The second stage of labour – the pushing stage – is exhausting.
It’s the point of no return and you’ll feel an overwhelming urge to get it over and done with.
For first time mothers, the pushing stage usually lasts between one and two hours. Mostly, it feels more like 80 bazillion hours.
It takes every ounce of energy in your body to get that baby out – but don’t worry, it will be worth it.
10 Things Every Mama Thinks When She’s At The Pushing Stage
Like most women during this stage, as your baby makes her way into the world, you’ll be really focused.
But, focused or not, you’ll still be having some pretty crazy thoughts, such as:
#1: What Do You Mean, Push Like I’m Pooping?
Never in all my life have I encountered a poop like this. For a start, it’s coming out of the wrong place. And it’s clearly way bigger even than a giant’s poop. And poop doesn’t have shoulders or arms or a nose sticking out in weird places.
Besides, I’ve never pooped in front of an audience before. And I’ve definitely never had anybody coaching me with phrases like, ‘You’re doing great’, while I was doing it. Can we all just stop pretending this is anything like a poop?
#2: Oh My God, Did I Just Poop?
Great, now I actually have pooped in front of an audience. Well, that’s just great. As if being naked and the size of a whale in front of this many people wasn’t degrading enough, now this! Stop telling me to push like I’m pooping, of course that’s going to make me poop.
Oh my god, is somebody wiping my bum? Argh. This is the worst day ever. Oh God, did he see? Did he just see me poop myself? I hope he never ever tells me what he saw.
#3: How Big Is This Baby?
This can’t be right. Why do the midwives look so calm? Surely they can tell I’m about to give birth to the world’s biggest baby. They might want to get the people from the Guinness Book Of World Records here, because this baby is going to be massive.
It must be the biggest baby the world has ever seen. It has to be, because I don’t see how women would willingly go through this more than once. I must be having a huge baby. Oh god, I don’t think it’s going to fit.
#4: See The Head – Are You Serious?
Did she just say she could see the head? I’ve been pushing for about three months and she can only just see the top of this baby’s head? Is that a joke?
Surely the baby is pretty much out by now! How can I have been pushing for this long and still only the top of the head is visible? Oh god, how much longer is this going to take? Hurry up, baby.
#5: What Is That Noise?
Is there a herd of cattle loose in the hospital or is that noise coming from me? Am I mooing? Have I actually been reduced to a farmyard animal now? Look at their faces… yes, it’s definitely me mooing.
Right, no more mooing. I’m going to do this quietly. No more noises. Oh god, again, MOOOOOOOOOO! If he ever dares to mention the noises I made during labour, I will leave him. I will take my mooing elsewhere. I’d like to see him give birth without mooing.
#6: I Am Never Doing This Again
No way. Never. Not a chance. This giant headed baby is going to be an only child. There isn’t a chance in hell I’m putting myself through this again. I’ll only consider having another child when scientists figure out a way to let men give birth. I can’t do this again.
#7: This Baby Had Better Be Good
No pressure or anything, but this huge baby had better be the best baby in the entire world. If this kid doesn’t grow up to cure cancer and stop climate change and rid the world of inequality, I’m going to be really mad.
I mean, if my baby fixes all of the world’s problems, then maybe it might be worth it. But if it just turns out to be a regular kid who throws tantrums and draws on the walls then I am going to be furious.
So, that’s where the phrase ‘ring of fire’ comes from. Holy hell. Did my vagina catch on fire? Is there smoke? Why isn’t anyone grabbing a fire extinguisher to put me out of my misery? Surely this can’t be normal.
Oh God, it’s still stinging. This is like the world’s worst paper cut but way worse, because it’s not on my finger, it’s on my vagina. Ow ow ow.
Well, that was slippery. At least the burning has stopped. Was that it? Is it over? Did I do it?
Oh my, look! I did it! I created the world’s most amazing, most beautiful baby ever. Come here, little one, and meet your mama. Wow, you were just inside me and now you’re here. Let the ugly crying commence.
#10: I Am A Warrior
I did it. All by myself. He stood there, essentially useless, while I brought life into the world. The midwife, sure, she caught the baby, but I was the one doing all the work.
I did it. I gave birth! Not just to a baby, but the world’s most amazing baby. I am the strongest, most powerful warrior woman ever to have existed.
What’s missing off this list?