Before a baby comes along, chances are both men and women are interested in sex and seek to have sexual intercourse as frequently as possible. It could explain why your partner looks at pornography during this time. When a baby comes along it seems that many women, for a while at least, do not feel as interested in intimacy as they previously did.
This is possibly to do with hormones, exhaustion or the nature of the couple’s sexual relationship. Men, in general, do not lose interest when a baby comes along. Many of them feel just as interested as they did prior to the birth of the baby.
This is biologically understandable. The man’s role in the perpetuation of the species is quite brief. As a ‘human animal’, he just needs to impregnate as many women as possible.
When a woman has a baby, her new role as a mother requires 100% of her time. Her sex life undergoes a complete turnaround, in comparison with the man’s. She’s usually not as interested in intimacy as she used to be and that’s because the survival of a little one depends very much on the mother’s behaviour.
A new mother’s body is ready to nurture, look after and raise her child. She’s not ready to become pregnant again and sexual encounters drop to the bottom of her priority list.
Why Does My Partner Look At Pornography?
So what happens if one partner is very interested and the other one is not?
If the man is interested in sex when the woman is not, he might feel frustrated while the women might feel pressured. As a result, both partners might feel potentially resentful towards each other. So what are the possible solutions?
- Men forget about sex (unlikely). Does anyone know a man who’s not interested? Just because the new mother has turned down her intimacy a notch, it doesn’t mean that the man has turned off his sex life in sympathy
- The woman provides non-intercourse satisfaction (unlikely). She might not be interested in any kind of intimate activity. She might just want a cuddle and a shoulder to put her head on (to sleep)
- The man seeks an alternative partner (unlikely). This is fraught with difficulties and most men don’t want to start another relationship just to obtain sex. They usually just want their previous lives back.
- The man engages a prostitute (perhaps, but also unlikely). This might happen but it is likely to be the exception rather than the rule
- The man pleases himself (very likely).
Taking everything into account, the most likely solution is probably the last one. It is also the one least likely to result in any serious damage to the marital relationship. It can, however, result in problems that are a by-product of the arousal process.
Generally, men become aroused by visual stimulation. That is why there is a huge industry in producing lingerie and the main reason why partners look at pornography.
Women tend not to become aroused in the same way. If men want to become aroused they will use their imaginations or tend to look for visual stimulation. Men watch porn as an easy way to get aroused.
When your partner watches porn is this something to be worried about? Generally not.
Watching pornography together
If the woman is concerned about her partner obtaining sexual satisfaction by watching porn but doesn’t want to initiate intimacy with him herself, she needs to ask herself what she is actually concerned about.
Is she worried that what he is viewing helps her man to be ‘turned on’ by another female, real or imaginary?
Is she concerned about the particular images that turn him on?
When I have spoken with men who watch these videos, they say they would rather have a relationship with their wives than simply ‘get their rocks off’ with some image on a website.
For most couples, porn usage happens because one partner’s sex drive is much higher than the other. That partner, usually watches pornography to restore a bit of balance in the difference between the levels of sex drive.
Should I be upset that my boyfriend looks at other females online?
In general, men watch porn as an easy way to reach orgasm. Women’s arousal involves most of their senses but, for men, it’s much more simple. Your partner watches porn to reach orgasm. He’s not looking for intimacy and he’s not looking for a substitute in your sexual encounters. He’s looking for something that gets him off quickly.
If your husband, boyfriend or girlfriend watches porn because you’re not really interested in intimacy at this stage of your life, it doesn’t usually mean there’s a problem (like porn addiction); it’s just an easy way to release the sexual tension that builds up.
Each person’s habits are different. Some watch porn and that’s it. Others follow the porn stars. This can involve watching images of women or even anime cartoons. Talk to him – especially if you’re concerned about your partner’s habits. Pornography consumption doesn’t usually mean anything and it isn’t a big deal for most men.
When your intimate life is poor, your partner might watch pornography
Many men might feel that their wives have lost interest in them after a baby comes along; they feel it deeply and take it personally. Some even develop the belief that their partners are having an affair because they are not interested in them.
This is rarely the situation. The most common reason is that the woman is simply too exhausted to be interested in having sex – particularly so if the man is a ‘car thief’ (gone in seven seconds) as there is simply very little satisfaction in the process for them.
What many men do not understand is that what a woman craves more than anything else in social and personal relationships is ‘communication.’ An article in the Herald Sun stated that ‘wining and dining is the best way for men to woo women’. The reason for that is that wining and dining happens in a situation that offers the most opportunity for communication to take place between the couple.
Another thing that many men do not understand is that a woman who has been looking after a baby all day and then, in all likelihood, must prepare a meal for the rest of the family, has been providing considerable nurturance throughout the day. What she values tremendously is to be nurtured in return.
Intimacy is another dimension that often appears to diminish when a baby comes along. Being a ‘soul mate’ and, for example, being able to be together (perhaps holding hands) and to share thoughts and feelings in an intimate way, without having intercourse, is another aspect of relationships that many women value greatly.
By the same token, there are several things that the male also wants in the relationship; a couple needs to be able to feel comfortable about discussing these things and understanding them in a way that does not lead to them feeling alienated from one another. Unfortunately, many relationships are not built on a good understanding of various aspects of male-female relationships. Where there is a good understanding, couples tend to rediscover their previous intimacy and find that it has become even better than it was before.
A helpful solution for couples who are having difficulties in this area is to obtain some psychological counselling so as to enable the couple to be in SINC. This means that they are able to express the following qualities in relation to one another:
S – Sensitivity
I – Intimacy (not necessarily sexual)
N – Nurturance
C – Communication.
There are many other perspectives that can be discussed in relation to these issues but, if the couple can address these four qualities, they are a long way along the road to developing and maintaining a positive relationship.
There is no emotional intimacy in porn consumption. Porn sex tends to be a good solution, however, when a couple’s sex drives are vastly different. Many couples have found porn as a lifesaver during difficult periods of their lives and it’s totally normal for them.
What if my partner looks at pornography and we don’t have children?
Pornography use tends to be very different in men and women.
For one person, looking at pornography might feel completely harmless; for the other partner, it might have negative effects. If it gives you mixed feelings, makes you feel betrayed or hurts your feelings and makes you feel insecure about your romantic relationship, you must talk to each other about it.
You might like to consider the following:
- Why is your partner interested in looking at it?
- Does he understand how you feel about it? If not, why not?
- Why it bothers you so much that he does look at it?
- Have the two of you had marital counselling? If not, why not?
- Do you understand what your partner needs? If not, why not?
- Establish your own boundaries and let him know how this makes you feel.
- Be careful with unrealistic expectations. You cannot just stop his and expect everyone to be happy.
- You would need to give your partner something in return so he feels validated in his needs.
- Why don’t you search for new fantasies that you can share together? Maybe you could re-enact some of your best encounters.
What if my partner thinks I would do what he’s seen?
Have the two of you discussed your respective attitudes and feelings in relation to intimacy? If not, why not?
My boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually
People watch porn for different reasons. Does your boyfriend watch porn but then when you make a move he’s not interested?
This is one of the harmful effects looking at pornography might have on some people.
Maybe it is something the couple does together to spice up their relationship. Alternatively, your partner might be watching it to give you a break from his needs when you’re in different stages of your sexual life.
Whenever your partner is not interested in you intimately, there’s a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If your partner also watches porn, there might be a bigger problem or he might be addicted.
Signs of porn addiction
Pornography addiction is as damaging as any other addiction. Porn addiction can break up interpersonal relationships. There are several signs that might suggest your partner is addicted to porn.
Partner looks at #1: Hiding his habit from others
Your partner watches porn and he hides from you. He watches much more than he tells you. This could be a sign of pornography addiction.
Partner looks at #2: Sexual dysfunction
When watching porn has negative effects on your real sex life, something isn’t quite right. In this case, watching porn might be a mechanism for coping with something deeper. If sex is just about being solo in front of a screen and you’re not in a long distance relationship, there might be a problem.
Partner looks at #3: His porn usage is increasing
If your partner’s porn watching habit is increasing, you must address this. When this happens there’s usually an underlying cause for the behavior.
Partner looks at #4: He’s irritable or angry
An addiction is a serious health problem. When people are addicted, their behavior changes; they just want to pursue their addiction, which makes them angry and irritable.
Partner looks at #5: He shows signs of withdrawal
Unless your partner is conscious of having a problem and has stopped watching porn, he’s likely to have withdrawal symptoms when Internet access is cut off. Moving home, going on holiday or anything that makes him stop watching porn as frequently as he wants can trigger withdrawal symptoms like irritability, sweats, fast breathing or panic attacks.
Research into porn addiction suggests that if your partner is watching porn and shows signs of addiction you must talk to him. Try to find out what you can do to help, reduce his porn consumption and increase his desire for you. Asking for professional help is the best option to look after your relationship.
For more information, see BellyBelly’s articles:
10 Reasons Why She Doesn’t Want Sex After Having A Baby
Sex After Birth | What We Need To Know
Sex Too Soon | New Mothers Forced Or Pressured Into Sex After Childbirth.
