It’s the season of good cheer and, for pregnant women, absolute hell.
It is no fun being pregnant at Christmas. Seriously.
Morning sickness, vulval varicose veins and hemorrhoids hardly capture the magic of Christmas.
And, worst of all, pregnant women can’t even get drunk to forget their sorrows.
Pregnant Christmas is terrible.
It’s even worse than hungover Christmas (you know you’ve been there too), because at least with hungover Christmas a damn fun Christmas Eve was had.
Your pregnant partner is a human-shaped explosion of hormones just waiting to happen. It’s your job to try and make her pregnant Christmas as bearable as possible.
It won’t be easy but you’re the only man for this job. So, here are 10 things your pregnant partner wants for Christmas:
#1: To Eat Without Judgement
Pregnant women shouldn’t eat for two. Sometimes, it sucks to be a modern woman.
Back in the day, it was totally cool to eat for two during pregnancy. Hell, the bigger we got the better. Also, the more cigarettes we smoked, the better.
Thankfully, scientists stepped in to educate the masses and now healthy pregnancy is an achievable goal.
Pregnant women should only consume an extra 200 calories a day and they should come from a healthy source. But read the small print, there is an exception.
On Christmas Day, it’s totally cool to eat a zillion extra calories and it’s fine for those calories to come from the dessert table. And anybody who says otherwise should be given a swift slap to the face.
#2: To Not Have To Clean Up Your Puke
Christmas party season is fun. You get to see your boss shake their moves on the dancefloor, you get to drink at the company expense and you can get really drunk.
Unless you have someone at home busy incubating a baby for you. In that case, you should probably try not to get too drunk. By all means, enjoy yourself, get a little tipsy.
But no pregnant woman should have to clean up their boyfriend’s vomit this Christmas. Heavily pregnant women also aren’t great at peeling drunk people off the bathroom floor, they don’t have great balance.
Please remember all of this whilst at your office Christmas party this year.
#3: Gifts For Her
“Oh look, a pregnant woman, she must want gifts for the baby” said every person ever.
Er, no, she wants gifts for herself. Like, twice as many as normal because she’s currently undergoing the ultimate test of endurance.
So, no, baby-related gifts aren’t going to be appreciated. Breastfeeding pillows, maternity bras, baby clothes, these are all great gifts for the baby. Not for the mama.
Make sure your pregnant partner gets some great non-baby related gifts this year.
#4: A Massage
Every single part of your partner’s body is aching right now. Her hips ache from being pushed apart to make room for the baby. Her back hurts from lugging around those massive boobs all day long. Her feet ache from supporting a whole person worth of extra weight.
She is exhausted by the end of the day. She needs a massage. A full body massage that eases every ache and pain she is suffering at the hands of your developing baby.
Help a mama out. Give the gift of comfort this Christmas. If you’re not a massage-giving kind of guy, pay a professional to do it for you.
If you’d rather do it yourself, wrap up some massage oil for under the tree this year and do the massaging yourself.
Your partner is bound to feel completely and utterly loved by the time you finish.
#5: To Feel Supported
Christmas is a time to see family. And that’s great, unless your family is full of a-holes who can’t keep their opinions to themselves. Your partner is filled to the max with hormones so any nit-picking from family members is likely to end in tears.
If you have a mother who is vocal about not supporting your birth choices, or a mother-in-law who is already making snide comments about how you’re going to parent, it might be wise to keep contact to a minimum.
Protect your partner from other people’s opinions for the festive season, she’ll get more than her fair share of them when the baby’s born.
#6: Fancy Drinks
Christmas is all about the whisky and the prosecco and the cream liquors. Your home bar is probably well-stocked ahead of the festive season, but is there much on offer for pregnant women?
Sure, she could just drink tap water or fruit juice, but why not get her something extra special to show her you’re thinking of her? A sparkling fruit water in a fancy bottle would go down nicely. As would a selection of non-alcoholic cocktails.
It’s the little gestures that count, so show her you love her with a cocktail umbrella.
#7: Something New To Wear
Pregnancy is not a good time for body image. It feels a little like invasion of the body snatchers. Your pregnant partner’s boobs are huge and sore. So sore. Her tummy is stretching and painful.
Her bump is so big she can’t see her toes. She’s complaining about hair in strange places and swollen hands.
Everything is wrong. And, to make matters worse, she’s stuck wearing the same clothes for months on end.
To help your partner feel special this Christmas, treat her to something new to wear. It doesn’t have to cost the earth, you can pick up simply maternity dresses pretty cheap online. Let her choose a nice outfit, your treat, and make sure you tell her how beautiful she is.
Sleep, it’s the perfect gift for pregnant women. Growing a human is more tiring than you could ever imagine. It’s not just tiredness, it’s an unavoidable need to sleep.
Have you ever gotten so drunk you’ve fallen asleep in a bar? That’s what pregnancy fatigue is like, but without the loud music.
Your partner is likely to be asleep on the sofa by 8pm every evening. Instead of moaning, cover her with a blanket and let her get some much-needed kip.
Plus, now you can watch what you want on the television so switch that festive rom-com over sharpish.
#9: To See Her Friends
Pregnancy can be quite isolating. Your partner is too tired to go out at night, too pregnant to drink and too busy getting ready for the baby to attend all the brunches. Your partner might be missing her friends.
Why not organise a girly night in at yours for her and all her friends? Movies, mocktails, snacks and good conversation is all they need.
Make yourself scarce for a few hours and let her unwind with her besties. She might not be up for a glam night out on the town, but a pyjama party could be just what she needs to feel like herself again.
#10: To Take It Easy
Christmas is a stressful time. There are lots of presents to be dreamed up, bought and wrapped. There are decorations to find on Pinterest, make and hang up. There are Christmas parties to attend, mince pies to bake and a whole Christmas dinner to plan.
December feels like a long hard slog until the finish line.
Think about how Christmas works in your house. Is the additional work split evenly? Is there anything you could do to take some of the burden of your exhausted pregnant partner?
Even if you wrap the presents while she sits back with a hot chocolate in front of Love Actually on the television, every extra thing you can do to help will make her pregnant Christmas that much more special.
Recommended Reading: For more Christmas cheer, check out BellyBelly’s article 10 Things That Suck When You’re Pregnant At Christmas.