Life with one child; it’s all you’ve ever known.
Your child has always enjoyed the security of being an only child and of having your undivided attention. Your child has been the very center of your universe since the moment he was born.
What happens, then, when another baby arrives and there’s another child in the mix?
The transition from one child to two
The transition from one child to two is different for every family. Although some find it plain sailing, others consider it a significant adjustment. The age and temperament of your eldest child might have a part to play here. The amount of support you have could make a difference, too. The better quality support you have available, the better you’ll handle the transition.
I personally found the transition from one child to two much more manageable than zero to one. Having my first child was a complete culture shock, and I felt out of my depths trying to learn everything I felt I needed to learn to be a great mother. With my second born, I already had the basics in the bag; it was the sibling dynamics I focused on at that time.
What it’s like to go from one child to two
What will it be like for you? How will your child adapt to the new arrival? If you currently have a bellyful of baby, fear not – adding a new baby to your family will be wonderful. Your firstborn will be gaining a sibling for life and you’ll get to watch the bond between them strengthen as they grow up together.
Your child grows overnight
It doesn’t matter whether your first child is one, two or five at the time of the baby’s birth; the next day, he will look about 18 to you.
All of a sudden, he’ll be huge. He might as well have a beard because he’ll seem much older than he did just 24 hours before.
As you cuddle both your newborn baby and your first child, you will marvel at how grown up your first child now seems. He puts the ‘big’ in big brother, that’s for sure.
One child to two top Tip: Try to remember that he hasn’t really grown up overnight. He’s still a child and will continue to act like one.
When you’re looking after a new baby, it’s easy to expect too much from your oldest child. Remember that he’s only little too, even if he suddenly seems like a giant.
Don’t fall into the trap of expecting too much from your older children. They aren’t going to be more mature or better behaved simply because they’re older siblings; in fact, you can expect a behavior regression when their new sibling arrives.
It’s emotional
Having a baby is always emotional. Your hormones are in overdrive, you’re suffering from sleep deprivation and you’re recovering from birth. So it’s totally normal to feel emotional in the days following birth.
Add to that your worries about an older child who might be feeling displaced, and you can expect to cry approximately thirteen thousand times a day. You’ll weep every time your oldest child does something lovely for the new baby. Keep tissues nearby at all times.
One child to two top Tip: It won’t just be you who feels emotional; your firstborn will be feeling the heat too. Suddenly becoming the older sibling isn’t easy. And, no matter how much you prepare in advance, there will be an adjustment period as you all settle into a new routine.
You should expect some tears and tantrums from your older child during this period. Remember to be gentle, kind and understanding. Help your child to voice his concerns and legitimize them by accepting his emotions – no matter what. Although it can be tough to hear your child say he wishes the baby were back in your belly, avoid shaming your child for feelings he can’t help having.
Look at BellyBelly’s article for 8 Tips To Help Prevent New Baby Jealousy.
It’s surprisingly easy
When you imagine adding a second child to your family, you imagine the anxiety and chaos of your first baby, but with the added stress of an older sibling stomping around.
In reality, it’s nothing like that. The second time is easier. You know what you’re doing, you have the benefit of experience and you know what to expect.
You won’t be keeping yourself awake all night, searching Google for silly things or crying because you think your baby might be bored. Instead, you’ll power through, get on with things and then, every so often, you’ll sit back and marvel at how well you’re doing.
The new baby will slot in, as younger siblings do, and you’ll feel like Mum of the Year every time you get two kids to bed by yourself.
One child to two top Tip: Photograph the chaos. Life with a newborn is chaotic and messy and this is never more true than when you throw older kids into the mix. So forget about insta-worthy shots of clean houses and picture-perfect mothers; document real life.
In years to come, you’ll treasure the photo of you, unkempt, breastfeeding a baby one-handed while making dinner at the stove as, in the background, your older kid reads aloud from a school book. You are killing this mom-of-two gig. Document it.
It’s amazing
If you want to see how amazing your oldest child is, have a new baby. Nothing will make your heart swell with pride quite like watching your eldest use a muslin cloth to mop up spit gently from the new baby’s cheek.
The love and compassion your first child shows to the new baby will have your heart fit to burst. It will give you a whole new layer of things to make you proud of your gorgeous firstborn.
And the new baby will love him right back. Don’t think those first smiles and loud giggles will be wasted on you; the baby will save those for her new favorite person in the world – her older sibling.
You might be the one with the boobs, but the older sibling never tires of trying to make the baby laugh or fetch her toys.
One child to two top Tip: To encourage feelings of love and warmth between your babies, avoid using the baby as an excuse not to do things. Your older kid might have terrible timing but try to avoid saying things like, ‘I can’t right now; I’m feeding the baby’. Instead, focus on what you can do, not what you can’t.
It can be tough
It won’t always be easy. There will be times when it feels pretty much impossible. For example, trying to make dinner to feed your hungry oldest child while the baby is screaming isn’t fun.
And neither is waking up a sleeping baby to drag her out in the cold at 8:30 am because you must get your oldest to nursery on time. Of course, some days will be harder than others, but it will all be worth it.
If you’re struggling, reach out to friends and family for help. Remember, you don’t have to do everything all by yourself. It’s perfectly acceptable to accept offers of help, especially in those early days when you’re too exhausted to do much.
Your kitchen will be a mess, your hair will be unwashed and your laundry pile will be sky-high. Even so, you will be happy and your heart will be full.
One child to two top Tip: Beware the witching hour. This is the notoriously tricky block of time around dinnertime and right before bedtime. It’s when babies cry, toddlers become possessed and older kids lose their cool. It’s also usually the time you’re trying to cook dinner, get everybody ready for bed and make it to the end of the day without losing your mind.
The witching hour is inevitable, so come up with ways to make it easier on the whole family. If you know your baby won’t want to be put down, either use a sling or find a way to keep your baby in your arms. Pick meals that can be prepped in advance or require minimal prep so you can focus on your kids during this time.
It’s different
Don’t assume your second baby will be anything like your first. They’re totally different people, and you’ll be able to see signs of that almost straight away.
As well as that, the experience of raising a second baby is very different from raising the first. You might not get as much time just to lie and cuddle this time around, but neither will you spend as much time worrying for no reason.
One child to two top Tip: Try not to compare your babies, even though that feels impossible at times. Many people describe their second born as being more of a handful but there are so many positives to second kids. They are confident, cheeky and funny, so be sure to celebrate all their strengths right from the get-go.
Time goes faster
Remember the first time around? And how it seemed to take forever to get to the six-month mark so you could finally give your baby a taste of solid food? Well, this time it’ll be here in no time.
The days will fly by and your baby will seem to grow older at twice the speed of your first child. And she’ll be desperate to grow up fast too, because she wants to run and play and laugh with her big brother.
One child to two top Tip: Time flies when you’re busy. Don’t just go through the motions. Instead, make a point of enjoying the little things each day. Slow down and spend time soaking up your kids as often as you can. Take plenty of photos, write in their baby journals and focus on being present with your kids. You can get things done and be an awesome mama.
Your heart grows
If you’re worried about whether you’ll be able to love a second child as much as the first, then don’t. Your heart will grow in size the day your second baby is born, and you will love her just as much as you love your first.
You don’t think you can love anyone else that much, but you can. Your heart will be so full of love and pride that it will feel heavy in your chest. Nothing can prepare you for just how much love you will carry in your heart.
One child to two top Tip: Tell your kids you love them lots as they grow. You can’t spoil a child with love. Ignore the advice of anyone who tells you otherwise.
It’s impossible to find time alone
Time alone? Ha! No chance. Not with two kids to look after. One of them will always need you. If you thought the quality of your me-time was poor before, just wait until you have two children.
Nothing makes you appreciate the lock on the bathroom door quite like having another baby. You’ll get used to doing everything in front of an audience of two. Showering, pooping, cutting your toenails… they’ll see it all.
Oh, and don’t even think about trying to have some adult time with your partner. It’s just not going to happen. If you start planning now, you might be able to enjoy a date night in, oh, about three years.
That’s not too long to wait, right?
One child to two top Tip: You can’t pour from an empty cup so put yourself first sometimes. If you’re feeling touched out and short-fused, you need some time to yourself. It doesn’t have to be a week in the Bahamas (a girl can dream, right?) but at least carve out some time each day to do something for you. Make sure your partner knows how important this ring-fenced time is for your mental health.
How to ease the transition from one child to two
If you’re currently expecting (or planning) your second child, you might be wondering whether there’s anything you can do to make the transition easier.
These tips might help:
One child to two #1. Lower your expectations
Lower. Lower. Lower. There. High expectations will set you up for failure. If you’re hoping to be a perfect mom to a perfect older sibling and a perfect baby, you’re going to struggle. Instead, prepare for sibling rivalry, zero sleep and complete chaos and you’ll probably be pleasantly surprised. Remember, there’s no such thing as a perfect mom.
One child to two #2. Lean on your support system
You can’t (and shouldn’t) do everything by yourself. You will need your support system to help out – especially during the early weeks. When friends and family members offer to help out, bite their hands off. If they offer to take your eldest to the park for an hour, let them. Your big kid will get to blow off some steam and then you can enjoy some time together when he gets home.
If your mom offers to cuddle your baby for half an hour so you can play trains with your eldest, take her up on it. Even just short bursts of concentrated quality one on one time can keep your child’s tank topped up.
One child to two top #3. Have a box of tricks to hand
It can be tricky entertaining your eldest while caring for a newborn. A handy box of tricks is a lifesaver when you go from one to two kids. Have a box of activities you can do with your eldest even if you’re nap-trapped by your newborn. Sticker books, stories, magnetic games and coloring books are all easy activities you can join in, one-handed.
