You’ll spend your baby’s first year sleep deprived, reeking of vomit and wishing the time away.
You won’t believe strangers on the street when they tell you how quickly time passes, because each and every day seems to crawl by.
You spend your time waiting for your baby to do something new. That first smile, that first mouthful of solid food, that first kiss!
These milestones are an exciting way to celebrate the passing of time, but not all of them will be joyous.
But, there will be some baby milestones that you sort of wish hadn’t happened. And that’s ok, you don’t have to love every moment of being a parent.
Here are 7 of the more frustrating (and less enjoyable) baby milestones:
#1: (For Boys) The First Time He Pees In Your Face
If you have a little boy, it’s pretty much guaranteed that he will pee in your face at some point. He might or might not do it on purpose. Nobody knows. It’s probably on purpose. You’ll take off his nappy, clean him up and, before you’ve had chance to put on a clean one, he’ll pee in your face. Naked time with any baby is risky, but it’s worse with boys because of their range. He will get you square in the face. If you’re lucky, you’ll have your mouth shut.
#2: Rolling Over During Nappy Changes
Rolling over is an exciting milestone. Your baby is getting stronger, she’s becoming mobile – look at her go!
She’ll probably spend weeks attempting to roll over so when she finally manages it, your heart will swell with pride. Until the next nappy change that is. Nappy changes are always difficult. There are too many clothes and too many tiny limbs involved, but as soon as you add rolling into the mix, you get to a new level of difficult.
One minute the baby is in front of you, then you turn around briefly to grab a spare nappy and … baby has disappeared. She’s nowhere to be found, and you’re just dialling emergency services when you hear a giggle from under the sofa. Yeah, she rolled there. Fun, right?
#3: First Time Baby Unveils Your Boob To The World
As soon as she builds up a bit of arm strength and improves her coordination, she’ll be sharing your breasts with the world.
One minute you’re standing in the beautifully warm baby pool, watching your daughter splash with her feet, the next your boob is out. One minute you’re casually chatting to the cashier at the post office, the next your boob is out.
Your baby will become an expert in hooking her hands into your top and releasing your entire breast.
So, yeah, enjoy that. Maybe consider getting the word ‘sorry’ tattooed above your nipple, to save you having to apologise all the time.
#4: First Time You Are Pooped On In Public
Poop disasters are an unavoidable part of parenting. There will be days you have to cut the clothes from your baby’s back to avoid smearing poo in his hair. There will be days you have to scrub poop from under your fingernails with a nail brush.
When poop disasters happen at home, it’s cool. You’re near a washing machine and a shower, and nobody witnesses your humiliation. You’ll just scrape the stuff out of your eyebrows and get on with your day.
One day, though, you won’t be at home. You’ll be at a cafe or a wedding, and you will be covered in poo. There will be nothing you can do to hide it, because, weirdly, you don’t carry a spare set of clothes for you (though you definitely should).
The poo will be visible, strangers will smell it, and you’ll have a long journey home ahead of you.
#5: First Solid Poop
When your baby is six months old, it will be time to let him try solid foods. This will probably send you over the edge with excitement. All those new flavours and textures!
Whether you decide to give baby led weaning a try or use pureed foods, weaning your baby onto solids will be an exciting time for both of you. Your baby will make adorable noises of enjoyment and end up covered in food, and you will take approximately 100 photos each mealtime so you’ll remember how much fun weaning is.
And, pretty soon, it will be time for your baby’s first solid poop. This won’t be the easy-to-stomach mushy poop you’re used to. It will be the regular, adult variety. In a nappy. Yep. Have fun with that.
#6: First Death By Sucking
Once your baby reaches the oral stage, all of your belongings are destined for landfill. As soon as your back is turned, your baby will reach for the television remote, your mobile phone, or the computer mouse. And once she’s got it in her grasp, she will stick it straight into her mouth and gum on it like there is no tomorrow.
By the time you manage to wrangle it from her claws, it will be soaking wet, chewed up and misshapen. Oh, and it probably won’t work any more, either. Sigh.
#7: First Drop
No, not your baby… hopefully.
Knowing that babies drop things as a way of learning will not make this phase any less frustrating. At some point, your baby will start to drop things on the floor – usually when he’s in his highchair, so that he can’t pick them up himself.
This is his way of learning about object permanence, or slavery, or something. He will drop his toy and cry loudly until you pick it up. Then he will smile, drop it, and cry again. Repeat infinity.
Oh, and he won’t just be dropping toys. He’ll also be chucking that hot meal you slaved over down on the floor too. Right onto your carpet. Have fun!