust. There could be a multitude of other reasons, including a lack of connection, or sheer exhaustion (it goes beyond the newborn days!). There are some books for men which I highly recommend, I’ve mentioned them in this article about why women lose interest in sex after having a baby. But it might be worth getting some mentoring or coaching from a man, and father, who gets it. Again I have mentioned some names in the article I just linked. It is hard. And trust me, we want to feel connection and all that love too. But you both need some support and guidance to navigate this difficult time, so you can reconnect again. Good luck!

  29. My baby is 30 days old and I had no sex drive while pregnant with him. I exclusively breastfeed on demand. My desire for sex was back into full effect around the 3rd week postpartum. But I’m pretty dry down there.

    Does having a sex drive mean I’m ovulating or a period could be coming? I want my husband everyday now.

  30. I have six children and with the previous 5 children I’ve always regained my sex drive after giving birth. But my sixth child is now 18 months and I’m still not really into it.. I also have vaginal dryness which I didn’t have being with the previous 5 children post birth.
    My sixth child is still breastfeeding during the night (he’s 18 months and a very late teether so I’ve had to go with his development, not by my usual weaning rules. He also will also feed 2-3 times during the day. With all my other children I always night weaned at 1 year old or earlier.
    I definitely think it is connected to my sons heavy and prolonged breastfeeding, he is also very big for his age.

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