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Thread: TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after 1st trimester ~ December 07

  1. #127

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    tm- i am so sorry for the loss of your fil. you know too well all the things i could say, and that they provide little comfort. time will never erase the pain, but perhaps will allow the burden to become bearable for you all. he will live on in your memories and your hearts. xxoo


  2. #128

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    TM - I am so sorry about your FIL. My prayers are with your family.

    Barbara

  3. #129

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    Sad news tm- hugs to you and your family. Take care of eachother through this time. xoxoxox

  4. #130

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    Hi TM. I am very sorry to hear about the passing of your FIL. I will say a prayer for him and for your family. Take care.

    Also it has been a few days since I wrote. Last time I was saying that DH and I had been having some troubles communicating. Friday night we sat down and really explained to each other how we were feeling - turns out we both felt like the other was shutting us out. So since that heart to hear things have been so much better. I feel like we are on the same team again.

    I went to the SIDS support group last night. Klee - thanks for your post. I found the evening to be of great help. DH also enjoyed it and really opened up and spoke. I was very proud of him. It was so comforting to hear others speak of their grief - it reassures me that all my feelings and thoughts are normal. It was hard to walk into the room and even harder to tell our story (and yes I shed many tears) but also it felt empowering. So we will definitely be returning.

    Hope the rest of your are doing well - anyone waiting on AF etc? I think I will be O in the next couple of days. Today is my birthday, and DH is on the 23rd so it would be a lovely birthday present!!!

  5. #131

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    WellI just don't know what to do. i am supposed to go to a wake tomorrow for my mom's uncle. It is an hour and a half away. tomorrow is valentines day and anthony's 3 month birthday so i really wanted to be alone with DH. I was going to back out but I just found out my uncle has bronchitis and my mom and aunt were counting on DH and I to drive. Now DH has a cold and may back out. So I wouldn't be able to at least spend the evening with him. I know I am going to end up going I'm just peeved about it.

    Barbara

  6. #132

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    Hugs for anthony's 3 month Angelversary

    I'm so sorry that you are being ambushed to go away on this day. Take care sweetie, its sad you may be seperated form dh, i'm really sorry!!

  7. #133

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    Talked about this more on a different thread, but FIL's funeral is Saturday. One day at a time is what I'm telling myself.

    Katiegirl: I think it's great the way you and DH are talking it out, even though the road's been bumpy. some couples don't talk and wind up straining their marriages.

    Anthonysmom: Of course you want your husband's support right now. I hope it works out.

  8. #134

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    hey everyone!
    back visiting at my parents so here i am hijacking their computer! Damn this moving business, can't wait to get back into my own place! And i hate lack of computer access, I had a moment last night so locked myself in the toilet late when all were in bed. Felt really sh***y as i was there in not the greatest place and had really nowhere else to go as we are still at our friends place. Next time i think i'll just get in the car and go for a drive and blast the music! Then this morning Dh woke up in a bad mood and made a remark about me "spending all night in the toilet" (among various other things) and i was just ready to tear his eyeballs out. Sometimes he can be so insensitive unless it is about him and just started off my day today in the worse way. I know its not helping things being at our friends but ARGHHHHHHH! In some ways i feel he is one of "that group" that think you are past it all and your grieving has finished or you are ok whatever. (don't know how to explain what i am feeling here!) I saw the sweetest little newborn that looked so tiny resting on her mums shoulder today so had a 'that could've been me soon' moment...it was so beautiful!

    now for the rest of you...
    TM - you are in my thoughts and i am so sorry for your FIL passing. Its is one day at a time unfortuneately with yourself and your family but we're all here too if you need!
    Katie- happy belated birthday! I hope you had an awesome day! I was interested in your feedback on the support group, have often thought of it as another avenue to help in our loss but as yet have'nt been proactive enough to do anything. So well done on getting out there - you are doing so much better in that area than me. And glad to hear DH and you have patched things up. It really will make the biggest difference to you both!
    Klee - Lurk but say hi whenever you want! Look at my last post - was'nt really a great one but hey! Thats what this site is for...and you'll be surprised at how much even the smallest statement can help someone in their day! Your shout-out was my small thing! And i have needed that today!
    anthonysmum - i hope the 14th went ok for you and you were able to spend some time with your DH. Sending you hugs! Hope all is going ok for you too!
    take care everyone! xxx

  9. #135

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    Hi Jo - I am so sorry that you have not been able to find a private place for yourself. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to hide your grief and not having some privacy. I hope things are okay with you and DH. I mentioned here that DH and I were having some rough spots and I was feeling so angry with him - but somehow we managed to talk it out without anger or emotions and things have been great since. He told me that he felt Nathaniel and I had our own little team and he was not part of it. He also told me that he realised how much I love Nathaniel and that sometimes he felt excluded. I think it is probably the same way men struggle when a baby is born and the mother has to put all her attention into looking after it - men are not good at being second. So maybe he is feeling excluded? Do you think he would be open to talking?

    And yes the SIDS support group was great - it is called Hope and Healing. A mixed group with losses at different times. It was a great help and since then I have come to realise how well I am doing. It is a great boost to know that.

    We have decided to go away for few days in April over Nathaniel's due date. We will leave on the 23 his EDD and go away for 5 days. Then in May we will do a bigger holiday which will be for us and total relaxation. An old friend who I am not terribly close to called me on my birthday - it was ok but I felt I was making most of the conversation. She apologised for not calling after losing Nathaniel and said she didn't know what to say - so I told her that sorry was enough. She then later asked if I would be up for her wedding 26 April - and I told her we may be away. She knows I was due 23rd, so I don't think she should be annoyed about it. I explained it may be hard for us and that we will probably go away, but somehow I am not sure she was very happy with my answer. Oh well not my problem! I am trying very hard to learn when to put myself first and this is definitely one of those times - if it was a really close friend then I would probably think differently but we don't even know her partner so it doesn't feel as special. That sounds awful but it is going to be hard enough without having to force ourselves to cut short our trip.

  10. #136

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    let me just say that my computer is doing weird things so i hope ths works.

    Jo - first off you need a It must be so hard to be away from home right now. How much longer til the move? I think a nice drive with blasting music sounds like a great idea. Men can be so insensitive sometimes. My DH is good about Anthony but crappy when it comes to so many other topics. IKWYM the could have been moments hurt me the worst. i can't stop thinking about the should haves. i'll be thinking of you.

    Katie - I think going away is a great idea for your EDD. I envy you for being able to put yourself first and saying no. it is so important in times like these. I will be at a bridal shower the day before Anthony's EDD. I am in the wedding so felt like I couldn't say no or ask for a different date. I am so glad your SIDS group went well. I am considering joining a support group myself. other than you lovely ladies of course.

    TM - still thinking about you and your family. hope everyone is healing from the loss of your FIL.

    As for me the 14th was not good. DH came to the wake with me and my family even though he was sick which was nice. but since he was sick I had to do all of the driving . A total of 3 1/2 hours round trip, on a work night. the first person I see when I get there is my mom's cousin who just lost her father (so I understand she wasn't in her right mind) she puts her hand in my stomach and asks how far along I am and how am I feeling. I am speechless so my mom says "no its gone, she lost it." My cousin apologized and I give her a free pass on this she is still in shock. BUT MY MOM DRIVES ME NUTS. I hate how she uses "it", i had a boy, he is my son. and he was not a set of keys that I lost. arghhh! then my mom's aunt who is about 78 told me it was for the best because "the baby was probably deformed." i wanted to say that he wasn't deformed, he was perfect. ten fingers and ten toes. I saw him, held him, and hugged him. i was only able to say i guess we will never know. anyway i am looking forward to having this week off from work (I am a teacher) i remem thinking this week off was supposed to be perfect timing because I would have been 33 weeks and I could finish getting the nursery ready. well i am offto church and then computer shopping. hope everyone is well.

  11. #137

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    Barbara it sounds like you need a big hug as well I don't why people insist on offering the throw away comments like - it is nature's way, there was probably something wrong, mc is very common etc etc. It doesn't make the pain any less and it was your baby not just a thing that didn't work out. We all saw our babies heartbeats, and some even got to hold their baby. That makes it real to us. It sounds like you handled yourself well and you are kind not to judge people to unfairly. Have you told your mother how much it upsets you when she refers to Anthony as 'it'?

    Yes I am getting a bit better at putting myself first. It is hard to not confuse it with being selfish and I still get pangs of guilt but I am working on that. I understand why you can't pull out of the wedding, but I still think that if you find the bridal shower to much you should be able to explain that to your friend. I had a dream about the wedding we are not going to - and it was strange and not a pleasant experience so I taking that as a foreshadowing! I hope my friend understands, I know her mother had 7 mcs so she should, but for some people that doesn't really mean they understand at all.

    As for remembering where you should be - I get that all the time. I should be 31 weeks and I have a big tradeshow to attend over the next 3 days. I thought I would be huge and not able to stand for long periods, but instead I am going to be running around organising everything. Sometimes it all feels like a distant memory, and then it comes right back and hits me.

    TM, I hope you and your family are doing okay?

    Jo, I hope you found some peace and privacy over the weekend.

  12. #138

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    hey!
    For once i had a good whole weekend...we went to phillip island on the sat and spent a great day at the beach with everyone. Beautiful weather and hardly anyone down there was great! And a nice surprise as normally in the heat it is packed! At one stage though mum saw a white butterfly flying around us and pointed it out and my DH said it had been around us the whole time we were at that spot and it made me teary so i walked away. but it was a nice feeling knowing that someone else remembers Jack (the butterflies are our symbol for him) apart from us. Then when we were shopping, mum pointed out a really huge butterfly that was having a ball flying around inside the store and i said that it was like the 2 we had released at jacks memorial service as they were huge and she said that is why she pointed it out to me. So i really think he was around us that day as a day like that was long overdue! Then on sunday we were at my FILs house and had a BBQ and another swim (YAY!) and his brother and 5 mth old baby were there and i was able to hold her with no tears or thoughts of Jack. I just really enjoyed having a baby close to cuddle which was a huge improvement on christmas when i walked in the front door and saw and her, burst into tears and for the rest of the day could'nt even look at her. (horrible, i know, but it was less than a month after, i 'm not gonna apologise for those emotions)
    We DTD a few times over the weekend and unlike most of the other times I have'nt been in 2 minds about the whole TTC process. So we'll see, maybe a nice relaxing weekend was just what my body needed!
    Katie - have you been to your NEW OB yet? i know you saw the other, i hope i did'nt miss a post if you have? Just wondering what they had to say since you have been seeing your natropath? And i think it is my fear of opening up the discussion like with Dh that is stopping me. I might go see my loss midwife counsellor and talk also and get my rubbish out a bit so i am more open to his responses maybe?!? your trips sound really nice, and a good idea! I am really quite nervous about may3rd (jacks EDD), i hope we have some extra money lying around so we can go somewhere also. I'll need to be away!
    barbara - we move on the 25th of march so still a while away! But we are getting closer to the date so i'm just gonna keep counting down. the only thing about the new house will be that we were moving because we were preg so it possibly may bring a few other new feelings up or hopefully will just be a new beginning. But i'll just keep dealing with each challenge. And i am with katie -could you speak to your mother about how she refers to anthony? I know it yet another hurdle to take (and one i yet to take with DH) but maybe it would help for anytime she refers to him in the future. How do you speak to her about him? I use Jacks name and it still freaks people out but as some of you have mentioned, i heard his heartbeat, felt him move and held him when he was born, he is a baby! Has your mum seen pictures, i showed my mum and we went through all his features that my loss midwife had pointed out to me the day after he was born and that was a really important thing for me to do as a mum with my mum. tm -hope you are doing ok!:hugs:

    take care everyone! xxx

  13. #139

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    Hey girls

    Katie - I haven't told my mom about this time she referred to Anthony as it. It is not the only time it has happened. Although my mom also referred to my cousin's baby (before and after she was born) as "it". She just doesn't think before she speaks. Hope all is well with you. Whatexactly is a tradeshow? and what do you do? I hope you don't mind me asking I have heard you mention them before and I was just curious.

    Jo - Glad you had such a good weekend. I love the idea of the butterfly. I am jealous that your mother is so sensitive to you and your son Jack. My mom has not seen pictures since the m/c BUT she actually saw and held Anthony. I don't know if I told you but I went through labor and gave birth to Anthony. You would think my mom would be better with everything since she met her grandson.

    Well I am trying to pull my head out of my butt. I have been a crazy person with TTC. Now I have a head cold, which makes my temps useless (because I am breathing through my mouth) so I am trying to patiently wait. DH and I are renovating our apartment. when you start one job five more pop up. I have been tiling and scraping and all sorts of fun stuff this week. I am trying to concentrate on my new project. AF is due in 3 days and no signs yet. fingers crossed.

    Barbara

  14. #140

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    Hi Jo and Barbara.

    Barbara - obviously your mother doesn't get it, which is hard to understand especially as she had the privilege to hold Anthony. I was talking to someone the other day and they kept referring to a living baby as 'it' - it was so confusing but I just could not have been bothered to correct them. It sounds like you are very busy. It is hard to not get obsessed by TTC. If AF is coming it will be in 7 days for me - and I am fairly certain it will come. I am trying to not get my hopes up as it will be all the more harder when AF rears its ugly head. A tradeshow - is hell on earth! Actually - I represent a destination in Australia and our job is to promote it as a destination for company conferences. So the tradeshow this week was all other destinations and companies that are involved with the conference and event industry. Massive event and exhausting but over for another year. They are hard on the body and feet as I stand around for days, not to mention how much talking I do. I think once I get my BFP I will be very strict about not attending these - I did with Nathaniel and even though I know they had nothing to do with his passing I think it will worry me too much.

    Jo - glad to hear you are getting away with DH for some privacy time. Hope you are doing okay.

    I have to go out tonight as DH's hairdresser (yes that is correct) is moving to Brisbane. The salon is in his building at work and he and other work colleagues all go to her and have become friends. I really wish I didn't have to go as staying at home and watching TV seems far more appealling - I am so boring these days!

  15. #141

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    FIL's funeral was last Saturday and now we're making the adjustment to the new normal.

    This week I had an appointment with the fertility specialist. He did a history and an ultrasound. His working diagnosis is I have some immune thing going on, but he also wants me to have a hysteroscopy if AF comes and do a clomid-challenge test to assess the general health of my eggs. If I get a BFP, I need to get progesterone levels checked. My temps went up and stayed up, so I'm also in the TWW now.

    jo76: glad you're feeling better...

    Anthonysmom: sorry about your experience at the wake. You know, in that older generation, MC was a shameful thing and people didn't talk about it. My grandmother had one and never talked about it, and she wasn't the only one. Thank heaven things are different now, but nowadays everybody just seems to say the wrong things...

  16. #142

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    hi ladies,

    was wondering if i could join your thread?? i dont know if its something that i need to ask but it seems that all of you are quite close and i dont want to intrude. my story is long and am happy to share it with you all if you want to hear it. i joined another thread TTC after MC and loss but i think my story is a bit more like all of yours - there's were all early mc and it is different to loose a 'full termer' as i did to hold them and name them, watch them breathe etc..

  17. #143

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    Simba - You are welcome here. I am just sorry that you have to join us and I send my condolenses for your loss. I lost my son just over nineteen weeks. I had to go through labor and delivery. I had the honor of holding my son. Any loss is devastating but it is a different feeling when it is a late loss or stillbirth. If you are comfortable we are all here to hear your story and give you the support you may need.

    Barbara

  18. #144

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    hi!
    firstly...
    simba - please join us! This site has been the most amazing support and it is somewhere you CAN say anything or ask anything and you will never feel as though you are being judged. I too, went through labour and held my son, he passed at 17 weeks and 5 days. It is the single hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. Share with us all whatever you feel you want to, whenever you want to...it took awhile to open up to some of my friends but here i let it all hang out. Everyone in here i feel very blessed to have found, even under the unfortunate circumstances we have had to endure to get in here in the first place.
    TM - sounds like you are being hit from all angles. Sending you loads of hugs. Glad you have someone looking after you (fertility specialist), sounds very thorough but that may be a good thing. Take care through it all and let us know how it progresses.
    Katie - all your little DH things make me laugh ( in a good way - not meant to insult). My DH shaves his head and he thinks that is maintainance! tradeshows - arghh! I do not envy you at all, i have thankfully not had to work at one (although it was tossed around) but have been to them for a company i used to work for and they are so intense! I honestly don't think i could hack it all day!
    Barbara - it is hard if your mum has held him, i thought about it with my parents but i felt i wanted to protect him from anyone. And then my mum and dad have shed many tears regarding his death that i think seeing him in person may have been too much. My dad raced upstairs to cry when i showed him a mini scrapbook we had all done and written in to have in his box when he was cremated. And he got really insulted that at first i would'nt share photos of jack with him when I had to mum, but mum told him he could'nt handle it which he did'nt. It has been a really emotional time for us and them. My DH s side of the family are the ones who i feel never really connected with what our loss was, an actual baby. From his step mum i get the "it was'nt meant to be", "you'll have another one" etc comments and she has had 2 or 3 m/c s so even though she has'nt given birth to a stillborn baby i still think from her she could be a little more sensitive. His dad who i adore has'nt acknowledged anything since jacks memorial service. Its so hard with family...

    But we are all at mums tonight as mum and dad have gone away fro the night so we though we would have a holiday from our friends house. (hence why i am on here!) It will be a nice relaxing night and i am sooooo looking forward to it....dvds and sitting on their ducted heating vents nice and warm, can't wait! (see katie - you are not the only boring one!)

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