Having a shy child can be worrying for a parent. Although most children exhibit shy traits at one time or another, watching your child struggle in social situations can be heartbreaking. If you have a child prone to shyness, or is too shy to talk, you might wonder whether there’s anything you can do to help.

What causes shyness?

Many kids are shy in new situations and around new people. You might notice your child is withdrawn around new children or adults. Some children are naturally shy and it might take them time to warm up to new people and situations.

For others, shyness can be learned from watching shy parents interact with others. Some shy children haven’t spent much time socializing and soon outgrow their shyness when allowed to practise their social skills.

Why is my child extremely shy?

Your child might not be able to vocalize the reasons behind his shyness. For example, if a new situation causes him to hide behind you, it could be fear of the unknown or nervousness around new people. The chance of a young child being able to explain this, however, is slight.

Shyness is normal for many children and most will grow out of it. As they are exposed to new situations and new people, their confidence will grow and they’ll become more confident in approaching new situations in the future.

Can shyness be cured?

This question is quite telling because it assumes shyness is a negative trait. Shyness does not need to be cured. Shyness can be understood and managed but does not need to be cured. Fear of judgement and rejection often causes shyness, so acting as though the shyness is something that’s wrong with your child can heighten these worries.

Rather than seeing your child’s shyness as a problem, you should try to see it as a positive trait. Find ways to help him manage the shyness so he can navigate the world and be happy. Also be sure to respect his temperament and understand he might need downtime after social situations.

Don’t label your child as shy

If your child is shy, it can be tempting to label him this way. You might not even realize you’re doing it, but each time your child hears you refer to him as shy, you are giving him a label. Unfortunately, labelling children can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more shy kids hears they are shy, the shyer they will feel until the shyness feels like a part of their personality and not something they can overcome.

Don’t fight against the shyness

‘Don’t be shy.’ ‘Don’t hide behind me.’ ‘Off you go.’ It’s easy to jump to these commands when faced with a shy child. You might feel embarrassed whens your child hides in a room filled with confident children. Perhaps you even feel shy when everyone looks at you and your child.

Telling your child not to be shy is the same as telling a person not to be sad. It doesn’t change the feeling, and only leaves the person feeling alone and misunderstood. It is generally much better to acknowledge someone’s feelings than to dismiss them. You can do this while encouraging children to step out of their comfort zone, nudging them gently in the right direction.

Be mindful of how you talk about other people

Do you make fun of people behind their backs? Do you describe people as weird and make fun of their conversational skills? If you do these things in front of your children, they might worry other people will also say such things about them, causing child to be too shy to talk. Try to focus on the positives about people, especially when your child is listening.

How to help a shy child socialize

If you’re looking for ways to help your child socialize, the following tips might help:

1. Role-play new experiences

Role-play is a fantastic way for your child to try new skills, build confidence and prepare for real-world situations. With younger children, you can do this during role-play games. For example, you can play shops or schools and teach your child what to do or say in different situations. Role-play situations can help older children prepare for specific events they feel nervous about – for example, learning how to ask to play games with other kids at school.

2. Stay involved

If you know your child is nervous around new children, stay close by so you can help him. Don’t rush your children into talking to new people; give them time to warm up. You can help by being outgoing yourself. You can start a conversation with a new child and involve your own child.

3. Best activities for a shy child

If you know certain situations leave your child cowering in the corner, avoid them while you build your child’s confidence. Instead, start small and work your way up to a big social event. For example, arrange a playdate at home or initiate a game with an unknown child at the park. These smaller, bite-size tasks will help build your kids’ confidence and let them try new ways of making friends.

There is no such thing as the best activity for a shy kid but there are some activities more suited to shy children. If they love football, sign them up for a football club. If they love crafts, take them along to your local craft club. The key is to find an activity kids will enjoy and where they will meet like-minded people.

How to encourage a shy child to speak up

Depending on your child’s age, there are various things you can do to help.

1. How to help a shy child talk to adults

Some shy children freeze up when they’re in the company of adults. This could be because of a bad experience or simply due to a fear of judgement. You will want to encourage your children to speak confidently with adults, as this skill will last them a lifetime.

Here are some ways you can help them:

Don’t force it. A nervous, unprepared child is more likely to have a bad experience, which could further put him off talking to adults. Instead, build up to this skill slowly; there’s no rush; he has his whole life to master it
Start with adults you know. Get a close friend or family member on board to help your child overcome shyness. Try to start a conversation between them and ask the adult to coax him into carrying it on. Think carefully about who you choose. Will this be an easy person for your child to talk to?
Seek out positive and friendly adults. Scary school teachers and angry shopkeepers can terrify shy kids. Make sure your child spends time with positive adults like youth club leaders, family friends and neighbors.

2. How to help babies and toddlers overcome shyness

You are your baby’s safe place, so it’s not surprising he feels safest when you’re nearby. Separation anxiety is a normal part of infanthood and not an indication of anything wrong with your child.

There are things you can do to help your child overcome shyness, for example:

Give him time to warm up to new people. Don’t just hand him straight over to visitors if this makes him feel uncomfortable
Model confident behavior in new situations and with new people. Your toddler is learning social skills from watching your interactions
Stay close to your child at playgroup, so he knows where to find you. As time passes, you will find your child moving further away from you, always looking back to check you’re still close by
Praise your child for social interactions, such as saying hello to strangers or sharing toys at playgroup.

3. How to help school-aged children overcome shyness

If school is a problem for your child, you might feel helpless because you’re not there when he needs help. Don’t worry; there are still things you can do to help your school-aged child, such as:

Invite children to play after school. If your child struggles to speak up at school, he might find a one-on-one situation easier
Be sociable with the other parents. This is probably one of the easiest ways to help your child make friends, but it won’t come easily if you’re shy yourself. Chat with other parents at the school gates and be friendly at the park and this will encourage your child to get to know other children better
Practise public speaking at home. If your child is nervous about speaking aloud in class, practise this skill at home. It will help your child overcome shyness.
Speak to your child’s teacher. Don’t be afraid to advocate for your child. Talk to the teacher if your child struggles to make friends at school. The teacher is best placed to look out for your child during the day and will know how to encourage friendships for shy kids
Build your child’s self-esteem and behavior. Shyness can be a symptom of low self-esteem, so be sure to point out the beautiful things about your child. Avoid making unfavorable comparisons with other children; your child is perfect as he is
Give your child plenty of opportunities to improve social skills and social interactions. Football clubs, dance classes, art clubs… there are many afterschool and weekend activities you can sign your child up for.

4. How to help your teenager overcome shyness

Shyness can feel crippling during the teenage years. As their peers throw themselves headfirst into new situations, shy teens might hide away from the unknown.

Here are some ways you can help your teenagers with shyness:

Build their confidence. Help your teens see the good in themselves. They needs to like themselves before they can put themselves out there. So boost them up, focus on their strengths and celebrate their achievements
Discuss confidence and point out similarities between confident people you know. Explain that people don’t always feel confident; sometimes, you have to ‘fake it till you make it’. Analyze the behavior of confident people; how do they walk/stand/talk?
Encourage them to try new activities. Your teens might be yet to find their people. Help them out by encouraging them to try new social clubs and activities until they find friends they feel comfortable around.

Is it shyness or social anxiety?

Shyness is a normal trait most children exhibit; social anxiety is different. If your children avoid social situations, they might be suffering from social anxiety. Speak to their teachers for advice if you think this could be more than a typical case of shyness. It’s also worth speaking to your children’s healthcare provider for advice with extreme shyness.

You can read more in BellyBelly’s articles: Selective Mutism – is it more than shyness?