The 10 Must-Have (Imaginary) Inventions For New Parents

The 10 Must-Have (Imaginary) Inventions For New Parents

There are so many baby products on the market it can be difficult to know which ones you really need.

Ask any parent and they’ll be able to name at least one must-have product they forked out for which turned out to be completely and utterly useless.

To make things a little easier for you, we’ve written a list of the ten inventions that you will definitely need in your life as a new parent.

There’s only one problem, they don’t actually exist yet.

Perhaps you can fund your child’s college fund by bringing one of these to life?

#1: The Equality Alarm Clock

Don’t waste your time arguing over who is the most tired, instead know that you’re both equally exhausted thanks to the equality alarm clock. That’s right, this nifty invention will even out the sleep deprivation playing field.

Whenever you get up with the baby, the alarm clock will spring into action and disturb your sleeping partner. The alarm clock will ring continuously until your baby is back asleep, allowing you to feel safe that your partner hasn’t enjoyed even an extra wink of sleep. And don’t worry, the alarm sounds at a frequency your baby can’t hear, so that shrill sound will only disturb your partner.

#2: The Self Washing Clothes

Don’t waste your time on outfit changes, instead choose outfits that work for you. The self-washing clothes range comes in all shapes, sizes and styles allowing you to dress the whole family. Baby sick will immediately disappear before your eyes, leaving only a fresh laundry smell behind. Explosive diarrhea? No problem with the self-washing clothes.

Choose from the hundreds of items in our catalogue and feel safe that you’ll never have to do laundry again.

#3: The Straight On Sleep Suit

Does getting your baby dressed feel a little like trying to put a onesie on a squid? If so, you need the straight on sleep suit. Take the stress out of nappy changes with this simple and effective invention.

Unlike regular baby clothes, the straight on sleep suit does the dressing for you. The suit will gently and carefully dress your baby in under two seconds. Not only does it eradicate the fear of hurting those tiny limbs, it also frees you up some extra time to spend enjoying your baby.

#4: The Mary Poppins Click

Fed up of spending your days picking up blocks, rattles and clothes only for them to be scattered across the floor again moments later? Tired of the last minute tidy up before every play date? Sick of the flash of disappoint of your partner’s face when he returns from a day at the office?

Fear not, with the Mary Poppins click all of that tidying will be a thing of the past. A simple click of your fingers will have your house show home spotless in seconds. The painless, safe and effective implant can be fitted in moments, giving you the power of cleanliness at the tip of your finger.

#5: The Detachable Arm

There are few things more frustrating in life than finally lulling your baby to sleep only to be stuck under a sleeping baby for the rest of the evening. The detachable arm makes getting to your glass of wine a whole lot easier. The prosthetic arm looks, smells and feels just like your real arm. Your baby won’t be able to tell the difference.

Let your baby enjoy the comfort of all night cuddles while you enjoy your evening downstairs. This simple and affordable invention will change your life.

#6: The Voice Controlled Remote Control

Do you often find yourself stuck in front of the television whilst you breastfeed? Does your baby have a habit of falling asleep on you on the sofa? If this keeps happening when the remote is nowhere to be found, you need the voice controlled remote control. Don’t waste your days staring at a black screen, or worse, stuck in front of rubbish daytime tv. With the voice controlled remote control you can summon the remote from across the room, allowing you to stay entertained whilst looking after your baby.

The powerful remote can even find its way out from under sofa cushions, making it the perfect way to find your remote in a hurry. The sensitive voice recognition software can even hear instructions from across the house, allowing you to find your remote even when it’s ended up in the laundry pile.

#7: Bouncing Floors

Do you spend most of your day bending over to pick up toys, food and pacifiers your baby has dropped on the floor? This essential developmental phase can be frustrating for parents, but make your frustration a thing of the past with bouncing floors.

This thin layer of transparent rubber creates a safe environment for your baby without affecting the aesthetic appearance of your home. Any cups, toys or slices of apple dropped on the floor will simply bounce back up allowing your baby to perfect his catching skills.

#8: The Baby Translator

There is nothing worse than hearing your baby cry and not knowing how to help. Is she hungry, tired, cold or in pain? As you frantically try to decode her cries, she grows more and more upset, leaving you feeling like the world’s worst parent. Banish that feeling to the history books with the baby translator.

This genius device will translate your baby’s cries for you, so you’ll know exactly what your baby needs. The software can even decode those first few moans, allowing you to act fast and prevent the need for real cries. [Warning: this product may offend grandparents when translating “I don’t want you, I want my mama!”]

#9: The Shock Doorbell

Fed up of people ignoring your polite doorbell note asking that they don’t ring the doorbell because your baby is asleep? Teach them a lesson with the shock doorbell. This device can be fitted temporarily during your baby’s nap times, and delivers a short but sharp burst of electricity to whoever dares to press the doorbell.

You can also record a voice message to play at the time of the shock, so they are left with no question as to whether it was a deliberate and justified attack.

#10: The Breastfeeding Comeback Machine

Does your sleep deprived mind struggle to come up with quick retorts to breastfeeding naysayers? Don’t worry, the breastfeeding come back machine will do the job for you. The easily portable machine will listen out for any negative comments from breastfeeding bashers, and quickly supply you with a witty, hilarious and cutting reply.

There’s no need to worry about baby brain showing you up, the breastfeeding come back machine has your back. The breastfeeding come back machine is available in all major languages and is specially programmed to understand the laws regarding breastfeeding in public across the world.

Recommended Reading: For more humour check out our 10 Funniest Pregnancy Memes.

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Fiona Peacock is a writer, researcher and lover of all things to do with pregnancy, birth and motherhood (apart from the lack of sleep). She is a home birth advocate, passionate about gentle parenting and is also really tired.

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