Forget code cracking and cutting eyeholes in newspapers.
If the government wants to find out who would make a good spy, they should give them a sleeping baby to transfer to a mosses basket.
That’s how you can tell who has acrobatic skills, stealth moves and the ability to stay cool under pressure.
James Bond might be good at killing bad guys and reducing women to little more than their physical attributes, but there’s no way he could make it out of a darkened room full of squeaky baby toys without waking the baby.
Things That Will Definitely Happen When You’re Holding A Sleeping Baby
Only mums can do that. And only sometimes. The rest of the time, they’ll stand on the squeaky toys too and then wake the baby up by swearing loudly. We’ve all been there.
Here are 10 things that will definitely happen when you’re holding a sleeping baby:
#1: You Will Get A Tickly Cough
Or a sneeze. Or you’ll desperately need to blow your nose. And, of course, your sleeping baby’s head will be resting right on your shoulder. Aka, in the danger zone. Your cough will boom loudly right into her ear as you bark and hack incessantly until you decide to give up breathing because that sounds easier than disturbing the baby.
You will have snot pouring down your face much like a stubborn toddler who is avoiding his mother’s hankie. And you will stay that way forever because you know that the trumpet sound you make when you blow your nose will wake the baby and you would rather have a face of snot than deal with that.
#2: Facebook Will Scare The Crap Out Of You
You’re a mum, your phone is always on silent. Always. It never makes any noise.
Unless your baby is asleep and then it is guaranteed to go rogue. You’ll be scrolling aimlessly through Facebook and all of a sudden your thumb will clumsily hover over a video and it will start playing. For some unknown reason your phone will no longer be on silent, it will be set to Really Sodding Loud and music will come blaring out of your phone.
If that doesn’t wake the baby, you crapping yourself as you try to turn the video off will.
#3: There Will Be A Delivery
Unless you were smart enough to leave a terrifying note taped to your front door (seriously, check these out), somebody will try to deliver something whilst you’re trapped under a sleeping baby.
They will ring the deafeningly loud doorbell. When you don’t answer it, they will hammer on the door. If this doesn’t get you off the sofa, they will holler through the letterbox. The baby will wake up and you will be forced to answer the door.
Then you’ll discover it isn’t even a delivery for you, they want you to accept a parcel for number 27. Oh, and when you politely accept the parcel and close the door you’ll realise you had a boob out the entire time.
#4: You Will Need To Pee
Some days it takes a painfully long time to get your baby to sleep. You will spend hours feeding, rocking, singing, humming and generally trying not to scream.
On those days, you will find that the baby only wants to sleep on you. And when she does finally succumb to sleep, you will immediately realise that you are desperate for a pee.
You will consider grabbing a nappy from the nappy bag by your feet and creating a makeshift chamberpot but in the end you’ll decide to take the sleeping baby to the toilet with you. This will make fastening your jeans very tricky, but you’ll manage it, somehow.
#5: The Oven Timer Will Go Off
‘Oh lovely, the baby is asleep’, you think to yourself just moments before the oven timer starts beeping loudly. You had forgotten all about that sausage roll you were cooking, of course, so accustomed are you to skipping meals these days.
You will want to stay under the sleeping baby and ignore the oven because, quite simply, there is no way you can get hot food out of an oven whilst a baby snores soundly on your chest. As the room begins to fill with smoke, you will eventually give in and disturb your angry, exhausted baby so you can go and retrieve your now burnt sausage roll from the oven.
#6: Your Phone Will Die
When you’re stuck under a sleeping baby, you really begin to appreciate just how much technology you hold in your hand. You can use your phone to take adorable pictures of your sleeping baby, you can argue with strangers on social media, catch up on your favourite blogs or even listen to a (very quiet) podcast.
Your smartphone is your gateway to society even when you’re trapped under a sleeping lump. Unless, that is, your phone is dead which is will be pretty much every time you are trapped under a baby and unable to charge it.
#7: Your Partner Will Talk Loudly
Men have booming voices. That’s not sexism, it’s just a fact. You were designed for speaking in hushed tones around your baby. Man was invented to Be Very Loud. And loud he will be, especially when the baby is sleeping.
He will shout you from across the house, disturbing the baby asleep in your arms. Even worse, sometimes he will speak too loud from his side of the bed and that will wake the baby. On these occasions, it is totally ok to hate him.
#8: Your Visitor Will Arrive
Babies never sleep when we want them to. Your baby will drift off five minutes before your loud-voiced visitor is due to arrive.
Of course, the baby will have been fighting sleep for hours beforehand and when the visitor arrives and screams ‘Oh my god, what a cute baby’ right in the mosses basket, you’ll have a very cranky baby on your hands.
Good luck socialising over the sound of your overtired baby screaming her head off.
#9: The Toddler Will Start Yelling
Oh, life with more than one kid. You spend about 90 percent of your waking hours shushing your children. Every time your baby falls asleep, you can bet your bottom dollar that the toddler is about to storm into the room and throw a gigantic tantrum.
‘Use your whispery voice’ you will whisper. Your toddler obviously won’t hear that because he’s screaming at full volume. And, oh yeah, look, the baby is awake again. Is it wine o’clock yet?
#10: You Will Stand On A Plug
It’s dark and you’re so busy trying to walking steadily without waking the sleeping babe in your arms that you don’t see the three shards of doom hiding underfoot. As you place your foot down, pain shoots through your heel and up to every single cell of your body.
If you can survive this without waking the baby, you have reached Motherhood Level Maximum. There is nothing more impressive than this. If your baby sleeps through the tears of suffering that are falling from your eyes and the cascade of swear words leaving your mouth, you are The Mama.
