When She Prefers Sleep Instead Of Sex: 5 Things You Can Do

When She Prefers Sleep Instead Of Sex: 5 Things You Can Do

It’s one of those situations almost every man with a new baby finds himself in: his partner prefers to go to sleep rather than have sex.

In fact, she seems to want to do almost anything rather than have sex with you. And when it does happen she really doesn’t seem all that into it – not like she used to be.

The good news is there are things you can do which will have her wanting to have sex with you again. The tough part is it’s unlikely to be instant, and it’s going to take some patience.

When She Prefers Sleep Instead Of Sex: 5 Things You Can Do

But first of all, don’t take it personally. It’s totally normal. Her libido coming back online is more like a marathon than a sprint – you need to see beyond the moment and support her to open to you.

Secondly, you need to understand where she’s at. Most likely, she:

  • Is exhausted from constantly being on demand from your baby
  • Is going through massive hormonal changes
  • Has been through huge physical transformations since getting pregnant and giving birth
  • If she’s breast feeding – she’s expending as much energy as a bricklayer.

Most women are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, tired, drained, with the knowing that the baby’s life depends on her. So if you’re wanting sex from her, it can just feel like another demand on her already stretched energy resources. Compared to nurturing your baby, sex probably isn’t high on the priority list.

So to get good sex back on the menu again (that’s the sex where she really wants it), you need to create space for her sexuality to open again.

Think of her sexuality as a young flowering bush just emerging from the soil. You don’t go poking at it to get it to flower, you water it, shelter it, feed it – and let it grow before it can fully blossom. And just like a flowering bush, it will likely have the occasional early bloom to savour while you keep tending it.

Here are 5 helpful and effective tips that can help to get her back in the mood:

Tip #1: Ensure She Has Time To Connect To Herself

This is essential for her to feel like she can connect fully with you. She needs time without being distracted by baby, work or being a domestic goddess – just time to feel herself.

To do this, just make time for her to be with herself:

  • Let her stay in bed while you make breakfast and look after your baby or toddler
  • Help her to get all the domestic duties done, then take your child on an adventure, leaving her with time just to be with herself
  • Send her out for a few hours to visit friends or do something fun – while you look after the little one (and do the dishes!).

Tip #2: Help Her Sensuality To Awaken Again

Notice I didn’t say sexuality? This will allow time for her sex drive to flower again. She needs space to be able to open. Some practical ways you can do this are:

  • Give her regular gentle massages – and do not expect anything in return
  • Tell her you love her every day at least
  • Tell her what you admire about her
  • Put your sex drive aside and get cuddly with her – just hold her and let her feel safe and held in your arms
  • Find regular non-verbal ways to tell her you love her – making food, buying flowers, buying chocolates, doing the housework, etc…

Tip #3: When You’re Feeling Horny, Keep Your Sexual Energy Grounded!

Feeling your energy all over her and demanding something from her is a guaranteed way to shut her down – she may have sex with you, but she’s unlikely to really want it. And FYI, ‘obligation sex’ is a relationship killer. So to get practical:

  • When you’re feeling horny, breathe your sexual energy in to the centre of your pelvis, and send it down through your legs to your feet. This may sound a little odd, but it works – with a little practice you’ll be able to feel your horniness and leave her space to open to it.
  • Breathe her in – when you look at her and feel desire, breathe her beauty right into the centre of your heart, and on the exhale feel how her beauty feels inside you – again this creates space: as well as keeping you grounded.

Tip #4: Make Regular Date Time

Again don’t expect to ‘get anything’ – just make time to enjoy each other. There’s an art to making dates when you have a baby.

  • Be willing to let go of expectations – your date could be interrupted at any time.
  • If you’re both feeling exhausted or at a loss as to what to say to each other – point it out and laugh about it.
  • Home dates after you’ve put your child or children to bed can be gold – even if it’s just half an hour. But a note on this one, this isn’t going to happen if she comes out from putting baby to bed and there’s a huge pile of dishes!
  • Organise family or trusted friends to look after your little one(s) – even if it’s just to go down to a cafe for a coffee.

Tip #5: When She Does Start To Open To You Sexually, Don’t Go Leaping In Hard And Fast!

Be gentle, tender (remember the tender young flowering bush?) and nurturing:

  • Listen to her body and what she needs – she wants to feel you loving her, not wanting something from her
  • Run your hands over her whole body not just her sexual organs
  • Keep your sexual energy grounded
  • Stay in a feeling place with her – letting your heart open to her invites her sexuality to open to you
  • Don’t overwhelm her with your lust
  • Be OK if it doesn’t ‘go anywhere’ – remember this is a marathon not a sprint, if you can deal with your built up sexual energy in your own time rather than needing her to release it, she’ll open to you that much quicker.

The main take away is she needs time to connect with herself before she can fully connect with you, and the more you help her with that the more she’s going to open and the sooner you’ll both be making great love again.

For more information, check out BellyBelly’s article Why Doesn’t She Want Sex With Me After Having The Baby, which includes a list of common reasons mothers don’t feel like sex.

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Men's Coach, QiGong teacher and Transformational Psychotherapist


  1. I’d like advice on what to do while she is pregnant to get her to feel more connected wanting sex and to talk more openly?

  2. A big reason for not wanting sex after baby, is if she had any tears, and consider what degree the tear or tears are! I had 2 tears, one on each side! A 3rd degree tear, and the other a 2nd degree tear! It took 6 months before I would have sex with my husband again, and even then it hurt! I could feel the tears for a year! So just have patience!

  3. Hello
    A great and realistic article
    But this is an additional pressure on the pair, he returns to home after 10 hours of work!
    After work, there are homework duties to be done.
    when sitting with his wife alone!
    What is the solution or advice?

  4. .Towards the end of the article you say “if you can deal with your built up sexual energy in your own time rather than needing her to release it”. For many religions one can’t just satisfy themselves. I’ve never touched myself in that way. So what are people like me supposed to do? My other problem with this article is you kept things waaaay too vague and general and aside from serving her the article says you’re not getting anything for a while anyways so just deal with it. Sex is a need for a couple (notice I didn’t say man) and while your advice does help the overbearing man, you’ve got to be careful not to let it wither away either or she’ll get in the habit of hardly ever touching you and start to feel distant. The massages can help with that, but she needs to understand while several days out of the week it doesn’t have to go anywhere, it does have to occasionally go somewhere or the fruitless massages can be a detriment as well. I get that this article is geared towards men, but you need to let men know it’s not just a one way street and help them talk to their wives. That’s the one big gaping thing this article left out, helping the man articulate to the wife how sex helps the relationship for both parties involved. Maybe another article you could write.

  5. I just read: “Just wait until she wants to do it again… or resign”. Better to get a lover, or change wife: we should not be subject to someone else’s needs.

    1. Challenges can make us grow or shrink – we all get to choose. You can seek out a mentor who has valuable experience in this (like Jared) and grow, or seek another woman who does not have kids or anything else in her life that makes her exhausted – because eventually, she’ll have periods of not wanting sex either. It is normal.

      You might have your initial oxytocin rush of another relationship, have lots of sex, feel like they’re your soul mate… but as mother nature has it planned, the “in love” experience does not last forever. We’d get nothing done in life if it did… we’d be in the clouds all day, or in bed… haha. Being in love and loving someone are different. Sickness, accidents and disease happen too. If you really loved someone, you’d hope they’d stick around for you, I imagine. But not everyone is up to that either. We all have our journey to live. It’s not always pleasant.

      Whatever decision you have to make is right for you. The worst thing to do is not make a decision and everyone is left miserable, or doing things that make the whole situation worse. Eventually, it will blow up (in a bad way) if someone doesn’t step up.

      1. What if there’s no baby involved and your partner is constantly tired and not showing any interest in love making?

        We both live busy lives so there is little opportunity for us to make love, however it is during this small window of opportunity that my partner just sleeps?

        It’s frustrating and I’m beginning to think that my partner has lost interest in me and our libidos have drifted apart?

        I also appreciate Phil’s perspective on your statement about not be subjected to others needs, so what happens when she does want sex, should I just decide to go to sleep to set a level playing field?

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