10 Things That Will Happen In The First Month Of Motherhood [Humour]

Motherhood is a unique experience.

From pregnancy, to the birth, and right through to your little one leaving home as a young adult, your experience won’t be identical to anyone else’s.

Although motherhood is a great bonding experience that allows you to connect with other women, you will find that there are huge differences between your experiences and theirs.

Some things, however, happen to pretty much everyone.

10 Things That Will Happen In The First Month Of Motherhood

Here are 10 things that will almost definitely happen to you during your first month as a new mother:

#1: ‘Be Careful!’ Will Become Your Catchphrase

Everyone coming within a half a mile radius of your precious newborn will be reminded to ‘be careful!’

You will say it to your in-laws, your friends, and even your partner, pretty much every time you see them.

Every time someone picks up your baby you will feel yourself tense up with anger, because they are simply not being careful enough with the baby you made.

In the past, you might have tried to control how many times you made it clear to those around you that you didn’t trust them, but not anymore.

You’re a mama bear now, and your job is to protect your baby, so you will repeat your new catchphrase of ‘be careful’ as many times as you see fit.

#2: Your Boobs Will Leak In Public

Now that your breasts have started producing milk, they don’t seem able to stop.

You will head out into the world, breast pads securely in place, only to discover yourself leaking all over your t-shirt the first time you hear a baby cry.

And it’s not even your baby!

Frustrated by your trigger happy nipples, you will adopt a strictly arms-folded position for all future outings.

#3: You Will Flash Your Postman

This will either happen through the window, as he innocently looks in to find you preparing to feed your baby, or it will happen as you answer the door in a sleep-deprived state, with one breast still on display after the last feed.

When you haven’t slept for two weeks, it’s very hard to know where your breasts are at any given time.

#4: You Will Nominate Yourself For An Award

After inadvertently almost poking your friendly postman in the eye with your nipple as you sign for a parcel, you will wonder whether you are eligible for ‘The Tiredest Person in Existence Award’.

You will dig out your old copy of the Guinness Book of World Records to find out whether you actually qualify as the most sleep deprived person in the world.

After all, if you’re already fulfilling the criteria you might as well accept the award. Perhaps you could get it delivered. That way your postman would see just how tired you really are, and know that you are not just a lonely 1950s housewife desperately seeking attention.

#5: You Will Be Ok With Bodily Fluids

After enduring pregnancy and birth, you will find that there are not many bodily fluids that can turn your stomach these days.

You spend so much time hand expressing, changing your sanitary towels, and wincing at your haemorrhoids, that you feel you have embraced your own body to the max.

Even the baby’s bodily fluids don’t seem to have an effect on you. You can quite happily change a dirty nappy, mid dinner, and go straight back to eating without a second thought.

You’ve had baby sick in your mouth (that’ll teach you to hold your baby high above you), poo under your fingernails, and wee all over your crotch.

And you’re fine with it.

#6: You Will Google… Everything

Your Google history will out you as the neurotic new mother you really are.

Should baby poo be green?

Why is my baby crying?

Why isn’t my baby smiling?

Does my baby sleep too much?

These, and other questions, will fill your search history, as every fleeting thought you have is typed straight into Google, and researched until you feel satisfied that your baby is ok.

#7: The Cliches Will Become Your Reality

All of that annoying unwanted advice you received during pregnancy will suddenly start to make sense.

You will suddenly see the value of sleeping when the baby sleeps. You’ll find that napping has become your new favourite hobby.

And you will find yourself agreeing with the strangers who stop you and your two day old newborn in the street to tell you how fast they grow up.

#8: You Will Cry Because Your Baby Is Growing Up Too Fast

Visitors will come and exclaim how tiny your perfect your baby is, but you can already see how much he’s grown.

Even before the first month is up, there is a good chance you will have packed away a small box of baby clothes, already outgrown by your not-so-tiny newborn, and stored it in the loft.

You will be amazed at how quickly babies grow, and as he reaches toddlerhood, you’ll envision him towering above you, unable to stop growing.

#9: Someone Will Ask When You’re Going To Have Another

After only a month! You are probably still battling sore nipples, you haven’t slept for weeks, and you are still finding your footing as a mum.

And yet someone will think this is a great time to ask when your next baby is scheduled. You will punch her, of course, but when the police hear what happened they will be totally on your side, so don’t worry.

#10: You Will Worry You’ve Made A Terrible Mistake

There will be times during that first month when you’ll find yourself worrying that perhaps you aren’t really cut out for motherhood.

As you catch sight of yourself in a mirror – unwashed, greasy, and exhausted – at 4pm, and realise you haven’t had so much as a mouthful of water all day, you will worry that you are doing it all wrong.

When you stare into the angry, red face of your crying baby, and realise you have no idea how to help him, you will think that perhaps you aren’t mother material.

Never fear. One day soon that angry newborn face will turn into a smiling one, and then you will know that you are doing a great job.