I don't think today could have sucked less if it tried...

My first day back at school the kids were out of uniform, second day was school photos. They were always going to be hard days and I knew I'd struggle...

However I did not expect to hear things along the lines of "are you really sure you should be here?" Especially not when that's followed by "you know you're nearly out of sick days, don't you?". I can understand "you're not doing the best thing by your students if you're not ready to be here"...

But the one thing that really got to me, and has me feeling like a worthless, defective human that needs to be scrapped was "we think the stress of teaching contributed to you losing the baby, perhaps you should take a leave of absence".

I haven't stopped crying since... DH isn't home, and I don't think there's enough chocolate in the world to deal with the way I've been made to feel. Bad enough that I have to deal with the emotional aspect of not being able to get pregnant. Even worse that I have to deal with losing a very much wanted and loved baby. Now I'm being made to feel that not only can I not get pregnant or keep a baby alive, but because of all this I can't do my job!

How do you deal with the fact that your place of employment doesn't want you? How do you deal with the fact that the only way we can afford IVF is for both of us to be working? I feel so worthless, defective, faulty... like I belong on the scrap heap.

I'm not sure whether to throw and smash things or sit here and cry... either way, it doesn't do the migraine-type headache I woke up with any good.

BW