HLP - oh sweetie. This journey is so tough, sometimes even when we think we've got a handle on it, something happens, and we realise we don't.

You don't have to feel happy for other people and their pg. It's ok not to be and don't beat yourself up if you don't feel happy and you have thoughts that make you feel uncomfortable. Given all you've been through, it's a normal reaction. Maybe in time it's something that will come to you, or maybe not. For some reason I don't tend to have those thoughts very often, I just get so scared for people, that they will lose their bubs, and feel the agony that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. I did feel a little jealous of my nephew when he and his partner fell pregnant, but I was soon able to realise they were entitled to be happy and in fact I wanted them to be happy. Personally I was really glad to have been able to get to that point of view so quickly.

Wow - two big events on one day on 17 April. Here's a tip - do something special with your niece before her birthday and then have 17 April all to yourself. You might need it. But then if you do decide to spend some time with her on her birthday you do it on your terms because you feel up to it not because you feel obliged. On these big days, I find it best not to put too many demands on yourself. Good to have a back up plan if you are feeling robust, but if you're not? Well then you can crawl into your coccoon and just be with your memories and your feelings.

Kirsten - oh wow, that is pretty insensitive of your sister. I understand her excitement, totally, but it was just a but mis timed for you. I guess she really just didn't understand your pain and heartbreak and that her pregnancy would be a reminder of all you had lost. In a way, it would be nice to have her niaivety huh? ( how do you spell that word? I have had 4 attempts and its still wrong).