My baby has learned to crawl. Those snuggly newborn days spent cuddling on the sofa are well and truly over for me.
I’m into the follow-my-baby-everywhere stage of motherhood and this is nowhere near as enjoyable as breastfeeding on the sofa whilst working my way through the Grey’s Anatomy box set.
10 Worst Things About My Baby Learning To Crawl
She has been crawling for quite a while now but has recently picked up speed. A lot of speed. She’s the Road Runner, speeding off into the distance in a cloud of dust, and I’m Wile E Coyote, desperately trying to slow her down and failing miserably.
Ok, she’s never dropped an anvil on my head but I’m pretty sure she would if she had access to one. My baby learning to crawl has been terrible for me. Here’s ten reasons why:
#1: I See A Lot More Of My Kitchen Now
You know what would be great? A kitchen door. Well, we don’t have one. There is a door-shaped hole between our living room and the kitchen which means my baby can crawl into the kitchen whenever she wants. It turns out that’s what she wants pretty much all of the time.
Every time I blink she’s disappearing into the kitchen and I have to drag my butt off the sofa to fetch her back. I go get her, bring her back, blink, go get her, bring her back, blink, and so it continues. This is her favourite game, she finds it hilarious. It’s not even remotely funny.
#2: The Cat Is Getting Majorly Mad
My cat is not a people lover. She doesn’t even like me and I’m the one who feeds her. She definitely doesn’t like crawling babies. Especially ones who chase after her whilst heavy breathing excitedly.
The cat is getting seriously annoyed at how much of the day she has to spend walking away from a baby who is trying to grab her tail.
#3: She Likes To Crawl Off Things
My baby hasn’t worked out about drops or danger or bumped heads just yet. She just crawls forwards wherever she is. This works fine on the floor but is less acceptable when she’s on a bed or a sofa or a step.
She also crawls onto things she shouldn’t be on, like the fireplace or her sister’s knee. Her bruise to face ratio has increased drastically since she learned to crawl.
#4: She Will Not Be Held
I love holding babies. They smell so damn good and they are just so cuddly. Newborns are the best because they lean against you as though they trust you completely. Mobile babies don’t do this.
Now that my baby can crawl, the last things she wants is to be held. She wants to be on the floor, always. Holding her now is like holding an angry octopus, there are limbs everywhere while she pushes against me in a desperate attempt to get on the floor.
She doesn’t care if the floor in question is covered in dirt or broken glass or dog poop, she just wants to be on it. Now.
#5: She Is Going To Get Run Over At Toddler Group
In the town where I live, there is a beautiful lovely calm little baby group for mothers of new babies. It’s warm and cosy and the woman who runs it bakes fresh cake every week so all the new mums can drink hot drinks and eat cake together.
You can go there and chat about how good sleep used to be and how much your nipples hurt and you leave feeling a million times better. It’s lovely. It’s also only for babies who can’t move so my little crawler just got me booted out of the best group in town.
Now we have to go to toddler group and toddler group is the worst. It’s loud and chaotic and there is no cake. And, worst of all, my baby won’t sit still and play nicely in the baby section, she’s always crawling off into the middle of the room where there are toddlers flying around on bikes and cars. It is only a matter of time until something terrible happens.
#6: She Leaves Raisins Everywhere
It used to be the case that I could pop her down in the middle of the room with a packet of raisins and know all of the mess would be contained to that one spot. I could pick up the leftover raisins at the end and the room would be tidy again. No more.
Now, she grabs a fistful of raisins and then zooms around the room scattering them at will. She hides them in her toybox, under the sofa and on the bookcase. I find them later, days later, and only ever because I’ve seen her crawl back to that place to retrieve them like a squirrel digging through the snow to find the nuts he had hidden during the warmer months.
#7: All Her Tights Are Now Filthy
There is nothing I like more than the sight of a baby in an adorable dress and white tights. Not my baby though because she no longer owns any white tights. All of her tights are floor coloured because she uses them to scrub the floors of every place we go.
I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I just clean my floors more? Well, because it’s not always my floors. It’s the floors of the church halls where we go to toddler group, it’s the floor of my friend’s kitchen and it’s the muddy grass at the park because she wanted so desperately to go down and I got tired of fighting her.
But yeah, I should probably clean my floors more often anyway.
#8: Now She Can Steal Dummies
My baby loves dummies. She’s never had one, but she is obsessed with them nonetheless. When she was younger, she would sit and stare at babies with dummies. Now, she crawls after them.
At toddler group last week, she spent the whole 90 minutes chasing after an older baby and, whenever she caught up with him, stealing his dummy. Right in her mouth. From his snot-covered lips to hers. I spent the whole 90 minutes chasing after her and giving him the dummy back. Worst trip to a toddler group ever.
#9: She Keeps Eating Shoes
We have a lot of shoes in our house. We keep them lined up by the front door. I keep the living room door shut so my baby can’t get to the shoes. Unfortunately, my five year old is not quite as conscientious as me. Either she is forgetful or she is secretly trying to poison her baby sister with shoe dirt.
All too often, I discover the living room door has been left open and that my baby is, once again, gum deep in a filthy looking trainer or jelly sandal. Five second rule? That’s where it’s ok to eat shoes as long as you only chew on them for a maximum of five seconds, right?
#10: She’s Growing Up Too Fast
That little baby that I welcomed into my arms what seems like just moments ago is already crawling. She’s exploring the world and taking charge. She’s already fighting for her independence, her legs of creamy rolls of fat kick against me as she fights to get down, she wants to be in control.
She’s crawling, cruising, standing up. The baby days that seemed so long the first time around are fast disappearing with my second baby. She is so close to being a toddler now but I am not ready to put the baby days behind us yet, I want to slow down time and soak these moments up before they are gone.