Toddlers are spirited, fast-moving and hard to control.
They’re not exactly the ideal breastfeeding candidates.
What you really want is someone who will latch on easily, feed quickly, and then leave you alone for a while.
Toddlers could do these things, but they’ll most likely choose not to.
They’re unpredictable, uncontrollable and perfectly lovable.
Breastfeeding into toddlerhood offers a wealth of health benefits for both you and your child.
Breast milk is packed with vitamins and fatty acids that play an important role in your child’s growth. It’s also filled with antibodies to help your toddler fight those nasty colds doing the rounds at playgroup.
Breastfeeding is also a quick and easy way to reconnect with an overwhelmed, upset or hurt toddler.
As you can see, there are plenty of benefits to continuing to breastfeed after your child’s first birthday.
10 Ridiculous Things Toddlers Do While Breastfeeding
There is, however, also a pretty big downside. Namely, your toddler’s table manners.
Let’s just say, toddlers leave a lot to be desired when it comes to social etiquette. Here are just a few of the delightful things toddler will do while breastfeeding:
#1: Jam Their Fingers Up Your Nose
Nothing says ‘breastfeeding is great for bonding’ quite like a toddler’s finger jammed right up your nostril. Yep, that finger will be thrust, without warning, right into your nasal cavity.
You might be surprised at just far a toddler’s finger can reach. Of course, you won’t have cut your toddler’s nails, and so the experience will leave you with one hell of a scratch inside your nose. There’s also the small matter of where those little fingers had been recently….
#2: A Lot Of Side Switching
You know how toddlers get really fussy about which bowl and plate they use? They apply the same logic to boobs, too. Only, it’s more embarrassing when your neighbours hear your toddler yelling through the walls, “No! Left boobie, mummy. NOW!”
Long gone are the days when a hungry newborn would hungrily empty each breast. Now you’re stuck with an indecisive toddler who switches sides just for fun.
#3: Call The Shots
Remember, before you had kids, how you had control over your own body? Not anymore. You can attempt to regain some control by feebly saying things like, “I’ll feed you soon, just wait” or “Ok, that’s enough now”.
But your toddler will completely ignore you and demand feeds anyway. You have no control. That tiny terror is calling the shots and you are powerless, even when it comes to your own boobs.
#4: Post Weird Things On Facebook
Not status updates like, ‘So thirsty. Can’t wait for mama to bring the boobies home’, although that would be pretty weird.
Only because babies don’t have Facebook accounts. If they did, that is probably exactly what they would share.
Nope, your toddler won’t be sharing to his own Facebook; he’ll be sharing on yours. If you scroll while feeding, your toddler’s flailing arms are guaranteed to unwittingly do the following:
- Send a friend request to the wife of your childhood sweetheart. Awkward.
- Share an inappropriate post of an idiot you went to school with.
- Somehow take and share a photo of you mid-feed. Hello, double chins and breast flesh.
- Unfriend your mother-in-law. More awkward.
This is most likely to happen at bedtime. Your overtired toddler, who has been begging for milk since before you ran him a bath, will suddenly channel his inner Michael Flatley and break into an Irish jig mid-feed.
This will be both scary and painful – not to mention hilarious. Nobody wants somebody dancing while attached to her nipples because that sounds (and is) excruciating.
Your toddler’s fancy footwork will inevitably mean you are repeatedly kicked in the crotch while having your nipples pulled by a toddler who seems physically unable to lie still. Good luck with bedtime.
#6: Grab Your Other Boob
For the love of God, why? One boob should be enough, surely. It can provide more than enough milk. The other should be left where it belongs, safely tucked away in your bra.
There is no need for it to be yanked, slapped, pinched and prodded, and yet that is all your toddler wants to do. Apparently, one breast to feed from is not enough. Toddlers also require another, to use as a stress ball.
#7: Loudly Yell ‘No’ At You
After begging to feed for ages, your toddler will then shout (in his loudest voice so the whole town hears), “No, no, mama. NO BOOBIE!” Nothing makes you feel like a breastmilk pusher faster.
Of course, your toddler whispered all the pleas for milk and only yelled the last bit, so now your neighbours, and their neighbours, think you’re doing something weird.
#8: Have A Favourite Boob
Just as your toddler probably has a favourite cup, he might also have a favourite boob. If you’re lucky, he’ll change his preference regularly, and at least you’ll have semi-symmetrical boobs.
If you’re unlucky, your toddler will feed from one boob most of the time and you will have one humongous Pamela Anderson-sized breast next to a regular one.
When presented with the wrong breast, your toddler will look at you with disdain and slowly shake his head as though you are completely and utterly devoid of intelligence.
This one is not ridiculous or funny in any way; it actually really hurts.
Remember how excited you were when your kid got their first few peggies?
Well, those teeny tiny white stubs have now grown into a set of razor sharp gnashers that will have you screaming out in pain.
It hurts like blazes when a toddler bites you on the finger. There is no word strong enough to capture the shooting pain of being bitten on the nipple.
Toddlers hate to hear the word ‘no’ so you’re unlikely to convince them that doing cartwheels while breastfeeding is perhaps not the best idea.
You’d be amazed at just how many different yoga positions your toddler can get into while still attached to your nipple.
There will be some stretching involved of course (for you, and not as part of the yoga) but you’re probably used to that by now anyway, aren’t you?