Help. I'm in a black hole over c-sections.

[peanutter]

*breathe*

I'm feeling like I'm in a bit of a black hole today.

I found out last week that I will need to have a c-section, and I'm just feeling lower and lower about it as the days go on.

I had been warned ages ago that chances were that any future babies would need to be by c-section, and I had understood (but not but not yet accepted) that, but now it's reasonably final ... so I'm working on the "acceptance" part, but I'm getting nowhere with it - on the contrary, I'm getting wound tighter and tighter, and feel like I'm going to snap.

And I can't get over the anger (at being put in this situation), my frustration and hurt (at being put in this situation), and my guilt that I'm robbing this baby of a natural entry into this world.

I know in my head that the risks to Ziggy from having a c-section are quite small in this day and age, and that the impact to Ziggy if I was to get another fistula - or worse - would be enormous. An incapacitated mummy siting in a salt bath rocking in the foetal position 3 times a day and generally overrun with PTSD is not what a brand new baby (or anyone) needs ...

But I'm still sitting here, completely distracted, completely devestated, running through my head about all the negatives of c-sections ... mostly the negatives for Ziggy directly, but also for DS and DH and our family in general ...

Ziggy's lungs won't be cleared, and have to be manually suctioned ... what a horrible entry into the world!

I won't get skin to skin contact for the first hour of so, so bonding can be much harder - and Ziggy's first experiences will be doctors and midwives doing things with them, rather than DH catching, cuddling, and then passing to me for their first feed..

My colostrum might not come through for a while, as those hormones won't have been kickstarted by labour.

Other hormones won't be doing their thing, as I won't be progressing through labour, and so Ziggy and I won't be benefitting from those.

I will be trying to recover from major surgery, and won't be able to lift my DS for ages, or drive us anywhere, or even pick him up for cuddles or nappy changes. But DS will see me carrying, changing and feeding Ziggy - which will be rough on the poor little man.

I will be in hospital longer ... I completely went in to a tailspin last month when I had to be admitted for 2 or so lousy hours - how on earth am I going to cope with 3-5 days, after a c-section??

It seems so unfair that Ziggy is getting sloppy seconds in so many respects, due to what happened with DS's birth ...

And I worry that somehow, one day, Ziggy will resent DS for that ... I know (believe me, I know) how irrational that sounds, but I can't get past it.

And over all - I know that I should just keep looking at the positives (DS is perfect, Ziggy is growing well, the pregnancy is mostly going very well, DH is just wonderful, I am working through my own recovery, I have family and friends who love me, etc) but this is just like a great big hot wet woolen blanket over my head at the moment, suffocating me. The last thing I need is someone saying about how I should be grateful about a, b, c, d and e, and that the method of birth is irrelevant, and Ziggy won't rememeber it anyway ... those rational parts of my brain just are driving me nuts at the moment, and my emotions are screaming all these illogical things ...

I have counselling tonight, but that's hours and hours away ... I just need some positive stories about c-sections, or some more information about risks to babies with c-sections and how I can minimise them, to make Ziggy's entrance as wonderful as possible ...

Sitting at my desk basically in tears isn't helping right now ...

It's only 8-10 weeks until the big day, and I can't feel like this when the time comes. I won't be able to get myself in the doors of the hosptial, let alone be calm and collected for the operation and then functioning well enough to look after Ziggy by myself.

And I don't want to do any more googling and surfing about c-sections ... so much seems to be contradictory, I'm at a loss to know what is and isn't real, accurate and up to date information ...