How do you find the strength....

[Possums]

How do you find the strength to keep going/TTC and be positive and actually also live and enjoy life, after either experiencing many treatment cycles, or many BFNs, or losses....?? (or whatever combination of those you may have dealt with).

I am struggling to find that inner strength and positivity after my recent miscarriage at 8.5 weeks, on top of what has been a hard year...DH and I really thought we'd made it, but now find ourselves in the same awful, out of control, limbo we were in before, combined with feeling grief and loss. Wondering how many more cycles? Plus the fear we may never have a baby of our own.

So many people here have been so wonderful and supportive to me, I thought there might be more suggestions or wisdom from personal experience out there...I know in part I simply need time to grieve and move naturally to the next stage...but I am the lowest I have felt for a while, and I thought there might be some things I can do to help myself through or adjustments to my way of thinking.

One thing DH and I have discussed, after receiving some advice here, is to focus on ourselves again, and on just really try living and enjoying life, outside of TTC/IVF etc. We are going to try and make a big effort to do nice things together(picnics etc) and also get back into the sports/outdoors stuff we love (surfing/hiking etc)... we can't start IVF again until Jan so we have some totally free time for a while.

To be honest, I had perhaps underestimated how tough this would be...it's just hit me really hard this time. I find going to work and socialising etc really really hard...luckily I have a few lovely girlfriends and a wonderful Mum and DH to help me through. DH is also pretty stressed out, dealing with this as well as a stressful job.

Anyway,I know perhaps there aren't any real answers to this one, but I'd be happy to hear of your experiences/thoughts.
Emma.

[sushee]

Hi Emma,

I don't honestly believe I did manage to stay positive, or move on. I think for me, the idea of giving up was far more difficult to cope with than the idea of having to have that next cycle. Sometimes, if I knew I had to have a break between cycles, I was in fact able to stop focussing on IVF and cycles for a while, but on the whole, it was under my skin, and I kept at it because it was a necessary to me as breathing.

I always believed that the time would come when I either found success, or the pressure and emotional strain of continuing would start to outweigh the pain of giving up. I think that point is different for different people. But I do know that I was close to giving up by my 8th cycle, which was the cycle where I fell pregnant to my son Charlie.

So basically I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't think I ever felt like I found strength. I know people have said that I was strong, but I never felt like I was while I was in the middle of it. I didn't feel positive, I didn't feel balanced, I felt nuerotic and angry and negative and obsessed. And I actually think that is far more natural and normal than people think it is.

I think you're completely normal being feeling emotionally drained, and physcially exhausted after all you've been through, and it's natural for you to mourn your loss. I think taking time to focus on your relationship wtih your DH may be what you need to start feeling refreshed and better able to face future cycles. Now is probably when your pain is freshest, and time is a great healer, so while the pain may never go away, I think you will find hope, if not strength, to face the future.

[MsPink]

Oh Emma - it's such a terrible feeling isn't it? The despair and misery is just overwhelming.

You will never forget, but time does make it easier.

How do I keep going..?? Well it is something I have wanted since I was 13yrs old and am not giving up until my ovaries literally shrivel up or until the FS refuses to go further.

As hard as it mentally (and it is soooo hard) I just have to keep going. I guess each new cycle brings just a little hope into my life.

Like you said, you do need time to grieve and I hope after a little time has passed, you too will find the strength to keep going until you get your dream.

[farmgirl77]

I dont know how we keep going, I just think we do because the alternative is too much to contemplate. You have been so through so much over the past few months, dont underestimate the grief and stress, and the amazing strenght that you and your DH have to have made it this far in one piece!

I'm not sure that there are any answers on how we deal with this better - i think it is an individual thing.

I hope that you are able to find some enjoyment and peace over the next few months.

farmgirl

[MeredithD]

Possums - let me start with saying again ... sorry for you loss. I can feel that raw pain with you, its just unbearable.
I would have to agree with Sushee. I don't think think there is a time or way to feel "Strong". I fthere is, I certainly haven't found it!
After my first loss, and even my second, i used to see other peoples sigs with many more angels and wonder how they kept going. Now that i seemed to have become one of those women, I realise that we only keep going because there is little choice. i don't feel brave or strong about my losses but i have no choice but to deal with it and keep on trying. What else can you do? Give up on the hope of a family? Curl up in a ball and never come out? (trust me, this option has sounded really wonderful at time) Personally,trying for another baby probably is an obsession. I can't and won't let it go. Much as i feel i couldn't cope with any more dead babies, I do know that if that were to happen, i would find a way to pick myself up and keep trying.
The added stress of assisted conception really does escalate the emotions. There is sooooo much invested in each cycle ( emotionally and financially).Not falling pg is bad enough but getting that elusive BFP, only to lose such a precious gift, that is just devastating.
I am currently inan enforced break from TTC as I still recover from my last, very traumatic loss but there isn't a day that goes by when i am not thinking about babies, IVF, m/c etc. We are going on holiday in 2 days and yes it will be nice to get away but am I going to truly relax and enjoy? HOnestly, I will be still thinking about getting back home to start another cycle.
So, i guess I don't have good answers or great words of wisdom for you. Do whatever you need to protect yourself and keep yourself sain. Don't expect yourself to be happy and social just for the sake of others. I have become a partial hermit at times as talking with those who don't know or understand is just to hard. Do what is right for YOU and your DH. There is no easy way out of this but you will get through and hopefully soon with a baby to show for all the pain

[Bengal]

Emma,

I feel for you and your loss, I have read different threads and marvel at how caring you are towards everyone, popping in to say hi, and giving your best wishes, that is a wonderful quality to have, to care about others whilst your greiving yourself.

You need to take one day at a time, literally, each day wake up and think I just have to get through today, I am going to enjoy a part of today, I am going to cry a part of today, Im going to reflect and ponder or plan my future for one part of my day, try it, see if one day at a time works to help yourself through.

We wont ever be the same women we were at the start of our journeys, but believe me, you will find strength Emma, one day at a time

[JBM]

emma,
i agree with sushee, you don't really find the strength but you just keep plodding along and then look back and say wow look where i have come from. obviously you're feeling extra sad as it is so soon after loss and it is very hard for you now. don't let anyone say it isn't hard either. my dh said to me when i had # 4 mc " well it must get easier" so stupid. we as women have such amazing strength, sometimes i don't even think we realise it. i am praying for you and i hope you just remember to make some time for grieving and some time for you!, you're the most important person right now. you need all the hugs you can get right now. xxoo

[Possums]

Thanks so much everyone, I have tears in my eyes reading your lovely and caring responses, and also hearing of the pain all of you have also experienced... (plus I am still pretty emotional right now...lol)

It helps me to realise that I can keep going, as you say, without actually having to be a superwoman, who feels positive and robust... lol....I can keep going forward, while also feel sad and angry, or obsessed or resentful... I can feel all those things,I see now, and still be moving forward, both in terms of healing, and towards our goal.
And you are right, I really can't contemplate not having a baby of my own.... we have been told we should set a limit of how many IVF cycles we are willing to do...but I haven't really managed to have that talk with DH because I can't consider the possibility of stopping, without having a baby.

I do marvel at the strength of all of you here and feel for those of you who have been through so much......I try to pop in and comment to others, because I know how helpful I find it, when I am in need. This place can be a lifeline when it feels like the outside world is too hard or just doesn't get it.

I am also relieved to read it's OK to be a bit hermit like...I think I need to be right now...I realise now I can pick and choose what social situations I think I can handle, and that's OK. I had felt like I needed to just go to things, to make myself get back into the world, and not to lose myself in a black hole at home etc. But I realise now, after reading your comments, taking time out for a while is OK.

Thanks again everyone.

[dusty]

Emma I am glad you are holding out your hand and seeking help and comfort from those who can so understand where you are at. I am really proud of you for putting your question out there.

I just answered a similar question in another thread. I don't know if it will be helpful but I feel it relates to your question just as much.

Thinking of you as you know.

xx

[Possums]

Thanks Dusty- that thread and your response and the others is really helpful and very relevant to where I am at right now also.

[Kahlan]

Possum,

I have to admit I cried when I heard your news. It must very difficult for you right now to pick yourself up and continue with daily life. I told DH about your situation and he was literally stumped. He said to send my "dear friend his heartfelt sympathy".

I was very heart broken when I mc in July this year. I spent days searching the internet for stories similar to me but with positive results.. that was also when I found bellybelly. I don't know how I did it but eventually I was able to speak to people about my experiences without bursting into tears so I guess somehow I have drawn on my inner strength to overcome my grief which I think most of us unconsciously do... but I take one day at a time and I like to keep things to myself until I feel I can speak to people in a more composed manner. DH knows this and pretty much helped me become a temporary hermit...lol...

Take care

[Possums]

Thanks Kahlan... partial hermit is what I think I will become....I will stay in when it suits me

I should say again, I am so pleased for you with your news

[Neptune]

Possums/Emma

I can't really add to the wonderful and caring repsonses you have already recieved, but I just wanted to let you know that my heart went out to you for your loss, and i wanted to give you some cyberhugs.

Love
Nep

[tippytoes]

Dear Possums
Sorry you have to go through this...

Reading your thread....it could be me about 3 months ago. It took a lot for me to move past my miscarriage too. I don't actually believe I'll ever really get over it.. It really could be so many of us.

I was also not wanting to go out, didn't want to back to work. Man, it was just so so hard and emnotional. I felt jipped, ripped off and so devastated.

It is also really hard to deal with seeing pregnant women, babies etc. My SIL fell PG very easy with all her children adn is now PG with number 3. It can be so difficult to deal with. I think we all have moments of feeling angry, jealous and resentful.

Give yourself time. Honestly, you need time to grieve and deal with this in your own way. We will be here for you all the way. Just take each day as it comes.

I dont know how we keep going, I just think we do because the alternative is too much to contemplate

Farmgirl, I think you nailed it on the head here hun.

Hope the rain clears soon....it will....just keep looking.

Many hugs to you Emma

Rach xx

[Possums]

Thanks Rach- I feel all those things you described. My SIL is pregnant right now and others around me have fallen pregnant so easily. I find it so hard to see women with little babies...or breastfeeding etc. I feel like crying and angry all at once.
And yep, ripped off, devastated, resentful, angry, frsutrated.... so glad to know I am not alone in walking this range of emotions, even though I am sad anyone else has to suffer through it.

I also don't really enjoy my job...and not having an 'end date' once again is tough.

hope you get a BFP by christmas.

[Shell08]

Dear Emma,
I really do feel for you, it has also happened to myself in Oct aswell. And you do ask yourself, how do you go on? You look at ALL the 'how's' & the 'why's'. I know what you mean seeing 'pg things' all around you, I Direct a child care centre and seeing those children brings tears to my eyes everyday. And whats more hurtful is when parents come in and say....'oh, im pg again, i wasnt even trying'. I just grin and bare it, I actually only went back to work last week after having 3 weeks off from my miscarriage, i sooooo wish I was walking into an office job! I find what helps me is just venting to my DH & to write in my diary most nights, it's just a 'reliever' and I feel it helps me get through the day to day, I never thought I would see myself having a personal diary, but I am so glad I have one, it is also is just time to yourself, which is nice.

Sending you lots of
Shell xo

[Cuddlepie]

Emma, I am sorry that you have to go through this heartache sometime life can throw some surprises our way at the time we least expected. Just like you and DH, we felt so blessed and thought we made it when we first found out we were pregnant July last year. I m/c at 8wk5Ds, it is a missed m/c as well, bub's heart just stopped at 2nd scan. It was the worst day in my life and reading your post, I have tears in my eyes and felt my heart is breaking all over again.

How do we go on? I wasn't sure at the time but I allowed myself to take one step at the time, grief, be sad and have a break. The silver lining for me is, as heartbroken as it is, that was my very first pregnancy, and I know I CAN get pregnant, the reason for the missed m/c is due to chromosonal abnormalty but my body responded to pregnancy really well. To me, find the answers is also part of the healing process to move on.

I agree with Sushee, we don't have to put on a brave face if we don't feel like it. Be true to yourself. I don't force myself to be a superwoman, I curl into my sanctury when I need it, but I do allow myself to have hope. I try not to plan too far away, because I find as much as i like to plan, thinking too down the track somehow confuses me, scares me and depress me...I would never have thought that we have the strength to TTC for 5 years, but here we are, still going.

I also know what you mean about how many cycles IVF we do until we say 'stop'. We have said we will do 3, now we are just about to start the 3rd cycle, maybe 3rd time lucky. But I don't want to force myself to make that decision right now. I always believe that you can't make the right decision until you are then and there to know exactly how you feel.

So there, I don't have much wisdom to offer but I know we all do, at the end of the day, chasing the dream we want it so much, no matter where we draw our strength. Because the desire of wanting a baby is too hard to stop.

Take care of yourself Possums, knowing that we are all here when you need some support.

[Possums]

You ladies are wonderful...thanks so much. It helps just to hear your experiences...how you survived them..to know my feelings are normal and things others have (sadly) also experienced....plus you are all very strong and inspire me..

one of the hard things I find, is that everyday people out there, who havent been through anything like this, have very little understanding, even if their heart is in the right place.
Shell-Working at a childcare centre would be so tough- how strong you are!

and yes, I guess we can never erase that horrible day of the scan with no heartbeat from our minds...but in time, it will be easier to cope with.
Cuddlepie...I too felt like I would just break that scan day. I cry thinking of it ..
And yes, my OB reminded me that the good news is I know I can get pregnant...

I guess already in little ways, I am healing and the days aren't quite so hard to get through as they were last week..sometimes I actually enjoy moments of the day