All that alcohol seems such a good idea at the time.
You’re throwing back shots, dancing on a podium and generally going as wild as…a mum who doesn’t get out very often.
You’re mixing your drinks, downing them at speed and relishing the fact that you’re busy being you and not being someone’s parent.
And it’s fun, it’s so fun to let your hair down and go crazy and hang out with the people who knew you before you became a parent.
10 Thoughts All Hungover Parents Have
It’s fun right up until the morning. Then it’s not fun anymore. Then it’s actually pretty stupid to drink that much and stay out that late.
Here are 10 thoughts all hungover parents have:
#1: Am I Dead?
If you thought hangovers were bad when you were young, you haven’t seen anything yet.
Hangovers notoriously get worse as you age, but they become particularly terrible when you hit parenthood.
Something to do with the way your heart swells when you become a parent, or the fact you haven’t slept in years, leaves you less able to survive a hangover.
Don’t panic when you wake up with a crushing headache and a mouth that tastes of dirty nappy, you’re not dead, just a parent.
#2: What Time Is It?
Ha, what a hilarious question! What time is it? Well, you went on a wild one last night, you stayed out late and didn’t get to bed at 3am so it’s probably about 3pm the following afternoon.
Oh wait, no, you’re a parent, it’s 5am. You’ve had, at most, two hours sleep and now somebody is jumping on your head. Warning: that person is not wearing a nappy and is about to pee.
Grab that throbbing head of yours and guide that jumping child to the bathroom. And then put on your happy face, because it’s the morning for you now. There is no more sleep, only parenting. Ready for breakfast? Thought not.
#3: Why Did I Drink So Much?
As you walk to the kitchen, squinting through barely open eyes, following the lead of your aggressively loud and hangry tiny child, you will start to question whether last night was worth it.
Perhaps, you will think, you should just have had the one. Just popped down for an hour or so, had one drink, and gone to bed at a reasonable hour.
Maybe you should have driven. It was foolish to think you could do tequila. You’re a parent now, you should’ve been busy drinking water to stay hydrated.
#4: Why Didn’t We Get An Overnight Babysitter?
What is the point of a babysitter who only comes round for a few hours? That’s good for theatre trips and nothing else.
If you want to have a late night or a drink, babysitters should have to stay until the next afternoon. They should get up early, make breakfast for your child (and you, too, if you can stomach it) and take them somewhere far away, like the park, so you can be hungover in a quiet house like God intended (why else did he invent babysitters?).
#5: Why Am I The Only One Awake?
If you were unfortunate enough to be the first parent to wake, you will spend the rest of the day resenting your partner. It will grow to a deep hatred burning inside of you as you watch the clock, waiting for them to get out of bed.
At times, you will be so proud of yourself for letting your loved one sleep that you’ll start absentmindedly planning your acceptance speech for when you are awarded Best Partner.
And, the rest of the time, you’ll be so busy hating them that you will fail to remind the kids to keep the noise down (accidentally, of course).
You will spend the morning walking the fine line between wanting your partner to wake up well-rested and less hungover than you, and wanting them to feel equally as terrible as you do.
#6: Oh, Hangovers Of My Youth, I Miss You
It’s unavoidable that you will spend most of the day lamenting the hangovers of your youth.
You know the ones, you spent them tucked up in bed, a box set playing on the television, a fry-up resting on your knee as you planned your next night out which would invariably take place later that night because you were young and wild with a liver that recovered fast.
As you sit surrounded by toys, a cartoon playing loudly on the television while your children climb all over you, occasionally kicking you in the crotch by accident, you will wonder, just briefly, why you ever thought it was a good idea to have children.
#7: Why Can’t These Kids Look After Themselves Yet?
You love your kids, of course you do. But, well, couldn’t they be a little more independent? Not all the time, but just when you’re hungover.
Couldn’t they deal with their own dirty nappies and get their own breakfast? Just as a special treat when you’ve consumed your weight in wine the night before. Would that really be too much to ask?
Couldn’t they just have skills that they whipped out on days like today. Maybe they could even learn to do things like make you breakfast, tidy the house and make cups of tea.
#8: Why Do We Have So Many Noisy Toys?
Flashing toys. Battery-powered toys. Xylophones. Blocks that can be banged together. Cars that brummm loudly on the wooden floor. Balls that bounce against the wall.
These sounds are the soundtrack to your hangover. Nobody wants to do jigsaws or read quietly to themselves, they want to form a recorder band and practice in your brain. They want to shout to each other from across the house. Then want to sing hilarious songs, laugh deafeningly loud and eat crunchy breadsticks, like, really noisily.
#9: Thank God For TV
The only way to survive the day is to place your entire family in front of the television and make them watch movie after movie. This is the only way to stop them climbing on you/singing at you/shouting at you. Just put a movie on. Call it a ‘movie day’. Put out some popcorn for them to eat, make sure you put plenty out so they won’t bother you for food for a while.
Once, they’re all glued to the TV (not literally, unless you have a particularly bad hangover), you can lie down on the sofa, pull a blanket over your head and fall asleep.
#10: I Might Be Actually Ill
When it comes to the evening and you still feel like you’ve been run over, you will start to wonder if, perhaps, you might actually be ill. After all, that would explain the sweating, the puking and the crying.
Well, sorry to break it to you, but you’re not ill. You haven’t got food poisoning or a cold or even man flu. This is just what hangovers feel like now that you’re a parent. Great, aren’t they? It’s nature’s way of making sure you don’t abandon your kids for the pub very often.
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