If you’re a man and you’re reading this, congratulations! Information is key and the desire to find a solution to improve your sex life means you’re already on the right path.
If you’re a woman you’re probably in search of some answers. Why did your sexual life get to this point when it wasn’t like this before? Where has your desire for sex gone?
Whether you’re a man or a woman, let’s find out how male and female sexuality and sex drive really work.
Do women want sex as much as men do?
The short answer to this question is yes. But if we understand sex as the act of sexual intimacy between two lovers I’m afraid the answer is also no.
Our main biological imperative as human beings is to reproduce, and we all know the male and female roles in human reproduction are quite different.
The main role of the human male is to impregnate a woman, to make sure his genetical material is passed on. His libido and sexual desire fluctuate very little during his life stages. From a biological perspective, as with any other male mammal, his sex drive will push him to try to impregnate as many females as possible.
The main role of the female mammal in reproduction is to choose the best sperm to fertilize her egg. Yes, you’ve read it right. The egg chooses which sperm fertilizes it. There’s plenty of research on this subject and this has been known for quite a few decades now.
Most female mammals will welcome different sexual partners when they are ovulating to make sure they will gestate and raise the strongest possible offspring.
We’ll leave the intricacies of human monogamy for another time, as this article is discussing pure biology.
Once conception has occurred, the man is almost instantly ready to spread his seed again. The woman, however, will carry on to gestate the embryo, give birth, nurture, and raise her baby for quite a few months before she’s ready to repeat the whole process again.
The difference in length between our biological reproductive cycles is quite considerable.
You might think that is perfectly understandable. However, in a relationship where there isn’t a pregnancy or a new baby, why might the woman’s sexual interest be much lower than the man’s?
Let’s find out why and how to sort it out.
Why do women lose interest in sex?
Sex and lovemaking have the potential to be either the most delicious or the most dissatisfying aspects of your life.
Sex can be a way for you and your partner to open your hearts, surrender your bodies, have some fun, and share the peak of ultimate pleasure together. Or it can be a mostly frustrating and empty experience.
The 2010 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey (which included 26,000 people around the world) has shown that a staggering 1 in 3 women are turned off from sex, whereas the figure is closer to 1 in 6 for men. Women often feel they lose interest in sex because the kind of sex on offer is not what turns them on.
Ouch! Sorry to be so blunt but that’s exactly the reason why women’s desire hits rock bottom in most cases.
Let’s see why.
Women and men have different pathways to great sex
Both women and men crave a fabulous, warm, intimate, fun, and pleasurable sex life with their treasured life partners. The big difference between the two is the pathway to great sex.
Men seek it through physical sex first. Through having sex with his woman, a man opens more emotionally and connects.
On the other hand, for a woman, what’s at stake is something that will take up about two years of her life. Therefore, she needs emotional intimacy, closeness, and loving appreciation first, before she feels willing to open her body to this ’emotionally disconnected person’.
Quenching the woman’s desires first is more rewarding
Yes, it is true. There are greater rewards for a man if he delivers what his partner desires first.
When a man’s partner is truly satisfied, she opens even more and is more than willing to grant his wishes in return. Not only that, but when a woman is pleasured first, the man’s fire is still burning strong. If he is satisfied first, the fire is usually extinguished – and she can feel it.
It’s amazing to see the turnaround in a woman who is truly satisfied, both emotionally and physically. It is evident in the glow on her face when she is well-loved and ‘orgasmed’ out, and her strong desire to show her man just how much she appreciates him. This is a secret that very few men even know, let alone use to their advantage.
Relationships that last the longest and are the most successful are those in which the woman has her desires fulfilled; this gives the man a double win. First, he knows he is responsible for his partner’s pleasure, and second, he has an appreciative partner wanting to give in return.
This is a real win-win for both of you.
Most men have not even scratched the surface of how to crack this code, in order to have a highly rewarding sex life and a great relationship.
The great news for men: believe it or not, 70% of women would like more sex. And here’s what they are looking for:
9 tips to better, more frequent sex
#1: Emotional connection and intimacy
For women, sex is like the glue in the relationship. It helps to ‘bind’ her to her chosen man. For most women, the emotional is indivisible from the physical, and the emotional precedes the physical .
A woman’s desire for her man is fed by feeling close to him and by his presence. Your partner wants to feel emotionally connected to you, before, during, and after sex.
TIP: Take the time to sit and talk with her daily, with no distractions from TV, phones, or kids. If you just take time to talk and listen to her, she feels closer to you, and more open to other things…like sex.
Many women love lots of it. They yearn to be treated as the unique, special creatures that they are. Attention and affection go a long, long, long way, guys. An so does your appreciation of her, as an individual and as a woman.
TIP: Call her throughout the day to say you love her. Organize a weekend away, just for the two of you. Surprise her with a single rose and tell her what you love about her. Try something new every week. Women never tire of you finding them attractive.
A woman’s sexual arousal works very differently from a man’s. Remember what’s at stake for each of you when you engage in sexual activity. The man is almost ready when he hints that sexual activity is about to happen.
The woman needs to be sure it’s worth it to engage in this sexual encounter. Not only she needs to feel that emotional closeness but, biologically, she needs to feel that man is the one she wants to be the father of her child. A caring, loving person who cares for her, builds up her desire, and pleasures her.
Foreplay is what builds desire in women. It’s what makes them willing and ready for sex. They want to be warmed up first and would love you to explore all of their body. Foreplay begins after your last lovemaking session. It’s not always sexual foreplay that turns her sexual attention towards you.
TIP: Take much more time with foreplay. Look her in the eyes and learn the art of erotic touching and teasing before going for the genitals. Going straight for the genitals is a big turn-off for many women.
If you don’t dedicate time to her sexual arousal, her sexual hormones won’t flow properly, and this is very likely the reason why she’s lost interest in sex with you.
Almost all women have not yet explored their full orgasmic potential.
This study, in which, compared with others, the orgasm gap was quite generous to women’s pleasure, shows that 91% of men report they have orgasms almost every time they have sex with a partner while women have orgasms only 65% of the time.
Orgasms, and various types of orgasms (even multiple orgasms), are areas that most women would like to explore. Orgasms are great for women’s health, as the amount of hormones released with each orgasm increases their feel-good hormone levels.
The more a woman orgasms, the more her body will be ready to conceive and the more her interest in sex with you will increase. A woman’s sexual health will be highly improved by orgasming frequently. Her interest in sex, her sex drive, and her desire for sex will also increase.
By exploring and experimenting, men can also extend their orgasmic potential, far more than you ever thought possible.
TIP: Make it your mission to explore your orgasmic potential together.
Struggling with giving her an orgasm? A resource I recommend to my male friends (and their partners), is the work of Jason Julius.
#5: Fun and variety
It’s true, girls DO want to have fun as much as guys. Most women would love more playfulness, variety, and adventure, just like men would. A man who is willing to create delightful sexual experiences will win a woman’s heart far more easily. Why not both provide some fun and variety?
TIP: Broaden your sexual/loving repertoire by being playful, warm, and caring, deep and meaningful, in short sessions, long sessions, new positions, and through give and take.
When we’re talking about sex, trying something new could be just what you need to revitalize a low sex drive. Look for new sexual techniques. Maybe you could share or act out some of your sexual fantasies, or role play. Talk about what awakens your desire for sex.
This is a great way to regain the loss of sexual desire. Sometimes we’re too busy or tired and it’s easy to postpone sex. Plan some of your sexual encounters. Know when is the next time you’re going to have sex. In the meantime, tell each other what you’re going to do to each other. When it’s not just the two of you, whisper to each other what your sexual intentions are. If you’re not together, text each other.
#8: Surprise factor
Once her sex hormone levels are up and flowing through her veins again why don’t you sexually surprise her? Do something unexpected. Maybe give her a sexual experience that’s just for her. Tease her without touching her genitals until she asks for it, or buy a vibrator or a sex toy that you can include in your sexual activity.
If you’re trying something for the first time make sure you learn what’s the best way to do it. If you want to spice up your sex life by surprising her, you need to get all the information possible to heighten her sexuality and her sexual pleasure.
Men and women are aroused differently. Men are much more visual; women’s sexual desire starts in their brains. Find out what women in general – and yours in particular – find arousing. Watch sex scenes where the man gets the woman. Even better, ask her which scenes increase her sexual interest, and what awakes her sexual desire, and then go for it.
Not interested in sex – what can I do?
If this is still the case, even though you’ve tried to spice things up, there could be many different causes that need a different approach.
It is expected a woman has a decreased interest in sex when she has young children. This is a very tiring period and new parents tend take each day as it comes.
Having small children in the house leaves very little time to have an active sexual life or sometimes even to have sex. And when they’re asleep parents tend to catch up on sleep, chores or even work or studies. The younger the children are the more normal is to have a low libido.
Of course, you might be experiencing some sexual problems like sexual dysfunction or a hypoactive sexual desire disorder that affects your sexual health.
If this is true in your case, then talk to your health care provider, who will help you find a sex therapist or the right professional to help you.
Even if there isn’t a sexual dysfunction, a sex therapist will be able to help you surface any unresolved conflict that is causing relationship problems that affect your sexual lives.
The woman’s life stage
It’s possible a woman experiences low sexual desire at different stages of her life where there are important hormone changes. For example, during pregnancy, the postpartum period, or in the years before or after menopause.
This is not always the case, however; many women feel more aroused or liberated during pregnancy or once they stop being fertile.
It’s important to be aware of these stages to find out what can be done to make the most of your sex life.
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